Circle or cycle........ either way.....
 

I am taking the steps in breaking it.

I don't know if it is a good idea to keep posting here because I am so raw in how I am feeling..... and I feel that it's just going to hurt my guy - and I don't want to hurt him. However, that may change and he will be from a place of recovery and will understand that I am too.

As most of you know, I have been in turmoil - literally flared up with the allergy reaction of this disease since December. However; over these last 8 months, I have been trying to remedy it. I truly believe that the remedy for me has been SR and al-anon - as well as learning so much about this addiction and how it effects him, but also me.

We have not spoken since he left Monday night, but we have shared a couple of text messages.

I told him that I couldn't believe that he let the other guy win. He replied saying that he didn't and that he was sober (lie).... and that he still is (which is probably not true, or at least just a few days clean). He told me what he couldn't believe is that he let the frustration and anger take over and control him on Monday. And that he misses us and loves us very much.
My response to that message was that Anger and Frustration is because of the other guy. That he is going to have these same demons whether he uses or not. And if he uses then the other guy is going to take over. I told him that I was pissed as hell at that other guy; however, if he is telling me that he is sober and it's not that other guy - then I'm pissed as hell at him! I also told him that I'm not ready to talk about this with him and that I'm going to need a lot of time to take care of myself.

Now, he is telling me all that he wants. And I do not want to hear about anything that he wants that comes in the way of what he needs from me. He has to do what is best for him.... he needs to truly hit bottom and then work his way up..... and then we can talk when we are both on the same level - which isn't that far from where he is at currently (if he doesn't go further down). I want to be able to say all of this to him, without coming from a place of emotion - but I'm not there yet. I'm still very emotionally tied up in this. We ARE soul mates.... we do have a connection..... but I am so broken - it did and it still does take so much out of me.

The boys start school tomorrow, we are going to be putting in a good few hours on their school supplies and getting their school clothes sorted out. I'm trying to keep moving, and it's not easy. He is the first thing on my mind when I go to sleep and the first thing on my mind when I wake up.

He thinks that me drug testing him randomly a couple times a week works for him; however, that doesn't work for me. The same reason, I never drug tested him in the past, is because I don't want the worry and concern about what my part is going to be if it does show up positive - or if he fights me on it. I couldn't even handle a week in active addiction!!!! Like I have said, I can do honesty - not lies. I can do recovery - not addiction. So basically, what he is *really* telling me is that he just needed to go out and see one last time at the risk of making me (the one he totally and completely loves) - CRAZY! Did he honestly think I wouldn't get to this place - that I can't do this anymore? This is not new to me - Back in January he told me that he had quit. While I doubted that was true - I kept believing him because I too was in denial. This is all too familiar of those times! The only difference now is that it's not just me being effected by this - the children now have been effected as well.

I still believe that this is the other guy talking and/or he is scared and wants his sanctuary back. I provide that for him. We do have an incredible bond, but it is not strong enough to help him beat this addiction - he has to do that all on his own - and most importantly it can't be for anyone, but himself.

My heart is breaking saying all of this, and it hurts even worse doing it. This isn't so much about how I feel, but what I know about this disease. I can't control it, I can't cure it, and I can't cause it. I'm sticking with al-anon because this has been a pattern for me. I love him - but the more I love him - I am killing him. I hate this disease SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When we're raw we're finally honest with ourselves. I hadn't found this website yet when I was going through all the raw emotions. If I had, it would have been ugly and probably scared everyone.

If he comes here looking to see your honesty that is his choice. If he doesn't want that he won't look. Worry about you because he sure isn't.

abs - I totally know how you feel. Out one day, in the next. Just before rehab I felt that I was about to close the door on this chapter of my life. During rehab, I was looking back in the door to make sure I was doing the right thing. Now after he was kicked out, I'm in limbo again.

You know I"m starting to slowly realize that I may not have a choice but to leave him. Yes, it will hurt, but it can't hurt any more than all of the drama that I've lived. In reality AH has never been what I've needed. Never an equal partner, never someone to take things upon himself etc. With him being at his mom's I'm trying to limit contact with him etc. But I tell you, I've done this dance for about 15 +- years. At 37 years old, I just want to be happy. I want to trust, to smile, to love. I AM truely starting to see the addiction side of it from my point of view. My addiction to him. Read Chino's signature line. I've always had the immature love. It may be love in his capability, but it's never satisfied me. But I am on the same teeter totter that you are. Up one day, down the next. The only thing that I can suggest is cut contact - all contact, even text until you can put enough time and space in this to make a concrete decision.

