Between Silence and Violence
 

I had a conversation today with a friend about communication with loved ones. We were discussing different styles of talking and resolving conflict. She said that she and her bf were trying to find the middle ground between Silence and Violence. She’s the type to not talk about things that bother her and the type to wait a really long time to bring up something that would most likely cause a conflict in the relationship. He goes both ways – either he gives her the totally silent treatment for a few days and she has no clue why he’s upset, or he blows up over some really small thing and she knows it’s something bigger, but still she has no clue.

Me? Before recovery I was the one who had both sides of the conversation IN MY HEAD. Because I was such a terrific mind reader, I figured I already knew what he was going to say. So, I would have this imaginary conversation in my head: I would say this and then I just knew he would say that ( the rotten s-o-b) and so then I would say this and he’d probably say that. So then the conversation/situation was over. I would make a decision, take an action ~ sometimes I’d even be MAD at the poor guy for his part… and of course he would be understandably confused as to why I was upset with him because I had not allowed him to participate in any of what was going on ! It's no wonder we didn't communicate. I did it all for both of us! sheeeesh....

Recovery has taught me so much about how to deal with people. I can state how I feel about something and then I can let it go. I can let go of the outcome (well, sometimes) and I can allow the other person the dignity of having his own opinions about things. Those things you read in the magazines? Some of them really do work. If I say “when you do x, I feel Y” then it means we can have a conversation instead of a fight.

How about you? What’s your style?

I used to worry about how people would respond to what I said and today I feel comfortable "discussing" anything....I will no longer tolerated heated discussions or talks that are disrespectful in any way.

Wow, what a gift of recovery all that has been.

I like what Hangin' In says...."Say what you mean and mean what you say...just don't say it mean". Gotta love that southern belle. :D

Hugs

Me too, Ann, me too. It took me awhile to learn that one too. I can remove myself from a conversation and agree to resume it when people have calmed down.

i have lived in so much drama during my adulthood that today i will not tolerate it. i remove myself,hang up the phone & ect. i work at being happy. i can remember at one point mr. hope telling me i was so used to drama i could not live without it.that is when i stopped & took inventory of myself & my life.

That is completely me. The reason I am like this is because AH is NOT a talker. HATES communication, HATE confrontation. In reality he doesn't stand a chance engaging in arguments with me because I can talk circles around him. I can also predict about everything that he will say. I hate being like this, hate feeling like this. But it's as if he won't say his stance so I say it for him. It's become a vicious cycle between us both. In reality AH doesn't like to talk about ANYTHING - I don't care if it's how was your day, did you take out the trash or are are you doing drugs. He HATES all forms of communication.

So Cats, Ann and hope - before I replied to this thread, I'd started another one about detachment, boundaries and wondering how you've achieved that. It ties in with this thread of sorts I guess. I really admire how FIRM your stance is. How you truely do let go. Not to hijack this thread, but would love your responses in the other one I'd started. It seems many on here (myself included) can give the correct advice to someone in need here when dealing with addiction. But it's very hard to incorporate that into action in my own life.

There are some things my H won't talk about and I don't care. I don't try to think for him or pretend to know or even want to know what is going on in his head. His actions speak for him.

I do not want to change him or try to make him do anything. I have on occasion asked him to help me do something and if he doesn't I find someone else. I think when I ask someone else to help me it is really much more likely to get done. Paying someone else to help me do something is in the long run much cheaper. I doubt he cares at all. ho hum...

I am not rid of him yet but, I am packing him up though. He gets pretty pissie when things don't go his way like a baby who needs his diaper changed. I ain't changing it that's for sure.

Over the last couple of months I've noticed I tend to get a bit abusive when voicing something I have a strong opinion about. When I say abusive, I mean bullying as in harp on and raise my voice etc...
Not with people close to me though.

With people close to me I have a tendency to say what I think, honestly, then worry about what they think HOWEVER this is improvement for me as I use to not say anything or then if I did and thought they didn't like me, I'd take it back!

I assume in time and the more I do it, the easier it will get and the less I will worry about what others think of me.