Need to admit my relapse
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Need to admit my relapse
I can't make my Alanon meeting tonight so I thought I would/should share here. I really don't want to admit my relapse, but somehow think it might help me learn and move beyond it.
I haven't heard from my AS all week, he called today to ask if we could get together to talk. (Yes, I know he only wants money, but I miss him too.) He came to my work and we walked over to a chinese place and sat down to visit. He told me about a new PT job he has started and how it will go to FT in a month or so. He told me about how he is mowing lawns for a realty office for homes that are empty. He told me about a realtor that he met who helps low income folks find places to rent. That's what he needed money for . . . there is a place he and a friend are interested in that he wants to put a deposit on - claims the deposit goes toward first month rent if you are accepted. I asked him how's he gonna pay the rent? (Yes, I know I shouldn't be getting in his business.) Dang if I didn't give him cold, hard cash - wasn't til I got back to my work that I thought if I really wanted to "help" him, I could have given a money order or cashiers check. (Yes, I know, even that wouldn't have guaranteed where it went.) I thought I was getting stronger, but I guess it is just in the amount of contact I'm willing to have with him. Not in the being able to say "no" to money.
I feel like a failure. I've been going to Nar-Anon, Alanon and posting here, I thought I was getting stronger. It was just that he wasn't asking for money, not that I was getting stronger. I'll try to do better next time. I mean that's all I can do right?
I haven't gotten a sponsor in either of my programs. Do I have to admit giving him money in both of those meetings too? I feel really ashamed.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
I haven't heard from my AS all week, he called today to ask if we could get together to talk. (Yes, I know he only wants money, but I miss him too.) He came to my work and we walked over to a chinese place and sat down to visit. He told me about a new PT job he has started and how it will go to FT in a month or so. He told me about how he is mowing lawns for a realty office for homes that are empty. He told me about a realtor that he met who helps low income folks find places to rent. That's what he needed money for . . . there is a place he and a friend are interested in that he wants to put a deposit on - claims the deposit goes toward first month rent if you are accepted. I asked him how's he gonna pay the rent? (Yes, I know I shouldn't be getting in his business.) Dang if I didn't give him cold, hard cash - wasn't til I got back to my work that I thought if I really wanted to "help" him, I could have given a money order or cashiers check. (Yes, I know, even that wouldn't have guaranteed where it went.) I thought I was getting stronger, but I guess it is just in the amount of contact I'm willing to have with him. Not in the being able to say "no" to money.
I feel like a failure. I've been going to Nar-Anon, Alanon and posting here, I thought I was getting stronger. It was just that he wasn't asking for money, not that I was getting stronger. I'll try to do better next time. I mean that's all I can do right?
I haven't gotten a sponsor in either of my programs. Do I have to admit giving him money in both of those meetings too? I feel really ashamed.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Glendale, CA
Posts: 19
I'm so sorry that you relapsed! You need to stay strong and not communicate with him. Just cut him off. I know it's so much easier to be said than done because I fell into that trap many times, but it got to the point that if my ex didn't have $$ for gas then I would follow him to the gas station and pay for the gas. Or if he had no $$ for food, I'd go to the market and buy food. That doesn't help, but at least I knew he wasn't spending the money on alcohol or drugs.
You would feel so much better to admit this in your meetings, you'll have people supporting you and giving you advice.
Just hang there and don't do it again. Look what you gained...nothing. You're just feeling down on yourself and it's not good for your health.
You would feel so much better to admit this in your meetings, you'll have people supporting you and giving you advice.
Just hang there and don't do it again. Look what you gained...nothing. You're just feeling down on yourself and it's not good for your health.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 561
I'll try to do better next time. I mean that's all I can do right?
Trying to do better next time is all anyone can ever do. Recovery, to me, doesn't seem so much of a destination as it is a journey, a process that takes time and automatically comes with missteps and learning opportunities like this one.
I don't think you're a failure at all. I've learned a lot from you already and your realization that you didn't make the best choice is proof of your dedication to improvement as is your decision to share it here.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I don't consider it a relapse. You talked to your son, you saw changes and improvements in his words AND actions, and you did something that you were OK with. It doesn't sound like you were coerced or threatened... you gave your son some money. I'm a mom, and I've been known to do that too. We do (or don't do) what we can live with at the time. As our recovery grows, so do our boundaries, choices and actions.
Recovery teaches us to take care of ourselves, set boundaries, etc. It doesn't say we have to cut off all contact with our loved ones !
It's great to be able to sit down and have lunch with your son, isn't it? I know many moms here who would give ANYTHING just to know their son or daughter is still alive... out there somewhere.
