How to deal with a meddeling MIL...
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Since I'm not familiar with your situation, you may already do this, but, if it were me I'd get some counseling for ME. I'd just talk to someone to help me deal with the issues I'm facing and get suggestions and support.
The best to you, KariSue
The best to you, KariSue
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Join Date: May 2008
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Thank you everybody for talking me down yesterday. I for whatever reason never thought to "detach". My thoughts were "stand up". I woke up this morning and felt peace to just let it go. As long as she's civil to me and good to the kids I will do my best to step back and not engage in her drama. I do still care about her and I know she does me. I never really realized how deep this addiction runs - not HIS addiction but MY addiction to ALL of this. I just keep trying to fix, fix, fix - fight, fight, fight. Not just the injustices of HIS addiction but HER addiction as well. Thank you SR for once again setting me straight. 
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I've printed out multiple things from here - she read about 1/2 of them, but she'll just never get it. She is not a reader at all unless it is the enquirer, globe or other gossip mag's. In her eyes, AH is the one thing she did "right" in this life. He is her "golden child". Which is fine, I would never want to take that away, but lets at least face the reality of the situation - kwim? AH has been having a very hard time the last few days. He's been in tears alot over all of this. Her hammering him about his actions and hammering him about me isn't helping. She's snooping, listening in on conversations etc. She means well, but he's just really struggling with everything. It's as if he's *just* now starting to *get* the devastation that he's caused an entire family.
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Also, we somewhat agreed that he would not tell me what she's saying. He's going to deal with it. If he sticks up for me, fine (which I know he would for the most part). If he doesn't that's fine too, but at least I don't have to be involved in that drama anymore. In reality I'd suspected she was talking smack. I asked and he didn't want to tell me, but did give me enough bits and pieces to send me overboard with anger for a few days. I said I would not contact her for now and keep conversations with her if they happen to a minimum. For now, I think that is the best.
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Will this never end?? I just found out that MIL is now telling AH's family that "I" won't let AH see the kids. So now EVERYONE is saying "that's not right, yada yada yada". I so am about to come unglued with all of this. His family has no CLUE about any of this and have NO RIGHT judging a decision that AH and I made TOGETHER. IT's one thing to say that to AH but to be spreading things about me that aren't true??? AH is only sinking further into his depression about everything. I on the other hand am bouncing off the walls with anger. AH just says "call her, you two need to deal with this. I can't. I don't want this for you two." I will just say that for right now it is in her best interest to NOT talk to me because I am so steaming mad that someone would throw this on both AH and I when it's everything that I can do to keep my head above h20 with my kids and I. Any suggestions?? Let it go?? I don't know that I can do that if she's the origin of the rumors that I are rampantly being spread about me. Thanks for reading.
Last edited by Callie; 08-26-2008 at 09:59 AM.
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Not AH - AH's dad said his sister (ah's aunt) was saying it's not fair that Callie won't let AH see the kids. AH's dad said "Callie is doing the right thing and what's best for the kids." AH's dad had no idea that his xw (ah's mom) was or would say things bad about me. He heard how much I was upset when he told me and was apologizing profusely - he kind of opened his mouth before he meant too I think. He lives 8 states away and has no idea the extent of the drama building here.
Edited to add...Alot of his family LIVES for this kind of drama. His very own family will be the ones to tear him down with all of this gossip. From their perspective (not his mom or dad so much) he has come the farthest in his life than any of them and they will eat it up that he's "failed". Sad, but it's a sick situation all around. They LOVE that he's failed, but they'll attack me instead of directly going after one of their own. They'll do that behind his back, but support him to his face. Same thing his mom has been doing to me, nice to my face, not so nice behind my back.
Edited to add...Alot of his family LIVES for this kind of drama. His very own family will be the ones to tear him down with all of this gossip. From their perspective (not his mom or dad so much) he has come the farthest in his life than any of them and they will eat it up that he's "failed". Sad, but it's a sick situation all around. They LOVE that he's failed, but they'll attack me instead of directly going after one of their own. They'll do that behind his back, but support him to his face. Same thing his mom has been doing to me, nice to my face, not so nice behind my back.
Last edited by Callie; 08-26-2008 at 10:43 AM.
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People are going to judge you, fair or unfair. Someone here has a signature that says "What others think of me is none of my business." You can't change or stop what others are thinking. You have no control over your MIL.
You can let it go or you can fuel the fire.
You can let it go or you can fuel the fire.
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Did your AH ever detox from the drugs? Because if he didn't, I don't see a problem with NOT letting him see the kids.
What's wrong with drawing a boundary that states "I will NOT let my children be around someone who is on drugs?" and enforcing it.
And if your MIL or his family doesn't like it, then that's their problem!
Does it really matter what other people think when it comes to the well-being of your children?
Detach.
What's wrong with drawing a boundary that states "I will NOT let my children be around someone who is on drugs?" and enforcing it.
And if your MIL or his family doesn't like it, then that's their problem!
Does it really matter what other people think when it comes to the well-being of your children?
Detach.
