PeaceTrain

Hi, My daughter will be returning from a three month rehab. She went reluctantly after an intervention. Some weeks she is committed to making a good life for herself and other weeks she is not so committed. She has lived with both me (her Mom) and her Dad (we are divorced). Neither of us are very eager to welcome her to our homes when she finishes rehab.
We have suggested the Sober-Living home option and she went ballistic.
She is 24, no job, in debt, no money and was using drugs for close to 9 years -- second rehab. She has one more month of rehab to go and we have to figure out where she will go. Any ideas? What have people done when faced with this crossroad?
Thanks,

Serenity Bound

a halfway house seems like a good idea. The rehab will probably suggest it to her. If both you & her dad say "no" she might just take the offer of the 1/2 way house. I know, I know, it's so hard to say no. Try to remember that "No" is a complete sentence.

one month away, is a long time, try not to project. Are you going to naranon/alanon meetings? It's a really good place to share experiences, hope & strength.

Hugs,
Chris

rozied

You know your daughter is 24. If you or your husband don't really want her living with you, don't give her a choice.

Madalaina

Hi! I lived in a sober living house for 11 months. It was something that I really wanted to do at the time, but I had no other option. That was 3 years ago. Today, I see it as the best decision that I could have made.

The sober living house help me with routine and structure. Two things that were so very foreign to me. Two things that I needed! Two things that I am very grateful for today!

Snickers008

Energy- my 23 year old son is finishing his rehab tomorrow and also wanted to come home. We wrestled and wrangled over this and consulted with a recovering counselor who is a family friend and he said my son has "no business" asking to come home and that it is time to "cut the cord". His lawyer said go to the sober living home also.

We decided it's best for all concerned to go to the sober living home- our family cannot take the stress and worry of having him around wondering if he is screwing up or not. I spoke with him last night and he's trying to find a place with an opening and says he agrees that he needs the structure and accountability.

Also- we have said we have an alcohol & drug free home so what does that say to the younger sisters? Do whatever you want (in our case my son crashed his sister's car while drunk while the rest of us were on vacation- his vehicle already had the blower device on it so was unavailable for further drunken driving), break the rules and everything just goes on as usual???

Caveat proving Murphy's Law: We just last week got the sister's vehicle back from being repaired and last night the sister runs into the back of another vehicle and now the car looks exactly the same as it did when my son crashed it! Embarrassingly it was towed to the same body shop! Sister though is not a drinker or drug user and says the brakes failed- we believe her she's a good driver. I have asked the body shop for the special discount for cars that are crashed exactly the same way within a two week period- I think this should be worth at least 10%.

NoelleR

Hey Energy255 ---

Listen to the other parents here....Since I'm not a parent I'll sorta bow outta that part of this post, except....

....you said, "...She has one more month of rehab to go and we have to figure out where she will go..."

When I was 24, still active in my addictions, usually broke, and always in debt, I always found places to live, food to eat.....and always, ALWAYS had $$ to feed my addiction.....and when I did decide to clean up/sober up I found places to go then too; after all, it was my addiction, and also it was my recovery.....my responsibility.

If your daughter is serious about recovery, she'll find a way. Just remember what the other folks here have said.....'No' is a complete sentence..... (o:


NoelleR

Freedom1990

My 30 year old AD is quite a clever girl, and never homeless for more than 24 hours. She's very resourceful.

My home is no longer open to her, I have changed the locks, and actually had a no contact order against her at one point.

She's a big girl and I've gotten out of the way and am allowing her to make her own choices.

outtolunch

Why do you have to figure this out?

Why do for her, what she can do for herself?

Jody Hepler

She'll figure it out - with the help of the counselors. I was told this type of stuff comes under the heading of "not my business". It has to do with her making choices and living with the results - good or bad.

Drug addicts are the most resourceful folks I've ever known. Have had two addict sons. And they got me to fetch and carry and do for them - and then got mad at me when it wasn't what they wanted. When I backed off, one got sober - and at least I got better.

No is a complete sentence.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

mooselips

Energy255,
I can understand your being concerned about what will happen to your daughter. Being a mom, I felt the same concern when my son was living on the streets, then eventually a rehab and halfway house.

