Doubt..........
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Doubt..........
I have it..... I have it so strong!
One thing that was so significant to me after my guy left I went to an al-anon room. After my empowering share of getting rid of the toxicity in my home - EVERY SINGLE share and I mean EVERY single one was about finding the serenity while still standing by their partner. I totally lost it..... I cried and cried and thought...... MY God what have I done?! If I had just not re-acted to it the night before (it was all very impulsive on both of our parts).... then I would have gone to my home group and heard a different message. Women were coming up to me and were not able to tell me if I had made the right decision or not - that it was MY decision.
Now that he is clean..... I am smart enough to know the difference between the "baby baby pleeeeeeeeeez come back" and if there is really intent on doing recovery. What Hope shared:
SPEAKS TO ME!
So we agreed on something.... we made a plan.
I don't know if it's the right plan. I don't know what the right answer is. I don't want to enable. I want to help though. I don't want to kick someone when they are down. i don't want to be a part of the problem..... I want to be a part of the solution.
I literally don't know what to do...... but then I again I do... because it's what I'm "doing"! My thoughts are just going round and round.
One thing that was so significant to me after my guy left I went to an al-anon room. After my empowering share of getting rid of the toxicity in my home - EVERY SINGLE share and I mean EVERY single one was about finding the serenity while still standing by their partner. I totally lost it..... I cried and cried and thought...... MY God what have I done?! If I had just not re-acted to it the night before (it was all very impulsive on both of our parts).... then I would have gone to my home group and heard a different message. Women were coming up to me and were not able to tell me if I had made the right decision or not - that it was MY decision.
Now that he is clean..... I am smart enough to know the difference between the "baby baby pleeeeeeeeeez come back" and if there is really intent on doing recovery. What Hope shared:
You really do not make a difference, you simply can't. What you can do is get out of the situation tho. I know it hurts and you feel responsible and everything but the truth is once an addict is back in addiction they see, think and feel nothing for you in their heart aside from when they are coming down and remourseful for maybe a day or so until the next time they get high.
So we agreed on something.... we made a plan.
I don't know if it's the right plan. I don't know what the right answer is. I don't want to enable. I want to help though. I don't want to kick someone when they are down. i don't want to be a part of the problem..... I want to be a part of the solution.
I literally don't know what to do...... but then I again I do... because it's what I'm "doing"! My thoughts are just going round and round.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Abs - I'm right there with you. My guy is clean also (I'll never say this with 100% certainty ever with ah - but he is waaay different now). He has been very emotional lately. Feeling, crying, sharing, crying, apologetic, crying, wanting to undo, crying etc. It's as if he is feeling for the first time in years. It's as if he's seeing for the first time in years. The pathetic thing about it is that he's ashamed of crying. I'm like WTF??? After EVERYTHING you've done and you're worried about CRYING for petes sake? That means you have a heart again, you have a soul again, you feel again!
As for me - well I don't have it in me to go down that road with him again. I don't think that I have the energy to trust him again. I want to build my life on rock from here on out, not sand. I built an empire (well, not really an empire, but it is to me
) on sand and now it's laying in pieces all around me. If you remember he's done this to me for years and years and years. It all happened very slow, very gradual. So slow that I wasn't able to distinguish sobriety from addiction.
You sould like you're finding your way, but you also sound very uncertain and as if you're floundering alot in your thinking - completely understandable GF. BUT I see the answers coming to you - you're finding them. My ONLY advice would be to do this by YOURSELF. Find your answers by YOURSELF WITHOUT him - at least FOR NOW. Incorporating him back into your life right now will just make you unstable. Get your footing, get your bearings before you do anything. Not saying he can't come back ever, but put some time between this and find YOUR recovery so if you do have him come back at some point that you are strong enough to do whatever you need to do. Hopefully this doesn't offend, just givin' it to ya straight - just like I'd want it given to me. Chin up girlie.
OK - edited to add, are you thinking about taking him back right now?? I'm confused but will leave my original post.
