I'm Such a Mess....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
I'm Such a Mess....
I feel like such a mess lately. I need help. I need to go and GET that help (therapist, someone to talk to.) I've just been putting it off lately.
I had a bad morning. I have been sick the last few days and with full time school and having to take care of a toddler, it's difficult. My RAH gets home late from work (restaurant business,) and sleeps until noon, then gets up and goes to take a nap without even asking if I needed help, assistance, aid, a BREAK.
I have a fever of 101 (just a cold, but it still sucks,) and I just had it. I went downstairs where he had just fallen asleep and picked a fight with him. I know he's not using, I know it in my heart, but whenever I see him nap--it's a huge trigger for me. I am taken back to the days of when he would sleep off a binge and be unconscious for days at a time.
The spat was quick and ugly. I was very passive aggressive. I walked halfway up the stairs and told him to go back to sleep and just do all the drugs he wanted. I didn't care anymore. It really blindsided him.
I got upstairs, cried a lot while our child was napping. I was so tired, but couldn't take a nap myself because how could I get pissed at him for sleeping when *I* took a nap? How stupid is that?
He woke up. I apologized. I owned up to my stupidness. He forgave me.
I just feel out of control sometimes. I have so much anger still. I need to be more understanding, more caring, more loving, more empathic toward him. I'm not. I'm just a mean, bitchy person who has no control over her temper anymore. It's almost like I don't feel he's done enough penance for all the pain he's caused me, that it hasn't "Evened out" yet. It never will, that's the thing, and it's petty for me to feel that way. I know this.
Most days are good. Some are bad. I know what I need to do and I'm going to do it. I guess I just needed to vent a little (about myself.) Thank you for reading.
:wtf2
I had a bad morning. I have been sick the last few days and with full time school and having to take care of a toddler, it's difficult. My RAH gets home late from work (restaurant business,) and sleeps until noon, then gets up and goes to take a nap without even asking if I needed help, assistance, aid, a BREAK.
I have a fever of 101 (just a cold, but it still sucks,) and I just had it. I went downstairs where he had just fallen asleep and picked a fight with him. I know he's not using, I know it in my heart, but whenever I see him nap--it's a huge trigger for me. I am taken back to the days of when he would sleep off a binge and be unconscious for days at a time.
The spat was quick and ugly. I was very passive aggressive. I walked halfway up the stairs and told him to go back to sleep and just do all the drugs he wanted. I didn't care anymore. It really blindsided him.
I got upstairs, cried a lot while our child was napping. I was so tired, but couldn't take a nap myself because how could I get pissed at him for sleeping when *I* took a nap? How stupid is that?
He woke up. I apologized. I owned up to my stupidness. He forgave me.
I just feel out of control sometimes. I have so much anger still. I need to be more understanding, more caring, more loving, more empathic toward him. I'm not. I'm just a mean, bitchy person who has no control over her temper anymore. It's almost like I don't feel he's done enough penance for all the pain he's caused me, that it hasn't "Evened out" yet. It never will, that's the thing, and it's petty for me to feel that way. I know this.
Most days are good. Some are bad. I know what I need to do and I'm going to do it. I guess I just needed to vent a little (about myself.) Thank you for reading.
:wtf2
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
I just feel out of control sometimes. I have so much anger still. I need to be more understanding, more caring, more loving, more empathic toward him. I'm not. I'm just a mean, bitchy person who has no control over her temper anymore. It's almost like I don't feel he's done enough penance for all the pain he's caused me, that it hasn't "Evened out" yet. It never will, that's the thing, and it's petty for me to feel that way. I know this.
Logic and emotion are so different. It's not "Petty" for you to have emotion, it's human.
Therapy is what really helped me with merging the two of those two together so they fit a little bit better into my world to make some sense. I used to hate myself for having
emotions that weren't logical. But it's okay.......
I owned up to my stupidness(humanness).
Your just human sweet thing.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Whoa! Somedays are easier to handle than others... ain't that the truth. First, try to get yourself well. It's ok for you to nap, you know that .... you need the rest now to get well, and to get the emotions back in check. Keep working with the therapist... I know this has been key for me. There are times when I think, "all better now, I am not going anymore"... this is usually when I need it the most and don't want to deal with it anymore. You have been through a ton and won't recover in a snap. It takes work and time as you well know. You have helped me many times, I hope this helps you. Be kind to you and keep moving forward. Get better soon!!! HUGS
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I hope you are feeling better...When I'm sick I just want to be left alone and not have to deal with anyone or anything. I know that is really impossible with a toddler!
