mom of an addict
 

It has been about one month that my son has been in jail. he got arrested on a drug possesion charge and for the first time, I am not bailing him out. For the first few weeks I was relieved that he was safe and I knew where he was, because before his arrest he was living on the streets for months. He calls me every week and has some legal issues to work out before he can get into a long term facility as an alternative to incarceration. When I talked to him tonight I just got a horrible feeling that he was getting very impatient with the fact that he is still in jail and unable to manipulate his way out of trouble. Why am I feeling this way? Why dont I say to myself " he needs to be where he is and see what it is like to feel the consequences of his actions" Instead I am worried and sad and full of so many emotions I feel like I want to crawl up in a corner somewhere. What is wrong with me and why is this so painful .

you feel this way because you love him and don't want to see him like that. You need to stay strong though. He will never learn if you cave now. I know it's difficult but you're doing the right thing even if it doen't feel that way.

Hi maggie, You feel like that cause your his mom and you love him. I'm sure I'd be going through the same emotions if this was going on here. Be strong hon and know that he is learning everyday that it is he that will be paying for his mistakes. Stay strong. Hugs, Bonnie

maggs....:ghug2 its cuz your a mom , just becuz hes done what he's done dont mean one stops caring . as a parent we love our child no matter what , and dont like to see them in such a dismay . but sometimes its gotta be " tuff love " for them to get the help they need , he may not be happy at this point w/ you or anyone for that fact . but god willing he will thank you in the end and relize you did what you need to do . I know its not easy and at least like you said hes safe and off the streets and cant get into any trouble or use drugs inside. things will be ok .. you will see .. and i miss u!

It's tough when we love them so much. Maybe you're also getting impatient and wishing things would hurry up and get going, it just seems like it will never end. Stay strong knowing he's where he's safe, learning to handle things on his own.

<<<<<<<<<<<BIG MOM HUGS:ghug2>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

it's my RAS that is my addict and boy oh boy do I know your feelings.
he's safe, and learning. he'll be fine. you on the other hand need to get a grip, lol.
one day at a time.

good luck.

(((Maggie)))

Like everyone else said, you feel like this because you're a mom.

Just because you KNOW he has to face his consequences to learn from them, doesn't mean you're going to like it.

You're doing the right thing...giving him the gift of learning that all actions have consequences. You're going to have good days and bad...just stay strong and believe that everything is happening the way it's supposed to.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

It's hard to have a child in active addiction.

For me, it meant the death of many dreams I had for both of my ADs, and I had to allow them to make their own choices and suffer the consequences too.

Hang in there. Who knows?--He might find recovery in jail. In my opinion and experience, toughness works. It's when the parent stops enabling that the kid begins to straighten out. My husband's parent bailed him out of 76 arrests (yes that number is correct), until they finally said no more when he was almost 40 years old. He had to go to prison to find recovery, but that's what it took for him. I wonder what might have happened if they had stopped after the 2nd DUI, or even the fifth.

Maggie,

Another mom here. I understand. You're a mom and when your kid hurts, you hurt. We can't change that. It's a mother's love.

What we can change is ourselves and learn about addiction and how we can handle it better in our lives. I know I wanted quick fix, just like my AD wanted one, but recovery doesn't work that way.

If you haven't been to an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting, I'd recommend you find one and attend. Meetings helped me understand what I was dealing with and taught me so much about myself and how I handle (or don't handle) things. Meetings and the 12 step program has truly changed my life for the better. I'm no longer so scared and angry. I know I can't change my daughter so I have to "let go and let God".

It's hard, Maggie, oh, how well I know. But you can feel better in all of this.
Just keep seeking and reading here and hopefully you can add some face to face meetings to your life.

Prayers for both you and your son,

Hangin' In

I believe as Mom's we feel like this cuz from the time our children were born, we helped them. Then they become addicted & all of a sudden all the rules change. We are told ( and rightly so ) that when we help them we are hurting them. The exact opposite of what we had been doing since they were born. It is hard to switch gears in mid-stream but if we want them to get well that is exactely what we have to do.
Hang Tough, you really are helping him by saying no.