As for me - well I don't have it in me to go down that road with him again. I don't think that I have the energy to trust him again. I want to build my life on rock from here on out, not sand. I built an empire (well, not really an empire, but it is to me
) on sand and now it's laying in pieces all around me. If you remember he's done this to me for years and years and years. It all happened very slow, very gradual. So slow that I wasn't able to distinguish sobriety from addiction. You sould like you're finding your way, but you also sound very uncertain and as if you're floundering alot in your thinking - completely understandable GF. BUT I see the answers coming to you - you're finding them. My ONLY advice would be to do this by YOURSELF. Find your answers by YOURSELF WITHOUT him - at least FOR NOW. Incorporating him back into your life right now will just make you unstable. Get your footing, get your bearings before you do anything. Not saying he can't come back ever, but put some time between this and find YOUR recovery so if you do have him come back at some point that you are strong enough to do whatever you need to do. Hopefully this doesn't offend, just givin' it to ya straight - just like I'd want it given to me. Chin up girlie.
OK - edited to add, are you thinking about taking him back right now?? I'm confused but will leave my original post.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Boys are with their dad this weekend..... (weekends got moved around thursday night)..... and my guy came down from the mountains last night. We talked a ton last night. he has changed both his phone numbers, cleared his connects out and today we went to an al-anon meeting together and he got a sponsor there that is a double winner. *Also a mental health counselor.
He is also going to talk with my parents today.
We are talking a ton about things ... and he wants this.... he wants recovery... he doesn't want to use. It's just been the flight system he has used to run to for his emotional pain. etc etc.
Last night, I was acting as a substance abuse counselor... we read together... we shared... we cried... we both want this.... obviously I do... and he does too. But he is scared without the support. SLE - he won't do it. Okay okay - i know i'm not an SA counselor, but I genuinely enjoy learning / teaching about it.... it speaks to me ... if I could do it for a career. I would. But I can't because I'm not an addict.
I just will NOT have addiction in the home. END of story. So - he is clean now... not using..... now what? I will not have lies..... he is not lying. So now what?
I don't want to act on impulsion. It only gets me into trouble. The gal that he is staying with is in and out of recovery..... and it's only drug friends he has right now. He does have friends in recovery, but not able to stay with them. His parents live back east.
I have to think about myself and what I want. What am I able to live with? There is still so much uncertainty. And then I think about when / if he leaves tonight/tomorrow...... where he is going to go- probably the mountains. He feels abandoned by me then. How have I not had my fill enough yet? But how do I know for sure that it really is going to be different this time? I don't. And he isn't promising that it is...... but he is saying that he is taking the right steps so it does not happen. What more could I ask than that?
He is also going to talk with my parents today.
We are talking a ton about things ... and he wants this.... he wants recovery... he doesn't want to use. It's just been the flight system he has used to run to for his emotional pain. etc etc.
Last night, I was acting as a substance abuse counselor... we read together... we shared... we cried... we both want this.... obviously I do... and he does too. But he is scared without the support. SLE - he won't do it. Okay okay - i know i'm not an SA counselor, but I genuinely enjoy learning / teaching about it.... it speaks to me ... if I could do it for a career. I would. But I can't because I'm not an addict.
I just will NOT have addiction in the home. END of story. So - he is clean now... not using..... now what? I will not have lies..... he is not lying. So now what?
I don't want to act on impulsion. It only gets me into trouble. The gal that he is staying with is in and out of recovery..... and it's only drug friends he has right now. He does have friends in recovery, but not able to stay with them. His parents live back east.
I have to think about myself and what I want. What am I able to live with? There is still so much uncertainty. And then I think about when / if he leaves tonight/tomorrow...... where he is going to go- probably the mountains. He feels abandoned by me then. How have I not had my fill enough yet? But how do I know for sure that it really is going to be different this time? I don't. And he isn't promising that it is...... but he is saying that he is taking the right steps so it does not happen. What more could I ask than that?
Last edited by Abundance; 08-23-2008 at 04:08 PM.
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Posts: 1,287
((Abundance)) I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Totally understand the "going round and round" part. To me, its like I'm trying to make an impossible situation possible, and it just doesn't work, and I never feel good about the things I do or the decisions I make. It's like I'm in "limbo" all the time.
When you mentioned not knowing what to do, but knowing because you're doing it......this is important because you are taking things one day at a time-- and that's OK. You are doing the best you can in your given circumstances. It's not easy, but I believe if you keep doing the best for you, you are doing exactly what you need to do. We can't tell where things are leading us, but if we stay true to ourselves, I don't think we can go wrong in the long run.