I think it is great that you recognized your behavior and made amends. I think sometimes we have this vision of happily ever after once the drug use stops. The situation you described sounds so "normal"...it is just the insanity we have lived in that makes it feel so hard, I think. Glad you are going to try counseling. I also found Naranon a huge help. Just sharing with people who understand is very healing for me.
Hugs
I think it is great that you recognized your behavior and made amends. I think sometimes we have this vision of happily ever after once the drug use stops. The situation you described sounds so "normal"...it is just the insanity we have lived in that makes it feel so hard, I think. Glad you are going to try counseling. I also found Naranon a huge help. Just sharing with people who understand is very healing for me.
Hugs
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
It is hard to deal with all you have on your plate especially iif you aren't feeling well.
Lighten up & be gentle with yourself. You obviously have alot of pent up anger at your RAH from when he was using. That is going to take time to go away. Take good care of yourself & don't overdo it especially when you aren't feeling good.
Maybe if you act like he wasn't there. I don't mean to ignore him but don't have any expectations of him this way he can't let you down
Lighten up & be gentle with yourself. You obviously have alot of pent up anger at your RAH from when he was using. That is going to take time to go away. Take good care of yourself & don't overdo it especially when you aren't feeling good.
Maybe if you act like he wasn't there. I don't mean to ignore him but don't have any expectations of him this way he can't let you down
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Thanks so much for the nice wishes, guys.
Done-With-It, thanks for your words. It's nice to hear that sometimes, that I'm human, but why is it so hard for us to forgive ourselves?
imallright, I'm totally on board with the therapist. I'm going to make some calls tomorrow. I got up today, tried to call a few places and kept thinking, "geesh, is everyone out to lunch?" then realized it was a holiday. Bleh!
greeteachday wrote:
I need naranon, but in my area, there is one meeting (in a city of millions,) and it's at a time that does not work with my baby schedule in any way, shape or form. But, we're moving soon, and where we are moving to there will be a bigger choice. I've already looked into it. Yay!
rozied wrote:
I tell ya, it is hard to relax and get rest when you have a 14 month old that is wild as can be (but so cute and wonderful, God love her!) RAH has helped with her a lot the last few days. I just wish I could literally sleep for 24 hours and kick this thing in the bum. It's still going strong. Day 5, still a 101 fever. I feel a little better, but I'm so sick of the fever. It just drains me.
And, ya know, Rozied, I do as you suggested a good deal of the time. But, sometimes it just gets to me, ya know? Sometimes, I wish he could walk a day in my shoes and see what it was like. Don't we all wish that?
/hugs to all and thanks again, guys!
Done-With-It, thanks for your words. It's nice to hear that sometimes, that I'm human, but why is it so hard for us to forgive ourselves?
imallright, I'm totally on board with the therapist. I'm going to make some calls tomorrow. I got up today, tried to call a few places and kept thinking, "geesh, is everyone out to lunch?" then realized it was a holiday. Bleh!
greeteachday wrote:
I hope you are feeling better...When I'm sick I just want to be left alone and not have to deal with anyone or anything. I know that is really impossible with a toddler!
I think it is great that you recognized your behavior and made amends. I think sometimes we have this vision of happily ever after once the drug use stops. The situation you described sounds so "normal"...it is just the insanity we have lived in that makes it feel so hard, I think. Glad you are going to try counseling. I also found Naranon a huge help. Just sharing with people who understand is very healing for me.
I think it is great that you recognized your behavior and made amends. I think sometimes we have this vision of happily ever after once the drug use stops. The situation you described sounds so "normal"...it is just the insanity we have lived in that makes it feel so hard, I think. Glad you are going to try counseling. I also found Naranon a huge help. Just sharing with people who understand is very healing for me.
rozied wrote:
It is hard to deal with all you have on your plate especially iif you aren't feeling well.
Lighten up & be gentle with yourself. You obviously have alot of pent up anger at your RAH from when he was using. That is going to take time to go away. Take good care of yourself & don't overdo it especially when you aren't feeling good.
Maybe if you act like he wasn't there. I don't mean to ignore him but don't have any expectations of him this way he can't let you down
Lighten up & be gentle with yourself. You obviously have alot of pent up anger at your RAH from when he was using. That is going to take time to go away. Take good care of yourself & don't overdo it especially when you aren't feeling good.
Maybe if you act like he wasn't there. I don't mean to ignore him but don't have any expectations of him this way he can't let you down
And, ya know, Rozied, I do as you suggested a good deal of the time. But, sometimes it just gets to me, ya know? Sometimes, I wish he could walk a day in my shoes and see what it was like.
Don't we all wish that?/hugs to all and thanks again, guys!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
