Taking care of me...

Old 09-08-2008, 12:10 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 72
Taking care of me...

Well, my hubby is in inpatient rehab right now, and I'm reading through Codependent No More. I actually thought that with him gone for a while, I would have time to get stuff done that I had been wanting to do around my house. But I'm finding that I still don't have the time. I thought that because I was always worried about where he was and what he was doing, and always waiting for him to come home, then when he was home, I tried to spend time with him every chance I got, that I would have all this time to do what I wanted now that he is not around. Now I'm finding that I still don't have time.

I read in CNM that you can be one of those people that are a "caretaker" and I do have 2 kids of my own (14, 12) and 2 stepdaughters (14, 11) to take care of so to speak. I'm floundering with whether I am caretaking them or just meeting my responsibilities with them as a parent should be. For instance, all weekend long, I was hoping to work in my shop (I have a picture framing shop on the side as a hobby). But, it was my stepdaughter's 14th birthday this weekend and my youngest daughter had a spend the night birthday party to go to. SO, Friday night I spent the entire evening going to get a birthday present for my daughter's friend, dropping her off at the party, then the mother asked me if I could help her drive the kids to the football game (since I have a van and she has a little economy car) so I did. Then I had my oldest daughter with me so I took her out to dinner since we hadn't eaten yet, then we went to the mall and got a gift for my oldest stepdaughter for her birthday. Then we went to Walmart and got a few groceries. By the time we got home it was 11pm and I was exhausted, so didn't work in my shop. On Saturday, I had to pick up my stepdaughters from their mom's then popped the cake in the oven for the birthday girl, went and picked up my daughter from the slumber party, we ate quick sandwiches for lunch, then we went to visit my hubby in the treatment center. Got home from there, wrapped the birthday presents, iced the cake, worked in the garden for a couple of hours, made dinner, had the birthday celebration (she blew out the candles, we ate the cake and ice cream, and she opened her presents), then it was about 8:30 and I was so exhausted I sat down and started watching "Misery" with the kids and then fell asleep in the chair. Sunday morning I had to take my stepdaughters home, went grocery shopping for the week's groceries, ate lunch. Fell asleep in the chair and took a two hour nap. Woke up at 3 and took my car to get the oil changed, got crickets for the lizards, and took my oldest daughter to the mall so she could get a shirt (with her money) for picture day. I actually bought myself a shirt too! Made a quick dinner when we got home, then it was about 7:30 or so. Went ahead and canned the tomatoes and made pickles out of the cucumbers (so they wouldn't go bad) and by the time I was done, it was 11pm.

So tell me I crazy or do I just need about 48 hours in a day?? Am I being a "caretaker" for my kids, or is this all just normal mom stuff that you do when you have four girls (ages 14, 14, 12, 11) and a household to run?? What can I do to feel like I'm not always running out of time...because that is how I always I don't have time. And I always thought that was my husband's fault. Now I know it's not...unless there is something I'm missing...
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Old 09-08-2008, 01:19 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Union Mo
Posts: 655
Big Hugs!

Well, you certainly have your hands full too! Im a mom of a 14, 11, and 4yo. And its seems to me that its not being codependant. Just being a busy mom. Maybe this weekend was just a bad time with all the plans and bday parties. I think your doing really good.:ghug2
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Old 09-08-2008, 01:43 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
4 preteens?!!!! You must be so busy. I have been reading this book on "helicopter parents." It's when you do everything you can to protect your child from failing and stop them from making mistakes. If they do make a mistake, you stop them from feeling the consequences of their mistakes.

I think caretaking is what parents are supposed to do, but we have to be sure we have boundaries in place so we don't stop our children from learning lifes important lessons on their own. That's when caretaking becomes a detriment to our children.

Some day they are going to leave us and become adults. And it sure would be nice if we still didn't have to be in the role of caretaker then!
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Old 09-08-2008, 02:10 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Being a mom is the busiest job in the world and with 4 kids you won't see time for yourself for a while. We're now empty nesters here and I can finally do what I want when I want to....Enjoy the running around cause someday you just may miss it~~~~
for a while (LOL)))))),,,,,Hope your hubby does well and you can get some happiness in your life all around!! You certainly could use some help~somedays (right??)) Hugs, Bonnie
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