Well....... I got the boy's clothes all sorted out for the school year.... out with the old in with the new. Bags and Bags of clothes that are going down in the family of boys (cousins/friends)!

That was a good job done!!!!!! :)

I got another text from him that he was coming back down from the mountains.... and that he is going to do anything for us to be a family again.

Callie----- it's just like that signature line! I am now thinking about what I need. I need my partner to be there for me just as much as I am there for him..... and that doesn't mean that him picking up the pieces is being there for me!

I'm not ready to talk with him about any of this.

I hope you honour yourself and not talk about this with him until you are ready, he can wait and respect your needs.

Chino...... that is such a good point!!!!! Although, on Monday night last week (the night he left).... he said he came on here and saw that I had written about sharing with my best friend and that I had a "plan"...... he said that he felt betrayed by me for sharing our story ... "airing dirty laundry". What absolutely hurts is that out of that "my relapse" thread..... that is all he took from it. I know that is a form of addict manipulation, though. But it still does really hurt.

I think he came here because he was really unsure of just what I was going to do. Well - I was very clear with him that I wasn't sure how long I was going to be able to handle just asking him when he "looked a bit off"... and waiting for him to tell me that he did get high. He didn't get back into recovery - instead he just kept getting high..... his recovery plan was all about making lists and checking items off - and working his business.
He has known about this site - and only has come twice (that I know of) - last week..... and then another time back in January.

I think I will probably keep coming back..... it has been such a tool in my personal recovery.

So- the boys don't start school tomorrow! LOL! They start on Tuesday - which is a nice surprise! :)

I have not spoken with him .... for once, I want to stick with meaning what I say..... which was - go to an SLE..... and then we can see what happens. IDK....... I just know I don't want him moving back in here. Mostly because of the boys and the confusion.

I told their father today that my guy had moved out. He really liked him and knows how much I love him. He asked why and I told him it was because he lied to me.... and that he kept going back up to the mountains. He asked if it was for partying and I said I guess. He asked if it was for another woman.... and I told him I didn't know why - that I didn't know exactly what he was up to while there. Anyway, he understood, but I could tell he was sad. He was really excited about the boys having a male figure in the household - he felt that my guy was a positive in the boy's lives.

This whole thing is so sad to me. I mean what would even be the odds that we could work it out months or a year down the road? I probably shouldn't be thinking about that right now. I feel like first, I need to just get strong for myself and my boys. Also work on how to be in an interpersonal relationship. Which is going to take some time by working on just myself.

I just got another text from him and he wanted to come by to drop some things off and see us. I told him that right now I'd rather the boys have their focus on their joy which is starting school this week, and that I'm not ready to see him.

I am literally in a state of flux.... from one day to the next.... I'd rather get some consistency and know for sure before I see him.

::: sigh :::......... how could he have not known that this was going to happen? I told him ... he knew.... I was never un-clear.

Abundance, I hear what "he" wants, it is still all about him. You are wise to protect yourself and your boys from the emotional roller coaster that comes with loving an addict.

If he wants to get clean and stay clean, his actions will speak louder than any words.

Time will let events unfold as they may, until then just keep taking good care of yourself and your boys.

Hugs

My AH do the same thing. Take what he needed from whatever I said/posted. Anything that would help "his" case. He never saw the pain, turmoil that I was in. It was all about what he could gain. He was/is seeing things from an addicts eyes.

My advice is NOT to see him, to CUT or severely limit contact with him for a while. Not a day, not a week, but until you have enough time to have solid footing without him. You are "unstable" right now in what you want. KWIM? I know that feeling right now myself. He's trying to work his way back in your life text by text. It will only happen if you let it. One week in the mountains isn't going to fix what needs fixed IMHO. Hang in their abs, go to meetings, reread CD No More. Whatever you need to do to make your decisions about you and your boys and not about him.

(((Abundance)))

I think you are doing pretty darn good! I know you don't FEEL like it, but you are focusing on what YOU want, and limiting contact.

I hope you can keep staying away from him. If he really wants to do everything he can to get your family back together, he will. You've already told him what you will accept.

As far as why he didn't listen to you when you TOLD him what would happen? Honestly, haven't you set boundaries before that you didn't keep? I know I did.

We addicts will go to any extreme to keep using AND keep our enablers enabling. We'll tell you what you want to hear, we may even straighten up for a little while. It takes TIME, to prove (by our actions) that we are in recovery. I had months clean, working at recovery, but my family STILL worried if I was late coming home from work, or they didn't know where I was. I consistently called them when I was late, I paid my bills, and let them know where I was. I'm almost 47 years old, WAY too old to be held accountable, but I don't mind. I robbed them of their peace of mind for 2 years. It's the least I can do, and it's just common courtesy.

