Can't concentrate, can't motivate
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
Can't concentrate, can't motivate
I'm trying to detach from my BF. We're giving each other space. I'm making plans without him. I've let go of the expectation that he will spend weekends with me.
Luckily, we never moved in with each other, so doing this "healing separation" thing isn't so drastic. The problem is that I can't concentrate on my writing. I write for a weekly magazine, and I dread each deadline. I procrastinate until the last moment, which is costing me lack of sleep and stress. It's making me question whether I want to keep this job. I don't really need it for the money. But one day my kids will grow up and I will want to fall back on something.
What's preoccupying me? I keep wondering why he doesn't want to spend quality time with my family, friends, and with me. I keep wondering why he has never been interested in treating me like a lady… like taking me out to dinner for instance. I told him I couldn’t just wait around each weekend, hoping that he might feel like being with me. I said I would make plans without him and not count on him to join me. Now, I'm afraid of making the plans, for fear that this will grow us further apart.
I feel needy and yearn for him. Then, I start imagining that he has taken on a new lover. Then, I start to panic and obsess, which adds to my feelings of distraction. I vacillate between feeling strong and feeling so sad. I am scared the relationship will end, and that I will never feel passion for another man again.
Luckily, we never moved in with each other, so doing this "healing separation" thing isn't so drastic. The problem is that I can't concentrate on my writing. I write for a weekly magazine, and I dread each deadline. I procrastinate until the last moment, which is costing me lack of sleep and stress. It's making me question whether I want to keep this job. I don't really need it for the money. But one day my kids will grow up and I will want to fall back on something.
What's preoccupying me? I keep wondering why he doesn't want to spend quality time with my family, friends, and with me. I keep wondering why he has never been interested in treating me like a lady… like taking me out to dinner for instance. I told him I couldn’t just wait around each weekend, hoping that he might feel like being with me. I said I would make plans without him and not count on him to join me. Now, I'm afraid of making the plans, for fear that this will grow us further apart.
I feel needy and yearn for him. Then, I start imagining that he has taken on a new lover. Then, I start to panic and obsess, which adds to my feelings of distraction. I vacillate between feeling strong and feeling so sad. I am scared the relationship will end, and that I will never feel passion for another man again.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I think part of it is a normal process of grieving. You're grieving for a relationship that is not turning out the way you wanted to. I've had 3 relationships in my life, and all 3 were with A's. I was clingy and needy in all 3 of them. I swore I would die without each and every one of them. I could say I wasted 27 years of my life, or I can see that I learned what I want, and don't want in a relationship. I realized that when I am so focused on another person, I'm not really IN the relationship....I'm living to be what THEY want me to. For that reason, I'm not in a relationship now. I'm taking my time to find ME and will not accept what I've accepted before.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
I think it's normal to be distracted after any trauma - breakup or otherwise. Sometimes it takes a little while to "come down" from it.
It will get better. Try to be particularly kind to yourself.
One way I try to help myself is to use my obsessing to look at other ways to interpret the situation. For example - being afraid to make plans because it will make you grow further apart - you could ask yourself what might be so bad about that? Or - what possibilities might open up for you if you didn't have him in your life? Or - what stories am I telling myself about my relationship with him that are just outside of my awareness that could give me a clue about what keeps me hooked.
With my addicted niece, there were all kinds of stories that I was telling myself about it being my job to take care of her, who would stop her if I didn't, etc. - looking at them consiously helped me see that those thoughts didn't help my addict and didn't help me - so I could choose other thoughts - for example - if my addict chooses to waste her life, my staying with her dysfunction also wastes mine. If I detach, at least one life is saved - mine. It helps to write them down so you can really look at them. There is also a web site called coping.org that has some tools - under "control issues" there is one on detachment that helped me a lot.