Perhaps look up some info on what Halfway houses achieve in dealing with our addicted loved ones, then you'll be able to see that this would be an ideal place for her to work on structure, and it would provide needed support in her desire to remain sober.

I remember when my youngest was in a halfway house, it was meetings morning noon and night. And he was not permitted to find a job until 6 weeks into the halfway house stay.

Also, in my opinion it gave my son an eye opening experience. He would call me and say "Mom...I'm not like these people" and I'd say, "Yep son, you are"

One more tidbit, and I'll be quiet...
This is your daughters journey, it's time for you to step back, and let your daughters H.P. run the show. Hard to do, but with Alanon meetings, and good support for you, you can do it.


Hugs, and hugs, and hugs...

Spiritual Seeker

Welcome Energy255 from another Mom.
I will share my experience w/ you as I too have a 24 yr. old (son) He is currently in his 3rd rehab; this one is a yr. long program.
1st rehab we let him come home...big mistake...he relapsed
2nd rehab he went to sober living home...he relapsed
Point being...no guarantee either way.

That being said, my son will not be coming home at the end of this rehab program.
It is up to him to work out a plan for his future with his therapist and other
treatment center staff. They offer after care programs and hopefully he'll
choose to transition that way.

I can't be the one to enforce sobriety, responsibility, cleanliness, structure, job/school requirement, curfews (because I get up early for work), etc.

Don't let the old patterns of interaction sway you. She can go "ballistic." but
you do not have to be bullied or manipulated.
Let her get sober one day at a time. You don't have to tell her anything more than she
needs to know today. When the staff is ready to do a transition plan with her, let them
be the ones to co-create it.

You don't owe her a spot in the house. You deserve to live out of the chaos of her life.
By this age, parents can get in the way of them growing into adult roles if we don't do our part.

Because I have been involved with Al-anon for a few yrs. it is fantastic that my son and
I speak the same language today. I got healthier 1st when he wouldn't and now
he is trying and having much success.

I have great hope that my son will learn how to live life responsibly and w/o addiction.
Keep the faith in your daughter and cheer her on as she becomes sober independently.

Keep sharing with us and get to know the other moms here, as well as the rest of the amazing bunch of wise folks.

justjo

Hi Energy
Your story was mine except I have a son the same age. Good advice here from many!! My son started at 13 and it wasnt until he was 24 that he finally made the decision himself Dec07 to turn it around. We went through hell with my son moving in and out of both of our homes for years and using on and off. Using all of us whenever he could. You see energy your daughter has been just surviving all this time. She will find a place to stay if she has to and if you let her come home after she reluctantly went into rehab she may relapse again and again. She has to make this big decision herself and my biggest mistake with my son, was I never made him responsible for his actions. Mums tend to emotionally stay in it all (I am again right now) When your daughter realizes mum/dad arent going to save her, she has to grow up and make realistic decisions. I mean, she makes decisions everyday for her own selfish reasons, knowing mum and dad are the backup plan. We have to let our kids plan their own lives. We will always love our kids and want them to be safe (there is nothing wrong with that) but we have to let them do it on their own eventually.

PeaceTrain

I want to thank everyone for their heartfelt responses. Every bit of advice was excellent. I am sincerely grateful for everyone's contribution and all of the advice has placed the responsibility where it belongs -- on my daughter's shoulders.
Thanks so much for such wise counsel
Sincerely,
Diane