Stay strong and stay away from him. Let him SHOW you he wants to work at recovery.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

When my daughter was in rehab it occurred to me this whole thing is a lot like dealing with little kids. When we tell them no or ground them, only to cave in later, we let them know we're inconsistent and they run all over us.

Same thing goes for an employer or a partner. Pushing the envelope or manipulation, its all the same no matter the age or status.

Well.... after a ton of text messages.... I prayed on it. And I let him come over. He stayed for a few hours, and we stayed outside talking the majority of the time, except for about a half hour inside. I'll tell you what guys.... it's a good thing I know so much about this disease, so I had my codie armor on. I think he was hoping that I was just going to wrap him up and make him feel secure. He was saying things like I need you - to which I rebutted with ... that doesn't work. That is not healthy - and that he needs to be able to do this on his own. I explained everything I have been saying on here. He told me about his week in the mountains and that he had hit rock bottom. I explained that if he can not understand that I need time to heal w/out him here - then he has not hit bottom nor is in the mode of recovery. It was so late at night, I feel as though my words weren't coming off right.

Anyway..... I went to sleep and prayed for guidance. I woke up this morning and I prayed again. I knew that he was just going to sleep in his car last night, because there was no point in a hotel..... and I had an idea where he was staying. So when I went out to get a mocha... I stopped by his van. He was sleeping. I invited him into my van and we went through the drive thru together. I told him that I understood how it felt when your world stops moving and everyone else's is still going. I told him again that his coming from a place of what he wants is not acceptable for me. I told him that I don't want to hear anything about what he is going to do - it only gives me expectations of him that i don't want right now. I'd rather just see him make it happen. I suggested he go to some rooms before he makes a decision on what he is going to do and that he goes through a detox. On Friday, he said that he tried to kill the "other guy" by eating 12 80's - and he woke up hanging out of his car with puke all over him. He says that was his bottom.... that he tried to kill himself and woke up. A part of me - doesn't know if I believe him if that really happened, but then another part of me thinks it very well could be the truth. Fortunately, after that happened - he spent about 16 hours working in a shop with a friend, who is an a RA - and was surrounded in white light.

::sigh::....... he wants to come home and there is NO WAY ....... like NO WAY JOSE ... kind of no way. If he wants this bad enough, then he will figure out how to do it on his own. If not, then he has not reached bottom. I will support him in recovery, but not at the stake of my sanity and my boys world. I can not risk another time of what I went through.

When we parted.... he said that he needs to keep his mouth shut and just do it, and I told him.... YES.... that is correct. That I too had that realization a few days ago. It takes way too much energy just thinking and thinking and thinking and talking. Action is where it's at. I told him that I have only expectation in my Higher Power .... that I have given it to Him - and to just keep moving along - keeping my side of the street clean........ and that I KNOW by doing that I will be safe.

Whether he does or doesn't do this.... it's out of my hands. I am focused on what it is that I am doing. That is all I can do.

Ann --- basically - you just said it all in those few sentences.

Callie - you are absolutely correct - one week in the mountains is not the fix.... the fix is in his actions now! I am un-stable, but when I saw him, I stayed in my codie armor.

Amy - your ESH speaks to me like you wouldn't believe! He does have to show me .... not just tell me. You are absolutely right about Yep..... i sure have done that.

Chino -........ you are dead on. I was thinking about that with my boys. I ground them and take things away from them... and I stay consistent in doing so. I believe that has been successful, thus far. Consistency. However, with an adult, how would I do that? By treating my self with self-respect. That is how! And in this case - it is sticking within my boundaries and seeing results via action. Talk is cheap.

It's out of my hands..... and in my HP's!

Last night he told me he was changing his phone numbers........ well..... he called about 2 hours ago (not a different number). I will NOT answer his calls/texts....... until they are from a different number. Is that controlling? No..... I don't think so. It's me just showing him that I will not fall back into the same pattern ...... which is "this is what I'm going to do........... and not doing it."

Abs - I normally wouldn't say this but I feel like I "know" you. You need Anvil in your face. Sorry to be blunt - you may be mad, but am saying this in your OWN best interest. You are falling back into his grips and I don't want that for you girl. Take the time to step back FOR YOURSELF. That doesn't mean you have to abandon him, but just that you have to protect yourself and stay on YOUR path. If he can catch up, fine. If not - it's his loss. Just callin' it like I'd want it pointed out to me. Hopefully you understand that I'm sayin' this for your own benefit.

