Recieved A Letter

Old 09-01-2008, 03:47 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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I am fairly new here but not to the addiction part. My son is also
in jail and needed new sneakers, my resolution was to look through
all his very old clothing and did find a pair that he wouldn't wear when
he had freedom.
I cleaned them up, bought new laces, sneaker polish, buffed them
up nicely and sent them to him...he was quite surprised as to how
nice they were and totally forgot about them. He actually said thank
you Mom they worked great and within the code of what they will allow
in jail. I didn't tell him that they were the ones I bought the first time
he was in jail and he ditched them fairly quickly when he was out..
I know that you will find you own way to deal with this..good luck.

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Old 09-01-2008, 04:07 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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I always had a hard time saying no to my daughter, even before her addiction. Lately though I have been saying no a lot and you know what, she either buys the stuff herself or she goes without. I think she feels better about herself. I have even lent her a couple bucks for cigarettes because she did not have her purse with her and when we got home she went right in the bedroom and got her money and paid me back. She is shopping at a used clothes store and buys Walmart tennis shoes. I know that if I slip and say yes, it will be back to mom buys, yippee!! So I am holding firm and she is finding her way. I hope your son does too. Hugs, Marle
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Old 09-01-2008, 05:06 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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RozieD .... you're in my prayers! Your son is, too ....

In my family, we rarely exchange gifts for birthday and Christmas. My siblings and I draw names to buy ONE gift for each of the nieces & nephews for Christmas -- nothing for birthdays, and nothing for us grown-ups. STUFF just isn't that fulfilling, you know?

The occasional gifts that have been really wonderful and memorable were personal. When my brother turned 40, we assembled an album with pictures and cards and letters. We called old friends from earlier times in his life, and had them send cards, too. He was overwhelmed, cried, and just really felt the love.

Your son can get his own STUFF, more so or less depending on how responsibly he chooses to live his life. Send him something for his INTERIOR. How about making him something to hang on his cell wall? The AA Promises or some other hopeful text, like the Footprints poem or the Desiderata or something. Then around it paste pictures of things and people he loves or has loved in his past, like the beach, or a hobby or sport he once loved, or family members who are just aching for him to get his life together. Or even just simply the framed text, or another book but this time, write out a dedication on the inside cover with your prayers for his recovery and happy life.

JMHO. I'd nix the shoes.
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Old 09-02-2008, 05:36 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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I just sent him a book the other day. He probably still hasn't recieved it.
I can't send him old shoes. The prison he is in doesn't allow any clothing or shoes or anything for that matter in..................................I thyink they are afraid of contraband being smuggled in.
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Old 09-02-2008, 05:40 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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I think sending him books is a great idea. I would do like you the prison, see how much tennis shoes are and send him exactly that amount. The prison my best friend was in would only allow gifts from "outside" at Christmas, and then they had a detailed list of what was allowed. Contraband IS a big problem, so they're very cautious.

Do what you feel most comfortable doing....that's all that counts, okay?

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 09-02-2008, 06:09 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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After so many times of being burnt financially and emotionally by my oldest AD, I had to take a hard look at what I was doing, and what I was communicating to her.

I've lost track of how many times she's been incarcerated now (she's currently on probation for yet another slew of charges and finished her jail time for that).

Every time I caved after listening to her sobbing about how she needed toothpaste, or shampoo, and could I just put a little money on the books for her, I was communicating that it was okay to do what she did, that I would soften the consequences for her as best as I could.

No more, period. I don't care if it's her birthday or not.

I communicate my love by telling her that I love her and always will, that she is well aware of what recovery is by watching me live it for many years now, and I will support her (emotionally, NOT financially) in any efforts in recovery if she ever chooses that path.

She's still full of resentment, anger, and blame, and I will no longer accept that blame. I will not have her tell me how it's all my fault, only to put that aside later and cushion her falls. That isn't healthy for either of us.

I think tough love is tougher on the parent/s than it is on the child, but the longer I have practiced it, the easier it gets
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Old 09-02-2008, 07:45 AM
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You have made alot of valid points Devon. I have to do more serious thinking about all of this.
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Old 09-02-2008, 09:18 AM
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Roz, here in Ar. the inmates get a list with prices from commisary-shows you the price of everything they are able to purchase. We can send nothing in other than books and they must come from one of 3 National book companies. You may try your Pa. Department of Correction on the Internet. Here you can find out just about anything you want to know or contact the ADC.

I have typed to many letters on the computer to AH-thank goodness my printer is broken.........But it certainly gets rid of stress..........
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Old 09-02-2008, 11:12 AM
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BUT I still feel like I should at least buy him sneakers for his Birthday.
I don't know rozied. Why would you by a birthday present for someone who doesn't even appreciate you and calls you brain dead. Maybe it's time to teach your son a lesson by not rewarding that kind of letter with a present!