Mom hugs
Cats
Recovery teaches us to take care of ourselves, set boundaries, etc. It doesn't say we have to cut off all contact with our loved ones !
It's great to be able to sit down and have lunch with your son, isn't it? I know many moms here who would give ANYTHING just to know their son or daughter is still alive... out there somewhere.
Mom hugs
Cats
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 325
(((JMF)))
Sorry JMF, don't know enough of your son's story. Is he working on recovery?
Ah, the would've, shoud've, could've's- try not to go there. You know what they say- put yourself at the top of the list, forgive yourself for being human!
Here is the good news- usually only two results.
A) he will get sober and into recovery
B) he won't and will need more money for a place to live shortly.
I would love it to be (A) for you and your son.
But if it is (B)- This is what my sponser tells me to do- NO quick decisions. Tell whoever I will have to sleep on it. That gives me a chance to think, reason things out with others.
I am amazed at myself, how often I thought I knew myself and what I would do, if or when- OOPS!!
Sorry JMF, don't know enough of your son's story. Is he working on recovery?
Ah, the would've, shoud've, could've's- try not to go there. You know what they say- put yourself at the top of the list, forgive yourself for being human!
Here is the good news- usually only two results.
A) he will get sober and into recovery
B) he won't and will need more money for a place to live shortly.
I would love it to be (A) for you and your son.
But if it is (B)- This is what my sponser tells me to do- NO quick decisions. Tell whoever I will have to sleep on it. That gives me a chance to think, reason things out with others.
I am amazed at myself, how often I thought I knew myself and what I would do, if or when- OOPS!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 427
JMF,
You know we all trip and fall. You just want so hard to believe and thats ok too but trusting isn't proven yet. Maybe if you asked who do you want the check made out to that might have given you a red flag since the money question didn't.
It is done and you can't beat yourself up over it now, you do have to stop taking any money with you when he calls again so you can say no sorry I love ya but I don't have it. This way you can think about it.
The meeting are great to talk about this I think. IF you talk about it you will feel better and maybe get some stronger ideas for not helping him. Don't think your a failure, your not but.....you do need to read here, many addicts here says let me fall on my face please, don't help me because it hurts me! That is what you need to print out and put on your fridge, phone, where ever you will read it daily. ((((HUGS))))
You know we all trip and fall. You just want so hard to believe and thats ok too but trusting isn't proven yet. Maybe if you asked who do you want the check made out to that might have given you a red flag since the money question didn't.
It is done and you can't beat yourself up over it now, you do have to stop taking any money with you when he calls again so you can say no sorry I love ya but I don't have it. This way you can think about it.
The meeting are great to talk about this I think. IF you talk about it you will feel better and maybe get some stronger ideas for not helping him. Don't think your a failure, your not but.....you do need to read here, many addicts here says let me fall on my face please, don't help me because it hurts me! That is what you need to print out and put on your fridge, phone, where ever you will read it daily. ((((HUGS))))
Last edited by beegee; 08-15-2008 at 03:50 PM. Reason: spell
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Thank you
Thank you for the replies. I appreciate them - I guess I was getting cocky with myself because 1) our contact has gotten ALOT less and 2) he wasn't asking for money so I wasn't giving him any. Unfortunately, I was making myself think that my not giving him money was my progress . . . it really wasn't.
I'm taking the steps pretty slowly. I finally feel like I have a good handle on 1, 2 and 3. I think I've been trying to convince myself that I can't work on 4 because I don't have a car to get to a Step 4 workshop . . . hiding. I could ask someone in one of my groups to be my sponsor and I'm sure they would help me work on a Fourth step and I even have a Blue Print For Progress work book that I could use. In all reality, I'm avoiding it and procrastinating.
I'm running away from further progress because I'm scared if I continue in my recovery from being addicted to my son I will actually have to say NO and mean it. I'm scared to death of having to do that all by myself.
I'm taking the steps pretty slowly. I finally feel like I have a good handle on 1, 2 and 3. I think I've been trying to convince myself that I can't work on 4 because I don't have a car to get to a Step 4 workshop . . . hiding. I could ask someone in one of my groups to be my sponsor and I'm sure they would help me work on a Fourth step and I even have a Blue Print For Progress work book that I could use. In all reality, I'm avoiding it and procrastinating.
I'm running away from further progress because I'm scared if I continue in my recovery from being addicted to my son I will actually have to say NO and mean it. I'm scared to death of having to do that all by myself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((JMF)))
I've done the same thing, then asked myself "what have you done?".
