IPT

I’m trying to stay strong. Slipped up a little this am. I haven’t seen my g/f since Wed (the night she said was just going to be “one time”). That turned into Thursday too, Friday she didn’t make it to work. Told me later that night that she was “sick”, and then proceeded to tell me that she visited a sick uncle and chauffeured a cousin around who had no car all day! Couldn’t have been that sick I guess…. I told her since I hadn’t heard from her all day (Friday) I had made other plans for the evening. She said “well I can still come over right”. I said sure, it’d be nice to have you there when I get back, then we could do a morning bike ride. She said “see you later”. Course she never came over.

I gave a courtesy text this AM that I would be leaving to ride in a bit. This is where it gets hard and I feel confused like I am not sure about my actions. She replied that she would not be able to make it because her mother needed her help. Her mom had no car (because she lent it to her son knowing my g/f would be there for her because she always relies on that. BTW, my g/f just turned 30, got her own place and still stays at my or her moms place pretty much all the time).

Her texts – “I’m stuck, wish I were with you. Not sure how to leave my mom. Sorry u r important to me I miss u”. “I’m scared, why can’t I just leave. Because I am weak, afraid. Trying to share with you.” “I am uncomfortable but stay..why am I not strong?”.

Sounds genuine enough, but it Is the same thing I have heard for a year or more. Her family has no boundaries at all. Last week my g/f was crying to me and upset that her mom choose not to even make it to her B-Day dinner. (In fact we picked up her brother from the house and her Mom and sister didn't even come out or aknowledge we were there).She said she wasted years trying to get them to care about her when all they did was use her. She beat herself up for an hour about her life choices. Now she drops everything for them. Her mom needed help because she gave her son her car! If I say get her a cab, it's "too expensive". Always an excuse. Meanwhile she has been there every night since Wed. Additionally I pointed out to her that if my g/f lived in another state, I am sure her mom would find a way to get things done.

There is always some “emergency” or “need” to be there for Mom. Broken car, lost purse, brother quit his job, she feels lonely, etc, etc. Though her 3 other siblings seem to be able to not run to her all the time.

This AM I admittedly got a little pissed with her on the phone. I was upset that she says she want to be with me, then chooses other things and states she has no choice. No one is twisting her arm (at least not physically) it is her choice. I told her so, and she said I just "didn’t understand". She said “you’re mad at me”. I said I wasn’t mad at her, that I was pissed at her mom for using her like that. That it made me upset that a mother would sacrifice a dtr’s happiness just to satisfy her own selfish needs. Of course my g/f has to let that happen so I guess it’s not the moms fault. In the end I apologized and said I have no right to say any of that and it is her life and she can do as she pleases.

Later that afternoon I called. She said she was still “helping her mom” and they still needed to go shopping. This is nearly 5 hours after our AM call (I guess things move really slowly when your just sitting around and smoking weed…). I told her that it was her choice but that clearly her family obligations were too much for her to be able to be in a relationship. Maybe I should just see her after the weekend. “No, that’s not what I want”. I told her if she really wanted to see me she would just tell her mom “look I have an hour more to help you, than I need to go”. Her response, “you don’t understand”. I told her that this relationship was really not meeting my needs any longer. It has been the same thing for 6 months or more. She said she wanted to see me and would come over soon. A few hours later I got a text “sorry I am missing out. I am still helping my mom. This is not easy for me, I miss you”. 2 1/2 hours later I finally texted her back “nothing has changed. I am missing out on a relationship. Please do not come over tonight or tomorrow. I am not interested in seeing you”. Out of the last 51 days I have seen her 18 of them. This is after 3 + years of dating!

This is a tangled mess of addiction, co-dependant relationships, and girl with low self-esteem. So I ask you. Do I “not understand?” Am I being unreasonable? I feel guilty now .

itisatruth

Actually, to me it sounds like you are being very reasonable. You have made your point clearly and expressed to her how you feel about the relationship and about her situation. She seems to have many issues as you said. She is not yet ready to deal with them. You are. You are growing and moving forward. Good for you. Unfortunately, you can't make her want it; she has to find her own way. When and/if she is ever ready, you will see action, not just apologies and words.

