Troubledone

I just wanted to start a thread about detachment and letting go with love.

I am discovering that each time I feel like I've let go of my addict, I find there is another layer of holding on.

I told myself that it wasn't codependent to go to my niece's court hearing because I just wanted to know her fate.

(She got probation for 2 BIG felony possession charges and despite rehab and counseling, she was using all the time she was in treatment, workhouse, etc. She got arrested recently and now she's facing the consequences - her original recommended sentence was 7 years - so I don't know what the judge will do.)

So I went to the hearing. She looked so frail. She came into the court and the judge asked where her lawyer was (meth addicted boyfriend was supposed to get one). Of course, no lawyer. She was crushed and began to sob a little, he acted like he was bewildered - told the judge he was supposed to be there.

Anyway, the judge was kind and set a hearing to see if she qualifies for a public defender, so she'll get represented one way or another. But back to jail she goes until another hearing next week. Thankfully I can't go next week because I"ll be out of town.

But in the aftermath of being there, I am left with a huge amount of sadness at her situation, bewilderment that she screwed up her chance for probation and that she is still relying on her drug friends to save her.

So, it made me think about letting go. In reality, I didn't need to go to that hearing. No matter what happens, when it is time, I'll find out. She calls when her friends let her down and I know that I have to stand by and allow that to happen for her to figure out who tells her the truth and who doesn't. I catch myself not going out, hoping to hear from her and I'm feeling distracted in my work.

At the same time, my life is wonderful and I have so much to be thankful for. What is it that keeps me focused on her when I don't need to be. If I really believe in my HP, then if I am truly needed based on His will, the opportunity will arise and I'll hear about it. And if I can let go, I'll be more sane and rational when that happens so that my actions are healthy and not codependent. It's just hard not to think about the little girl who was so sweet and how the drugs have torn her apart - and I feel so helpless.

This experience just made me think about what it means to really walk my talk, and continuing to work on letting to and trusting my HP, no matter what is happening.

I would love to hear other stories of letting go. Hearing others stories always helps me in unexpected ways.

Thanks to everyone on this web site for all your support.

grateful2b

Layers...yes.. just finished working through one...
I am no longer surprised when another layer surfaces...

but I have a foundation now and boundaries that work for me that have taken time , plenty of relapses and moving through layers to establish...

One thing that I cannot afford is to do dwell on the sweet girl she used to be, or even think about it...I choose not to go there because it is just too painful and I accept that..she is has been changed by addiction...

it is healthier for me to relate to who she is now and try and do that with loving compassion and a respect for her humanity, all the while detached from her responsiblity to deal with her life..interestingly, finally accepting who she is now, has allowed me to see who she can become, and I look forward instead of back,

I choose rather to believe that she will eventually say yes to recovery and then become the person she is meant to be...
as I go through another layer, I have a little relapse and learn something really important each time about *me*, my recovery in relationship to my A.

My challenge has been, not to be pulled in when she suffers from her consequences..especially when I see a glimpse of the little girl I have lost...big challenge ...but I realize now , I *cannot go there*

that has always been the hook...I now recognize it for what it is for me...this is my stuff... having a strategy in place and choosing a different path around that has helped me and at the same time allowed her to move towards accepting responsibilty for her life.

For me, I leave her to find her way...she knows I am here to support her in her recovery....I choose to look forward to the strong , beautiful and capable woman, she is struggling to become.

I almost lost her to 2 cancers when she was 4, and I use the same spiritual tools I used then to give her over to her HP...

This was time it was much, much harder though... still looking at why that is...

anyway, a little of my path with my AD, great thread, thank you...hugs, grateful

greeteachday

I'm sorry that you feel sad today...I imagine it must have been very hard to be in that court room and see where your niece's addiction has brought her. I think if I were in your shoes, i would have had to do that too in order to weigh whether my presence helped me or hurt me.

For me, letting go took hard work at first....well it takes hard work all the time, really as far as making sure I don't try to get in the way of HP. My first steps in letting go were primarily learning to say no and stick to no. In retrospect I realize that I had that problem well before addiction came in my life. So saying no to my daughter the first time when it was clearly about her manipulating was tough. I had to go with blind faith. Gradually, I saw that saying no helped me and it helped me not to enable her, I could begin to let go in other ways. I stopped jumping every time she called or every time she got in a bind. Sometimes as she struggled to stay clean, I probably was overly supportive, but it was what I was comfortable with.
The night my daughter went back out, I did not know where she was. I knew whatever it was wasn't good, but I had to tell myself that my worrying was not going to change one thing. My calling her cell every 5 minutes when there was no answer once, was not going to change a thing. I prayed out loud...I find that sometimes in really hard situations, saying things out loud, in my own voice helps me own the thoughts and also keeps me from obsessing, since my mind can not go off on a tangent while me lips need to move (if that makes any sense) And then I went to a meeting. It was absolutely the best thing for me. I made myself go on with my life by reminding myself of powerlessness and trusting in HP.

I think it is a process. I think the term baby steps is exactly what the process is. And I think for me, i have to live my recovery daily to keep taking those steps forward rather than sliding back.

Many hugs...Thanks for sharing your experience; I know we get so much from sharing with each other.

grateful2b

This is the learning curve for us all...I am sorry...I know how hard it is ...but it is wonderful that you are clear about what you can and can not do..grateful

Abundance

grateful......what you wrote spoke to me. ALL of it. Except it's my ABF.

Trouble - when I feel as though I have let go - I realize that there IS another layer that I'm holding on. Maybe that is my hope? Maybe that is because it is just how it's supposed to be?

Troubledone

Thanks to all of you... I appreciated and got something from each of your posts. I am grateful also for the validation about how hard it is to let go, and all the strategies each of you mentioned.

Thanks for responding!