duet_4-8

Hi,
I could have written your original post about 15 years ago about my now exah. He used all the same excuses and I bought them all for years because I didn't want to see the truth. But the truth was right there in front of me just the same.

You can't control him. It will make you crazy to try.

Number one, someone who is REALLY trying to recover from opiate addiction is not going to go to a bar.

Number two, addicts don't hold other people's dope for them. That is a standard excuse that I am sure most of us here have heard numerous times, I know I did.

Number three, TRUST YOUR GUT. You already know what is going on. Addicts lie. About anything that has to do with using.

I don't know you or how long you have been with this guy, but my best advice is to walk away unless you are content to live in chaos and doubt.

The question is not whether he is using or lying about it. The question is:
What kind of life do you want? That is the only thing you have any control over at all.

Please don't think I don't care about you pain, because I do. I am so sorry you are involved in this. Take care of YOU!!

(((HUGS)))

fndngserenity

Hi Jen. Thank you for your post. I know that everyone cares and I value all of the opinions posted on here.
I have really evaluated what has been going on the past month or so. His behaviors and the things he has been doing. I honestly believe "with my gut" that he is using. Suprisingly, it is not the using that has me worked up. It is the lying to me about it. Especially when I told him I wouldn't be mad and that he could always tell me the truth. But, my research has shown me that they still lie anyway. I try not to take it personal, some days I can't help it.
The worst part is that I feel like a fool because he thinks he's lying and getting away with it. Sometimes I think he even convinces himself of his lies. And boy......are they good at lying. They even make up all of this detail so "its got to be true" - NOT.
Now I really have to evaluate what I want. If I stay than my responsibility is to acknowledge he has an addiction problem and accept it and live withit. Or.....I have to decide that this is more than I want in my life no matter how much I love him and move on.
I am not a dumb girl. I'm very intuitive and I can usually read people very well. I have been putting it all together and now am quite sure he was using when I met him. I think he started to clean up for a little while because his whole attitude changed. Now the man that I thought I fell in love with is back. Sweet, chipper, energized, romantic.....it kills me to think I actually fell in love with him while he was using and that he doesn't really love me and that it is just the drugs talking to me. That is hard to realize. But, the truth isn't always supposed to be easy to hear.
So basically, I have a lot to think about right now. I'm not going to make a hasty decision. I am going to think long and hard - can I live with this for the rest of my life? Am I willing to live everyday knowing that I am being lied to?? I'm quite sure of the decision I have to make. I'm scared but I know it will be okay in the long run.
We do not live together. We are supposed to move out sometime in the near future. Honestly.....how can I move myself and my five year old daughter out with a man who is currently using? I mean, this is just the beginning. His money will always be gone, he may start stealing or selling things. And, he is also a suicidal person. I don't want to come home one day and find him dead. I cannot handle that.
I have a lot of self reflection ahead and this is not going to be an easy decision. I do love him. I am finding it hard to give my love to someone who knows they are lying to me. I have a hard time with that.
If he came to me today and said, "I've been using. I want to quit." I would say, "Thank you for coming to me. This isn't going to be easy but I will be by your side and help you in any way that I can but just know that you have to do this for yourself." I wouldn't get mad and walk away. I would give him the opportunity. I wouldn't move in with him but I would stay and be there for support.
Well anyway.......thanks for the post. Hope the weather is beautiful in the rest of the country. Sunny and warm here with a nice cool breeze. Starting to feel like fall!

Take care

Abundance

YUP!!!!! You are dead on! It's now time for you to do thinking and the acting. I'm so proud of you for not doing it in haste. Nothing good can come from that when in doubt - even a tiny bit. It's now that is the time that you keep the focus on you and what YOU want. Just go through the motions mainly of looking after you - as we all know - that there is the key. It's such a cunning disease... and it can cut through us (the codies) like a knife - only by our allowing it to. You are doing the right thing by stepping back and thinking of your choices.

Right now - my guy is here going through the thick of withdrawals. I'm leaving tomorrow - so that gives me the courage to keep going. Just like IPT not having his phone with him at work.

It all will come to us - good things in good time. In the mean time.... keeping ourselves sane through it all - is where it's at!!!

Like I tell my guy..... I love him, but I HATE opiates more! Which is huge for me because I'm not a hater...... I'm a lova! Which is what gets me in trouble half the time! But again - all good things in good time

Trofnelo

I have had this exact same thought over and over about my oxy ABF. But I have come to the conclusion that it is just negative self talk, not a realization. Drugs can't talk. What the drugs are is the "other woman" in effect. Just cuz ya think it & feel it doesn't mean it's the truth. Active addicts just can't love, they aren't capable, and that is absolutely no reflection on you at all.

I think taking your time in moving forward as in moving in together is a really really good decision. Thank you for posting.