JMFburns

My 27 yr old AS just called to ask for money to put oil in my car & replace a part that he claims in causing it to chug. I only have 95 bucks til payday (15th) and his sisters b'day is this weekend - I gotta get her a card or something.

He called yesterday and said he was electrocuted at work yesterday-they sent him to doctor (workers comp) and doctor checked him out, wrapped wrist and hand (just for support) and sent him home for a couple days. He sounds like crap today - tired, not focused, gravely voice, cotton mouth, etc. Claimed if I lent him money now he would have some back to me this evening . . . I've heard that before and very rarely is true. I told him 3 days ago I have interview at 3:30 for 2nd job cashiering at gas station (to try to dig myself out of the debt giving him money has caused.) Today I told him after interview I could meet up with him & buy the oil & car part. He argued with my about how I don't listen to what he says, I make no sense and I am just contributing to the death of my car, etc. He hung up saying "good luck with the interview, we have nothing left to talk about."

Basically, I am trying to say "no". I'm trying to do things on my terms, not his. I need proof that the money goes where he says - I'll buy it - or no can do. But . . .
now I'm shaking, can't concentrate, scared of 'what ifs', worried that he's gonna call again, worried that he's not, anxious, etc. That's why I've just given him the money in the past - it didn't feel as bad. But giving him the money is feeling bad now and hurting me . . . how do I do this. I keep thinking "what if he isn't using, like he claims" then I should help him. But I just don't have the money he seems to "need". H E L P, please.

Impurrfect

awww, sweetie, take a deep breath.

You DID offer to get what is needed for the car..it's perfectly reasonable for you to make sure it's going for what he says it is. However, he wants to do it "his" way, which (to me) sounds like he wants money for something else.

I don't know if he's using, but his actions would make me very hesitant to just give him money. If he was electrocuted, they could have given him pain meds, which would explain why he sounded like he did.

As hard as it is to accept, though, he hasn't earned your trust enough that you can take him for his word.

He's going to do what he's going to do. By not just handing him money, maybe he will have to think about what he's doing a little more?

You're doing a great job, and I know how hard this must be. Stick firm to your boundaries.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

rahsue

what if took a sh** and fell overboard. (my mother used to say this all the time when i would start with the what if's) not quite sure the exact meaning but apparently I will fall overboard if I keep the what if's up. lol

you desperatly need some support. saying no is not,:wtf2 I repeat not a bad thing.
He'll get over it. and as for what if he's not using and you should help, you're applying for a second job for crying out loud, give yourself a break. let him get a second job to pay you back ( I know,, I know that'll never happen)

you have been there for him all the way haven't you? so now take a look in the mirror and start doing for yourself. He's 27 let him act his age.


I say all of this with love, admiration and support. not to mention experience is backing me up.

:wtf2

Freedom1990

Is there a reason he's driving your car?

endzoner

what everyone said is right , you did the right thing , and dont feel you need to justify yourself to it , im sure his intent was to use the money for something other then car products , stand firm as you are ! :atv

outtolunch

This big ole baby is 27 years old and needs his mama's car and cannot afford to pay to maintain it?

This big ole baby expects his mama to " lend" him her last cent?

This big ole baby has honed his manipulation skills, well.

And why am I not surprised he was " electrocuted at work".

Nothing changes, if nothing changes.

Take back your car. If he will not give it back, report it stolen. Sell it if you don't need it. Use the money to pay off debt. Save for a cruise and start doing some nice things for yourself.

Jody Hepler

Tough love lessons were hard for me - but I was literally killing my ASs with what I thought was my "mother love". The first no was the hardest - I promise it does get easier after that.

I never made these kind of decisions without input from my Alanon sponsor. My best thinking about these types of things was ALWAYS wrong.

Just as I was expecting them to learn new behaviors - so I too had to learn them. And it is a good thing I did. One of my ASs was in a 20 year relapse. I would have killed him or me - or ended up in a nut ward. I was as addicted to him as he was to the drugs.

It's a family disease.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

hopingicanhelp

i dont think u should feel bad, b/c u offered the help he needed...he just wanted u to do it on his terms, and if its ur money its ur terms right? good luck!!! stay strong

itisatruth

I know its not always easy to do the right thing, even when you feel strongly that its right. Maybe think the whole thing through again...remind yourself of your reasons for saying no, think of what would most likely happen, remind yourself why you deserve to not have to pay for that, and think of what he COULD do with the money. Sending hugs and support your way.

JMFburns

Thanks everyone.

outtolunch - Kinda harsh, but all true and words I needed to hear in just that way. Keep it up, thanks!

I do get angry at him and angry at myself for being so stupid . . . but the thought of that scared, lonely child that I loved more than my own life, pops in my head and I hurt so bad I can't stand it.

Dang, how did I get here??? And, I sure would like to just run away and tell no one. Start MY life over fresh and clean away from the drama and family I feel "tied" to. Why, why, why can't I find some extra money to get myself outta this hole - cause I know any extra cash I have I end of giving to him. I wish there were some sort of rehab I could go to - be locked away for about a month to concentrate of my mind, my HP, my thoughts & feelings.

beegee

I feel so bad for you. I am sending ((((HUGS))))) your way. I know how hard it is to try and get out of the hole your in. I am in one too I think I won't live that long to ever see the light again.
I think how you answered your son was perfect and it showed that he didn't seem to be heading to fix your car or he wouldn't have got so angry with you. Don't you think that?
You do what I used to do with my ad. Now I don't have it so it isn't a problem and everything she makes goes to me and her bills which will take a long time to pay off also.

