ColliseumJane

I'm always the guilty one. I let myself be. I don't know why. I've seemed to have lost all confidence. The addict in my life, always seems to be the 'good' guy in this. He's the one wanting and trying to change. He's the one with the problem. He's the one who is so wrapped up in himself, that he can't even acknowledge that I am trying to reach out to him; that , despite everything, I want to be there and help heal us, and keep our family together. Seems it's always ...always about HIM. One way or another....about the progress he makes..or doesn't make, about how he feels and what he wants. I am lost and so confused, because we (our daughter and I), are going through this too, differently, but maybe even more so than him in some ways. We have more invested in it ...emotionally. He only thinks if him. and...that's good...it's good that he wants to change and improve his own situation. Now...if he, or anyone else who is trying to help him won't think about us...then...I will. I have to...for her. for myself. I don't know where to start.. I feel so worn down, and hopeless. Worthless even. I know I'm not really, and I guess that's what hurts the most...knowing that he doesn't really care about me anymore...not really. I find myself taking on all the blame. We don't talk at all anymore. We sleep in seperate rooms. I get angry, no matter how hard I try not to. Because I am human, and I am hurting. All I ever hear, is how all I do is Bitc* at him, and all I see is how miserable he is. Yet, he doesn't even care enough to tell me when he gets the courage to go to his first NA meeting. I feel I don't know him at all anymore. and I can't live like this, but then he says he still wants me around, and still cares. But he won't talk to me about it, he doesn't see how I am going through it too....Every time I cry, every time I get upset , every time I lose my way, I'm guilty of something somehow. I don't have anyone encouraging me, taking my hand, and reassuring me I can get through this. ...I feel like I have to be strong on my own, but I don't know how to be anymore. I have invested so much in him and his problem, that I have neglected to take care of myself, I have forgotten how to. ... We, the forgotten family of the addict, are displaced. We can't seem to reach him, but we don't want to just walk away from our family, after everything. Where do we turn, what shoulder do we have to cry on, and who cares for us. I don't really want to leave , but I don't know how to stay. I know that leaving may be the best hing for all of us right now. I don't know where to start. Feeling so broken.

Chrysalis123

I'm sorry you are hurting. There is a place I have found that supports me and it is Alanon....it has saved me. Maybe it could do the same for you too.

ColliseumJane

I have heard mention Of this place many times, but haven't looked into it myself yet. I think I just might. The reason I haven't, is I thought that going there would just be another constant reminder of him and HIS problem. I am still trying to figure out if I really want to stay and keep trying to make this relationship work. ...Right now it just feels like he doesn't really want it as much. Either way, I know I need to get strong, and take care of myself, and our daughter. I know I can't fix him, and I can't fix us as a Family, if he isn't willing to put in the effort as well, but I can take steps to fix Me. Alanon, seems like it may Be a good place to start. Thanks.

BBD

Alanon and counciling is what I turned to. It really opened my eyes and taught me how to take care of myself. Sounds like you need a little of that. Noone can do this alone without falling apart. Big hugs hon and hope you can find a meeting in your area. Someone will be along to tell you the same thing~~I bet!! Hugs and smiles, Bonnie

Ann

You don`t have to be strong on your own, we`re all walking with you here. Welcome to SoberRecovery, a place where you are safe with friends who understand your pain.

It`s sad that when they use it`s all about them and when they stop and get into recovery, it`s all about them again...but it doesn`t need to be. Sure meetings are important, and taking time to work with a sponsor....but recovery is about healing too and balancing our lives. Maybe you could suggest that a couple of nights a week to do something special just for the two of you, might be nice. A movie or a walk somewhere nice and stop for a coffee or icecream along the way...it doesn`t have to be expensive.

If he will not help you with this or go to counseling with you, maybe going on your own would help. What`s important is doing something that makes you feel better, even if you do it alone. Going to meetings helped me. It gave me `live`friends to call upon for support or to go talk in a coffee house for a while, and it helped me find a new way of living that has brought me peace, no matter how much chaos is going on around me.

We can`t change others, but we can be open about what WE need in our lives, we can suggest ways to have fun and just let go of our problems for a while. We hold the key to our own happiness and it`s up to us to take the initiative in changing by changing our old sad ways and finding a better way to live...no matter how our addicts choose to live their lives.

Glad you joined us and hope you`ll walk with us a while. Take a read around and get to know us a little and keep posting and let us know a little about you.

Hugs

Done_With_It

****{CJ}}}

Welcome to SR... Whether you stay or go with him, you may want to at least give alanon a try. It has helped so many here, I think you'd be surprised at how much support you will find there.

I think you will find a lot of love and support here as well... :ghug3

ColliseumJane

Thank you all for your replies, and for sharing your stories and support. It's nice to know that there are others out there, who can relate, and that we don't have to go through it alone. There were times when I was really starting to feel like no one would understand. I am lucky to have the suppoet of great friends and family. We recently moved hours away though, and it's harder to keep in touch. My little one starts school this year, so I am hoping to have more time for myself then; to get out more, and socialize, do things for myself,build a new support system, and build up my confidence again. Happy I found you all here.

greeteachday

Welcome Jane - i hope you will stick around and that you will reach out and try some Alaqnon or Naranon meetings. They really are about learning to take care of oursleves, not about the addict. I've found meetings and coming here to be a huge help in restoring sanity in my life, rebuilding confidence and feeling content in my own skin. I sure hope you will start focusing on you and your little one and let your husband find his own way. Hugs

MsPINKAcres

Welcome to our SR Family Jane

I hate that you are affected by the disease of alcoholism/addiction but I am so very glad that you are do what is best for YOU - reaching out for help.

Let me tell you what Al-Anon and SR has and is doing for me - allowing me to live Happy, Joyous and Free regardless of the actions, attitudes and consequences of an alcoholic/addict husband, addict daughter, 4 other daughters and a big family of untreated al-anon's.

I still go thru very painful experiences, heartbreaks and tough times - but during those rough roads, I have a support system, a program of recovery and a Higher Power that is there for me to help survive those crisis situations.

I hope that you will find the same. You deserve it.

Wishing you Serenity, Joy & Love,
Rita

hope213

i hear your pain. you are not alone. we are hear for you to help you walk thru all of this. with recovery you get stronger & stronger. like the addict if you work it it works. start today, go to meetings. keep coming back here & read & read.focus on your needs, not his. prayers for you both,