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I think I win the biggest idiot prize...

Old 08-16-2008, 12:13 PM
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I think I win the biggest idiot prize...

So my niece (meth addict) has been out of the workhouse for a year. She's back in jail now becuase she was using and selling.

So- she calls my sister and says that since she's in jail she came clean with her po and told her p.o. that she has been using for the past 2 years and just figured out how to slip past the regular UA's that they require for probation.

That means that she was never clean. Not in rehab, not in the workhouse and not since she's gotten out.

She did fail to come clean with the p.o. about dealing drugs, but I suppose and addict thinks that's just an irrelevant detail (sarcasm, sorry).

So - how big of an idiot am I? She's been living (sort of) in my home for the past year. I felt comfortable that all her UA's were clean, but was concerned that she kept dating idiots and people she met at the workhouse. And I was concerned that she could never keep a job for more than a day or two - and that she never followed through on what she said she was going to do. But she always seemed to have enough money (can I be a bigger idiot???)

My husband had been worried all along (he has a much more balanced perspective that I). So, I guess I should have looked at the behavior and not the UA's or what she was saying. One consolation is that her p.o. was completely taken in as well.

A counselor once told me that if she was not addicted, she would be doing the things a normal person does at her age (27) - get a job, save for the future, connect with family, follow through on commitments, etc. She did none of this and I kept believing her words, not her actions.

I feel like a complete idiot. I shouldn't be allowed out after dark alone...

Needless to say, she will never live in my home again. I am feeling some anger and bitterness. I can't trust her and I can't trust myself with her... so all I know to do is to give her to God, grieve my loss and try to have a life.

Thanks for listening. You guys are great and are a wonderful comfort to me.
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Old 08-16-2008, 12:25 PM
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Troubledone

Don't keep beating yourself up over this, addicts are very cunning and deceitful. The drugs they are on make them tell anyone anything just so they can keep doing what they want.
If her PO was fooled than you shouldn't feel so bad, they are trained to spot that kind of behavior, we aren't. When we love someone, that love blinds us and makes us miss the signs we might notice in others.
Forgive yourself, and as you say, give it to your HP to take care. Reset the boundaries that are in your best interest, work toward your peace, and trust in your HP to help you stay strong. I know from experience with my RAS that this is the hardest thing to do but very neccessary. We all get drawn in over and over again, the important thing to remeber is whether we have learned from it, and don't repeat it.
My prayers are with you and your family,
:praying
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Old 08-16-2008, 12:49 PM
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Someday she could very well be in recovery. Don't write her off, just protect yourself as you are doing. For now she is an addict and acting the way addicts do.

If she does get into recovery, one day she may be able to make amends and at that time you may be able to offer forgiveness. I hope she gets clean some day.

My 24 yr. old son has been inpatient recovering for 6 mos. now. He is returning to the smart, caring, honest person he is capable of. We are learning that he also has mental health issues. The past is the past. Today he is doing well. For the 5 yrs. he was using
he was not allowed to live with us. But I always let him know I would stand beside
him in recovery. He needed help to come to it.

One day your niece just might be able to ask for help.
For now you are disappointed in her. The disease of addiction is powerful.
There is always hope.
In the meantime detachment can help you recover from the disappointment.
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Old 08-16-2008, 01:20 PM
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You did a nice thing in trying to help her get a start in her sobriety. You are not an idiot, just bamboozled by an active addict and I think we've all gone through that once or twice.

Perhaps her perspective of seeing how she could be living if she gave it up, will help her this round in jail.

I don't think any time was wasted, that you spent showing her love. I'm just glad you didn't get hurt worse.

Hugs
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Old 08-16-2008, 01:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Troubledone View Post
So my niece (meth addict) has been out of the workhouse for a year. She's back in jail now becuase she was using and selling.

So- she calls my sister and says that since she's in jail she came clean with her po and told her p.o. that she has been using for the past 2 years and just figured out how to slip past the regular UA's that they require for probation.

That means that she was never clean. Not in rehab, not in the workhouse and not since she's gotten out.

She did fail to come clean with the p.o. about dealing drugs, but I suppose and addict thinks that's just an irrelevant detail (sarcasm, sorry).

So - how big of an idiot am I? She's been living (sort of) in my home for the past year. I felt comfortable that all her UA's were clean, but was concerned that she kept dating idiots and people she met at the workhouse. And I was concerned that she could never keep a job for more than a day or two - and that she never followed through on what she said she was going to do. But she always seemed to have enough money (can I be a bigger idiot???)

My husband had been worried all along (he has a much more balanced perspective that I). So, I guess I should have looked at the behavior and not the UA's or what she was saying. One consolation is that her p.o. was completely taken in as well.

A counselor once told me that if she was not addicted, she would be doing the things a normal person does at her age (27) - get a job, save for the future, connect with family, follow through on commitments, etc. She did none of this and I kept believing her words, not her actions.

I feel like a complete idiot. I shouldn't be allowed out after dark alone...

Needless to say, she will never live in my home again. I am feeling some anger and bitterness. I can't trust her and I can't trust myself with her... so all I know to do is to give her to God, grieve my loss and try to have a life.

Thanks for listening. You guys are great and are a wonderful comfort to me.


Meth is a scary drug. When I was using, I had been seeing the same therapist I had been for quite a while. I was using while I was seeing
her. Once before she knew and then once when I relapsed.
She did not know either time. I was good at what I did.
I remember grabbing a quit hit with my pinkie nail on the way to her
office, her just a few steps ahead of me.....

My therapist works at one of the best hospitals there is, had a waiting
list to see her, and I couldn't say enough good things about her.
But she did not know.