There are women in my group who share this kind of story every week. It always makes me a little uneasy. And I always wonder if they have regrets or if they had it to "do over again" would they make the same choice. I know they made their decision to stay and are thankful for where they are now in recovery, even though they admit it was hard, but I don't have it in me to live like this -- not with active addiction. If my AH found recovery again and kept it, great for him, but in the mean time, how many more years of my life am I willing to wait for that? One woman, who has been there for a long time, told me they suggest not to move out/make a decision for a year. All I could think was.... A YEAR! I've already been living with it for many years.
What hope said reminded me of what Tazman told someone in the F&F of Alcoholics forum. I saved it because I need to remind myself of how many times I've heard the promises AND had them broken.
Not trying to say I don't think your guy means what he says, making him move out was a consequence, just that I think its important to remember to keep your guard up, and watch for actions.
Obviously, I don't know what the right answer is either, but I do know that you are not "kicking him while he's down." He is kicking himself.
Hugs--
When you mentioned not knowing what to do, but knowing because you're doing it......this is important because you are taking things one day at a time-- and that's OK. You are doing the best you can in your given circumstances. It's not easy, but I believe if you keep doing the best for you, you are doing exactly what you need to do. We can't tell where things are leading us, but if we stay true to ourselves, I don't think we can go wrong in the long run.
Originally Posted by Abundance 
........After my empowering share of getting rid of the toxicity in my home - EVERY SINGLE share and I mean EVERY single one was about finding the serenity while still standing by their partner.
What hope said reminded me of what Tazman told someone in the F&F of Alcoholics forum. I saved it because I need to remind myself of how many times I've heard the promises AND had them broken.
...speaking from the alcoholics side of the fence, as long as you tolerate me or my behaviour in any manner I am in charge, I have you right where I want you, I behave a few days lulling you into the feeling of "Maybe this time?" The hook is now set once again, you have it hook line and sinker!!!! I am okay, I still have a roof over my head and a place to live, I do what I want with no real consequences.
Obviously, I don't know what the right answer is either, but I do know that you are not "kicking him while he's down." He is kicking himself.
Hugs--
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Join Date: Oct 2002
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Abundance,
The other night at our meeting we were talking about feeling like we always need TO DO SOMETHING...take some kind of action, say something, do something, tell them this, decide that, do something right now. But then we reminded ourselves that there is a page in the One Day at a Time book that says "doing nothing is doing something." That makes such sense to me, the codie who always had to do something, had to react, had to say something because, after all, if I didn't, something might happen. HECK, IT WAS HAPPENING ANYWAY!
My point...
.... your HP has you right where you need to be today. No looking back. No 2nd guessing. No over analyzing. It'll drive you nuts. Try to realize that you and your guy are in your HP's hands and He has the plan. As long as you keep trying to work this program, one day at a time, or more like one hour at a time some days, then you're on the right track.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
The other night at our meeting we were talking about feeling like we always need TO DO SOMETHING...take some kind of action, say something, do something, tell them this, decide that, do something right now. But then we reminded ourselves that there is a page in the One Day at a Time book that says "doing nothing is doing something." That makes such sense to me, the codie who always had to do something, had to react, had to say something because, after all, if I didn't, something might happen. HECK, IT WAS HAPPENING ANYWAY!
My point...
.... your HP has you right where you need to be today. No looking back. No 2nd guessing. No over analyzing. It'll drive you nuts. Try to realize that you and your guy are in your HP's hands and He has the plan. As long as you keep trying to work this program, one day at a time, or more like one hour at a time some days, then you're on the right track. Hugs,
Hangin' In
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Abundance,
Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you. I couldn't stay away from my addict as he limped into not using so I understand all of your confusion. I must have walked away umpteen times. I became obsessed with learning about addiction. And to be truthful, it really did help me a lot. I made a pact with myself....if I was going to continue with him then I was going to insist on my intense participation with my own program. I also got into group and individual counselling. I have kept my head above water for the most part over the last 3 years. There are so many times that I have felt like it wasn't worth it but I also now see that the events of this time are what I needed to produce my own healing. I would not have done what I've needed to do if it weren't for how drastic, dire, and painful this experience has been. What I have now is a sober relationship except for when we go on our emotional drunks. My program is what helps me return to sobriety faster than I use to.
