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Wrote My AS A Letter

Old 08-17-2008, 06:18 PM
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rozied
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Wrote My AS A Letter

I spent the last 2 days composing a letter to my son. In it I had to tell him how his behaviour is negatively affecting my mother. She is 88 & her BP has gone up a few times over the past few months. Plus her triglycerides & Lipids have been up also. Her dr claims its hardening of the artieries but I know negative stress only makes things like this worse. The dr put her on another medication. I feel my son has the right to know as he claims to love his nana so much. My mother has told me her prayer is that she lives long enough to see her grandchildren straighten out.'
I am mailing the letter in the am.
Thanks for taking the time to read my post.
Diane
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Old 08-17-2008, 06:44 PM
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Is there any chance I could talk you out of mailing it?
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Old 08-17-2008, 07:13 PM
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Your son does need to know how his negative behavior is affecting those he loves. Do you think it will change his behavior, will he believe you? If you send the letter will your mother back you up if your son questions her? What are your motives for sending a letter? Only wishing you the best. I am sure it must be very difficult for you. LOL
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Old 08-17-2008, 07:39 PM
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Rozied,
It is good to let your son know how his behavior is effecting others. Will he care? Who knows he is still active, do what is best for you. I know it has taken you awhile to write this letter and that you turned it over to your HP to help you with the words. Mail it, let your mom know what you did so she is prepared if he should call her and if she accepts the charges. Maybe she will not accept them, and won't have to speak to Joey.
I know how hard this is on you and how worried you have been about your parents. Also let your ex know what is going on so if Joey calls him he can also tell him what your parents are dealing with health wise.
Keeping you in my prayers and sending you lots of hugs. Stay strong and do what is BEST FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 08-17-2008, 08:13 PM
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Old 08-17-2008, 08:25 PM
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Rozied, You need to do what you think is right for you. You are a loving daughter that is looking out for her mother's best interests. I can tell you that during her worst my daughter still loved me and I am sure that Joey still loves his grandparents and you. Addiction is selfish and whether it changes anything is another question, but at least you have said your peace. Hugs, Marle
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Old 08-18-2008, 05:47 AM
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rozied
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No, There is no way you can talk me out of mailing it. Why wouldn't I want to? He claims to love his grandmother so much, & he has the right to know what is going on & how his behaviour affects others.
Thanks to you all for your posts.
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Old 08-18-2008, 06:10 AM
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Rozied, you do what you need to do

Although we are all on this common road of recovery for ourselves, each of us have our own unique journey.

I too have written letters. My sponsor suggested writing the letter, then 'sitting on it' for 30 days, going back to it and seeing if I still wanted to send it.

I knew I wasn't going to change the recipient's behavior or attitudes, but rather wrote the letters as a cathartic process for me.

It allowed me to get my feelings out on paper in front of me, own them, and then let go of them.
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Old 08-18-2008, 06:38 AM
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Well ((((rozied)))))

I hope the letter helps you feel better cause most likely it will not make him change anything. Look at your motives. As an avid "letter writer" to my A's for years and years I have found that mostly they just make things worse if I send them. I came across a trunk full of letters I wrote to all the different A's in my life the other day I could have written them yesterday as the feelings have not changed all that much over the years.

If letter writing did much good there would be at least 5 less addicts in this world right now cause my "poison pen" as my family calls my writings has used several gallons of ink.

It gets back to keep the focus on you...
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Old 08-18-2008, 08:01 AM
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((((Rozied))))
I think this is something you have to decide on yourself. It may not change a thing but you getting to say what you want will help you. And of course we never know what may happen, but always be prepared for the worst and expect the best as someone or several have said here.
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Old 08-18-2008, 08:31 AM
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No matter what happens I am not helping my son as long as he uses. He put himself into this predicament & how he gets out of it is none of my business.
He knows how I feel about the lifestyle he has chosen to live.
I want my son to know that nothing can or will change how much I love him. I also want him to know how his behaviour is affecting the people who love him. As I said to him I know you are mad at me but these are my reasons for not helping.
He wrote to me asking for financial help so I owed him an explanation.
Simple really.
I haven't mailed the letter yet. I am giving it alot of thought.
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Old 08-18-2008, 10:01 AM
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(((Rozied)))

If it feels right to you, to send the letter, I say send it. I just don't want you to have any hopes that this will change his behavior. From the way it sounds, he is totally focused on HIM and his problems, which he brought on himself.

I've written many letters, poured my heart out, and got nothing in response. I've finally learned to write letters only if I have no expectations of the person's reactions. If I can say "this is what I feel" and then LET IT GO, then I send it.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 08-18-2008, 10:12 AM
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Go with your gut. I would probably do the same thing.

Let us know how it's received and keep us updated.

/hugs
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Old 08-18-2008, 11:33 AM
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I will keep you all posted when there are futher developments.
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Old 08-18-2008, 04:04 PM
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I did it

While AH was in rehab I wrote 3 pages of resentments towards him. I got there during a counseling session, handed one to the counselor and told AH he would get his copy when I got done reading it aloud to him. A few minutes in to it he began to cry. He needed to hear these things. Someone here has a saying that is great, its something like..saying like you mean it, mean what you say but don't say it mean. Or something like that. Its true. I wasn't mean in my list, I was factual.

I think that was the true turning point for AH in rehab. Not to mention it was so cathartic to me. It was like I poured it out of me for the last time. There would never be no reason to yell at him over these things in the future because I know he heard me.

I say send your letter. Maybe you will get through to your son. Maybe not. But it can make you feel sooo much better. Yesterday I remembered the lists. We finally took our copies in the backyard and burned them.

Good luck to you.
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Old 08-18-2008, 05:11 PM
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I'm coming in a little late to this post. Don't know if this is helpful..

I've written a million letters to my addict. It didn't matter either way if I sent them, but the process of writing it helped me.

In the case of my addict, the need to write a letter now tells me that she's not listening to my words and I realize a letter won't help either. So I normally don't bother and instead work on why I'm still holding on.

So, if writing helps me let go or gain peace, I do it; if sending it helps me, I do it. But I try not to have any expectations that it will change her in any way. Nothing has worked in 4.5 years.

Sending or not, I hope you find peace and detachment...
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Old 08-18-2008, 05:22 PM
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Sorry to hear your mom is so sick. (((hugs to you))). I hope that mailing the letter made you feel better. Whatever your son's reaction to the letter (or lack of), it's very difficult to accept that it's not about us (the loved ones and family members). It's about the addiction. He's addicted to drugs. He's just doing what addicts do.

(((hugs)))

I know it's completely FRUSTRATING.
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Old 08-18-2008, 09:42 PM
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Rozied, I think about writing to my AS also. It does take a lot of thought. Remember you don't have to do it today, you can add and subtract, until you feel comfortable with the letter you are sending. I know you feel he is a part of his nanas increased health problems, but I'm not sure you should write and particularly blame him. Just let him know her health is getting worse, and its best not to be demanding of her, nor bring any added stress to her. She is elderly.

Let him know your feelings about sending money, whether you choose to or not.

Huggs,
NH7
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Old 08-18-2008, 11:56 PM
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Does he have a phone? Instead of a letter, can you have a conversation?

I think it is good for us to let our A know about our boundaries and expectations
for family relationships.
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Old 08-19-2008, 12:11 PM
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He is in jail & I have a collect block on my phone. He doesn't respect my boundaries & runs up hugh bills if I let him.
I didn't blame him for my mom's health problems just let him know at her age she cannot take the added stress anymore.
Believe me she is not that sick. She just had a few episodes of her bp going up.
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