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when he comes home...

Old 09-02-2008, 10:20 PM
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when he comes home...

i recently came back after months away because i foolishly thought that 6 mos. clean meant over forever...boy, was i wrong. he got high once, things were ok for the next few days and now he is out getting high again.

while i was getting ready for class this morning he got a text message (this was around 7am-about 7 hrs before he gets up for work) asking if he wanted to get high tonight. he was still asleep and I wanted to call the guy back and scream at him but i went to school and let it be knowing that i cant control what he does (but erasing the message anyway) . for happy hour, i went out with my girlfriends to take my mind off of it but he just kept texting me like he was rubbing it in my face. even though i was saying nothing to him, it was like he wanted me to know what he was doing and make me feel like it was my fault. Now he knows that I know and I am home and he is not.

my question is what should i do when he gets home? should I pretend like i dont know what he was doing? should I be nice and pretend like everything is fine? should i pretend to be asleep? should i act cold and uncaring? what sends the best message? I am so hurt and angry I wish i could just hit him with a baseball bat when he walks in
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Old 09-02-2008, 10:35 PM
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Hi Maddie...

Wow, not sure if I have any advice on this. I know it must be hard.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to "send the best message"... that really hit home with me. These days, I consider that kind of thinking just another long way around to the point of trying to control someone. Hitting him with a baseball bat may not be the right answer... or legal... but other than that, lately I am of the opinion that true "reactions" are ones that come naturally, and that premediated attempts to "send the best message" are really nothing more than attempts to manipulate another person.

I remember I used to hate it when people would respond to my cries for help with "Have you been to Alanon or Naranon?" but... um... have you? I promise, promise, promise it helps.

Maybe it won't help tonight (which is what I wanted to scream to the computer screen, like, "Oh yeah, like that's going to help me now, ladies!") but the truth is, tonight is probably not the end all be all of your relationship. It feels like it, but it's just one more day in a string of a lot of days where maybe you haven't been too satisfied. I always thought there was that one thing, that one day... that one word that would matter. And there just isn't. It is really just all about the drama when you try to make one moment into "the moment"... we don't live in a Lifetime movie, although I often wished I did (except, of course, for the true crime dramas, when someone doesn't end up so well!).

I don't know. Tonight is probably not going to go too well no matter what you do. In a time of crisis, I find the best method is no reaction until I have time to ponder my thoughts myself, but that might not work for you. If you haven't been to an Alanon meeting, at least try it, IMO. It can't hurt, and it gives you some personal tools to deal with just this type of situation.
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Old 09-03-2008, 07:10 AM
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welcome to S.R.. sorry i did not answer sooner. he may be home by now, maybe not. i can not answer that question for you, i would think you would have to play it by ear. i can suggest that you focus on yourself. the 3c's are you did not CAUSE it, you can not CONTROL it & you can not CURE it. addicts are about blame, he will blame you & anybody else but the truth of the matter is he is doing what addicts do until he gets ready to get clean. do not take the blame. there is alot of info here. read all the stickys at the top of the forum. "what addicts do". it is only going to get worse. learn how to take care of you & leave the addict to himself, you are powerless. prayers for you both,
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Old 09-03-2008, 07:54 AM
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Baseball bat - cute. I'd probably be wanting to use it on myself. Funny how we try to plan a "reaction" and they change by the hour. I used to say "if he walks through the door this minute boy will I let him have it." an hour later it'd be "if he walks through the door this minute, I'm not speaking to him again forever," an hour later it'd be "ya, I'll pretend I'm sleeping." Four hours later it would be something different and when he finally did get home it would most likely be something I hadn't even thought of.

After so many years of it I got to the point of hoping he didn't come home at all and ruin my night. Didn't have it in me anymore for any reactions.

Good luck.
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