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Circle or cycle........ either way.....

Old 08-19-2008, 06:35 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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HK..... thank you. I totally see where you are coming from. It's what I've learned big time to take from this experience. Why i can not do it with my partner, my man, I have no idea. I'm taking the lessons and teachings to find out why. I feel so drained after seeing him. I feel like I was doing really well just a few days leading up to it..... and now bam.... I'm just so heavy, over tired, and drained.

Anvil.... I don't even know how to respond to what you wrote. A part of me wishes or actually a lot of me wishes I had as much courage. I look back on this relationship and I can see now how the disease of addiction has just totally taken over me. The only way I can step in and be on his same level with all of this, is by coming down to the irrationality of the addiction. This is not him..... but it is him right now. His story of how it all unfolded.... he told me last night that he said the reason why I was upset is because after about 9 days or so of him using and being sober that I wasn't trusting him (before he moved out).... that I was holding him/relationship hostage. He doesn't even have the timeline and/or the events down right.

Well.... he didn't off himself last night..... THANK GOD.... but he did head on up back to the mountains. It was such a drama filled night with a shared friend trying to help him as she was concerned about his mental state, as well. Last I heard was that he was sleeping there until 1pm...... but was told he could stay there for a few days to sober up. Who knows if he does it. I really feel as though I'm the hostage now. THIS DISEASE takes us all hostage!!!!! But that is our choice isn't it?

Chino...... my answer to that question is..... yes.

I feel broken and sick from this. I feel as though I'll never forgive myself if he does OD or commit suicide ..... when all I had to say was come home... and lets give it another round...... regardless of the risk of my sanity.

That is who I am... I am a co-dependent. I will put his feelings ahead of mine.... and what ticks me off the most is that I am allowing that disease to run/ruin me. When i get strong and want to protect myself, it's because I'm fighting that damn disease... that 3 headed dragon - the monster.

I'm so spent.
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Old 08-19-2008, 06:55 PM
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Abs, you do have that much courage, it's just misdirected. You're using all of it fighting his disease instead of your own disorder. Who is left to fight for your children's reality? He's a hostage, you're a hostage, and you're both taking prisoners -- your children.
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Old 08-19-2008, 07:12 PM
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Right Chino..... you are right.

He said he wanted to talk today...... and he hasn't called. It's all on his terms isn't it? It's as though mine don't matter. The only way I can make mine matter is if I continue just looking after myself and just let him be. And until he is finally showing by action that he is in recovery - why should I be wasting my precious time? Because he isn't taking any steps at all to make this work. Even though, he feels that moving home is the answer, it's really not. It's just band aiding the wound that needs treatment.

By facing the reality - I become someone that I can only depend on. I can only rely on myself and my sensations. This is all too familiar of what it was like months ago. Which I have worked so hard to get away from. It is totally and completely out of my control what he does or doesn't do. It is truly just up to me to find that space of calm and serenity. I can't find it from anyone else - other than me. Just as he can't be sober because of me or for me.

Thanks Chino....... you are absolutely correct. When I sent my boys off to school today for their first day..... I didn't get a kiss but only a quick hug from my oldest..... and then my 8 year old felt bad and quickly gave me a peck before dashing out of the car. Those are the moments for me to be reflecting on........... not what my addict boyfriend is or isn't doing with HIS life.
My children do not deserve to see my presence being harmed and feeling sad and confused over something in which I have no control over.

Last edited by Abundance; 08-19-2008 at 07:41 PM.
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Old 08-20-2008, 09:46 AM
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What harms you harms them. Anything that harms anyone living in your home, harms your children. Figuring out which things are avoidable is the key.

When my daughter was active in addiction it caused all sorts of problems for us. My husband wasn't getting enough sleep and started nodding off at the wheel. My blood pressure was starting to climb and I was getting stabbing pains in my temples. I was a stroke waiting to happen.

Because we own our business with two other partners and have over 100 employees with families, they all depend on us and we take that responsibility seriously. That's right around 400 people we were allowing our daughter's addiction to affect. The ripple effect is no joke.

When our kids were in school I used to tell them to use the bus ride home to let go of any negativity. That when they walked in the door, remember they were at HOME, not school. They did a really good job of it, same with us and work.

When addiction was active in our home, there was nowhere to hide. We couldn't control our daughters addiction but we could control our personal haven, our home. It is our sanctuary and where we retreat to every day for R&R. The addiction had to find another place to live.

Hugs to you Abs.
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Old 08-20-2008, 12:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Chino View Post
When our kids were in school I used to tell them to use the bus ride home to let go of any negativity. That when they walked in the door, remember they were at HOME, not school. They did a really good job of it, same with us and work.

The addiction had to find another place to live.
Chino..... that is great ESH!!! My oldest is riding his bike to school for the first time today (5th grade) - and they both have been doing olympic swimming training (creative play) - and lots of break dancing! All three of us have been dancing together so much.... just releasing all this energy. It is healing.

My oldest who is 10 has seen 10 DMB shows..... he loves them almost more than I do. Anywho.... in rememberance of Leroi and in celebration of his life.... we all danced around the living room together sharing love to a song. And we said a prayer for Leroi and his family. Earlier, my oldest asked if it was unhealthy to be listening to DMB at a time like this - and I responded "no"... that it's giving our respects to him.

THAT is what our home is made of! We have a love energy field - and addiction WILL destroy it! Lets say... I am an almighty woman who can find serenity in it... fine. However, my boys - are not deserving of being put in such the situation to begin with. ME - I'm an adult - FINE - it's my choice. But it's not their choice. It would in the end be their choice to seek help to put their head around it when they are adults. WHY in the world would I set them up for that???????

He can't see that....... I can say that until I'm blue in the face....... but he does not get that!

NO ..... is a complete sentence. End of story.
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