Jewelz

Hi, I want to post some of my thoughts on my situation and just of addiction in general. I don't post as much as I used to here on the family and friends forum of addicts but I have been on this board for almost four years, practically every day.

I have several addicts in my life since I was a child till adulthood but what brought me to SR is my boyfriend if you want to call him that, and we have a 2 1/1 year old son. For my son only I would not change the past but that doesn't mean I need to stay where I am. I have been doing a lot of self evaluating of myself and absorbing a lot of what happens to my friends on here on SR who suffer as I do.... loving someone whose an addict.

I am one of those woman who would say ohhh my addict never stoled from me, my addict never hit me when he was in a rage for money. Always saying or thinking to myself my addict is different. I sit here right now and say my addict is just the same as any other addict. Yeah he may have some type of control in the stealing part but I believe its only because we all end up giving in to him with money. We dont want to deal with the rage when he wants money, we dont want the kids to hear, we want everything as quiet as it can be so we just give the man the money he wants. Yeah he may work but practically half of it goes to drugs. I have been through so many of the ups and downs.... rehabs, him being on praole, jail and so on. The roller coaster ride of addiction... why I ask myself... "because I love him, oh because when he is clean he's such a beautiful man... and so on with my own quacking!!!!! I really do believe I am finally realizing after four long hard years that he's an addict, drugs comes first. While when the clean periods are here he is a decent man the drugs are his first love and I doubt I will ever measure up to the love of his... crack. The crack has basically took his soul away.

I could blame him, I could say if he did this or that, didnt do this or that we would have such a good life together. Why should my good life depend if he is using or not. I ask myself why do I allow myself to be in a situation that I am walking on pins and needles wondering ifs hes going to ask me for money, or I leave myself with just enough money in case he does ask just so I dont have to deal with him. Why do I allow myself to walk around with my chest tight, with a false smile at work... I feel like I dont even let myself get close to anyone just so they dont know about my home life. I never mention him its practically as if I am single... thats what I give off to people without meaning to.

Man just to have a conversation with a man feels refreshing.... I am like wow they think, feel, funny and so on. Its weird, strange to meet a man whose not addicted, and who is a professional.

I am coming to terms with myself that I am as sick as him. God I have heard that line so much on SR but I didnt understand it but I realize it now I am as sick as him. To allow such insanity in my life, to allow my heart to be hard, to allow myself not to have happiness and to settle just because "i love him". Most of the time I feel like I am in the war with the devil, and have no one. I want out of the war, I want to be free, I have to have that carefree laugh, sparkle in my eye... I want a life. A man shouldnt determine if I am happy or not!!!!! A man whether hes an addict or not shouldnt be my main purpose. Love should not be hard, love should come carefree and flow... where you feel it from your toes to your head. I should not wake up in the morning and my first thought I want him to go.

My children need to be first!!! Oh the guilt I feel within my heart because of my kids. That if anyone mentions anything with them I get instantly defensive just cause deep down I know they are right.

He is still around but I dont believe for long, I envision the life I want now... I never could before... I always had him in the shadows of the life I wanted with him. Not anymore I could see how beautiful and happy my life could be without him in it.... HOW LIBERATING!!!!!

So now I need to make a plan to have him go and be gone. One day at a time... I feel like I finally did my first step.

These are my own thoughts of my life and my addict.... Its been a while since I posted here and I felt I needed to let my heart be a little lighter. If you made it this far, thank you.

I want to say thank you to ALL who have given me advice, your words have stayed with me, and relayed in my mind over and over again.

Hugs,
Jewelz

Done_With_It

cookconfay

(((((Jewelz))))))

Man, I've said all that same stuff over & over myself. Yep, pick a number...that'd be him. They all were addicts/alcoholics, you know that's what I seem to be drawn to...sick ones! Xah was the last besides that little stint with Rusty last summer. Gosh hard to believe that it's been almost a year since we were together!! Wow....