IPT

Thanks - I need to hear that. I am begining to question myself and feel like I am losing my mind! I don't understand her actions I guess. I sure understand co-dependance though. It's the subtle manipulation that throws me - grabs me heart and sways my rational mind. I am still questioning all this but you've given me a little reassurance, thanks - I needed it.

Reality

Your being emotionally manipualted by an addict. Thats what they do best.

Her actions are speaking. Listen to them.

HopeTo180

...Her texts – “I’m stuck, wish I were with you. Not sure how to leave my mom. Sorry u r important to me I miss u”. “I’m scared, why can’t I just leave. Because I am weak, afraid. Trying to share with you.” “I am uncomfortable but stay..why am I not strong?”...

...her mom choose not to even make it to her B-Day dinner...

...Mom and sister didn't even come out or aknowledge we were there...

...There is always some “emergency” or “need” to be there for Mom...

IPT,
I think you really have a good handle on things. You are staying true to yourself, no matter the world around you. I can understand your frustration with the tug-of-war emotionally. Don't know if this will help but, here are my thoughts;

It appears that she is seeking her mother's approval/love. No matter how hard she tries, she is ignored which drives her even harder. The reason she gives you up for her mother is because she knows you'll always be there, waiting, no matter what. You've always been there in the past and you'll always be there in the future.

The other thing that hits me is that her "Mom" may be drugs/alcohol. This fits too.

No matter what it is, her text indicates a cry for help. You are so level headed and care about her so much, I know you will, eventually, find a way to "come to her rescue". If it is meant to be, it will happen. The line you draw should be when it compromises your own sobriety and happiness. Prayers

rozied

Reading your 1st post IMHO the 1st mistake you made was to let her come over after you told her you were going out. Then when she didn't show up you went ahead & texed her the next am. She is always leaving you hanging, you never know what she is going to do from one minute to the next, and she is so used to have you there just waiting for her.
Start living your own life. If you make plans & then she calls, tell her its too late, you have plans. Then tell her to call you tomorrow. Don't always be there just waiting. Don't be at anyones beck & call!!!
That is my opinion.

Troubledone

IPT

I think we've all been where you are in some way. You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Adult, responsible, healthy individuals do not engage in the drama that you describe with your g/f. Congratulations on the boundaries you are setting.

For what it's worth, here are a few other thoughts...

One thing I've learned about letting go of an addict is that it happens in stages. Just when you think you've detached with love and have a little peace, wham, comes another layer. Sometimes I wonder if addicts can sense detachment and increase the drama to keep us hooked.

The thing that helps me is to look at two things. What is unhealed in me that I participate in the drama? For me, I discovered my own self-esteem issues, incorrect assumptions about what my duty is in life, some conditioning from the past, etc. It took a lot of work and I"m still working on it.

The second and harder thing for me is the bigger questions about life. I want this world to be a better place - where people get the help they need and the dysfunction is corrected at the source (parenting). In my stuggle about these issues, I realize that I can do only so much. When I think about the great teachers of the past - Jesus, Buddha, etc., all told the truth compassionately and then allowed people to choose, knowing that the consequences of behavior is what it takes for some people to "get it".

Addiction by its very nature causes people to be highly dependent on a whole network of people. Because of this, there will naturally be conflicts with people in the "network" (you, her mom, other friends, other addicts). Because addicts need to keep the network going, when a conflict arises (two people are asking for something at the same time- or they want to use), all they have is empty promises because they won't or can't choose one person or thing over another--they need everyone to support thier addiction. On some level I believe they know they always need a bunch of people in their hip pocket to survive.

And that doesn't even count the times they lie to cover thier drug use behavior.

