Now that he's clean - life isn't what I thought it would be

Old 09-04-2008, 04:23 PM
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Originally Posted by 4gottenagain View Post

Now that he's clean I thought he would come around and want to make amends with me, be with me, be close to me. But, he's farther away.
So, it sounds as though he is not living up to your expections and you are faced with an either/or situation.

Either figure out what's in it for you to continue to hold onto these expectations of him and the relationship or,

Let go of your expectations and allow yourself to grieve for a reasonable period of time for what might have been and come up with a new life plan.
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Old 09-04-2008, 04:58 PM
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Originally Posted by 4gottenagain View Post
You've got 2 months clean? How do you know so much about "recovery"?
Recovery is selfish -- that doesn't give him a pass to treat me like I don't exist.
Recovery is about getting rid of those 'quick fix' solution, that never worked.

It is actually a good sign that he is more focused on his recovery than he is on you. It shows he is thinking of his and you future together. If he doesn't learn how to stay clean there is no future, for him nor for your relationship.

Trying to get him to pay attention to you or make you feel good right now is like going to buy meat at a fruit shop - it's just not there. You will drive yourself crazy trying to force it to happen and/or being resentful at him for 'not treating you right'.

You do need some support and comfort right now, but he can't give it to you. Continually expecting him to then being let down is a form of insanity. Insanity is described as doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

You don't have to be all happy/joyful/supportive of what he is doing, but what you can do is find ways to implement the good stuff into your own life and be happy/joyful and supportive of your self.

You've been given some good suggestions.
Take it easy.
:ghug2
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Old 09-04-2008, 05:11 PM
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(((4gotten)))

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

Unfortunately, this is what comes with life with an addict.

I've heard so many people say "I would do anything if he/she would just get clean", having no idea of what "anything" involves.

No, it's not fair that you're left with a mess he created, raising your child by yourself.

I am not only a recovering addict, but someone who has been in relationships with 3 different A's.

Recovery has to be selfish...if I don't have my recovery, then nothing else matters. The same thing goes for the families/friends of addicts. We have to figure out what led us to accept unacceptable behavior and decide what WE want from life and how to get it.

I do hope you can get some f2f support, whether it be al-anon or counseling. It will help you focus on you and what you want. He didn't become an addict overnight, and he will be in recovery (hopefully) the rest of his life. Is this acceptable to you?

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 09-04-2008, 10:02 PM
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Originally Posted by lizw View Post
Trying to get him to pay attention to you or make you feel good right now is like going to buy meat at a fruit shop - it's just not there. You will drive yourself crazy trying to force it to happen and/or being resentful at him for 'not treating you right'.

:ghug2
SO TRUE - totally pointless.

I just recently started talking to my ex-ABF about a month or so before he went into in-patient treatment. He has been there for almost a month now. He only gets to write at this point, and actually it's been very, very good for me. I don't get to sit around and wonder if he's texted, called, etc... I get letters, but the mail only comes and goes on certain days, you know... so I inadvertently dropped any expectations I might have of how much he should do... and now I'm not even that worried about what he should say, what's going on, and so forth.

I realized that when we first started seeing each other again, I feld a little "slide"... back into, "Oh, has he called?" "What is he doing?" "Where is he?" You get the picture. But I had been apart from him for over a year and dated another guy fairly seriously, and realized during that time that I hated that needy quality in myself. I put a stop to that with some good old-fashioned conscious thinking, and then it was like, "Oh, nice - he called!" instead of any other response, which put us both much more at ease. Now I write him when I want to tell him something, and I'm happy when he writes me (which is almost every day). But my day's not ruined when I don't get a letter in the mailbox. I can't let something like that bring me down anymore!

I hate to be repetitive, but I learned a lot of this type of stuff at Alanon...

I feel for you, but I promise, you can't, can't, CAN'T be satisfied with your life if your happiness or unhappiness for the minute, hour, or day is determined by another person's actions, because you can't have any control over that. It's a losing game.
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Old 09-05-2008, 01:13 AM
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been there, didn't do that

being on both ends of the spectrum, long using career, death and destruction, 9 years being clean/sober, relapsing, 6 months now, does not make me an expert by any means, but i spent a year in rebab and i would never dream of treating the people who stood by me through it all the way you are being treated. we were told the same things, selfish program, sobriety/clean comes first, etc. BUT, BUT, BUT through working the STEPS THOUROUGHLY AND HONESTLY and THROUGH PRAYER AND MEDITATION and YOUR HIGHER POWER is where you learn you can't be happy, joyous and free and treat the people who love you like dirt, like you treated them while using. the steps and GOD taught me that my sobriety DID NOT GIVE ME LICENSE TO IGNORE, SHUT OUT, AND TREAT BADLY, ANYONE. especially my husband. the steps taught me not only how to stay clean, but how to be responsible, kind and loving, humility, repect not only for myself but more importantly for others, especially for the others i hurt and damaged, why in the world would i want to be sober/clean if i was going to treat people the same as i did while using or worse? why even bother? we don't have the right to even look at our loved ones sideways. we can stay clean and sober working an honest spiritual program, and it doesn't have to be at the expense of our loved ones. we should be trying to make things right not worse, we should be thanking these people and have a hell of a lot of gratitude that they are still there.
it sounds like i was in a whole different program than everyone else.
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Old 09-05-2008, 01:26 AM
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As a former Meth user I can tell ya that it takes a person very far away from the real world.You seem to still remember how it was before you kicked him out.

