fndngserenity

Hi everyone. So, Friday night was pretty eventful. I went down with my BF (currently trying to recover from painkillers with sub) to the bar. I know that's not really the best place to be but if I wasn't with him he would have gone anyway.
Well, anyway.....
He says he needs to go to the atm to get money to pay the tab. I said, just use your debit card. He didn't want to do that so he left with some "guy" and came right back. Took out two hundred dollars!! Okay, fine, whatever!
Later on I reached in his pocket to grab his lighter and found a bag. Yup. A bag. Couldn't see what was in it. Said it was his friends and he was holding it. His friend was at the bar too. He said "give it back!" I said ok.
Well, I didn't know what to think. I had so many emotions. I went out to smoke my cigarette and he came out there to talk to me I guess and I didn't here him. He ended up leaving me at the bar! I was driving so I found him walking home.
He was upset and said you thought it was mine. I said, no, I didn't know what to think - how could you leave me there? Not cool.
DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW I WOULD BE ABLE TO TELL IF HE WAS USING. IT IS OXY AND IF HE DID USE IT HE WOULD SNORT IT. PLEASE HELP. SOMEONE. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT SIGNS TO LOOK FOR.

Thank you so much. I told him what I would be mad about is lying. If it was his, tell me the truth. I don't want to be a fool and believe in him and trust him if he is lying. But I don't want to accuse him if I really don't have proof.

Hope someone can give me some advice - thank you everyone!

suzieq1972

My STBXAH's drug of choice was oxy (along with alcohol). The things I noticed the most were the constant scratching (he itched ALL the time), nodding off, sweating ALOT and very tiny pupils. He snorted his oxy also.

My question to you is this: If he is using again what are YOU going to do? Do you have any boundaries in place?

I'm sorry you are going through this, it certainly isn't easy. However, you have to take care of yourself first. He may be using and he may not. The real question is, what are YOU willing to live with?


Sue
:ghug3

beegee

I have to agree with what anvilhead said above. The only other thing would be to ask to see how much change he has from the bar tab, you were there when he paid right? But it has been a few days so some money could be gone. Ummmm it would be the last time he ever left me at a bar alone. Excuses, excuses they all have them..... Sorry for your pain...

imallright

I can't tell you what to look for, because Lord knows I was clueless most of the time when it came to my H's use. BUT what I will tell you is that it is so painful and difficult to spend your time always wondering. Help yourself. Draw some tough lines and then do what is right for you. I used to spend a ton of energy wondering, asking, getting lied to, thinking I was nuts, trying to figure out where the heck the money was going and at the same time telling myself that he wasn't using, etc, etc, etc. I finally said, "stop the insanity. I don't know if you are using or not, but I know I am going nuts trying to live with you." Done. Over. Not saying this is best for you, but am saying figure out what IS best for you and go for it! All the best.

Chino

The signs that he isn't sober and isn't in recovery are already there.

Jody Hepler

Doesn't sound like sober behavior to me.

Maybe you don't need to go to bars with him? I was taught that alcoholics don't go to bars to listen to the music. It is old places, old playgrounds.

I was the quintessimal snooper - figure it out - how big are their pupils - what does this mean - and none of it kept them clean and sober - but it surely kept me "sick" and nuts.

I had to get a life for myself - and I found that through Alanon - I was as obsessed with the addict as they were with their drugs.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

laurie6781

I'm sorry you may not like this but I can tell you that when I drank it triggered me using drugs and when I drugged it triggered me using alcohol.

What on earth were you doing with him at a bar to begin with? That is not recovery at all, that is substituting one for another and setting ones self up to go back to DOC if one is even off of it.

It doesn't matter if he's using oxy or not, HE'S NOT SOBER! You are driving yourself crazy trying to figure it out.

My question is this What are you doing for YOU to get out of this situation. You can't change him. You can't fix him, and you didn't cause it.

Don't you deserve better than this? I think you do.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

hello-kitty

I can't tell you what signs to look I think we see the signs when we are ready to acknowledge the truth. Until then we just live in denial.

I can tell you a few things from my own experience though that might help you...

People in loving, healthy relationships don't leave their partner in a bar. People who are in recovery don't ring up $200 bar tabs. People who are in recovery don't hold drugs for their friends. People who have a $200 bar tab and a debit card don't need to run to the ATM for cash to pay the bartender...

Trofnelo

Wouldn't it be nice to have a boyfriend that takes you out to a nice dinner on a Friday night, spoils you with some flowers and asks you about your life? Friday night dates don't need to be filled with heartache and drama. Think about what's in this relationship for you.

Even if/when you catch him in the act of snorting oxy you won't feel better knowing you are right in your accusations to him. That only sounds good in theory. In truth it stinks that you even have to wonder... and if you know for sure it will stink too. If a person is truly reformed the actions will be apparent to you, words are cheap. It's not fair to you to be treated like this, bottom line. I'm sorry you are so unhappy, I have been though the same stuff and feel bad for you.

rahsue

I don't really know of anyone that actually "holds" someone elses drugs. If Iwere an addict noone would get ahold of my drugs. just my opinion.

ihatethis

I'm with rahsue. I personally believe that no one holds their drug of choice for a friend.

splendra

Aw come on now you don't really believe him do you....