When I step back and look at my addicted niece, the very thing she craves (love and connection) is impossible for her becuase of the lies and manipulation she must engage in to support her habit. And I can see that she won't be able to see this until the whole thing collapses (which is happening now). I also have a brother in law who was addicted to meth (same story, network, etc.) who went to prison for 3 years. He's clean now and tells me that the thing that woke him up is when he had no-one left and was left on his own with only God.

So, for me, that's where the 12 steps come in. When I realize MY life has become unmanageable and that I need to turn myself and my addict over to my HP, it becomes simpler. I have learned to trust that my niece's HP will provide the right mix of consequences to teach her (which may not happen in this lifetime) and that my HP has a purpose for my life - which I know is not following an addict around trying to control the uncontrollable. That leaves me free to do wholsome and productive things for myself and society (my job, family, mentor a 9 year old girl, etc.).

I hope this isn't too harsh to say, but I have watched my niece over the past 4.5 years (she's now 27) manipulate everyone around her. She tells men she loves them, sometimes several at a time. I have seen her lie to them on the phone telling them she has to do one thing and then leave to go see another guy. She has been "engaged" to several at a time and as soon as they run out of money or stop helping her, she dumps them and looks for another. I have tried to warn one of the guys she dated who genuinely seemed like a nice guy, but he didn't get it until she had ruined his credit and cheated on him repeatedly. It took him 3 years to figure it out - at least he went to therapy and now has better boundaries.

This is not to say your girlfriend is cheating on you, but the deeper the addiction, the worse the manipulation must be to support it. And if she's using - addiction being chronic and progressive, it will get worse until she stops. And she won't stop until she wants to. (you've heard that before, but its true)

And I suppose the last thing I'll share is this. My niece went to rehab, the workhouse and therapy and she was on probation for drug charges. She really got a second chance and all she had to do was stay law-abiding and she could have turned her life around. Instead, she was able to lie and manipulate me, her therapists, her probation officer, the judge, her employers, etc. for two years before it caught up to her. She now faces time in prison. All this time she was telling me one thing, but it just didn't add up. I feel like a fool because she would tell me how she was so busy and working so hard, but she didn't have a job, never completed her bankruptcy papers in 2 years, couldn't pay her own bills, etc. So - if things don't add up - with an addict you can pretty much bet the picture they are hiding is not pretty.

My hope for you is that you find the support YOU need to find peace and joy even in the sadness of this situation. If you don't go to family support groups, please give yourself that gift. There is also a cool site I used to help me sort out my own dysfunction called coping.org The section on control issues/detachment really helped.

Praying that you can let go and find people who can appreciate your unique gifts responsibly

IPT

Reality – thank, I needed to hear that.
Hope - Hit the nail on the head. She is seeking her moms approval/love. She left and was basically an absent parent to her a child. g/f realizes that she still is not a good mom and enables her drug addiction to boot. Like me I guess she struggles to let go. Imagine having to leave your drug using friends to get clean, but then those very people are also your family. A family you never really fit in with or felt accepted by. Though by being there for them, and doing drugs with them, you fit – even if for just a moment at a time.
Yes, she is crying out for help. She has taken some steps to. I just think what is required of her is just to much for her to shoulder. She is in counseling, but there are so many other resources she speaks about and knows of that she does not take advantage of.
Rozied – thank you, again 
Trouble – wow, thanks for taking the time for your post! I agree about the stages part. Thankfully I feel I am moving in the right direction overall. Generally feel happier lately. I am looking at my own reasons as well in counseling. She has been more honest in general lately. Expressing her feelings and fears. Doesn’t deny using, in part because of me no longer getting mad, giving her an excuse to disappear and use.
Not to harsh – I have considered that many times. Truth is most times she is not around and I look around she is at her moms. She has virtually no social network outside of her family. She also has very low self esteem and is not the socializing type. Though, you never really know…
Support for me, get it here, going to a meeting right now, and I will look at the website you provided me with.
Thank you all so much! Still open to more replies or any other new thoughts you all come up with. This helps me a lot