funkzter

Hi friends,

As some might remember, today was the big day: my monthly visit to Rain! Well it was overdue since it's been postponed for a week; but we finally made it. Time pass so slowly
I knew i had to express my feelings today and i knew i probably be on the verge of tears because i've been boiling for a month about not receiving a letter from him, while i've been writing & sending pictures of Mia...
I know recovery is a selfish process and that i should let him do his things with his own time frame. Yet it's just so frustrating sometimes.
Anyway, the visit was okay, besides the occasional tears that wanted to spill -but i'm too proud to let them- What upset me the most about those visits is that they're supervised. They won't let us alone for 5mns! So, not only Rain doesn't express himself on paper ("what's the point, they read the letter so can't be personal"dixit him) but how can we be 100% sincere with each other if we have someone staring & listening?? grrrrrrrrr And what about the reassuring hugs?!!
Ok, i'm just whining but hey, i have needs and i have rights, non?
At least i managed to tell him what i felt (trying to ignore the third person) and he had a great time with his baby daughter.
I'll have to do a separate thread about this rehab: it's a Christian one, and -no offense to anyone here, i have nothing against religion- i'm really not confy with their "turn to Jesus" concept. Have a lot to say on this subject cos it really bugs me -especially when they try to tell me that if i don't embrace Jesus then it'll be difficult to sustain a relationship with Rain.......
anyway........
Thanks for listening
Carine

lightseeker

Carine -

It sounds like it was difficult to any sort of "real" visit with Rain. Having a life to maintain and a new baby (no matter how wonderful she is) is a daunting task. I know that it would help to have his hugs and reassurance. It's difficult to get to know the "sober" person. It becomes so habitual to deal with the drug use and the angst that it creates that when it's gone a whole new dynamic occurs. It takes a while to get accustomed to it.

I know that having something to look forward to really helps me a lot. Are you planning any trips in the next few months? Just wanted to let youknow that I am thinking about you.

greeteachday

Hugs Funky...I'm sorry it is so difficult and lonely. I raised my daughter alone for the first few years and I know, even without the problems that you are experiencing, that it was at times a challenge and very lonely. But at the same time, I was so in love with that sweet baby. Hope you can cling to gratitude for this precious miracle to help sustain you through these difficult times.

itisatruth

Carine, glad you finally got to visit, but sorry it isn't an ideal situation for you two to express yourselves. I remember visiting my H. in both a rehab and the county mental health hospital and feeling at the whim of the employees. Some of them treated me as poorly as they did him. And in the rehab, he was there voluntarily and we were paying quite a bit of money for their services. I do understand they have their job to do and it must be difficult at times. I do hope he has somewhere he can express his true thoughts and feelings; that is important to his recovery IMO.

Anyway, sending hugs and hopes that you can stay focused on the positives -- that beautiful baby of yours and yourself -- and that time will pass quickly, Rain gets what he needs so he can live a life without drugs, and you continue to do things to help yourself stay healthy. As lightseeker said, the more you can take trips, stay connected to friends and family, and do things for you and Mia, time just might not seem like such a huge barrier.

rozied

Dear Carine, I am thinking about you too. It sure must be hard for you to have a new baby & to have Rain away.
I do kind of know what you are going through as my 1st husband was a Compulsive Gambler, & after 10yrs of trying, a marriage, a child, a divorce, a remarriage, another child, then a final divorce I do know how hard it is. The thing that saved me was he got into trouble with the law, jumped bail, and ran away to Florida. I had every intention of joining him oneday & even went so far as to consider using an alias ( for me & 2 kids was that not crazy!). After he was gone I went back to school. After a couple of months I heard he took up with a topless dancer. When my sister asked if I wanted to go on a blind date I said yes. I finally had something to compare him too as the blind date fell in love with me and treated me like gold.
By the time I saw him again 9 months later, whatever tie that held me to him was broken. It was really over though he begged me to come back, I was finished.
For years after that I thanked my God that He took him out of my life because I am afraid that if he wouldn't have run away I might have stayed with him. It was the space & distance that broke it. In the months I didn't see him I focused on my own life ( and my kids ) I had time for the 1st time in my life to be alone with me.
You know I wish nothing but the best for you.
Love,
Diane

Trying_in_Texas

Hi Funkster...

