concerning the hands off the addict suggestions....what if...

Old 08-21-2008, 04:23 PM
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concerning the hands off the addict suggestions....what if...


I am posing this question.......if my AS has been in rehab and doing well with no problems reported from the staff (been there eight months).......if his next step is a halfway house should I continue to pay for the halfway house until he can find employment?

Also would you purchase clothes for him to allow him to have a job? He has few clothes.

It seems to me if he is trying and if he passes the interview to go to a halfway house then is it enabling on my part to assist with the beginning stage to make this possible for him?

My husband says my son is doing his part by staying clean this past eight months. When I say hands off the addict his reply is why would I want to sabotage someone by not helping get to the next step when we are being told he needs a halfway house.

So, would you help and if so how much? seems like I don't want to be accused of helping too much. Any opinions would be appreciated.
Thank you........dixied
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Old 08-21-2008, 04:31 PM
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Dear Dixied, I have not been blessed as yet to see my son get this far, but if I did I would definitely help him in any way I could.
I don't see that as enabling at all.
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Old 08-21-2008, 04:33 PM
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I'd say that for his birthday - he gets clothes or for Christmas.
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Old 08-21-2008, 04:41 PM
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This is just my opinion.

When I was put in the diversion center, I had no clothes, so dad bought me some clothes.

I've struggled with finances, and he's helped me out several times, but I consider it a loan, and have always paid him back.

I think when we support someone in recovery, it's not enabling.

I also know that my dad will NOT help me if I'm not doing MY part....working, paying bills, etc.

I'm sure others will have more ES&H.

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 08-21-2008, 04:51 PM
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Amy........ I totally get what you are saying. You are the shining example of someone in recovery. You are what I look at - when I think of someone in recovery.

Trouble is though for me..... is I cheer lead..... not enable..... but cheer leaded the pre-mature recovering addict! Never with materialism though. Just with my love.

Dix --- I agree with Amy....... showing support in recovery is BEAUTIFUL!!!!!

Do what you feel is right..... there really is no right answer...... it is for you to decide.

Congrats to your son for all that he has done!!!!!!
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Old 08-21-2008, 06:05 PM
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If you can give that stuff to him with no expectations or strings attached then go for your life BUT if you have to go without to give to him, I'd be careful.

It isn't the 'giving' that is the problem just the who, what's and how's of it.
I.e. you buy him a pair of jeans and then find out he did have some money but spent it on something else - would you be resentful?
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Old 08-21-2008, 06:44 PM
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Dixie, We helped our daughter pay for part of the rehab and 2 months in the halfway house. I also took her to buy the personal hygiene products she needed and had her hair cut. I felt that looking better would help her feel better and it did. I also took her to the big Salvation Army store that was close to her halfway house to pick out a few items of clothing. We are continuing to pay for her Suboxone and giving her a place to live here with us. She is working now and will give us money to help with food and with the difference I have to pay for car insurance since I added her on to my car. She will use the rest of her money from work to pay about $8,000 in bills that are in collections. So I am okay with helping her as long as she is in recovery, but I am hoping to see her become more independent in a year or two Hugs, Marle
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Old 08-21-2008, 08:19 PM
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thank you to everyone who replied. I appreciate your thoughts and time that you gave me. I am frankly just a little gun shy almost afraid to believe anything he says or does. i have been fooled before.

i recently paid money for an attorney to assist him in his divorce. Mainly because it involved family property and the chance for him to see his little boy in the years to come.......and my husband said times have changed no one goes to court without an attorney in these days and times........I have done probably too much for my son in the past and I didn't want to start the pattern all over again.

Thanks to all of you that replied. It was greatly appreciated.........dixie
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Old 08-21-2008, 08:20 PM
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I have helped my daughter in her recovery as she got back on her feet. I've helped the times that the money out was greater than money in when she was working full time and going to school. I agree that it is all about expectations...both mine and her's. The pre recovery duaghter would have just assumed this was the way. The recovery daughter is so grateful. The other thing I have found as she has grown in her recovery is that she really hates to ask for help at all and does all she can to make sure money out = money in. She has finally found a feeling of accomplishment and self worth and figuring out a way to do it herself whenever possible has helped her grow tremendously.

Dixied I am so glad your son is doing well and choosing this next step in a halfway house. I hope you are doing well too.
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Old 08-21-2008, 08:20 PM
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My opinion only,
If they're in recovery and are helping themselves, then you're not helping the addiction, you're helping the recovery. But everyone has their limits of how much they can help.
When my rad was first getting her act together, I really limited how much I would help her out, and only if she asked for my help, AND only if I felt comfortable with what she asked for.
Congratulations on his 8 months!!
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Old 08-21-2008, 09:54 PM
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Helping him get to the next level in recovery and then on to independence
seems okay if you can afford it... as long as he is doing his part and understands that independence is the goal.
Fantastic that he has 8 mos. of rehab. He could have left at any time...but he is choosing to move forward with sobriety. This is simply wonderful.
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Old 08-22-2008, 09:19 AM
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Has your son initiated the subject of clothes or paying for the halfway house? Or, are you jumping in there and not only realizing that your son has these issues but are also solving those issues thereby removing from your son that opportunity.

I guess what i'm trying to bring up here is that, before giving advice on whether or not to help him, it's more important to dissect the thing and make sure that your son is carrying the weight of realizing he has these problems, initiating conversations with people about these problems, and coming up with his own solutions to those problems.
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Old 08-22-2008, 09:52 AM
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I've always helped when I felt my son could use it for all the right reasons.

There have been times I've regretted helping "so much", but if I hadn't at all, I think I'd regret it more. I do for him much of what I would for either of my other two kids without question. I just have to think twice with him, for the same reasons as you.

Great news on his path to recovery!
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Old 08-22-2008, 10:23 AM
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I agree with everyone here and would help at this stage of the game. Good luck to him and hugs to you and your family. Sounds like he's on the way to day at a time!! Hugs, Bonnie
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