notsowell

so I posted yesterday, this is all new to me and I am still in shock to have found out 6 days ago that my boyfriend is using cocaine. He has sworn to me that he will never use it again and that he is getting help (counseling twice a week, but not full rehab). He also says he's been using in various levels of severity for the last five years. Occasionally there were times he was using every day, but mostly a few times a week or month maybe? he said he just quit cold turkey for three months and then only relapsed recently and that was with none of us knowing. but now that we all know and can support him as he stops, he knows he will never use again.

He stole from me and lied to me for years, do I trust him now?
I want to, I want this to all go away.
he wants to get married, have kids...I'm 31, I suppose he could clean up and we could have a life... but what are the chances of relapse

does anyone have any advice?

deezaldog

Past behavior is a great indicator of future behavior. (Dr. Phil) Cocaine use if expensive and damaging in many ways. "He knows he will never use again." Never say never in recovery. He will tell you what he needs to convince you of his non-use. If he got away with it once he will try again if he starts useing.
If you need to set boundries with him, then do so and stick to them. I wish you the best and you should always take care of yourself first. If he wants to stop only he can do it for himself. Don't know if this is much help but his actions will speak louder than words. Addicts are great at deciet, lies and manipulation. Take it from one who is an addict/alcoholic-me. LOL

hello-kitty

Hi. Nice to meet you. Sorry you ended up here but hopefully this website can offer you support in your journey.

Doesn't sound like he's given you any reason to trust him after all these years. Only time will tell, notsowell. You will know by his actions, not his words. Addicts are full of promises that they will never use again - whenever they get caught. but most of them do.

I used to be heavily addicted to cocaine and if it was me, I'd be very very wary of an addict who SWEARS he will NEVER use again. One of the first steps in recovery is just learning to stay in the now. It's hard enough to promise that I won't use just for today, much less for the rest of my life. There is always a chance for a relapse.

There are no guarantees when it comes to recovery from addiction. There is always a chance an addict will relapse. Wait and see how long he stays clean before you commit to marriage. The only thing worse than having a coke addict for a boyfriend is being married to one and having children.

notsowell

are there any types that work better than others. does full rehab work better than counceling? what about detox?

Impurrfect

(((notsowell)))

any recovery program will work if he wants it to...the main thing is, HE has to want it to.

I am a recovering crack addict. Rehab helps a lot of people because you're in a pretty sheltered place to focus on recovery.

The thing is, when we want recovery, we do whatever it takes but it is something only WE can figure out. If we go into recovery for someone else, and are not ready to quit using, we will just resent that person.

I, also, don't say "I will never use again"....heck, I always swore I'd "NEVER" do crack in the first place. With 17 months clean, I know that if I don't work on my recovery, the chances are very likely that I will use again.

Like was said above...actions speak louder than words. Personally, if I knew he'd been using and I wasn't aware of it, I wouldn't trust him for a long, long time.

Focus on you...we addicts are going to do whatever we want to do...whether it's recovery or using. The best thing you can do is take care of you.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

justanothrdrunk

This really depends on the individual and where they are at. Are they quitting for themself or for someone else, etc.

Detox (in my experience) is nothing more than coming down while medically supervised. The detox I've been in did nothing with recovery whatsoever. We sat around, watched TV, played cards, had our vital signs checked every so often, got meds if needed, and were fed. That was it.

The thing with counseling is finding a therapist who has experience with dual diagnosis (mental health and substance abuse issues). Many have only the mental health piece and don't have the knowledge/experience to deal with substance abuse effectively.

My view (call it conservative) is if there is the disease of addiction/alcoholism present, a 28 day inpatient rehab program is the way to go.

starbucksqueen

Hi notsowell,

Looks like you and I are in the same boat!

Unfortunately I'm so new to this whole addiction thing that I have zero experience.
Tonight I'm going to my first alanon meeting to get started...I'm completely in the dark about how to handle any of this.
I would suggest you do the same.
And in all honesty, ask him to move out or go to rehab, that way you can have a couple weeks to de-fog your head and start seeing things for what they really are.
My AF is in rehab right now and him being gone has helped me gather all my thoughts and actions.
Also, take it one day at a time. Just know that whatever we're doing at the present moment is exactly where we need to be in life.

I'm in your corner girl!

Troubledone

My heart goes out to you.

the only thing I can add to the posts already is that if he has been using all the time you have known him, you don't know him. Meaning - who is he without the drugs?

Only sobriety will tell, but based on my experience, it is pretty hard to tell if they are really sober - even for professionals. My niece successfully lied to me, my husband, therapists, her p.o., the workhouse and the judge for over 2 years - all the time having to do UA's (unrine analysis) at the courthouse several times a week! She only recently confessed it because she's back in jail hoping to get some mercy from the judge an another charge. (Of course, your boyfriend might not be as hardened as my niece)

So, it will take a lot of time for you to determine if he can stop (on his own or otherwise) and if you like who he is after he's off the drugs. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh, but the best decisions we can make are with full awareness. And it is also very important with addicts to look at thier behavior not thier words. Their actions don't lie, but their mouth often does.

If you decide to stick it out, you'll be in for a bit of a roller coaster ride, so you may want to find a Naranon Family group and start going. Folks there can be suportive and they have all kinds of information that is useful during the process.

God Bless. I hope you are able to fully accept the reality of this situation with peace and both discover what your HP's will is and find the courage to do it.

beegee

Hello Notso well,
I am sorry you are having to deal with your AB. I can tell you to listen to what people above said to you. Ihavd an ad who was on coke and promised me several times she was not going to use. She did again and again. Talk is cheap when it comes to addicts, actions speak louder then words in any place in life. My daughter went into rehab and I went to naranon meetings. She is working hard I think with her issues and has a long way to go but I see the difference. Your BF needs help and not just talk. You need some time to get a grip on reality of what addicts do. Keep reading and don't trust his words right now. Trust "experience" which is here. Even now with my ad I am not positive how long she will go, I can only hope she stay clean one more day. That makes me happy and her too I know. Read the stickies also. Come here for all the help you need.