Hope you are feeling better... my ex-ABF, who I guess is somewhat my current BF... he's in rehab right now, and I haven't gotten to see him yet. It has been almost a month, and I will probably get to in the next few weeks... and I am quite nervous about it. I know it is going to be strange, but I also know I need to be there for him, so.... not quite sure how all of it is going to work out, but I assume somewhat like you described.

At least I have a heads up.

funkzter

thanks all

((lightseeker)) thinking of you too and hope your path gets clearer in this dark jungle ;p
Well, i actually know the sober Rain as he's been clean several times since i met him, the longest probably being ~ 2 years, but indeed i noticed that there is always this awkward time in his recovery during the first few months where he is more distant and different in a way i can't explain. Though, fortunately, he still gave me some "i love you signs" eventhough he didn't express them directly. Like always putting my hair back in place (like a lit' girl who got messy hair), looking at me with tenderness and giving me a stolen kiss like we are 15. ahah
As for the trips, i do have some coming up but it's for work (yet they are quite exciting as it's in Vietnam in October and Japan/Korea/China in November)...But i'll probably plan some holidays for end of the year. I'll keep my mind busy for sure...

((Greeteachday)) Thanks for your sweet words and i know how much they mean to you. I am of course blessed to have my baby girl and trust me, i do embrace all the days i have with her. Thinking of you xx

((Itisatruth)) Thanks for your support as always. Rain did complain to the employee yesterday that he thought there is not enough "me alone time" in the rehab that will allow him to think things through. It's basically non-stop all day with everything turn to Jesus...

((Rozied)) I remember your life story and boy is it intense ;P Sometimes we have to go through the craziest things to finally give up...I'm glad you went on this blind date! As for me, well i tried that dating thing before -don't know if you remember but Rain & I separated for 6 months or so once, and i actually met another guy. But well...at the end of the day i still chose Rain. Who knows what the future held...xoxo

((TnT)) I'm glad to be heading, if it helps some hehe So how long is he in rehab for? Let me know how it went! Thanks for popping by, x

hello-kitty

Hey Funkster, does the turn to Jesus bother Rain too? Or just you? Because I think it would be better for him to turn to Jesus or ANYTHING other than heroin... In my recovery, I had to find a Higher Power. I had to accept that I wasn't in charge of the universe. That someone else was in control and the only thing I could control was myself. I'd never be clean today if it wasn't for that.

Trying_in_Texas

Funkzter... he's in rehab for "as long as..." but tentatively three months. It sounds a lot like Rain's situation but in the U.S.... it is an alternative to jail for being caught with meth, I believe, and pot I'm sure as well, and then violating his probation by drinking (was with him for the first one, not the second...) so he doesn't get a choice in the matter. If he can complete their "phases" in 90 days, it will be 90 days, but somehow I'm guessing it'll be longer... not because he can't complete them, because he can literally do anything he sets his mind to do... just that he usually set his mind to use, when we were together anyway! But since it's a beaurocratic, government-run facility, I feel like it'll be longer. Maybe not. I have no expectations on that.

I feel like a freakin' idiot some days for actually getting "out" and then getting "back".... after he refused to get any substantial treatment after the first incident, for which he only received probation, I left him. I dated another "good" guy seriously for almost a year... but the whole time, I was more or less still madly in love with my ex-BF... I can't explain it at all, have long since stopped trying. The other madness of it all is that my very supportive, conservative family doesn't expect me to. I figured that would be the absolute worst part - having to explain why in the world I would choose this hard road again - but they just somehow love me enough to support me through whatever and actually maybe believe I have a decent head on my shoulders and can figure my way through! I don't know!

So yes, he can't do anything but write - he should be able to call eventually and get some visits and maybe even furloughs (where they get to leave the facility for 2, 4 hours, etc.) but it is very "administrative" in nature. I don't even really want to see it because I know my sad little heart will make me feel sorry for him, but he did get himself there.

riaerif

I'm glad you were able to tell him how you felt. I can't imagine the pressures of raising a child through the trials of recovery.

I'm sorry the rehab bothers you. I think it would bother me, too. I prefer to deal with a "higher power" instead of naming a representative of one type of religion.

But I could deal with that particular one. I have "Christian tendencies" as I like to tell myself.

It sounds like you're doing an amazing job as a support and as a mom, though, and that's all that really matters.