People trained like your neice's p.o., my therapist, etc. etc.
don't see it, we are good at protecting what we are too scared to give up.

Your not an idiot, just a human being with a heart who loves
her niece. You did nothing wrong.

The addiction in us will do what it has to, to protect itself, you are not
at fault for that, nor are you an idiot. She just isn't ready yet...

:ghug3
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Old 08-16-2008, 02:00 PM
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A little over two years ago, I bailed my daughter out of the mess she had made of her life with her then 36 year old crack addict boyfriend. For four months prior to the bailout we had minimal contact and she lived 2 blocks away. She did not work and was living with this man. She told me they had no sexual contact. She slept in the same bed with him because she was lonely. She also told me she only had done drugs 4 times in the 4 months that she was with him. She said drugs were not her problem. I believed her even though just before meeting this man she had been in rehab because she used oxycontin daily. Then less than 3 months after bailing her out she went back to him. For the next 7 months we had little contact but she still denied that she was doing drugs. Even though all the red flags were there I wanted to believe her. When she came to me at Christmas of that year and asked for help for rehab, I was so angry that I had let myself be fooled by her that I told her to go away and find the rehab herself. It took her another year and a half to finally be willing to deal with her addiction. By that time I was no longer angry because I armed myself with the information that I needed to understand that her addiction was not personal. She was sick and she was just doing what addicts do. She did not mean to hurt me and that she was hurting inside too. She now has 82 days clean and I pray everyday for it to continue. But I know she could relapse and so I protect myself and have told her that she can't use here. The decision to use is hers, the decision to not be in the chaos is mine. So I guess the point of this is that hindsight is 20/20, addicts are really good at fooling those that love them, and that you need to be gentle with yourself. Anger is good if it helps you detach. Sorry so long. Hugs, Marle
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Old 08-16-2008, 02:36 PM
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We all want so desperately to believe the words we hear.

Actions either validate or betray the words.


Don't beat yourself up. Nothing is ever as it appears when you are dealing with addiction.
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Old 08-16-2008, 03:22 PM
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Troubledone,

I can't add much more than what everyone else has said, and they have all said it really well. I pray for you, that you find peace and serenity. That you are comfortable with setting new boundaries and sticking to them. I know it will be hard but sounds like you know you have to protect yourself going forward.

Much of the same things I need to work on with my AS.

What amazes me is how addicts can pass UAs??? How can put any faith in anything if they are required to take the UAs and seem to pass them?
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Old 08-16-2008, 06:23 PM
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Thanks so much to everyone who replied. I appreciate everything that was said.

I particularly appreciate the perspective that addicts can really be crafty, even with trained personnel. I guess that makes me feel a little less of a fool.

Thanks also for the advice about boundaries. I've told my niece that she can't live here. After lying to me so long, there is no trust left and I won't have someone I don't trust in my house. Not to mention the criminal element she calls friends that she brings by when she lives here.

My husband's position is that he doesn't want to even see her until she's at step 9...

And - I am now seeing that she is to me what meth is to her - she's a very clever girl and I'm no match for her when she's actively using so, just like any other addict, I feel like I need full abstinance until she's in active recovery.

thanks agian all... you're the best!
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Old 08-16-2008, 07:28 PM
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Troubledone, I do hope that you can let go of the feeling of being foolish...it's absolutely not the case. I really can't add to what has been said so well here, other than to say I understand your fellings; I have had them too...Believing because i wanted it so badly for my child. I'm very glad you were not hurt financially and pray that the emotional pain eases as you focus on your own recovery. Prayers too that your niece finds real recovery soon.
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Old 08-17-2008, 08:26 AM
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sweetie, you're not an idiot.

I was going to IOP 3 times a week for 6 weeks, for abusing opiates. My 1st XABF introduced me to crack, and I smoked it the night I went to IOP to "graduate". Sick, but true. I was surrounded by recovering addicts/counselors and THEY didn't know.

You've learned a lesson and you're setting boundaries....all good things, so stop beating yourself up, okay?

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 08-17-2008, 08:50 AM
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NO idiot, just a caring person who gave someone a chance.
Now you know what you know, and can adjust your reactions.

Besides, it will take you a few more whoop's to match my trophy collection. I've won the "idiot", the "duped", the "never guessed" and the "Oh what the hell" award for several consecutive years. The last being my personal favorite
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Old 08-17-2008, 09:03 AM
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Prayers going out for both of you ... niece and yourself.

I was in denial so bad when my kid was first using meth - she used from 7th grade until 11th grade before I 'knew'. I swore I would never be tricked again. WRONG!!!

This last time, she was using actively, my husband knew it, and I still denied it. He was right, of course.

But the difference was, THIS time I recognized the denial as my safe haven. My denial did not change any outcome and made ME feel better. So I don't really care that I was wrong... at least I wasn't frantic with worry.

Of course, we continued to protect our valuables and bank information.... No need to be TOO trusting.


I hope your niece can find her way into sobriety, and you can renew your relationship with the girl hidden inside the addiction.


((hugs))
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Old 08-17-2008, 12:09 PM
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This was, and still sometimes is, for me one of the hardest things about caring about an addict. I felt so stupid and still sometims think about all the people that knew what was going on under my own roof. XABF addicted to crack and smoking it everywhere all day long. I never knew. The reason I never knew is because he was a great liar, extremely sneaky and also did a bang up of of making me think I was crazy.

I can't say anything like don't feel bad because I know I felt bad. It takes a long time to realize that we were fooled but that we might not be fools. now that you know you will be more aware of her actions and base your decisions on them
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