splendra

I have been trying to get the courage to get my H out of my life for so long. I absolutely know that he has no interest in getting well. He has been doing a lot of sulking, people ask what is wrong with him? To me he just seems like he always seems. I guess he doesn't show this side of himself to many people I just say I don't know why don't you ask him. I think it is his way of shopping for another sucker. I am sure he plays the "Mr. Everything Wonderful" role with some as well. Cause he would probably get fire at work acting the way he does at home. I see "mama" role that he has assigned to me and I have played in his drama. I am learning to treat him like an adult no matter how childishly he behaves. I realize he is showing his true colors

I am just sick of myself and him.

I have packed up a lot of his stuff. I have divided the garage into 2 sections;my stuff and his I have made a partition out of black plastic.. I have even been working on my side to make it my space. I stay out there a lot working to get it really clean and livable. I have been sleeping out there too. I can see the garden which is enjoyable and peaceful.

I am working to get a good garage sale together so I can to get rid of the stuff neither of us are using. I have been working very hard.

I see that we both have verry distant boundaries and this is part of the problem that both of us have. He just wants what he wants and so do I. If I do not put all my energy into him helping him do what he wants than he wants nothing to do with me. I see how much energy I have given him over the years. It is like he has had a straw in my energy field and has been sucking my energy for a long time. Oh the ways I have allowed him to hook me. God it is so completely stupid on my part.

Actually I do believe I am making some kind of progress although slow. I tell ya it is kind of depressing and I have had few pity parties for myself which I am trying to hold to a minimum. I am going to find the light at the end of this tunnel. I know I need to be very gentle with myself at this time. Progress not perfection right

I know I have to look at my situation squarely and not lie to myself. I got myself into this mess and I think I can get myself out with ya'lls and God's help. Thanks for letting me share

Reality

Wow, your awareness and insight is very inspiring. I love the garage part...putting his stuff on his side, your stuff on your side, and just focusing and tending to YOUR stuff.

That's how it must be done. You Go Girl!!

Callie

The amount of energy we put into them is exhausting isn't it Splendra. You know, one thing that jumped out at me is the number of your posts 4,513. That says ALOT about the amount of energy you've put into him - even though part of it is for yourself. I know exactly what you mean about the hook. I know exactly what you mean about feeling stupid. I know exactly what you mean about slow progress. But you know what, you're making progress. If it were easy we'd have been gone a long time ago. Take it at your own pace. Hugs to you.

rozied

You know even when you are in what you believe is a relatively good marriage you have to work hard at holding on to your own identity. I have been married to Jim 24 yrs this Nov & he is not an addict. Yet we have our differences & I will never compromise my own identity to keep someone else happy no matter how much I love them.
" To thine own self be true, then you can't be false to any man "
If this man is not good for you, move on. Life is too hard to let anyone bring you down.

Impurrfect

(((Splendra)))

I think you are definitely making progress!

I've found out addiction sucks the life out of you whether you are the addict (I was) or someone who loves/loved an addict (I was). We start getting our life back in baby steps, but as long as we keep moving forward, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Jewelz

Splendra you are definately making progress... I see recovery all through your post. I love they way you are able to within side of yourself. A lot of what you said is how I feel. Thank you for sharing!!

Hugs,
jewel

peaceteach

Splendra,

I also have felt that sucking sensation from other's who are addicts. It always seemed as though their body just got next to mine and pulled any energy I had out of my circle and into theirs. I hope you can continue to hold onto that thought and keep that plastic wall up in both your garage and around your spirit. What a wonderful metaphor! Good luck and I am sending prayers that you remain strong and focused on your journey towards a brighter and more self-focused new life for yourself.

frankly

((Splendra))

Please forgive me, but I had to chuckle. I have this vision in my head of the divided garage with your side clean and neat and inviting and his side just the oposite. With him slurking around trying to find a way to stick a straw across to your side to sneak some of your energy without you knowing, and you just pinching the straw. My first thought was "You go girl".

Even your not so happy posts, always gives me a lift, a little bit of your energy, no wonder he wants it. You are a strong lady and I admire you. Keep doing what you are doing.

Hugs and Prayers
B

splendra

((((frankly))))LOL you don't know how close you are to describing how it really is!!! My side is much cleaner although some of his lager items are still on my side I will have to get someone to help me move them because they are just way too heavy for even me lol. He is not going to help me with this one bit as you probably know already....I love reading your's too...

(((((Callie))))As for my over 4 thousand post hey my H doesn't get all the credit lol I have 4 other addicts in my family of origin to ignore or contend with too. Also I would like to add that more of my posts have been lost in crashes than are actually here. I am sure I would have closer to 20 thousand post if they had not been lost...maybe it is a good thing that over half of my misery has been lost. lol

I have mixed feelings about ya'll being able to relate I am glad I am not alone in this but, still sad that so many others are experiencing the same stuff....Let us all be able to learn to take care of ourselves...can anyone give me an amen!!

Jody Hepler

The light at the end of the tunnel is NOT a train.

Sounds like you are moving on.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

splendra

I am still inching along with my garage project. I painted the walls and working on preping the ceiling. I really look forward to having my own space again. I mixed bleach in with the paint to kill the mold. It seems to be very effective I can't smell a hint of mold or bleach either. I told someone about my paint and bleach mixture and they are going to try it too.

I have been burning lots of incense to make it smell good too. I found this kind called "purification" it smells really fresh to me. I am really picky about incense and I took a lot of time picking this one out I did not want to catch a whiff sometime later and go ewww yuck.

My H is still around watching me pack his stuff and asking me where I put things. He doesn't seem to believe I want him gone. I am just doing this in stages. There is so much pure junk that I am getting rid of as well. I have asked him to view what I consider to be junk just in case there is something he values but he pretty much ignores me so I will toss these things without his "blessing" I am sure he will try to use it to blame me for something or another but, you know what I don't care....

Thanks for reading and thank you for your input as well...:ghug

splendra

Well the rains came and flooded the garage a little it did not cause any major damage I will be throwing away even more stuff now though. Yea a lot of "stuff" was damaged so I can see my HPs influence in this maybe....

I was in a flood once before and lost almost all my stuff except I still had H to bring the stuff back...

greeteachday

It sure does sound like HP has assisted in some of the "stuff cleaning" I've been gradually creating my own spot in my house too...Even though my H is not the addict in my life, I've found I need somewhere that helps me re-energize and rebalance. It's where I can go to find me and just be still and hear the universe's gentle whisper.

I think you are making excellent progress and I truly appreciate how you have shared your thoughts and progression here.

splendra

well....I can't seem to get motivated today all the soggy "stuff"....

H lost his job

hope213

((((((((splendra)))))))))

Callie

What?? Is this a new thing that H lost his job or am I reading something wrong? IF so, your HP is screaming at you, do you hear Him are you listening? Hugs to you girl.

splendra

H's lost job will give him even more excuses as to why he can't leave. No money ya know.

Callie

What happened??? You know what, if he just lost it it's not YOUR problem. How long had he been there, was it a good job? If you recall, same thing happened with my AH. Lost a GREAT job of 19 years. He's had it since he got out of HS.

BBD

It sure doesn't sound like fun at your house S~~~~but you have a plan and in time I'm sure things will work out. My computer has been all medded up so I'm catching up on posts. Good luck and I'm sending hugs your way...Bonnie

splendra

Thanks sweetie :ghug3 Some times I still don't have a clue