I just wasn't going to do it any other way. My addict knew that sobriety for him had to be in a controlled environment and he talked his way into the Donna Lightseeker 1/2 way home for wayward crack addicts. Silver tongued addict that he was. He has stayed sober and I do believe that the support that he received early on made a difference for him. However, he wanted it. He was done and had wanted to be done for a long time. He knew that he was at the end of the road and set it up in all the ways that he knew that he would need to do to get it. Got to hand it to him.
I feel like I am beginning to finally grow up and know who I am. I guess that I am saying that I understand the need to do whatever it is you need to do. It's what I had to do for me. I have my bottom lines - the main one being no active addiction. I don't trust him so much because he hasn't gotten that down so well. At least now, he leans to dishonesty on much smaller issues - not cheating and drugging. I trust myself so the worry doesn't eat my lunch like it use to. I count on me and HP and that's about it.
Continue taking care of yourself. I always make better decisions when my self-care is good and my meeting going is consistant.
Love you!
Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you. I couldn't stay away from my addict as he limped into not using so I understand all of your confusion. I must have walked away umpteen times. I became obsessed with learning about addiction. And to be truthful, it really did help me a lot. I made a pact with myself....if I was going to continue with him then I was going to insist on my intense participation with my own program. I also got into group and individual counselling. I have kept my head above water for the most part over the last 3 years. There are so many times that I have felt like it wasn't worth it but I also now see that the events of this time are what I needed to produce my own healing. I would not have done what I've needed to do if it weren't for how drastic, dire, and painful this experience has been. What I have now is a sober relationship except for when we go on our emotional drunks. My program is what helps me return to sobriety faster than I use to.
I just wasn't going to do it any other way. My addict knew that sobriety for him had to be in a controlled environment and he talked his way into the Donna Lightseeker 1/2 way home for wayward crack addicts. Silver tongued addict that he was. He has stayed sober and I do believe that the support that he received early on made a difference for him. However, he wanted it. He was done and had wanted to be done for a long time. He knew that he was at the end of the road and set it up in all the ways that he knew that he would need to do to get it. Got to hand it to him.
I feel like I am beginning to finally grow up and know who I am. I guess that I am saying that I understand the need to do whatever it is you need to do. It's what I had to do for me. I have my bottom lines - the main one being no active addiction. I don't trust him so much because he hasn't gotten that down so well. At least now, he leans to dishonesty on much smaller issues - not cheating and drugging. I trust myself so the worry doesn't eat my lunch like it use to. I count on me and HP and that's about it.
Continue taking care of yourself. I always make better decisions when my self-care is good and my meeting going is consistant.
Love you!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
The amazement I feel from my HP.... the strength..... to look at it for what it really is - not as it should be.
Last night we formulated a plan ... steps/consequences that are to happen in default should another relapse occur. This plan was put together recognizing the emotional pain, but also understanding it's principle over personality. The power in setting rules and abiding by them. These rules/boundaries have been put into place to protect us from cutting off our nose to spite our face. 3 rules have been set into place:
The ultimate goal ... to ask for permission - not forgiveness.
But if that does not happen here are the consequences:
1. Come to me and tell me you have relapsed. AND LEAVE THE HOUSE - DO NOT COME HOME. If I am fought on this - I will take measures accordingly if is not followed through. NO ACTIVE ADDICTION in the home period. Once ready to begin the recovery process again - it means that even more rules are put into place to strengthen recovery. If that is not happening, then don't even bother coming home.
Rules of recovery.
Dice rolled each morning ... if it lands on 3.... then UA test is performed. This happens daily for the first month... then will start to taper down to doing it weekly. But it is part of the program in the home.
There are other rules.... they are ones that he has made to keep him confined to his recovery... to help him every way that is possible. Hopefully, over time he will find the confidence in himself to not have such rules, but right now we are in crisis mode. This is what he has asked for.....
I know he has to do this all himself... etc... but this is enabling recovery in the home.... and if he builds resentments towards me about this - good thing the steps will bring him through it. ME TOO!!!
It's not anymore about what we are going to do, but what we are doing! Understanding PAWS and the Flare UPs... me having knowledge of these and being one of the people who can point out that blind spot. Doing so not from a place of frustration - but from a place of sticking with the plan of recovery.