It's over, and he may actually use the money for what he said! If he doesn't and it comes up again, you will be a little stronger. Saying "no" isn't easy and sometimes it takes a long time and getting burned a lot before we can say it.
I'm glad you had lunch with him. Don't be so hard on yourself.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I've done the same thing, then asked myself "what have you done?".
It's over, and he may actually use the money for what he said! If he doesn't and it comes up again, you will be a little stronger. Saying "no" isn't easy and sometimes it takes a long time and getting burned a lot before we can say it.
I'm glad you had lunch with him. Don't be so hard on yourself.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Home
Posts: 178
JMF, Im glad you had lunch with your son! Ive made so many codie mistakes
myself. Dont consider this a relapse-as the others have said, your money
may be used for the right thing.
Dont beat yourself up. Hugs, Stef
myself. Dont consider this a relapse-as the others have said, your money
may be used for the right thing.
Dont beat yourself up. Hugs, Stef
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 50
Great advice was given
I agree with so many here. We are all codies and it is in our nature to what you did. It is as journey and a process, (one that is new to me but I am going at it with everything I got). We have to learn to un-do certain behaviors that have been in-grained in us. That takes time and learning from our mistakes. Did you re-lapse? Slightly. But you don't throw the "baby out with the bathwater". You learn from it and move on. I know you are positive now you will think twice before doing that again, right? So in the end, it had a positive effect on you. Next time, you will get in contact with the people and verify that their is actually a deposit (you haven't been duped again) and if you chose to help, you will pay them directly, not the addicted one.
Hugs to you and by seeing your posts, you have learned a lesson here. That's the good part. So, stop beating yourself up and now you can move on with your new lesson in your pocket.
:ghug3
Hugs to you and by seeing your posts, you have learned a lesson here. That's the good part. So, stop beating yourself up and now you can move on with your new lesson in your pocket.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
do not beat yourself up over this. he either makes the deposit or he don't. you made a mistake by giving him cash to start with but we all do that sometimes. money is a mood changer but so is seeing our addicts. you have learned something, sometimes in our program we have to take baby steps & we live & learn as we go. i am glad you saw your son & i pray he continutes to do the right things.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 49
I found once I revealed my secret, I relieved my shame.
THanks for sharing.....keep on keeping on. Takes time to build and enforce boudaries, and let go of enabling. You seem to have a wealth of awareness now, and thats always the most painful part.
Keep recovering, a day at a time...and you will grow like a mighty Oak tree!
THanks for sharing.....keep on keeping on. Takes time to build and enforce boudaries, and let go of enabling. You seem to have a wealth of awareness now, and thats always the most painful part.
Keep recovering, a day at a time...and you will grow like a mighty Oak tree!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: homebased
Posts: 408
Originally Posted by CatsPajamas 
It's great to be able to sit down and have lunch with your son, isn't it? I know many moms here who would give ANYTHING just to know their son or daughter is still alive... out there somewhere.
Cats
recovery is a process....a journey
and you are among the luckier moms who had the chance to have a nice lunch and conversation with your son
focus on that....
if the future proves that the $ was not used as said, you'll know better next time....
this scenerio won't keep repeating itself....
you'll get wiser in time but for now ...
How was lunch?!
Let It Begin With ME
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Saint Clair Shores, MI
Posts: 42
Im dealing with the same thing, myself. Only its my husband. I always give in! Its making me crazy. He is on methadone, and didnt pay the past two weeks, so they were weaning him off and he was getting sicker and sicker by the day. Well, he decided he wants to go back to his regular dose. So now I give him 160.00 to cover the past two weeks. (He had the $ to pay the clinic last two weeks but bought crack instead) Now, last night hes askin for MORE money to get Vicodin so he can feel better! And Of course after throwing a fit, I give it to him!! Im thinking about just giving him x amount of dollars every week, and keeping what me and the kids need to live in the bank. That way he can do what he pleases with it, and I dont have to deal with him begging me for it?? Any advice is SOOOO welcome. Thanks!
:wtf2
:wtf2
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
We are only human. I guess I would look at this as a learning experience and move on. Your son also had a hand in it, if he was manipulating you.
/big hug
I don't see why telling your alanon group would be a bad thing. I would guess that MOST people there have done the same or understand perfectly. You might be giving someone else some insight and peace of mind if THEY have been struggling with this same issue. And when you do mention it, it might touch them in good ways.
/big hug
I don't see why telling your alanon group would be a bad thing. I would guess that MOST people there have done the same or understand perfectly. You might be giving someone else some insight and peace of mind if THEY have been struggling with this same issue. And when you do mention it, it might touch them in good ways.
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