I feel ya tho, yes indeed. I know exactly where you are at. And I agree 100%, it shouldn't have to be hard. It's not supposed to be that way. It sucks, the disease sucks. And since I've been on the "other side" of the coin too..... I ran a good one off back in oh, hmmmm around 91 or so maybe 92 cuz I went back out. He didn't do heroin, hell he HARDLY even ever drank a beer!! But he walked in and caught me doing only God knows what with all my connections over to my house and we were all VERY f*cked up. I vaguely remember being in a most compromising position, one I would have only let myself get into if I was whacked out of my head!!! So....I know I hurt him bad, and he was such a sweetheart. DAMN, this disease sucks, so many lives touched by it in so many ways!!! Kids, parents, siblings, bf/gf/husbands, wives.....either dealing with someone who is one or they are one themselves!!!

My prayers are with you sweetie! You and your kids! Hang in there and everything will work out, trust God! Don't hesitate to call me anytime! I'll be there to listen if nothing else!! You got my #'s on ... "the list"

fndngserenity

Sometimes it is very hard to be honest with ourselves. That is a major thing you just said tonight. I am struggling too. Holding on to the good times we have, praying for more. I don't know......I don't want to give up - I love him so much. I just don't know - I feel lost and empty right now. I feel like crying but it is just stuck inside of me.
I am so happy you have come so far as to realize what you have - your life is so important and so is your happiness. Good luck and keep posting and keeping us informed.

Hugs and Prayers

krhea75

hey jewelz,
thanks for sharing such an honest post. I know it will help many on this site. I will pray for you and your kids.
krhea

eaglesgirl

Sounds as if you are having "that" moment...the one we always hear about, the time when we will know.....


You are a great mom... You have done the best you could given the circumstances you were in... no fault, no blame... you realize what you need to do to turn it around...


You said it... one day at a time... It can be as great as you want it to be...

Stay strong Jewelz... we are always here for you...

cece1960

((((Jewelz)))
You've always known you would be ready when you're ready, and not a moment sooner.
It sounds like you're ready.
Sending lots of love and prayers, we're walking with you hon.

(((Hugs)))

frankly

((jewelz))

A time, a purpose, a reason, endings and beginnings, they all come exactly when they are supposed to come. I remember when you were new here, how hard you worked, and how hard you held on. I think every time I read any of your posts, I always said a prayer for you, I prayed that it would work out with your BF, or that you would find your serenity and find a way to move forward, I prayed for your happiness. Even though I've never met you in person, I know in my own heart that you are one of the kindest hearted souls out there and you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be free. You deserve to laugh and giggle and be silly. You deserve to blossom like the beautiful flower that you really are. It's time to fertalize your roots and bloom girl.

Hugs
B

Jewelz

Thank you all for all your kind words and inspiration. It was hard for me to post for some time now, even on the pennies thread where I usually am at. My heart isnt aching right now. I feel like my heart is blocked. Funny that all this came to head today, because last night when he tried to buy some drugs he was told that they dont have anymore, LOL he was wallowing SP in self pity. I didnt care at any other time it would have been a dream come true, his dealer stopped. I looked at him and said this is NYC if you want drugs you could find some.

He just came home a little while ago from work. Trying to talk to me as if everything is normal, that everything is fine again. I looked at him and said the damage is done, you made my heart ice towards you. Just because you cant get the drugs right now dont think I am going to go back running around trying to please you, and making believe everything is peachy again.... just to find out one day you found it again and BAM my heart is broken. I told him I was sorry and left him in the bedroom.

He is still here I havent made the step for him to leave yet but I am realizing life could be good without him and that feels so damn good inside.

Thank you all again!!!

Jewelz

Done_With_It

That reminds me so much of what my Mom went through with my step dad,
she tried with him for so long, he was not into drugs, in fact a recovering alcoholic of many many years, but never had dealt with his 'anger' issues so he may have well have been using in a way. She tried until what she said almost exactly what you said, her heart was like ice, she went from hurting so bad, crying, to feeling nothing.