What am I doing?
I'm working my recovery! Staying in today..... recognizing emotional drunks ... working on my character defects. Keeping it real. Recognizing..... H.A.L.T. ..... these are all factors in irrational and rational decision making. Kind of like making huge decisions while pmsing or in pregnancy. That truly needs to be taken into account for myself. My emotional instability with all of this.
Journaling about what is going on with me... LOOKING at MYSELF before casting another. While having a default back up plan in times of that emotional drunk to get back on track.
I have witnessed a full on cycle now from addiction to recovery to relapse..... and seeing the triggers in the relapse on both of our parts. We both have desire and determination and now it's time to give the discipline and the dedication to the bottom line, which IS RECOVERY. Always recovery. Not giving power to the addiction, but to recovery!
We achieved conflict resolution.... the pink cloud has gone away .... this is serious business. The FACT that we are powerless over this addiction... our power lies within what we can do to overcome it. We find those tools in the 12 steps. A blueprint for our life to come. Giving it all to our HP!
I am in the moment.... and taking action.
NO LONGER ANYMORE DOUBT (for today). My HP has the plan and is giving me the strength to work the plan.
Something that can help me... like for the addict.
Addict: Use tomorrow, but today do not pick up - tomorrow you can. Repeat daily.
Codie/me: Emotions rule tomorrow, but today do not go there, tomorrow I can. Repeat daily.
Last night we formulated a plan ... steps/consequences that are to happen in default should another relapse occur. This plan was put together recognizing the emotional pain, but also understanding it's principle over personality. The power in setting rules and abiding by them. These rules/boundaries have been put into place to protect us from cutting off our nose to spite our face. 3 rules have been set into place:
The ultimate goal ... to ask for permission - not forgiveness.
But if that does not happen here are the consequences:
1. Come to me and tell me you have relapsed. AND LEAVE THE HOUSE - DO NOT COME HOME. If I am fought on this - I will take measures accordingly if is not followed through. NO ACTIVE ADDICTION in the home period. Once ready to begin the recovery process again - it means that even more rules are put into place to strengthen recovery. If that is not happening, then don't even bother coming home.
Rules of recovery.
Dice rolled each morning ... if it lands on 3.... then UA test is performed. This happens daily for the first month... then will start to taper down to doing it weekly. But it is part of the program in the home.
There are other rules.... they are ones that he has made to keep him confined to his recovery... to help him every way that is possible. Hopefully, over time he will find the confidence in himself to not have such rules, but right now we are in crisis mode. This is what he has asked for.....
I know he has to do this all himself... etc... but this is enabling recovery in the home.... and if he builds resentments towards me about this - good thing the steps will bring him through it. ME TOO!!!
It's not anymore about what we are going to do, but what we are doing! Understanding PAWS and the Flare UPs... me having knowledge of these and being one of the people who can point out that blind spot. Doing so not from a place of frustration - but from a place of sticking with the plan of recovery.
What am I doing?
I'm working my recovery! Staying in today..... recognizing emotional drunks ... working on my character defects. Keeping it real. Recognizing..... H.A.L.T. ..... these are all factors in irrational and rational decision making. Kind of like making huge decisions while pmsing or in pregnancy. That truly needs to be taken into account for myself. My emotional instability with all of this.
Journaling about what is going on with me... LOOKING at MYSELF before casting another. While having a default back up plan in times of that emotional drunk to get back on track.
I have witnessed a full on cycle now from addiction to recovery to relapse..... and seeing the triggers in the relapse on both of our parts. We both have desire and determination and now it's time to give the discipline and the dedication to the bottom line, which IS RECOVERY. Always recovery. Not giving power to the addiction, but to recovery!
We achieved conflict resolution.... the pink cloud has gone away .... this is serious business. The FACT that we are powerless over this addiction... our power lies within what we can do to overcome it. We find those tools in the 12 steps. A blueprint for our life to come. Giving it all to our HP!
I am in the moment.... and taking action.
NO LONGER ANYMORE DOUBT (for today). My HP has the plan and is giving me the strength to work the plan.
Something that can help me... like for the addict.
Addict: Use tomorrow, but today do not pick up - tomorrow you can. Repeat daily.