They provide slippers in prison. And if a prisoner is willing, they provide opportunities to work so prisoners can can earn their own money to buy sneakers.

You may be sending your son the wrong message by sending him sneakers in prison. You may be telling him that it is ok to be verbally abusive to you because you will still support him. It's ok to break the law because you will still support him.

I know it's hard to let go rozied. But maybe it's time...

Prisoners don't need new sneakers. They need to learn hard lessons so they don't re-offend in the future. Maybe if you don't by him sneakers, prison might be that much more uncomfortable. And maybe he'll make a better choice about living within the law once he gets out because he doesn't want to ever go back to jail again. And he'll mean it.
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Old 09-03-2008, 05:00 AM
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Hello-Kitty, You're right. He doesn't deserve the time of day from me.

Well his B Day is not till Sept 30th so I have time to think.
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Old 09-03-2008, 06:31 AM
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Would you be sending the money because you think he needs these sneakers, deserves these sneakers or because it would make YOU feel like you're still the good guy that gets walked all over? See, mine would be the last one. I would know my AD didn't derserve a thing from me, in fact I didn't get her anything this year, but I think I would get her gifts either to a) give me ammunication to use against her in the future, b) give her one less thing to attack me about, c) show others what a good mom I was even after the way she treated me. I actually felt guilty at first, even though she hasn't gotten me a gift for years and I had at least gotten her a card and I kinda left the gift option open to "I haven't been able to get to the store this week." Within days she was on me again about something and I'm glad I didn't give her a thing.

Funny, she's still PO'd about it but get this. My AD's middle daughters birthday was in March, she turned 10. My AD first said she couldn't have a party for her until the following week which was her payday. Of course, that payday came and went, and we all knew where that money went, but still no party. A month later, since granddaughter was bummed, me and my other two daughters had a little party for her ourseelves. She loved it. Now, July comes along, youngest granddaughter, turned 5, same thing, same excuse, so we combined her party with her cousins who turned 4. MY AD was upset cause thinks no one paid as much attention to her daughter as her cousins. DUH.

So, along comes August 3, my oldest granddaughter turned 15, so her and I planned her party, boy did I get a really nasty email from AD to mind my own business and it was her daughter and what did we all think "she was some kind of monster mother?" Well, you guessed it, Labor Day daughters and I had a party for her ourselves. Now, she's mad I didn't get her a thing yet her three got nothing from her. Just can't wait for Christmas.

Good luck, Roszied, you'll do what makes you feel at peace and it will be right for you.
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Old 09-03-2008, 07:12 AM
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Gee Baxter...... I hate to say it but I think what you did was wonderful! Once I ignored one of my daughters Birthdays and she never forgot it, and she never forgot mine again either.
It is hard to be tough but us softies have to learn!
Rosied, What happens if you don't have the money to send your son? Does he go barefoot or does the prison kick in? Don't they earn money also to pay for things?
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Old 09-03-2008, 12:15 PM
  # 53 (permalink)  
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You know BeeGee I don't know. I know they get these blue slipper type things to wear inside the prison. I think he wants to sneakers so he can go outside or play basketball in the gym.
Baxter, Thank you. You did good. I guess that taught your daughter a lesson.
I wrote him a letter back telling him he had some nerve calling me brain dead & spewing all this anger at me then at the end as an afterthought say " Oh I'm sorry I was just mad, I do love you & by the way my Birthday is coming & I need $45 for sneakers "
Then I told him not a yr has gone by that I haven't recognized your birthday, and its not your Birthday for another 27 days & I don't know yet what I'm going to do. I signed it Take Care Mom. I mailed it!!!
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Old 09-03-2008, 12:32 PM
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Rosied, my mother ignored my birthdays for about 4 years, the last 2 1/2 years of my using and the first 1 1/2 years or maybe 2 years I was in recovery.

Oh I have to admit, I was very po'd the first 2. However, once I was in recovery, I started to realize that no matter what she sent me, somehow it would have gone for alcohol and/or drugs. My mom did the correct thing for me.

When I was 2 years sober, 3 weeks before my natal birthday, my mom asked me what I would like for my birthday, and in all honesty I said just a card. I meant it, yes my attitude had changed.

Well.................................she talked with my sponsor, and finding out how I was slowly furnishing my house, she went to her local sears, bought a microwave, the notice was sent to me to go to my local Sears and pick it up, and what a microwave it was. I cried for days. I knew I was slowly getting better, I had my mother back.

My point is simply this. No matter what you do or don't do, where he is right now, it won't be ENOUGH and it won't be RIGHT in his eyes. That is not your son. That is a human being that is torn and ravaged by drugs and alcohol, who wrong decisions and actions have gotten him in jail for quite a while yet. He is once again manipulating you.

