KariSue

Hi, my son is an addict and lives with my husband and I along with his wife and two children.

I sometimes read and post here and have just started going to NarAnon meetings. I've gone to two so far and they help. So I was there tonight and when I got home my son's wife said my son asked her for cigarette money. I don't think he's using at the moment so it's fine with both her and I if he smokes. BUT he just quit his job without having another one lined up. So his wife said she wouldn't give him cigarette money any more. I won't give him another cent ever.

Now for the problem that I need ideas for. He is extremely stubborn. I've never seen anything like it. When his wife said she wasn't giving him money he just kept asking and begging and I know from him being a child that HE JUST DOESN'T STOP. I used to tell him No when he was a kid and he just kept bugging me. I'd say "No means No" and he was like a broken record. I'd go into my room and lock the door and not speak to him and I swear he'd stay there right by the door and keep begging till I couldn't stand it. Finally I got into the car to leave the house as NO still meant NO and, I'm not kidding, he ran after the car! I'm just saying this to show HOW persistent he is. So his wife finally did give in but said to never ask her again as he quit his job and he was out of money and she wouldn't give him any more.

So my dilemma is that he is out of work so home during the day. I watch children in my home so cannot leave. If he asks me for money and does "his act", I can't leave. So any ideas what I can do?

The only thing I can think of is tell him No and that he'd better not say anything else. If he does, he will have to leave the house. If he refuses, I'll call the police. The only thing I'm compromised with having a child care in my home. I don't want a scene. This is my livelihood. Btw, the children are perfectly safe (in case any one was wondering). If I didn't think that he wouldn't be here. No way, no how.

Since his wife just went through this tonight I want to think ahead on what will be the best thing to do if it comes up. I think I should probably tell him BEFORE he asks that I won't be giving him any more money for anything and he shouldn't ask me for any. Somehow, I'm not sure that will stop him from asking.

I feel like this is a dumb question but you just can't believe how persistent he is! It's unreal and I'm afraid I'll weaken just to shut him up but I don't want to. I'll feel better if I have a plan in case it happens.

Any ideas? Thanks so much.

Thanks, KariSue

scorpiogirl

Quote:

Originally Posted by KariSue

Hi, my son is an addict and lives with my husband and I along with his wife and two children.

Of course I don't know the particulars yet my first thought was "hmmmm, grown son living at home with his own family....hmmmm".

As a mother that has had to do tough love on both my grown children, (not easy and just recently told my grown daughter that her and her kids could not live with me).....personally, I wouldn't have them living in my house. It shouldn't be your problem. Sounds like the two of you (his wife and you), are still treating him like a child so, why shouldn't he act like one (temper tantrums).

He is an adult that is doing irresponsible behavior (quitting a job for no reason) and you guys are co-ing the behavior. If the wife chooses to stay with him that's her choice. She's married to him. Yet, why are you allowing all this dysfunction in your house?

My child that I told couldn't live with me, funny how she ended up getting an apartment right away....without my help. As long as we keep helping our "grown" children out, they don't have to be responsible, they don't have to grow up and more importantly, we are stunting their growth into adulthood.

Glad you're going to Naranon. Hopefully it will give you the strength to not allow this behavior in your home.

KariSue

We basically just found out that he was an addict and they had already been living with us.

Yes, he may be leaving but all this with quitting his job was just in the last few days.

My husband, I and his wife sat down with him about two weeks ago (he was still working). We told him that we believe he is using and he denied it. We said that even though he says he isn't that we believe he is. We told him that if we find any evidence he will be out but his wife and children may stay.

His wife can't afford a place on her salary although she is saving up. We'd like to help her. He, however, is on thin ice with us. We are still reeling that he quit his job.

Soooo, yes, he shouldn't be here but it's not like we've known for a long time that he even was an addict. It's not like he's been living here and using and on and on and on. Just to clarify.

I can handle all that if and when it comes to that. I guess it was a dumb question. Oh well.......it wouldn't be the first time a dumb question was asked I guess.

KariSue

HopeandPrayer

I understand what you are asking, and there is NO such thing as a stupid question.

I guess, if it were me, and had the ability to go on a fun day trip with the kids, I would probably do that. That way you would remove them and yourself from the possibilty of all the drama your son might cause.

If that isn't possible, then I would probably call the police on your son and try to keep your kids in another room while they come and take care of him. If you call them and explain the situation to the police, maybe they will handle it gently so that the kids aren't traumatized too much. Then just tell the kids that your son is not feeling well and the police are there to help him, just like they would for them.

Just an observation, my prayers are with you and your family that this will all work out smoothly.

Remember, there is NO such thing as a stupid question, hopefully someone else will come along with some other ideas.
Barb:praying

scorpiogirl

Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. One never stops being a parent, huh? I know it is still a difficult time yet again, sounds like you are not to be bamboozled. God only knows the heartache I've gone through with my kids. I've had to learn alot about letting go. One question I used to ask myself is, "who's life am I going to live? There's or mine"?

Pray for strength and guidance.

ZombieWife

I don't know how anyone could tolerate that kind of "persistence." The more he's allowed to get away with it, the more he'll do it because it works. I guess I would set some ground rules: no begging. No means no. No X, Y, Z. If these conditions are not met, then you will be asked to leave.

Yes, I would call the police. Absolutely. Maybe if he is shown just once that you mean NO, it will sink in.