Codie/me: Emotions rule tomorrow, but today do not go there, tomorrow I can. Repeat daily.
Last edited by Abundance; 08-24-2008 at 04:27 PM.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Ohio
Posts: 233
Abundance, you seem to be just working through this like all of us have. If you aren't done yet then you just aren't. I did the same types of things and I ran a halfway house just like Donna. I learned alot about addiction, which was good. I was the bestfriend and councelor and all that. It seemed to go great when he was wanting to be in recovery but then I became the enemy when he was using. I worked more on him than I did myself. I think its normal to use trial and error in recovery....I am very hard-headed and like to get what I want so letting go of control wasn't easy. That caused me alot of pain. The life lesson I learned made it worth it in the end...really. My exah went through several rehab programs and they all tried to inform me that I was as sick as he is...I heard it but didn't really believe it. Donna is right, keep taking care of you first and your decsions will become clearer. Hugs.
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
sounds like you guys are crafting an agreement together which is similar to what we did. RAH laid it out what it was going to take for him to stay sober. Guess that he tried it 50 million different ways before this last time. He said that he needed random drug testing and I agreed to help him with that (actually caught a lot of flack here about that but it definitely did work for him/us) because doing it through a lab was so expensive. I did tell him that the first time that I caught an attitude from it about it that I was done. A man that worked at a lab felt sorry for me and told me how to randomize tests. Send me a note if you are interested in what he said. We did that for a year and we haven't done it since then although the tests are still in the closet if need be. We chose to do it together. Truthfully, I doubt (and RAH doubts) that he could have done it any other way .....HP knows that he tried. I honestly have worked harder on my recovery than I have this relationship. We knew not to try and work on any relationship issues for the first year. It's been a whole lot harder than I ever would have expected but it was where I was at the time and what I needed to keep me on my path.
No room for pink clouds....I had to get out of his program and completely into mine. I definitely have learned that I was (am) every bit as sick as him and maybe even more so. I mean - I can understand using crack a whole lot better than I can me allowing a man with no clean time to move into my house with me and my sons. RAH has not relapsed during this time. He was committed to complete sobriety (no alcohol/pot, etc) and so far so good. I honestly do not worry any more about him relapsing. I mean he certainly might but I'm not all torn up and on edge about it. It took about a year for me to take a deep breath - I was constantly on guard even though I did not conciously know it.
There are people that get sober - it's when they are finally done. I finally took the steps to get emotionally sober because I was finally done. I'm glad that I held myself so accountable. Having a sponsor really helped - at least try and get a an on-line one if nothing else. If he does relapse know that it is the disease and has nothing to do with you or his feeling for you. I refused to get in a battle against his addiction. I would support him but not anything more.
I so understand doing whatever it is that you have to do. The nice thing is that no matter what happens we are here for you no matter what your choices are. I definitely am here for you when you need it.
Take care
No room for pink clouds....I had to get out of his program and completely into mine. I definitely have learned that I was (am) every bit as sick as him and maybe even more so. I mean - I can understand using crack a whole lot better than I can me allowing a man with no clean time to move into my house with me and my sons. RAH has not relapsed during this time. He was committed to complete sobriety (no alcohol/pot, etc) and so far so good. I honestly do not worry any more about him relapsing. I mean he certainly might but I'm not all torn up and on edge about it. It took about a year for me to take a deep breath - I was constantly on guard even though I did not conciously know it.
There are people that get sober - it's when they are finally done. I finally took the steps to get emotionally sober because I was finally done. I'm glad that I held myself so accountable. Having a sponsor really helped - at least try and get a an on-line one if nothing else. If he does relapse know that it is the disease and has nothing to do with you or his feeling for you. I refused to get in a battle against his addiction. I would support him but not anything more.
I so understand doing whatever it is that you have to do. The nice thing is that no matter what happens we are here for you no matter what your choices are. I definitely am here for you when you need it.
