To those of you who have REALLY detached...

Old 09-07-2008, 07:06 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I had no will power when I found this site.
I had to treat it like sobriety.
I checked in each day...day one, no contact
day two, no contact.

It really helped. And not having a front row seat helped clear my head.

And as you learn the tools of boundaries, they become a natural expression of your self respect.
Live is offline  
Old 09-08-2008, 06:35 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
 
NeedingHelp7's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
If one wants to completely detach, but has to have some contact because of children, text messageing is great. Simple one liners...

Examples....

Can you pick up child at 6pm, and return at 8pm?
Childs dentist appt is at 3pm can you bring him?
Gas bill due on Sept 10th.
Childs basketball game at 7pm
Parent teacher conference (date and time).


If he/she calls, let the answer machine take the call if possible.

Contacting this way stops alot of mental/emotional torment.

NH7

Last edited by NeedingHelp7; 09-08-2008 at 06:51 AM.
NeedingHelp7 is offline  
Old 09-08-2008, 08:07 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
 
riaerif's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Maumee, OH
Posts: 68
Wow... I'm not sure what happened with me. I still struggle and sometimes I lose my battles and more often than not, I don't.

I think something clicked with me. Mostly it was my understanding that I didn't need the addict. I know it's harsh, but I began to substitute addiction with death. I know it's morbid, but it worked. I mean, what would I do if the addict had died? Would I sit around worried about her spiritual day to day in the great beyond or would I move on with my life? And how would I do that?

Just as a note, I don't wish harm to her in any way. I just needed to think that way because my life had become so entangled in hers that physical removal was the only way I could imagine life detached. It worked as a starting point for me and also was doable because she is still very much alive so I could look at it objectively without being clouded by grief if it really were to happen.

I started living that way and I cut addiction out just as death would have. What things would I not have to worry about anymore as being a part of my life? Those things I decided I would not allow any longer. Yes, it was my doing and not the doing of death completely, but...

Hmmm.... I really hope I'm making sense to you. Basically I was able to evaluate what good things the person brought to my life and what bad things. Then I told her the good things were still okay, but the bad things were not.

Her counselor also helped me by telling me that I had a responsibility to her recovery to stand firm and that by waffling I was enabling and that would end badly for both of us.

So here I am, doing better than I thought I would and wondering why I didn't do this sooner. I wouldn't have wasted as many tears or as much energy.

I hope everything works out for you. I know it's hard to do the best thing for the one you love when our instincts scream at us to do something totally different.

Last edited by riaerif; 09-08-2008 at 08:10 AM. Reason: Forgot something. :)
riaerif is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:15 PM.