Stay strong in not giving him cash, keep it for yourself and remember not to enable him mom!!!! ((((hugs))))

BBD

Hi JFM, If your son is going to use the money for what he says~~I wouldn't think he would have a problem with you meeting him to fix the car. By the way you says he sounds~~I'd step away from this if he won't let you meet him. Oh hon~ I'm sorry your feeling so crappy but I'm sure you can read your son well~~so stick with those feelings and do what in your heart you feel is right. I get those weird feelings also. Called Chris last night and he hasn't called back....FEAR is horrible and we have to do the best we can to ignore it......Big hugs, Bonnie

baxter

I feel bad. I've fought this battle with my 36 year old AD for what seems like forever.
Twenty bucks here, twenty bucks there, a gallon of milk, laundry detergent on and on it goes all because she choose to spend her money for other things. It now totals thousands that I will never ever see and I think of things I could have now, money I worked for, gone. Gave her cars and walked myself because I couldn't stand to see her go without.

When I was growing up it was an unwritten rule you were on your own at 18. It was an embarrassment to still depend on your parents for anything. Not only with society but with your friends. What happened? Why do we insist on thinking they're still little kids. My mom can remember everything about me as a kid and how cute and cuddly I was but she sure doesn't have to give me money for it or owe me a living.

I sure know what you're going through but hang strong. It really does make you feel better in the long run. I'm sure he's hoping your interview goes well, more money. Why isn't he working two jobs to make ends meet?

Good luck.

hope213

it is hard to say no to your child. my son is my addict. i wish i had found recovery long time ago. i would be alot better financilly. bond, lawyers, rehab, money sent to prisons,his rent, groceries,& ect... 100,000 of dollars all in vain. stop what u are doing.it takes will power just as it takes will power for the addict to clean up his act. tell him to park that car & go get the key till it is fixed or it will cost u more money. hang in with us. we r here. prayers,

BBD

Now thats an idea JMF~~~~We need a rehab to go to... Away from anyone we're codependant with~~and a good years stay!! with a P.O. box and no cell phones. We could get to know each other and learn all the tricks of staying healthy daily. That might be just enuf to have our kids straighten up..(I wish)). Hope your OK, Smiles, Bonnie

mooselips

JMF,
Hugs to you sweetie.

Maybe you just need to get a little mad?


Or maybe you should tell him to give the car back, and take the bus since he can't afford the maintenance?

It was very difficult for me to say no to my oldest son, also. But after the first NO, it sure gets a lot easier.

I think your answer to him was right on the mark. Obviously he needed the money for other purposes other than fixing the car, I think.

Please accept my application for the year long rehab...no cell phones! What a concept.
(don't forget the daily hour long massage )

wenchris

It never ceases to amaze me how the names change but the story is always essentially the same. we mothers have such a hard time stopping when we are fully aware we are being abused. There is always the worry we are wrong about our instinct. There is always the hope that we don't really know what we already know.

My heart is with you, it is tattered from my own AS, but I am happy to share it with you.

beegee

Wow it is just heartbreaking to see how many of us have put our kids first much more then we should. I guess moms are moms no matter what.
I also want to sign up for rehab for a year! Wouldn't that be nice to meet everyone and not worry about anything but eating and sleeping....

rahsue

my son is doing well, over 8 months clean and sober,, works, plays hockey blah blah

anyway, we still bail him out sometimes when he runs short on cash(he does pay us back on payday) and the other day I said to mr. rahsue that this is nuts so when he asked we said no, well, he had such a funny face on and said, "it's about time you said no" HA WHY DIDN'T HE SAY THAT ALONG TIME AGO FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!!LOL

fndngserenity

Good for you. I am sure this is hard but I think you made the right decision. If he was not using or hadn't been recently, I presume he would not have reacted as extremely as he did - getting upset and saying there's nothing left to talk about.
I've noticed with my BF the difference in his behavior from when he is using and when he is not. It sounds to me like he was in need of a "fix" and to not be able to get that fix, they become desparate, agitated, angry, etc. I'm sure you have seen this before.
Stick to your guns. When he asks you for money, it's okay to say no. If it is hard for you, tell him you don't have any. I mean, really, you don't. What you do have is already reserved so it would not be lying. You need to pay for your own things and if you are at the point of needing to get a second job then you really "don't" have the extra money to give him. Do not let him manipulate you and make you feel bad.
It is easy for me to say what I think you should do because it is not me. I'm in the very first part of recovery - really grasping the concept that I am powerless over drugs. I have a feeling I will be in this step for quite some time. It sounds easy but it's not.
My therapist asked me today if my best friend was in my situation, what would I tell her to do. I thought about it and I knew what he was getting at. If I take my emotions of out the situation, I would have already made the right decision already. Problem is......we're human and sometimes our emotions do get in the way.
Maybe if you think about what you would tell someone else to do it might help you feel a little better about the decision you made. Someone on here once told me, "NO" is a complete sentence. ( I think that's what they said, hehe). And it's true.
Good luck with your son, I will be praying for you both.
Hugs and Prayers