He is returning from another galaxy it is a long trip....

You are doing all the work at home not having sex....

I need to breathe, eat, sleep, exercise, work, and take care of me. Sex is not a need in my opinion cause it does not kill me to do without it. I may want to have sex but I have realized the vast difference between needing and wanting.

I can get more out of jumping rope than obsessing about sex if I don't obsess about jumping rope.

To your H meth probably felt like a need but do you think he needed it? Well he needed it to get to that crazy place that allowed him to steal and lie.

I used to want meth so I could stay up for days and have lots of sex. I thought I needed it until I realized the difference between needing and wanting and the feeling of obsession that disguises itself as a need.

Another thing I can just about guarantee you that if your H sees you enjoying your life he will want to be a part of that...
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Old 09-05-2008, 01:54 AM
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Jello - I agree that my recovery did not give me license to mistreat anyone. I also know, though, that there were times when staying clean and not making any more mistakes was the best I could do.

Whether or not his behavior is "right" isn't the problem (to me). As a codependent AND recovering addict, when I focus on what someone else is doing "to me", I'm losing focus on me. More often, than not, I have a part in it because I'm expecting something from someone they aren't giving, or I'm ignoring the fact that I am accepting unacceptable behavior.

That's why al-anon or other support is vital. We learn how to stand up for ourselves, draw boundaries, and live the best life possible, no matter WHAT the addict is doing.

Is his behavior appropriate? I don't think so, but then I'm not there so I can't really judge. Does she have a right to be angry/hurt? Yes, she's been through a lot with him.

My point is simply that being angry/hurt got me nowhere unless it spurred me on to taking care of myself.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 09-05-2008, 07:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Impurrfect View Post
I also know, though, that there were times when staying clean and not making any more mistakes was the best I could do.


Thank You for those words. I have been trying to figure out why I am not the "perfect Mom and Housewife" now that I am clean. I am better than I used to be, but I often wonder why everything is not all happy, happy, joy, joy like I imagined it would be...
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Old 09-05-2008, 09:00 AM
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I definately feel for you and all your dealing with. Was losing my wife to opiates then she went to rehab, I was so proud and happy. It's been almost a year now and at best I get a text maybe once a week. Lost her to rehab and finally going to filing for divorce soon. Hope it all goes better for you.
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Old 09-05-2008, 09:13 AM
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It's not easy loving an addict. Clean or not. The best thing you can do for YOU and your baby is to get to some meetings.(naranon/alanon) They can be a life saver! (literally) You will hear your story and will connect with those that can understand like no other. (while friends and family think they can---only someone who has walked in your shoes can trully understand what you have gone thru & what you're going thru now)

SR is a good place to be with lots of understanding, hope & strength!

Hugs,
Chris
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Old 09-05-2008, 09:42 AM
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JMO It seems like you are expecting miracles-he has only been in rehab for 2 months-he is still struggling to stay clean-he has to work on his recovery and you have to work on your own. Certainly he knows the hell he put you through but he is not able to talk about it yet-he will when he is ready. My AH did everything but steal. One house sold, cabin cruiser sold, CDs cashed in, etc. There is almost nothing left. He is in prison because of meth and in a 6 month program for substance abuse (the first time in 34 yrs.). He seems to be doing extremely well and beginning to talk about all the damaged years because of his addications. I backed away with "advice" this is his recovery and I have mine. Seems now we are talking about each and the two programs mesh.

Try to focus on yourself and child and allow him to focus on his recovery. It does get better. Baby steps, hour by hour, day by day and hopefully year after year.
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Old 09-05-2008, 09:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Momsrainbow View Post
I backed away with "advice" this is his recovery and I have mine. Seems now we are talking about each and the two programs mesh.
My RAD and I are at the same place and it makes life so much more enjoyable. Doesn't make it perfect, just a lot easier to handle. Every once in a while we have to tell each other "get off my side of the street" and then we laugh. Oh God, that feels so good.
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Old 09-05-2008, 10:06 AM
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I hate to say this but he has to do his own thing. What happens if this uncaring person is really what he is. YOu have to help yourself and get on with your life. YOur have an addication and that is trying to control your partner. You are lucky that he can call and have a cell phone. Must rehab places will not allow that. Let him do his recovery if you keep pushing him you could push him away. As for the sex are you really that selfish. At least he is coming home on the weekends and not out drugging.

I am both a Recovering Addict and have a husband that is a trying to recover but he does not want it yet. So I had to let go and move on.

If you do not like what he is doing on the weekend then do not have him come home. He can not control what you do or do not do. He does not control your feelings, you let him control you.