Take care
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Posts: 1,307
Callie - Truth - Hangin' In - Light Seeker.......... your replies are golden and they speak to me. Callie - You have stood by your husband for many years... and you are amazing. There truly isn't a wrong or right answer ... it's what you feel inside of you. I am quick to run... I can't stand arguing or feeling resentment or hate or anger... I'd rather run and push it away than have to deal with it. My way of dealing is by saying..... GET AWAY FROM ME. I am OVER IT. But then all of my life... at the end of the day, my level of compassion over rides all of it... until I can no-more. It will or it won't happen with me and my guy. I'm not going to hold myself or this relationship hostage in the event that that would happen or not. I've made a promise to myself to not even go there with that. There is a default crisis plan should it arise.... and I will reference that. Which I did NOT have in place ... it was not solid or made with such conviction.
Truth...... I couldn't live with active addiction for 6 flipping days! A year? NOWAY! So... bottom line - the rule is recovery. He can always come back if he is in recovery. He now can play the whole tape through.. knowing all of the consequences do come back larger and FASTER with relapse. He has experienced that.... and believe me..... I think he knows (as so do I)... he does it again- those consequences are going to be just as bad if not worse. Things did change when he relapsed. His list of consequences in doing so are a ton! He went over them all last night. He is screwed even more so if he does it again....... and he'll get over them (hopefully)...... but one thing is for certain....... he will not be here in this sanctuary...... this home is not capable of having active addiction. I have an allergic reaction to it... and just as we have to put the oxygen mask on ourselves in a plane crisis before the kids..... I have to do the same when it comes to active addiction being in the home.
Hangin' In...... absolutely.... I feel that one day at a time ... doing nothing is doing something is so true. Especially in a HALT situation or an emotionally drunk one. A few days ago .... i got emotionally drunk.... and started making decisions. Last night.... I stepped out emotionally.
Donna.... I relate to you like mad! You are such a gift. Every word you said I feel and resonate with. Thank you.
Ladybugg.... *I* represent sobriety - honesty - truth... I am the opposite of that dragon that lies within him. I have no expectations except to keep my side of the street clean.
Truth...... I couldn't live with active addiction for 6 flipping days! A year? NOWAY! So... bottom line - the rule is recovery. He can always come back if he is in recovery. He now can play the whole tape through.. knowing all of the consequences do come back larger and FASTER with relapse. He has experienced that.... and believe me..... I think he knows (as so do I)... he does it again- those consequences are going to be just as bad if not worse. Things did change when he relapsed. His list of consequences in doing so are a ton! He went over them all last night. He is screwed even more so if he does it again....... and he'll get over them (hopefully)...... but one thing is for certain....... he will not be here in this sanctuary...... this home is not capable of having active addiction. I have an allergic reaction to it... and just as we have to put the oxygen mask on ourselves in a plane crisis before the kids..... I have to do the same when it comes to active addiction being in the home.
Hangin' In...... absolutely.... I feel that one day at a time ... doing nothing is doing something is so true. Especially in a HALT situation or an emotionally drunk one. A few days ago .... i got emotionally drunk.... and started making decisions. Last night.... I stepped out emotionally.
Donna.... I relate to you like mad! You are such a gift. Every word you said I feel and resonate with. Thank you.
Ladybugg.... *I* represent sobriety - honesty - truth... I am the opposite of that dragon that lies within him. I have no expectations except to keep my side of the street clean.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Donna..... I am so in your shadow! He is the laying all these rules out.... and he is requesting me to to assist in him doing them. We both know that this is against the rules of codie/al-anon........ but I'm taking what I need and leaving the rest. Bottom line- it will work or it won't. And if active addiction comes into play - I know my boundary and so does he.
Exactly no room for pink cloud.... done with observing and hoping..... if he is asking me for help and what he needs...... YOU BET... lets give it a shot!
We are also attending al-anon together.... he is supporting me as well.
Exactly no room for pink cloud.... done with observing and hoping..... if he is asking me for help and what he needs...... YOU BET... lets give it a shot!
We are also attending al-anon together.... he is supporting me as well.
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
sounds good to me and you sound level headed. I've yet to meet an addict or alcholic that didn't need alanon too so it's all good!
Listen, it can be done. It ain't no easy road but you know that. For me, it's probably been easier to do it this way than it would have been for me to walked away. We are all different and I just had to play it out.
Let me know how I can ever be of help to you. I'm always hear just to listen.
Listen, it can be done. It ain't no easy road but you know that. For me, it's probably been easier to do it this way than it would have been for me to walked away. We are all different and I just had to play it out.
Let me know how I can ever be of help to you. I'm always hear just to listen.
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