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But Chino - cant ya just unleash me and let me speak my peace to her?? Just once?? J/K - it's so very heard to let it go - especially when it's a direct attack. And it's not really "others" it's just his family and their twisted way of thinking that makes it hard to lay down and just take this - or walk away from this.
J/K - it's so very heard to let it go - especially when it's a direct attack. And it's not really "others" it's just his family and their twisted way of thinking that makes it hard to lay down and just take this - or walk away from this.
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HK - I *think* that he's detoxed, but I'll be the first to not trust my judgement on that topic EVER. The thing with the kids is that he was kicked out of rehab after 8 days (for drug use) is suppose to go back. The kids know dad is away for a while working on his problems. He was gone for 1.5 weeks and is now all of the sudden back and then gone again for 28 days? We BOTH decided it's best for them. He talks to them every day or other day and they are fine with things. They just started school, they're 7, they don't understand and I don't want them thinking daddy's gone, daddy's back again, daddy's leaving again, where is daddy? Will daddy be back for my birthday (October)?. We BOTH just want to have some answers about his situation before we tell them anything concrete.
That on top of the fact that the kids came home from their first few days of school and had to introduce themselves, tell their parents names and what they do. Well, AH no longer does what he's done for 19 years. I just don't want to tell them something at this point without a backup plan in place. Such as "daddy doesn't work at x anymore he's taking a new job at y". I don't know - maybe I'm trying too hard to protect them and maybe they need to know more of the reality of it.
I guess the point of this post is that I don't need MIL running her mouth about me when AH and I are trying our best to make this twisted messed up situation the most healthy for the kids.
That on top of the fact that the kids came home from their first few days of school and had to introduce themselves, tell their parents names and what they do. Well, AH no longer does what he's done for 19 years. I just don't want to tell them something at this point without a backup plan in place. Such as "daddy doesn't work at x anymore he's taking a new job at y". I don't know - maybe I'm trying too hard to protect them and maybe they need to know more of the reality of it.
I guess the point of this post is that I don't need MIL running her mouth about me when AH and I are trying our best to make this twisted messed up situation the most healthy for the kids.
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I *think* that he's detoxed,
You'd know about it.
(hugs). You DON'T need her running her mouth. Here you are doing the best for your children that you can and she should just stop making things worse. Not fair. Not fair. She should be supporting you instead of criticizing you. It's unfortunate.
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Callie, you're PO'd and I'm sure we all understand why. My sister and her ex, the father of their children, are going through some nasty custody issues right now. I haven't talked to my sister for over two years because of stuff like yours and worse. Her ex is in a lot of pain and I just listen when he needs to vent. She's said and still says nasty stuff about me and it rolls off my back now.
It's because of learning to detach that I'm able to do that. Trust me on this one -- when you learn to detach from your husbands addiction, all the rest of the stuff will be a walk in the park.
It's because of learning to detach that I'm able to do that. Trust me on this one -- when you learn to detach from your husbands addiction, all the rest of the stuff will be a walk in the park.
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I guess the hardest thing is that I love/loved her. She's been in my life for 21 years and always respected my judgements/AH's judgements on ALL accounts. For her to turn on not only me, but AH as well just for the sake of "gossip" or to get sympathy or to make it about her and her feelings - when there is NO time for feelings right now when we are all in fight or flight mode ... It's just hard to not retaliate.
In reality, the figher in me will probably have to speak my peace just once to let it go (sorry Chino - I'm too much of a fighter ). The saddest thing is that the kids are at the core of it and if she can do this to ah and to me - if she can put us BOTH in this turmoil, she can do it to them and I absolutely will not have that. I've been in waivering between tears and anger all day. Just so sad that she has to put this burden on top of everything else.
BTW - AH did confront her and she blamed it on AH's dad for getting that info to me- her xh. Yes that's where it came from, (but again he's 8 states away and has NO clue about the daily goings on around here with ah.) but she knew that because she followed up on the seeds of gossip that SHE put out into the world. Making it seem like she's badmouthing me, but in reality she's hurting her own son and grandkids more than me. Thanks for being there guys.
In reality, the figher in me will probably have to speak my peace just once to let it go (sorry Chino - I'm too much of a fighter
). The saddest thing is that the kids are at the core of it and if she can do this to ah and to me - if she can put us BOTH in this turmoil, she can do it to them and I absolutely will not have that. I've been in waivering between tears and anger all day. Just so sad that she has to put this burden on top of everything else.BTW - AH did confront her and she blamed it on AH's dad for getting that info to me- her xh. Yes that's where it came from, (but again he's 8 states away and has NO clue about the daily goings on around here with ah.) but she knew that because she followed up on the seeds of gossip that SHE put out into the world. Making it seem like she's badmouthing me, but in reality she's hurting her own son and grandkids more than me. Thanks for being there guys.
Last edited by Callie; 08-26-2008 at 11:56 AM.
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Thanks Chino - Freeze is what I tell my soccer team when I want them to stop and look around at their positions and where they SHOULD be but are not - it's where I correct them on the basic's of the game. They LOVE it when I do that and they really do freeze in their positions! Oh how I wish I were 7 or 8 again so I really could freeze. It's just so flipping hard to stay out of my "lane" - kwim?