Nothing will make me crazier than trying to make myself believe a whopper of a lie!!! How crazy do you feel? The crazier you feel the bigger the lie. Use that as a gauge...

fndngserenity

So I'm not crazy!?! Boy, I was starting to think so. I had pain killers left over from my surgery. He even asked me if I had some left so he could give them to his friend.
I'm so angry with myself. I hate what this is doing to me but I can't seem to let it go. I'm holding on to those moments when we are together and the way he makes me feel.
I agree with Jodi - I'm as addicted to him as he is his drugs
Thank you all for your wonderful posts - I really needed to be smacked and have someone say wake the heck up!
I really agree with all of you.
No, I do not want to stay if he is using. But I feel wrong leaving when I don't have "proof".
He told me if he was using then he would be energetic and doing things around the house. (hmmm. like he did all weekend??) and then he runs out of energy like crazy. When we first got together, he used to twitch very badly in his sleep. That subsided for the last month or so and now its back again.
Also.....and this is so bad, I'm embarrased to admit it but I can't make excuses for him any more. He went to see his doc friday and then after he got his refill, he took six instead of the 2-3 he was supposed to!!! he said he got high. maybe that made him want more so he decided to buy the real stuff? dunno.
i will have to look at his pupils. I thought they always look small - but that could be from the sub maybe? Not sure.
He's sweating a lot again and that had subsided over the last week or so. Grrrrr, I hate this!!!!!

scorpiogirl

The signs are already there. A sober person doesn't carry dope around for someone else. You know, sometimes we just don't want to believe what we either see with our eyes or just know. The disease is very cunning, powerful and patient. Trust your gut. Trust your heart. You know, little one, the truth. It's hard yet.....:codiepolice

Get some help for yourself. An addict wouldn't be sitting in a bar or scoring dope. Writing is on the wall.

ScorpioGirl

scorpiogirl

Quote:

Originally Posted by fndngserenity

No, I do not want to stay if he is using. But I feel wrong leaving when I don't have "proof".

You have proof. You know. :horse
Only you can answer this: How more miserable do you want to be?

How much longer do you want to go on the roller-coaster with him?

I read someone else's post back to you (forgot who) and they talked about having a nice Friday night date - maybe dinner date with flowers. Or a movie you can laugh in or bowling - ya know, a feel-good kinda thing. I know I wouldn't want to be in a bar doing the dance you're doing. What would you say to your best friend if they told you all this stuff? Only you can say "enough is enough".

I'm praying for you girl that you get help and take the higher road. We aren't supposed to be miserable.

hugs, :ghug3
ScorpioGirl

eaglesgirl

:rotfxko This is a line I think everyone's ALO has told before. I don't know of a single addict that would let another addict hold their DOC.


The signs are all around you, you just have to be willing to believe what you are seeing, not what you are hearing....

hello-kitty

If you draw a list of personal boundaries based on the kind of behavior and treatment you will accept from the people in your life, you will find it easier. You won't need "proof" that he's using drugs. (although the below statement from him is ALL THE PROOF you need!)

You will be leaving because he violates your personal boundaries and you deserve better treatment from the people who are suppose to love and cherish you.

I value______________. Therefore I will not accept _____________ behavior in my life. If someone violates this boundary, I will __________________.

FOR EXAMPLE:

I value honesty. Therefore I will not accept lying. If someone lies to me, I will not allow them to be part of my life.

I believe in basic human dignity & respect. Therefore I will not accept someone treating me with disrespect. If someone disrespects me, I will leave.

Drugs are illegal and I value a drug free lifestyle. Therefore I do not want to be around people who use drugs or think it is ok to hold drugs for other people. If someone has drugs on them, I don't care who they belong too, I will not hang out with that person anymore.

hope213

he should not have had it on him period...... he needs to know it is going to take a long time for you to be able to trust him. is he going to meetings,doing anything for his recovery? if not he will not last. not many do anyway. sorry but that is how i feel. i am sorry for your pain. i am still praying for you both.

ftumsh

i was in a relationship once where i was totally blinded by love. i would go over to my bf's place and lay with him on the bed and ask about the "scratches" on his arms and listen (and believe) to what seemed like at the time to be valid excuses. even when he said his tv and laptop were at the repair shop, i believed him unconditionally. only in retrospect do i know how gullible i was. i wish i was llike you and were able to even question it.

all the best

fndngserenity

Sadly....making no excuses for him - I don't think he is taking his recovery seriously Thank you so much kitty - I am going to copy and paste that into my pc and remind myself everyday of what I deserve and want.
Thanks everyone for all of your support. And Anvil - I don't know what you wrote but I did see that it was removed due to being overopinionated. Well...that's the chance I take by posting. I want to know what people who have gone through this think - even if it sounds harsh. Sometimes harshness is what we need-kinda like a smack in the face to say "hello!!!! wake up!!!!"
Well everyone, thank you for your posts. I am going to go and read some more and try to take a little time for myself right now. I've spent too much time the last few days worrying about all of this. I need a little me time.

Thanks again