Repeating my own insanity

Old 08-31-2008, 09:52 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Peace Hope Love
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Midwest
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Repeating my own insanity

Geez, why do i continue to put up with this crap. He's supposed to be sober; but just because people go to one meeting a week doesn't mena they are working a program.

I am really trying to get stronger in faith. In March he bought a harley - becuase he thought he deserved it - i got a card for my birthday (which was alson on mothers day) daying sorry he didn't get me a gift - his priorities were a little screwed up. Then i get yelled at regularly for parking to close to the garage and he can't get his bike in and out of the garage.

I am so deep in anger and resentment I need some rock solid directions on how to get out of this funk. I keep saying I won't give him my serenity - but my actions don't back up my words. This recession has me scared - can I make it on my own? Will my adult son's ever speak to me again if i walk? i just want a simple, quiet little peaceful life.

why does that seem so difficult? my own anger and resentments of the past even get in my own way. Any words of wisdom would be gratefully appreciated. God Bless / M
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Old 08-31-2008, 10:11 AM
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His actions are telling you what he's doing, not his words. If his version of recovery is not your idea of recovery, then it's not. Is it something you can live with and have the kind of life you want for yourself? If not, what do you need to do to get the kind of life you want? Your ADULT sons may not talk to you? Why do you think that? And, if that's the case, are they controlling your life and your decisions? Are they going to live with the consequences (go or bad) of the way you choose to live your life? Are they living their own lives?

For me, identifying my anger and resentments was a first step. The next was, were those things something, once I understood them, I could live with and let go or were they deal breakers for me? For me, they were deal breakers, then the question was, how was I going to get the life I wanted for me in a sane and confident way? For me it was writing here, therapy, Alanon and NA meetings - along with friends and family. Being open and honest about what I had been living with and listening to suggestions, even if there were times when those suggestions didn't make sense or things I didn't want to hear (at the time).

I wanted so much for someone to tell me what to do, that I was justified, all sorts of things, but as time went on and I kept plugging away at working on my own life, I found it easier and more comfortable making decisions for myself and living with those decisions as mine.

You will get there, it just takes time. Time is the biggest thing to give yourself, time when you are actively working on you. Your answer will come when you are ready!
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Old 08-31-2008, 11:08 AM
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Lightbulb We create our own reality....

Originally Posted by BlvninGod View Post
...I am so deep in anger and resentment I need some rock solid directions on how to get out of this funk. I keep saying I won't give him my serenity - but my actions don't back up my words. This recession has me scared - can I make it on my own? Will my adult son's ever speak to me again if i walk? i just want a simple, quiet little peaceful life.
While reading your post, the words that came into my mind were ~~ "who's life are you going to live, yours or his?"

As far as your 'adult' children go, it doesn't matter what they think, it is your life. I've had my adult children not speak to me before (as has many other people) and guess what, you live through it. (Eventually, we spoke again.) Before you are a wife or a mom, you are you. Don't give your soul away bit by bit, piece by piece.

My suggestion is to pray for the strength & willingness to do what it is you know to do. If you are to leave (and I have been where you're at before), the right little place showed up for me to move to and I had the peace I wanted for so long. The problem at that time (years ago) was, I didn't know what to do with the peace once I had it. My life was simple & easy yet, my addiction to drama (that was unbeknownst to me) crep back in and I moved back in with him.....Only to do that 2 more times. Yes, moved everything in and out til *I* finally got it.

I remember making a list of all the things I wanted in my early years of recovery and the very first thing on my list was "peace". I almost recoiled back from the paper when I first wrote that cause I didn't know that I didn't even have peace let alone know what it looked or felt like. As the years went on, it was obvious I didn't have peace and it was up to me to take my life back and create the life I wanted.

The Universe provides. We are not meant to be miserable. We create our own realities; what will be yours?
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Old 09-01-2008, 01:54 PM
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I read this on another forum and thought to repost it here:

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the 'right' reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn't ask anyone for advice. She didn't read a book on how to let go. She didn't search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn't call the prayer line. She didn't utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
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Old 09-01-2008, 09:30 PM
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One thing that struck me as I read your post....she's coming from a place of fear. maybe recognizing those fears and dealing with them could be a first step. Just a thought.
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