On top of that my MIL keeps saying "but I didn't mean it like that". "I love callie" - yet she repeats the same gossip over and over and over again. If you say it once it can be forgiven as a mistake. If you say it 10x after you've been told over and over it's not a mistake any longer.
Ok guys - I can probably promise you that I will have it out with her at least once - because that's just me. Beyond that, I may not "freeze", but I promise to try to at least be a "slush" instead of a frozen solid popsicle. k??
On top of that my MIL keeps saying "but I didn't mean it like that". "I love callie" - yet she repeats the same gossip over and over and over again. If you say it once it can be forgiven as a mistake. If you say it 10x after you've been told over and over it's not a mistake any longer.
Ok guys - I can probably promise you that I will have it out with her at least once - because that's just me
. Beyond that, I may not "freeze", but I promise to try to at least be a "slush" instead of a frozen solid popsicle. k?? Member
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Callie,
There you are!
I'm so glad you hooked up with some of the codie folks, that's great for you to do for your own recovery. Us addicts can't really help with the codie stuff too much.
But we can keep it real for you, you know that we do that once we are in recovery:
I just have to say it--IMO, he's not detoxed, and you and MIL are both doing the codie dance. You're both covering, trying to maintain an impossible status quo. Things are not status quo any more, honey. They will never be the way they were (at least the way you thought they were) ever again. Don't hate me for saying that, please.
Change is inevitable, and not necessarily bad. You're a great mom. Your marriage, though not over yet (and may work out somehow, if he gets it in recovery), has changed a lot and forever. Different, not good or bad, just different.
It is impossible to protect your kids from every bit of fallout that comes from their father's addiction and your subsequent separation. It would be easier to deal with the reality of it with them at least a little at a time. Give yourself a break. It just seems like you are sticking your fingers in holes in a dam trying to hold back a tidal wave that is going to eventually overwhelm you, Callie.
People talk. I advise you to totally ignore it. You haven't heard anything first hand, and even if something was said, she may have said something out of temporary frustration that she didn't even mean. It was never meant for your ears. I have a policy that says "If they didn't say it to me, I don't want to hear about it." And I tell my employees this all the time, so that they can't play one against the other with tattling. That's what AH is doing (probably doesn't even know he's doing it), trying to play you against each other to win both your sympathies back. Don't buy into it, don't participate. Actually she sounds kinda like a normal grandma who is blind to her son's faults. It took you a while to see truth about AH, if you are patient, she'll see it too, prolly. Let her spoil her grandkids once a week within reason. It won't kill them. It's good to have a granny that spoils you and these kids can use the extra love with AH temporarily outta the picture. IMO
KISS (Keep it simple, Sweetie.) Just do you. Don't worry about them. And tell the kids a bit about what's going on as it comes up. You're going nuts trying to pretend everything is normal when it isn't. And running around trying to shut up your MIL and others. Just let it lay and do you. You're a great, loving person. I'd take some time away from the AH and all his quacking, were I you. Hugs!!!
KJ
There you are!
I'm so glad you hooked up with some of the codie folks, that's great for you to do for your own recovery. Us addicts can't really help with the codie stuff too much.
But we can keep it real for you, you know that we do that once we are in recovery:
I just have to say it--IMO, he's not detoxed, and you and MIL are both doing the codie dance. You're both covering, trying to maintain an impossible status quo. Things are not status quo any more, honey. They will never be the way they were (at least the way you thought they were) ever again. Don't hate me for saying that, please.
Change is inevitable, and not necessarily bad. You're a great mom. Your marriage, though not over yet (and may work out somehow, if he gets it in recovery), has changed a lot and forever. Different, not good or bad, just different.
It is impossible to protect your kids from every bit of fallout that comes from their father's addiction and your subsequent separation. It would be easier to deal with the reality of it with them at least a little at a time. Give yourself a break. It just seems like you are sticking your fingers in holes in a dam trying to hold back a tidal wave that is going to eventually overwhelm you, Callie.
People talk. I advise you to totally ignore it. You haven't heard anything first hand, and even if something was said, she may have said something out of temporary frustration that she didn't even mean. It was never meant for your ears. I have a policy that says "If they didn't say it to me, I don't want to hear about it." And I tell my employees this all the time, so that they can't play one against the other with tattling. That's what AH is doing (probably doesn't even know he's doing it), trying to play you against each other to win both your sympathies back. Don't buy into it, don't participate. Actually she sounds kinda like a normal grandma who is blind to her son's faults. It took you a while to see truth about AH, if you are patient, she'll see it too, prolly. Let her spoil her grandkids once a week within reason. It won't kill them. It's good to have a granny that spoils you and these kids can use the extra love with AH temporarily outta the picture. IMO
KISS (Keep it simple, Sweetie.) Just do you. Don't worry about them. And tell the kids a bit about what's going on as it comes up. You're going nuts trying to pretend everything is normal when it isn't. And running around trying to shut up your MIL and others. Just let it lay and do you. You're a great, loving person. I'd take some time away from the AH and all his quacking, were I you. Hugs!!!
KJ
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