She did leave him and she Did find a good life again.

She had to leave the bad in order to find the good again.
At one time she thought it was impossible until she "Knew"
it was possible again.

I'm so proud of you Jewelz, I know it's not easy, or I can
remember the journey of my Mom. It builds some
good character. :ghug

greeteachday

((((Jewelz))))), One of the things I hated most about living with active addiction was how numb I became. I think I am a very passionate person...passionate about life, rallying for things I believe in, my feelings for my loved ones. When I became numb, I shut down, turned off...did what I had to just to make it through each day, and some days I even wondered why do that. I let myself become a vicitm of addiction. Recovery helped me "thaw" and in time that passion resurfaced and more than that, I found such joy in simple, beautiful things in life.

Like Frankly, I have always believed you are the most kind hearted, loving person who deserves to let your soul soar. I 've felt so sad for you when you felt so desperate and did not know what to do. Intellectually you understood, but your heart just wasn't ready yet to see that by loving yourself first, you find love in the world.

I'm so glad to see you are opening that door and taking the first steps towards freeing yourself from the bondage of addiction. For it robs us just as much as it robs our addicted loved ones. Hugs and prayers.

ski04

((((Jewelz))))
I remember the day I made up my mind I was leaving. part of me angry, part of me sad and part of me hurt and scared. My life now is so good!! Not having to worry constantly, wow!!! What a relief it was & still is. I wish this feeling for you!!! There are hard days dont get me wrong but it is so much easier to deal with without having the added burden of HIM!!! Good for you!!! I used to say to myself over and over again something I got from my Mom...I AM, I CAN, I WILL. Sounds silly but it helped me be strong during the rough times.
LOVE YOU!!!
~Ski

splendra

I feel ya on that one girlfriend I even say it out loud. Today I asked myself are you listening? My heart still hurts over it though.

I told my H something similar the other day about you can find some dope... I said why don't you go find some dope???

ajangels2

(((Jewelz)))
I'm so glad that you made the choice to post your thoughts. There are many times I have had some of those same thoughts. It is freeing to be able to express those feelings. I will keep you and the kids in my prayers. Your plan will come to fruition soon. Don't give up and don't give up hope for your life and the life you desire.


Hugs,
AJ

CatsPajamas

Many years ago, I had a counselor ask me how I felt towards my husband. We were in those final throes of counseling to see if we could make it work. I told her I felt nothing. And she said that's when you know you're done. If you feel anger or sadness or any of those other emotions? Apparently you're not done yet, at least not according to her.

Me? I was so incredibly DONE. Stick-a-fork-in-me-I'm-done DONE.

You'll know when you're ready.

Live

(((((((((((((((((((((((Jewelz))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))

peaceteach

Sounds like you have turned a corner in life, Jewelz. I hope you continue to step forward in this new life, make some plans, put yourself and your children first, and find the peace, love, and serenity you deserve. It's out there, within your reach, and you won't believe how calm and serene and happy it can be. Sure, it's tough, the letting go process, but I agree with Cats. Once you have reached the "feel nothing" point, it is very hard if not impossible to go back to love. Sometimes it is just over.

kj0975

((JEWELZ)) I hope things get better remember you DO HAVE THE POWER to turn things around. Your a great mom and you have a big heart. You know what you have to do for your family and your working it out. ((HUGS)) if you need to talk PM me.

hope213

sending prayers up for your courage to do what you know you need to do. big hugs,

lil516

It sounds like you are reclaiming your right to a good life...
in the process you will also give a gift to your children

regardless of whether he stays or goes in the immediate future, you know that your happiness does not come from him...
it is not in his control

paraphrasing The Good Witch and Dorothy:

"You've had the power all the time!"

(((blessings)))