What should I do?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
good for you and your DIL on the meetings.
You can actually buy drug screens over-the-counter at any pharmacy, but I would go to a lab that does it. The OTC ones aren't as accurate, and I don't think the lab ones are that expensive, but much more accurate.
I have a feeling, though, you won't need the drug screen...he'll either refuse it or admit what he's been doing.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
You can actually buy drug screens over-the-counter at any pharmacy, but I would go to a lab that does it. The OTC ones aren't as accurate, and I don't think the lab ones are that expensive, but much more accurate.
I have a feeling, though, you won't need the drug screen...he'll either refuse it or admit what he's been doing.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by Impurrfect 
good for you and your DIL on the meetings.
You can actually buy drug screens over-the-counter at any pharmacy, but I would go to a lab that does it. The OTC ones aren't as accurate, and I don't think the lab ones are that expensive, but much more accurate.
I have a feeling, though, you won't need the drug screen...he'll either refuse it or admit what he's been doing.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
You can actually buy drug screens over-the-counter at any pharmacy, but I would go to a lab that does it. The OTC ones aren't as accurate, and I don't think the lab ones are that expensive, but much more accurate.
I have a feeling, though, you won't need the drug screen...he'll either refuse it or admit what he's been doing.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
KariSue
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Well we did it. I thought it went well but my DIL thought it went badly. I guess it's all what you were expecting. She expected him to say yes he was using and say he wanted help and agree to it. I honestly didn't know what to expect. I was hoping for the minimum that he wouldn't get mad and walk out and not even listen to us. He almost walked out once but my husband said something that made him turn around and come back.
We were all calm. He said he wasn't using. We told him we had been seeing red flags and he asked what they were so we told him. Missing money more than once, falling asleep while eating twice (he did that before when he was on something), hard to wake up sometimes, a phone call from a stranger at midnight and that same number in his wallet with no name, and generally sneaky and evasive behavior. He was mostly just very quiet and saying he wasn't doing anything. I told him that we wanted him to go to counseling and take drug tests and he said he would take any drug test we wanted him to but no counseling. He's been there done that when he was a teen and did drug court.
I told him his wife and I were going to start going to NarAnon meetings next week. My husband brought up some issues also.
We think he just agreed to drug tests because he may think we won't follow through but we will. So the rest of the night he's just been quiet.
I figure at least we put him on notice and told him our boundaries. They are: If he doesn't take the drug tests or fails them he can't live with us and if he ever gets arrested we won't bail him out, pay for a lawyer, nothing. He's on his own. Been there done that when he was a teen the first time.
Thanks for listening.
KariSue
We were all calm. He said he wasn't using. We told him we had been seeing red flags and he asked what they were so we told him. Missing money more than once, falling asleep while eating twice (he did that before when he was on something), hard to wake up sometimes, a phone call from a stranger at midnight and that same number in his wallet with no name, and generally sneaky and evasive behavior. He was mostly just very quiet and saying he wasn't doing anything. I told him that we wanted him to go to counseling and take drug tests and he said he would take any drug test we wanted him to but no counseling. He's been there done that when he was a teen and did drug court.
I told him his wife and I were going to start going to NarAnon meetings next week. My husband brought up some issues also.
We think he just agreed to drug tests because he may think we won't follow through but we will. So the rest of the night he's just been quiet.
I figure at least we put him on notice and told him our boundaries. They are: If he doesn't take the drug tests or fails them he can't live with us and if he ever gets arrested we won't bail him out, pay for a lawyer, nothing. He's on his own. Been there done that when he was a teen the first time.
Thanks for listening.
KariSue
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Glad you had the conversation and have set some boundaries that are comfortable for you. I was not ready at the time to ask my daughter to leave either, but gradually my boundary was that as long as she was working recovery she could stay...If not or if she used in our home, she had to leave.
There were also boundaries about acceptable behavior. I finally got to the point where I didn't want to play detective and gather clues or check pupils. There was certain behavior that just was not acceptable...sleeping all the time, failing to assume the responsibilities she was given, not having a job, not being considerate in terms of when she came home, when the phone rang, etc. and certainly treating her family with respect. The boundaries were for me, for our family so the drama and chaos would end.
Sending prayers for you and your family. I hope he does the next right thing.
I'm glad you are finding a face to face meeting too - I find them so incredibly helpful.
There were also boundaries about acceptable behavior. I finally got to the point where I didn't want to play detective and gather clues or check pupils. There was certain behavior that just was not acceptable...sleeping all the time, failing to assume the responsibilities she was given, not having a job, not being considerate in terms of when she came home, when the phone rang, etc. and certainly treating her family with respect. The boundaries were for me, for our family so the drama and chaos would end.
Sending prayers for you and your family. I hope he does the next right thing.
I'm glad you are finding a face to face meeting too - I find them so incredibly helpful.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Just a thought. If you gave him counseling and drug testing as boundaries, and now you've nixed out the counseling because he's dictating the boundaries, it doesn't do much good to set boundaries.
An addict will always try negotiating, rationalizing, and twisting things around.
I certainly did while I was actively using.
An addict will always try negotiating, rationalizing, and twisting things around.
I certainly did while I was actively using.
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
Originally Posted by KariSue
Thank you so much everyone.
The latest is that he finally admitted to his wife that he has a problem. This is something new for him. He has always denied it before. He says he wants a sponsor and wants to get help. I think he really means it and I hope so much that he does. When I actually see him do it then I'll believe it.
KariSue
The latest is that he finally admitted to his wife that he has a problem. This is something new for him. He has always denied it before. He says he wants a sponsor and wants to get help. I think he really means it and I hope so much that he does. When I actually see him do it then I'll believe it.
KariSue
Be very careful of this statement!! It's been used many times by many addicts who figured out that their secret was out.
This is another one of their defense mechanisms for manipulation.
I don't mean to rain on your parade but I'm speaking from experience.
good luck
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