marshallzhukov

Ma'am,

To be honest I am surprised that the rehab she is at is even considering suggesting that she go home to your or your ex-husbands. The conventional thing to do is keep people in rehab as long as they or whoever is paying for them can afford it, and then refer them to a sober living house/halfway house. Most rehabs recommend up to a year living in a sober living house after rehab, even if the rehab is itself longer than just 28 days, and the only thing that would make them recommend against it is if the financial situation precluded it.
I should also point out that there is a slight difference between halfway houses and sober living houses. Halfway houses are fairly structured environments, usually with a staff member on site 24 hours a day, as well as group therapy sessions, etc. Sober houses on the other hand are simply dwellings maintained for people who are sober; other than doing a few chores around the house and maybe attending a weekly meeting, the resident is more or less on his own and expected to be working a job full time. Because halfway houses are more structured and treatment intensive, they generally cost more, whereas sober living houses can be a very good deal, usually the rent is only a few hundred dollars a month. I should point out that even in relative unstructured sober houses, there is still an obligation to attend several NA/AA meetings a week, be working a program, and often times there will be drug testing on a weekly or even bi-weekly basis. People who manage sober houses, and they themselves usually have a full time job and just manage the house in exchange for free room and board, are very experienced in dealing with recalcitrant addicts in early sobriety and will be far more likely to detect if they are using than, say, a family member such as yourself or your husband who does not have as much experience in the field.
Of course unless your daughter is in some kind of trouble with the law (probation, parole, etc.) she can always choose to live on her own, although the rehab she is at will probably not recommend it. You can give her a decent choice and relieve your own guilt somewhat by offering to pay part or all of her rent at a sober living house for the first few months until she can get on her feet and starting working down her debt; if she rejects such a generous offer, the alternative can always be that she find her own place and pay for it herself. Chances are that will sound pretty daunting and if she is even half serious about sobriety she will opt for the sober house instead.
I do agree with the other people on this board though who say that you absolutely can and should tell her that she is not welcome at home for at least another couple of months, or at the very least not welcome to live at home for then.
Hope some of that might help....

marle

My story is a little different as I did let my daughter come home. She is 22 and had been living on her own since she was 18. Never lived at home during her active addiction. Her DOC is heroin. She finally hit a bottom and called wanting to go to rehab. Since her insurance only covered 10 days, she went to the rehab's halfway house for two months. She then came home. She is on Suboxone for her opiate addiction and it has allowed her to work a program of recovery, get a job and start paying back the bills that she incurred when she was using. She also attends a weekly counseling session. Right now she is doing really well but it is never easy to live with a recovering addict so I have to stay connected here and to face to face meetings. I try to stay out of her recovery and right now I am doing pretty good. She knows that using means that she has to leave. So she works hard to stay clean. I know that relapse is always a possibility but I try to live one day at a time. Hugs and prayers that she finds a solution. Marle

scorpiogirl

BEAUTIFULLY put and so simply stated!

scorpiogirl

No need for me to copy the rest of your post. She is 24 about says it all. Her life, her mistakes. What I don't get in today's world is, why are parents always right there with the hand-outs or help? When do you allow your grown child to GROW UP?? As long as we keep picking up the pieces, that's the merry-go-round that will continue to go on.

It's not easy doing tough love (I've done it with two children), yet, it can be done and actually the best gift you can give them is allowing them the dignity of their own path, with or without mistakes, and the transition from childhood to adulthood. Whether that means they grow up to your standards or not, it is their life.

Best of luck to you on making this decision. It sounds like you already know the truth for yourself.

frankly

As a parent, and a grandparent, my job was to guide, support, protect and provide for my kids. It was an all consuming job for going on 24 years now. (3 kids). It was and still is, a way of life, everything I did, or didn't do, always was based on or considered of my kids. So to just "snap" change that over night because they are a certain age, well, that is hard for me and I don't even have the added problem of them being addicted to a drug.

I can only imagine how hard this is for you, especially when your child has a problem. Being a parent is a job that never ends, no matter how old they get. The hard part of that job though isn't the sleepless nights and diaper changes and feedings and school and scrapes or even broken bones, the hardest part of that job, is recognizing a point that stepping back and allowing them to fall and get hurt, allowing them to make their own way, allowing them to succeed all on their own, is really part of the job, the hardest part that you will ever face.

It is also the greatest gift that you can give them. If you do it for them, they find no pride in theirselves, no sense of accomplishment, and really no incentive to do their own job (manage their own life).

My kids aren't addicted to drugs and these things are still hard for me.

Don't look at your decision with guilt, see it for what it is, the greatest GIFT that you can ever give to your child, their promotion to adult, with all the responsibilities, achievements and disappointments they need to survive.

Sending hugs and prayers
B

maggie6

Boy this is my life all the way.
I am the mom of a 26 year old Heroin addict. He has been using for 6 years, in and out of 5 or rehabs. One halfway house. Always seemed to relapse. One thing I have learned is that when we let him return to our home my entire families life were turned upside down, that my dear was not fair to them. They need to work it out on there own in there own time. The bottom line remains, if they want to be clean they can do it any where. They dont need to be in your home.

caileesnana

you'd be amazed at the people who can help our kids once we step out of the way. It is hard, but there is help.