I'm also a fan of drug tests if he's claiming he's not using and you are convinced he is. It's your house. And you are the parent. I'd probably make it part of the conditions with him staying there. But, nobody can tell you how to parent.

I think your ideas on the police is a sound one, and one I would absolutely take if he started in with children in the house.

KariSue

Thanks everyone!

Also, to be clear, he would never get loud or scare the children or anything. He is a more laid back type of person. It's just that he won't shut up. I wouldn't want to call the police. Probably the threat would be enough anyway as long as I use my no nonsense attitude. I do know I'd have to follow through if I say that though.

Anyway, I thought of a solution but probably not the best one. He WILL listen to my husband for some reason. They have a lot of the same personality traits and seem to understand each other. I can tell him something till I'm blue in the face but all my husband has to do is say it once. So I'll get him to warn him so it won't happen in the first place. "Don't ask your mom for money." I suppose it's kind of wimpy but at this point whatever works is fine.

KariSue

Spiritual Seeker

I would not call the police...they are not temper tantrum enforcers and you are not in fear for your safety. Your son needs to know your boundaries and how you will enforce them.

When you are doing child care, that part of your house should be off-limits to him if you believe he will act inapprop. and distract you from your job. Let him know what you will tolerate and what you won't. If not give him notice to evict.

baxter

The trick is following through on everything you say. Too bad we didn't start out that way first. I, too, was as stubborn as he is. My mom never once laid a hand on me but I learned at a young age she meant what she said and she'd only repeat it once. She was famous for making us stay either in our room or house as a form of punishment. Nothing worse than being stuck in your room on a beautiful summer day while all the other kids are out playing. I so remember begging her not to make me stay in my room for something, can't remember what, one day and I started following her around the house, please....please. To no avail. I did hear her say "one more please and you'll spend tomorrow in your room too." Didn't listen and spent two days in my room. I think I tried it once more down the road but I learned quick that when she said "NO" she really meant it.

Too bad I never enforced that on my kids and they learned quick they could wear me down. I guess I'd stay with the plan of informing him you'd have to call the police. To me, doing this at his age, borders on harassment and no one needs that.

Good luck.

Chino

The first addiction therapist I spoke with gave me a piece of advice that was later reinforced by the folks at rehab: Don't blindside them. Give them boundaries and be prepared to enforce them.

I've told my RAD if you _____ I will ask you to leave immediately. If you refuse to leave I will call the police and they will remove you.

When push came to shove, I had the phone in my hand ready to dial 911 and she knew I was serious. She left.

scorpiogirl

I still say, this is a grown person you are talking about; not a teen-age son. This isn't about him scaring the children you take care of. I know this is direct yet, even your comment about he will listen to my husband, equates to me that you are still treating him in your mind like a child.

It's your house and your life. When are you going to claim it back?

KariSue

THAT'S the kind of thing I was thinking of doing. I like how you worded it too. Thanks!

KariSue

KariSue

That's what I'm trying to do and I'm asking advice on how to go about doing this part of it....stand my ground, etc.

It doesn't seem like it will be an issue that much longer anyway. I just talked to his wife and him today. They are planning to move out of state. They have a real plan. I will miss them terribly, especially my grandchildren, but I think it's the best thing that could happen.

His wife told me that if this doesn't do it then she will stay there (as she has relatives there) and leave him. I don't blame her. We agreed that he could not come back to me. I had a wonderful mom/son discussion with him a little while ago and he understands and even agrees.

I told him I think he is using but hope he isn't, that I am going to NarAnon meetings to help me and that I think their plan is a good one. I told him I wished them the best, would miss them terribly and would visit but if it didn't work out he couldn't come back and live with us. I told him that it's time he made it on his own and he agreed. So crossing my fingers and hope they really do go through with this plan.

KariSue

scorpiogirl

You did do it! You stood your ground. I know it's hard being a parent and doing this stuff. Just cause we're feeling awful about it doesn't mean we don't know how to do it. Just means we don't like doing it. I would be concerned about you if you didn't have any feelings about all this.

I'm happy there is a solution beneficial to everyone. Even his wife has a plan.:bounce

I would continue to go to Naranon for you anyway cause that program gives you help & strength to continue forward. So, uncross those fingers. You did your part now. It's important for you to go through with your plan.

all the best to you!

mooselips

KariSue,
It sounds like you have a good communication with him, but he also sounds alot like my older son, he just EXPECTS money, or gas money, and will nag you to death to get it. It took a long time for ME to be strong enough to say NO and mean it. And if I can do it, so can you.

I really truly hope they move, and give you back your life.
It will be interesting to see if they go through with their plan. My oldest has planned on Louisiana, California, and Colorado, and ended up never leaving the city he is still in. He didn't have the money, or the means to leave.

So....I'm crossing my fingers, and toes, and praying they go.

P.S. You can always go visit the grandkids. Book a nice hotel room, and go spend quality time with them, and go back to your beautiful, Spa, Hotel...

Hugs,

Jody Hepler

When I said no to my ASs, what they heard was - just keep bugging me and eventually I'll cry and then you can do what you want. And guess whose behavior taught them that. Moi!

It took lots of "nos" on my part for it to change. But amazing how when my behavior changed, theirs did too. Keep going to Naranon - it changed my life.

The three Bs:
Be kind (say it in a nice way)
Be brief (in 1 or 2 sentences)
Be gone (and then get out of there)

I used to say no - and then go to the bathroom!

I hope they do move on - probably better for them, and definitely for you. Addicts are just spoiled brats - that always want their own way.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler