Complicated
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 4
Complicated
Hi.
I have a bit of a dilemma. My boyfriends has been divorced from his wife for 2 years. They have a 6 year old son-He's a great kid. They have joint custody-week on week off kind of an arrangement. We dont socialize with her but have friends and family that do.
Last summer the ex went to in patient rehab for a month-she was the typical party girl who drank too much too often and also went on coke binges. I think her addictions were more social than physical, although I recognize that can often been just as challenging. However while in rehab, she met a guy and when they "got out" she moved him in to her place right away. Everyone cautioned her against it but she didnt listen-it was true love and forever. He was in rehab for crack use.
Fast forward about 7 months. We find out that she and the new man have decided that smoking pot is ok. Now I beleive that people can use pot no probelm from time to time but if you are an addict you are an addict and that should be off limits. What bothered me then is that my boyfriend would pick up his son at her house and she would be high-I dont think its something that should be done with kids around, but at that point I didnt feel I had a place to say anything to him about the situation.
A couple of months later she announces she is pregnant. She continues to smoke pot too which I think is ridiculous (she apparently did during her first pregnancy too and drank). As far as everyone can tell, she hasnt done coke or had anything to drink though.
Last week we learned that her rehab boyfriend has relapsed and she kicked him out. She is 7 month pregnant. She has told people she will take him back if he stays clean between now and Christmas. She has also asked us if she can provide before and after school care every week for the 6 year old while she is on mat leave, isntead of us sending him to his day care which he has happily been attending the last few years). On my boyfriends custody weeks, we'd pick him up after work from her place-but he's be subjected to more of what goes on there.
We are very concerned about how having this guy come in and out of the 6 year olds life will affect him. How do we protect him when we dont have him at our house? How do we explain the situation, and that drugs are bad, when mom (and one set of grandparents as well) do them? We dont want to disrespect her to her son, but at the same time we want him to grow up understanding that some choices are bad.
There are so many what ifs in this situation and we feel like we cant really do anything. She hasnt done enough wrong where we feel we could easily go for full custody, yet what kind of example is she setting for her son? Its such a grey area!
I have a bit of a dilemma. My boyfriends has been divorced from his wife for 2 years. They have a 6 year old son-He's a great kid. They have joint custody-week on week off kind of an arrangement. We dont socialize with her but have friends and family that do.
Last summer the ex went to in patient rehab for a month-she was the typical party girl who drank too much too often and also went on coke binges. I think her addictions were more social than physical, although I recognize that can often been just as challenging. However while in rehab, she met a guy and when they "got out" she moved him in to her place right away. Everyone cautioned her against it but she didnt listen-it was true love and forever. He was in rehab for crack use.
Fast forward about 7 months. We find out that she and the new man have decided that smoking pot is ok. Now I beleive that people can use pot no probelm from time to time but if you are an addict you are an addict and that should be off limits. What bothered me then is that my boyfriend would pick up his son at her house and she would be high-I dont think its something that should be done with kids around, but at that point I didnt feel I had a place to say anything to him about the situation.
A couple of months later she announces she is pregnant. She continues to smoke pot too which I think is ridiculous (she apparently did during her first pregnancy too and drank). As far as everyone can tell, she hasnt done coke or had anything to drink though.
Last week we learned that her rehab boyfriend has relapsed and she kicked him out. She is 7 month pregnant. She has told people she will take him back if he stays clean between now and Christmas. She has also asked us if she can provide before and after school care every week for the 6 year old while she is on mat leave, isntead of us sending him to his day care which he has happily been attending the last few years). On my boyfriends custody weeks, we'd pick him up after work from her place-but he's be subjected to more of what goes on there.
We are very concerned about how having this guy come in and out of the 6 year olds life will affect him. How do we protect him when we dont have him at our house? How do we explain the situation, and that drugs are bad, when mom (and one set of grandparents as well) do them? We dont want to disrespect her to her son, but at the same time we want him to grow up understanding that some choices are bad.
There are so many what ifs in this situation and we feel like we cant really do anything. She hasnt done enough wrong where we feel we could easily go for full custody, yet what kind of example is she setting for her son? Its such a grey area!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
She hasnt done enough wrong where we feel we could easily go for full custody, yet what kind of example is she setting for her son? Its such a grey area!
As a last resort and only as a last resort i would call the Child Protection Services of your state. Not only is his son at risk, there is an unborn child at GREAT RISK.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Your boyfriend doesn't have to let her watch the 6 year old while she is on maternity leave unless it is already set up that way in the custody papers. Personally I think it would be very disruptive to the little guy, even if his mom wasn't acting so irresponsibly, and he'll lose his spot in daycare.