Hard part is that dealing with addicts is a very time consuming operation. If they are in our lives, especially if they are using, creating drama or just leeching off us, it saps our energy. I'd hate to see you give up something you have for yourself, and yet, there is a very real energy investment for both the job and grieving the addict or processing all the aftermath.
I pray for you that you find the right balance that leads to your healing, detachment and ultimate happines...
God Bless...
It will get better. Try to be particularly kind to yourself.
One way I try to help myself is to use my obsessing to look at other ways to interpret the situation. For example - being afraid to make plans because it will make you grow further apart - you could ask yourself what might be so bad about that? Or - what possibilities might open up for you if you didn't have him in your life? Or - what stories am I telling myself about my relationship with him that are just outside of my awareness that could give me a clue about what keeps me hooked.
With my addicted niece, there were all kinds of stories that I was telling myself about it being my job to take care of her, who would stop her if I didn't, etc. - looking at them consiously helped me see that those thoughts didn't help my addict and didn't help me - so I could choose other thoughts - for example - if my addict chooses to waste her life, my staying with her dysfunction also wastes mine. If I detach, at least one life is saved - mine. It helps to write them down so you can really look at them. There is also a web site called coping.org that has some tools - under "control issues" there is one on detachment that helped me a lot.
Hard part is that dealing with addicts is a very time consuming operation. If they are in our lives, especially if they are using, creating drama or just leeching off us, it saps our energy. I'd hate to see you give up something you have for yourself, and yet, there is a very real energy investment for both the job and grieving the addict or processing all the aftermath.
I pray for you that you find the right balance that leads to your healing, detachment and ultimate happines...
God Bless...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by mamaplus2kids 
Then, I start imagining that he has taken on a new lover.
The ole "he's just not into you" is all this is. It has nothing to do with you and all to do with him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 50
Jmo
I think the problem is you have fallen out of love with you. It seems that you are struggling with detatching but at the same time you are not "falling back in love with you". Thus, you are feeling an empty "hole" there and stressing over what if you lose him. I know it sounds easy, but this is the hardest thing to do. But the more you take care of you and put you and your kids first (actively loving yourself) you will not be obsessing over what he is doing. In addition, you may get more clarity on true feelings for him. Once you are truly strong again you may be able to see the pros and cons of having him in you and your childrens life. Regardless, you need to put the burden back on him of getting clean and sober. Stop obsessing over it and begin to replace that behavior with loving you and your kids. In time, you will see that you have made one very happy, fun and healthy home for you and your kids. And it will look very appealing to him. And in order for him to partake in your new wonderful world he will have to be in recovery. Make no room for chaos in your new world.
I HTH. Hugs to you. I am doing the same thing, although I am married to my AH and we have a son. But my AH knows that unquivocally that only certain behaviors will be tolerated in this new post rehab world. And they are all healthy ones for all of us. No more toxic environment. I would rather love him from afar than let that reek havoc on my life anymore.
My deceased mom had a saying, "No one can do anything to you unless you let them do it too you.". And she was so right. And trust me, even my AH said this. No one likes a nagging, whining spouse/other. He said he is so drawn to this new person I am now and looks forward to seeing me.
And if your BF doesn't come around, honey he didn't deserve you in the first place. Remember you are a gift, a gift from god. Don't throw yourself just to anyone. You are too precious.
:ghug3
I HTH. Hugs to you. I am doing the same thing, although I am married to my AH and we have a son. But my AH knows that unquivocally that only certain behaviors will be tolerated in this new post rehab world. And they are all healthy ones for all of us. No more toxic environment. I would rather love him from afar than let that reek havoc on my life anymore.
My deceased mom had a saying, "No one can do anything to you unless you let them do it too you.". And she was so right. And trust me, even my AH said this. No one likes a nagging, whining spouse/other. He said he is so drawn to this new person I am now and looks forward to seeing me.
And if your BF doesn't come around, honey he didn't deserve you in the first place. Remember you are a gift, a gift from god. Don't throw yourself just to anyone. You are too precious.
:ghug3
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