No matter what we say here, you will do what you feel you have to do, however, just stop and think for a bit. Are you ready to get off the Roller Coaster yet? Are you ready to stop the Dance yet? If you are, then if you send him anything, just send a birthday card, no money, no credit at the commissary, JUST A CARD.

Some day, when the LIGHT BULB finally goes on, he will understand.


Love and hugs,
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Old 09-03-2008, 12:40 PM
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Is he in a Prison or a County Jail rozied? When my ex was re-jailed on his probation violation, he ended up in the county jail for the first couple months, and the only thing those guys are allowed to wear is the slippers. Then when he was moved to the prison to serve out the rest of his sentence, they put him to work in the kitchen. He earned his own money. They even had used clothing, left behind by other prisoners who were released, where they could get used stuff for free. The one time I took my son to visit him, he borrowed street clothes from one of the other prisoners so that he didn't have to wear his prison pants.

So please let us know when you find out the answer about the sneakers. I'm curious how it varies from state to state. (And it does.) And just know that if you send him $$$, it won't necessarily get used for sneakers... you can't control what he spends it on.

I think your response to your son is JUST AWESOME and SO APPROPRIATE. You're a good mom. You;re a good person. Don't forget that. Don't forget that it is OK to have boundaries about how you will allow people to treat you and how you will respond when they treat you poorly.

I only hope that when my son is older, I have the strength to stand up to his demands and set limits. It's hard enough when they are 3 years old.
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Old 09-03-2008, 01:05 PM
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Hi rozied~~Just been thinking about you today and your dilemna with your son. It's so hard but the bottom line is you'll have to do what the prison allows. You know what I would do with his letters.. Return them unopened. If he can't be nice to his mom~~then he doesn't deserve for you to have to read them. No way would I allow my son to put anything down I have done to help with his deserve more than that!! Amen~~~Bonnie XXxxOOooo
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Old 09-03-2008, 01:09 PM
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I know Kitty, dealing with my 3 yr old grandson is hard enough!!!
Thanks everyone for your input.
I forgot to answer your question, he is in a county jail. I don't understand how he has done it but for almost 8 yrs now he has been in & out of this county jail. So far they have not sent him to a state prison. ( I don't know why )

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Old 09-03-2008, 01:23 PM
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I think you did great on the letter you sent!

I've been in 2 county jails and we were only allowed "shower shoes" that they provided for us, along with the "lovely" jumpsuits.

Years ago, I was sending my hard-earned money to my XABF in jail for food. He then said he needed extra money to get him out early and I fell for it. After he got out, stole my rent money for crack, and left me with a box of my letters, I found a receipt that he had spent $200 on junk food...while I was going without food to send him money.

Now he's back in jail, begging for money for food. He's not getting a dime from me.

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 09-03-2008, 01:28 PM
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OMG yes. The junk food! hahaha.

That is pretty much all those guys can buy in the county jails around here (in WA State) - that and soap, razors and stuff. Rozied, please do yourself a huge favor and check with the jail before you send him any money. Don't get taken. ;-)

I'm not sure how long your son is going to have to serve, but in order to get out of the county system and into the State system, you must be sentenced for more than a year and one day. Most prisoners prefer the state system and will actually request longer sentences just because they can wear what they want in there. In the county system they usually don't get a choice in clothes...

This makes the shoe story sound even more fishy to me...
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Old 09-04-2008, 12:16 PM
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Just wanted to let you know about the 2 letters I got from jail/prison in the past week.

First was from my XABF...full of "I love you, I need you...oh and can you send me money"...quack, quack, quack.

The second was from a boy who used to sell me dope, but also tried to keep me safe and get me off the streets and didn't LIKE selling me stuff, but that's how he made a living. Anyway, he got into a fight, killed someone and it was self defense but he ran to another state and got 14 years.

He's been very supportive of me. I told him I felt bad I couldn't send him money (he's NEVER asked) and he said "don't worry about that...I got myself where I am, I get fed 3 times a day except on weekends...put your money toward your bills". I just got a letter and he said a CO pulled him aside and asked if he believe in God. He does, and he prays "even for my enemies" but he said he keeps hearing me say things like "God hasn't let me down yet" or "God will help me through this" and he sees how I've changed MY life the past 3 years, and wants to follow in my footsteps.

I know he's not quacking because he takes full responsibility for his actions, hasn't asked for anything, and has helped ME through some of my struggles. The other big thing is he's never really had "enablers"...has had to take the consequences of his actions since he was 12 years old. He has family/friends that LOVE him dearly, but no one has ever bailed him out of jail, his mom is struggling to make ends meet so he doesn't ask her for anything. He's 24 years old, but has grown up really fast.

Just something to think about.

Hugs and prayers!

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