No is a complete sentence.
But your boyfriend has to say it to her. It's his responsibility.
No is a complete sentence.
But your boyfriend has to say it to her. It's his responsibility.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
zoecomet
Having some experience with this type of situation in Ohio (my sister with the children of her foster-daughter), I'm not sure I'd wait to call Children's services. Of course, calling a lawyer first might help you understand all your options.
Maybe laurie6781 could elaborate on other reasons why it might be good to wait.
All I know is that I have called Children's services in two cases - one with my foster niece and one when a freind told me about a woman taking her kid's ritalin while pregnant.
Long stories short, my sister filed for and now has custody of her foster daughter's kids (foster daughter is addicted to heroine) and the other situation Children's services took the kids and put them in a foster home and prosecuted the mother (she already had a drug record). That woman lost her kids for good.
One reason to wait might be if you don't want to see the 6 year old in foster care. My sister got custody becuase she had been caring for the children in her home from the time they were born. I'm not sure children's services would put them in foster care if there is another parent in the picture.
In any case, I agree with laurie6781, the children are the victims here (6 year old and unborn) and anything you can do to create a safe place for them is critical to do - before the mom gets high and the kids are injured or killed.
Good luck - prayers for your insight and success in protecting the kids.
Having some experience with this type of situation in Ohio (my sister with the children of her foster-daughter), I'm not sure I'd wait to call Children's services. Of course, calling a lawyer first might help you understand all your options.
Maybe laurie6781 could elaborate on other reasons why it might be good to wait.
All I know is that I have called Children's services in two cases - one with my foster niece and one when a freind told me about a woman taking her kid's ritalin while pregnant.
Long stories short, my sister filed for and now has custody of her foster daughter's kids (foster daughter is addicted to heroine) and the other situation Children's services took the kids and put them in a foster home and prosecuted the mother (she already had a drug record). That woman lost her kids for good.
One reason to wait might be if you don't want to see the 6 year old in foster care. My sister got custody becuase she had been caring for the children in her home from the time they were born. I'm not sure children's services would put them in foster care if there is another parent in the picture.
In any case, I agree with laurie6781, the children are the victims here (6 year old and unborn) and anything you can do to create a safe place for them is critical to do - before the mom gets high and the kids are injured or killed.
Good luck - prayers for your insight and success in protecting the kids.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Maybe laurie6781 could elaborate on other reasons why it might be good to wait.
Find out his legal options first. That little boy and that unborn baby are in SERIOUS DANGER.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 4
Thanks for the replies. Some people think we are over reacting to her pot use...that its just a metter of opinion on whether or not its irresponsible. i think thats why we are hesitant to move forward. I realize he is the one that has to do everything to make changes and he is willing, but as he puts it he isnt sure if its time yet to pull the trigger and go for full custody although he says "its close".
As for the day care, we are waiting to hear from the day home operator if she will accept a 2/4 week arrangement as the son is currently in a full time spot and he'd be dropping down to part time as we cant control what his mom does on her weeks with him. I hope the operator will keep a spot for him otherwise we'l have to scramble to find a part time option elsewhere or he'll go to his mom's instead of day care. That part kind of sucks because she is essentiantially putting us in the poistion where he will likely lose his spot in daycare. what happens when she goes back to work ?!?
Anyway thank you again!
As for the day care, we are waiting to hear from the day home operator if she will accept a 2/4 week arrangement as the son is currently in a full time spot and he'd be dropping down to part time as we cant control what his mom does on her weeks with him. I hope the operator will keep a spot for him otherwise we'l have to scramble to find a part time option elsewhere or he'll go to his mom's instead of day care. That part kind of sucks because she is essentiantially putting us in the poistion where he will likely lose his spot in daycare. what happens when she goes back to work ?!?
Anyway thank you again!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
illegal drugs are just that...illegal. get a lawyer & see if your b.f. can get sole custody of the child. he does not need to b around that. let us know how things turn out. her problems are her problems.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 4
Just to update....it turns out the ex's boyfriend "slipped up" and used crack again but has opted not to go to rehab again and is still living in the house. We will be contacting a lawyer to see what the options are...I beleive people can change and kick their habits but until this man does and my BF's ex decides to protect her own son and not put up with crackheads in her home, we have no choice but to protect the son and seek full custody.
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