Sabercat, I hadn't spoken to my ex hubby for almost 30yrs. When he called me about 6months ago, he told me he had gone from gambling to drugs & that he had been arrested 76 times. Before you posted that I had thought there was noone else that could even tie that number. I was wrong. Geez talk about slow learners. My ex & yours must hold some sort of record.

Love,
Diane

Hi Maggie,
Another mom checking in. You are doing the right thing for both of you. He is where he needs to be right now. His HP will take care of him, and yours is there for you too.
Someone said take it one day at a time, but sometimes that is to much, so take it one minute at a time. The minutes add in and you will start taking one day at a time.
I agree Nar-anon or Al-Anon helps, I attend meetings and have grown so much in my recovery.
It hurts so much because it is our children and we always want to help them even when it hurts them.
Stay strong attend meetings and come back here as often as you have to.
Hugs

((maggie))

Wonderful words of love and encouragement from Moms and others have been expressed before me. Just reading them made me feel better, I hope they did for you as well!

I'm another Mom dealing with the same struggles and I send a prayer for serenity your way. As you said, your son is safe now. Hopefully he is where his HP wants him and he will learn what he needs to in his own time, in his own way. Keep taking care of yourself.

My $.002 here.

Going to that "tough" place and not bailing him out is not what we moms want to do but do it because we know we have to for the sake of our addict children. We only want to be in that tough place for the minimum amount of time and then go back to that nurturing, helping place which is where we really want to be.

You were able to leave that tough place and go to the nurturing, helping place (which is where you would rather be) when your son was asking for your help while in jail. When your gut said he was getting arrogant again, you were put in the position of possibly having to go back to that tough place and part of you is fighting that tooth and nail.

Your story reminds me that i have to be flexible with my addict son (whether in recovery or not) and that I have to trust my gut instinct (immediately!) on whether this or that situation calls for "toughness" or "helping" or whatever...

like i said, just my $.002.

((((Maggie))))
another mom of an AD here...
want to echo what Hangin in said ....
Al-anon and this board were key for me ...Alcoholism is a family disease. I mourned my child and then I got busy learning everything I could about the disease and my role in it and then how to get out of the way ...
Having a child who is an addict is not for the faint of heart ..
Maggie, you are doing the right thing...This is tough stuff because it goes against every mom instinct..
know that it will get better...:hug:and prayers, Grateful

I hope he finds what he needs to in jail. But if he is going into a rehab just to get out of doing a jail term, he is doing it for the wrong reason. I have seen and know of people that do that and just start using as soon as they are cleared.

You are hurting because you know you have to let go of him. He did what he did and needs to know this is what happens to you when you do drugs. Hang in there.

I have never felt so loved and have recieved so much compassion in all my life. I listen to each and every one of you and I know in my heart everything that you tell me is true.
I know Im doing whats right, sometimes I just need to hear it from people who have experienced this before.
Thanks so much for all your kind words.
Elaine

Elaine, that was one of the biggest blessings in my life as I watched each daughter start into that dark journey of addiction. To have others who had been where I was, who reached out to me and let me know they understood.

Sometimes I think the tough love approach is harder on the parent than on the child!

The only way that I could have made it this far and stuck with the tough love was to have the loving support of others like me.

Keep coming back! :ghug3

Me, too.
 

My son is also an opiate addict. He was 23 yesterday. I, like all other Moms, find it so difficult to escape from the worry and pain and the fear. My son is still his addict self, I am in counseling and it is helping. I have to find a way to escape the anxiety. I have to find a way to feel confident I have done all I can, and I think I am finally there. I pray I stay there.

It has been over three months since my son's children were taken from him and his girlfriend and they have made no real progress to have them returned. They have both relapsed after two months of hard work. I realize that if losing your children isn't incentive enough there is certainly nothing I can do.

My son starts Suboxone on Monday and REAL counseling. I say real because a lot of the counseling is pretty anemic. It is all a waste of time if he doesn't want it. The addict will get out of it what they put into it.

In the meantime, my grandkids, now 4 months old and 3 yrs are WONDERFUL. They may exhaust us but they also make us incredibly happy.

I understand your pain.

Sending some more mom hugs. I really found coming here and working my Naranon program helped by soooo much. It is so easy to start the fretting and worry but at least my program helps me to get centered again quickly and also to be surrounded by caring wonderful folks who understand! Hugs