YOu need to get help for yourself and your daughter. Have you thought what happens if after that year you do not like this man. Are you going to stay with him.
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Old 09-06-2008, 08:24 AM
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Hi, i haven't read all the answers above but just wanted to say that i understand what you're going through, my boyfriend being in rehab for one year and me being left alone at home, working full time, and taking care of our 4 months old baby girl.
I feel very frustrated too because i have absolutely no news from him since one month. (he's there since 2 months and half) but the difference between your situation and mine is that he cannot call from this rehab. He can only write letters - still, i'm still waiting for one...And he cannot go out and has only one visit per month allowed.
We are going to visit tomorrow so i'll probably post to tell SR how it went...
Anyway, it's pretty tough but we'll manage.
Take care of you + baby
x
Carine
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Old 09-06-2008, 08:46 AM
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recovery takes time and tho (he) has always been doing the me me me things which isnt fare either way . but in recovery its the way it has to be , He has to take care of number one being ( he) as selfish as it sounds thats what gets us sober takin care of number 1, Once he takes care of his issues and works on why he was using then hes able to step forward and make the amends for his wrongs . all this takes time its not an over nite fix , how we wish it was its a life time process . Some relationships never return to the way they were all the romance and fireworks that brought you two together . Maybe you should distance your self from one another so you can both focus on whats needed in you lifes . absence does make the heart grow fonger and gives one another time to reflect on things . and like everyone said Alanon is a great program and you should give it a try , cant hurt can only help ! may peace and serenity be with you today .. Mrs O
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Old 09-06-2008, 09:02 AM
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4gotten...I know exactly how you feel....

This is a poem written by rivka down on the thread "inspiration, thoughts, poems."

I thought of you, I and others when I read that poem...so I'll list it here...thanks rivka!!

by rivka.....My Codie Life
Sometimes I wonder about it too hard
Thoughts as long as yards
with the angst in my heart

Telling me to wise up, see clearly
Anymore he rarely comes near me
But I care deeply and dearly
And truth is a fear, we

Avoid in denial, but go thru personal trial,
Making up reasons to hold on to the feelings a while

A thousand reasons why not to,
And not one to debate
Swear the desire is so strong
Its less distracting to hate

He's the wave at the shore
In and out with the tide
I'm the sand washing loose
He takes my will for a ride

I'm smarter and better and truer than that
I know better too
I've helped quite a few

So why am I swirling with my mind all a mess
I'd be better somehow
If my eyeballs were inward for now

I'm co-drawn for some reason
can't co-figure it out
Obsessing frustrating
Drowning in all my self doubt

Awareness is here
And I hope it will stay
Protect me from stupidity
Help me get thru the day

Just one night of sleep without
Wondering what if
he did one thing or another
Would it make a big diff?

But its not up to him
Its my own weird illusion
feeling fear and rejection
At the thought i would lose him

But the funny thing is
I never had him to lose
He doesnt have himself
There's nothing here to choose

If I had the last wish
I'd help both him and me
To start all over
Drama washed out to sea

Need to look beyond these walls
Find someone new to see
Who is waitin and ready
Just focused on me

Heard he lost his job in the wake of long rehab-ernation, and is upset
like a waking bear that is growing impatient

He must deal with the aftermath of life long bad decisions
Comforted and helped by sobers, sponsor and physicians

New existence at SoberLiving now with a watchful eye
But he doesn't want me to help
I still ask myself why

Cause I'm here but invisible to his new sober mind
His focus is narrow and forward, he no longer looks behind

Where I am sitting and waiting for him to turn around
And see me, as I say something full of love and profound

But he's deaf to my voice and blind to my heart
the lack of attention just tears me apart

Its caring and love, right?
Just in these desperate times
Co-needy
Co-wanty
Co-scary-- are these signs

I see how its co-different I'm no longer myself
I've taken my life and stuck it up in a box on a shelf
I labeled it "misc" nothing important in there
It was much more important to gear my mind to prepare

A plan to create my happily ever after
With a man whose only six weeks past his last toxic disaster

He has so little to offer, yet I want to have all I can
He has no home of his own, no job, no money, no long term plan

No security, and no fidelity
To offer that I can see
And no sobriety yet
let alone any love for me.

His father is deceased, he's estranged from his mother, has not resolved these things---not ready to love another

I know I know I know....my head has had enough...
My brain knows i need to move on....
but my heart just needs to catch up.

One foot in front of the other
One day at a time
Cant cure or control it
Read and acknowledge the signs

Let go of resentment and hurt
Know what detachment is about
Its time to take the box off the shelf
And let myself out.
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Old 09-06-2008, 11:43 PM
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I think what everyone is saying here re: he needs to focus on his recovery is very true, but that said, I definitely understand your feelings. I think treatment, even when you're happy that the person is doing it and you know it's the only way, can bring with it its own issues for the loved ones of the A.

My BF recently went into treatment and had his first one on one session with the therapist, I asked how it went and he said it went great, that he sat down and told "the whole story, from beginning to end, everything." The reasonable part of me is glad that he's being open, I'd be highly disturbed if he wasn't, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't sting. I certainly haven't been able to get "the whole story" out of him.

It's difficult. You're being put through (and have been put through) a lot, while getting very little in return. It's very hard, and for what it's worth, I can relate. *hugs*
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