Callie.... LOL...... An Anvil clone! Ya know.... her foot is so up my arse..... but I really see it all in hindsight still.

I just felt that if I didn't see him last night I wasn't being true to myself. I'm really okay..... I'm detached in the most loving way. Yeah... I guess my actions aren't totally showing it. But man I do feel in a better place than I did just a few days ago. I've really let go in regards to believing the words. For me now, it's holding onto his actions. He has got to show actions. He was telling me last night that in order to do all these actions he needs to living here, well...... that is addict mindset.... and not an RA mindset. I know the difference now!

He says in one breath that he knows he has said it all before, but *this time* is different, but then in the other than he can't do it unless he is under this roof. WTF? NO! That is not OKAY. It is not okay with me. Does it mean I don't love him? NO...... It means that I have to see it now to believe it. So... if he is really serious about this then he will take the steps to prove his self-worth to me. I'm too old for this Bull $#%@! How could I look my boys in the eyes and rear them right after the wrong he has done me and take him back without proving himself to me first?

I actually even talked with them today about forgiveness. That it's okay to forgive..... but not lose your self respect in doing so. They actually got it.

Seriously, this is not rocket science. We learned all of this in kindergarten! Common decency and respect. He is just a few days clean and is not thinking straight. Am I scared that he may not feel the same about me when he is clean? That maybe he doesn't want me anymore when he is sober. Meh... maybe? But I'm not going to sacrifice myself and my boys on that fear. It's future tripping anyway. I know what we have is special.... but I've also reached my threshold with this damn disease! I know too much about it now.

I felt that me seeing him and telling him this face to face instead of text messaging and so forth..... is what *I* needed to do for me.

Anyway..... he has not changed his numbers that I know of.... and if he is going to act like a grounded 14 year old sulky child about it...... then it just shows me..... A. he is full of $#%^....... or B. he still has not hit his bottom.

He lied to me THREE times in 6 days. THAT IS NOT OKAY!

I sound angry don't I ? I'm angry with myself.... because I just put myself right back into the lion's den..... giving him another chance. He is probably thinking right now...... it's not worth all of this.... she doesn't really love me. But again, that is because of the addict mind set.... if he were not at that place... he would see that I am doing it with love. Just like me going to wake him up this morning - I did that with love, and I told him to allow himself some time to detox and get all of it out of his system........ and to be kind to himself. But that was probably not the right advice. I came from a nurturing stand point.

Like I told him, I will tell myself....... time will heal.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!! Where's that sign????? :codiepolice

........and I just got a text message from him saying that he has tried and goodbye.

*Not sure if it's emotional black mail or what. But his phones are off..... and I have no idea where he is.

I am powerless over this addiction......... I can't control it, cause it, or cure it.

Pray........

I am so sorry this is happening
 

Abundance, I am so sorry you are going thru this again.

All I can say is trust in GOD to take care of him and you take care of you and the boys. It sounds like he is trying emotional blackmail to get you to change your mind and if not at least you have your answer as to what happens when you stand your ground.

Good luck and know that you are in my prayers,
Barb

Anvil........ I'm scared he is going to off himself. He feels as though he has nowhere to go.... but here.

My sister tells me I have to be cruel to be kind........

This is just not the disease..... this is a human being..... a soul....

He is calling my actions as being tit for tat! How in the hell is by me being protective of myself now ...... doing just that????????????

I don't like rules.... I really really don't. I obviously have issues with boundaries ..... and it's like I'm fighting them.

I really believe he wants to get better....I think he has a dual diagnosis thing going on.

I find it easier to draw boundaries for my own behavior than for other people... I identify what my goals and morals and values are, and then define how I will act based on those values. If people treat me in a certain way and violate my values, I cannot let them be part of my life and still consider those things my values.

For example, respect for others is an important value to me. But, I can not have self-respect if I allow other people to be disrespectful to me. Therefore I will hang out with people who treat me with respect.

Then it's not like I'm trying to control other people. It's just that I am defining what is and isn't acceptable to me.

My ex can act however he likes, however, I will not be a part of it because it doesn't fit in with my personal values. So sad if he doesnt like that. But I have personal boundaries.

Your ex is going to off himself whether you are there or not. You cannot stop a person who is serious about committing suicide from committing suicide. If you are truly concerned, call 9-1-1 and let the professionals handle it.