Hi, I'm new
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 4
Hi, I'm new
hello,
i'm new to this forum and this disease.
my fiance hopefully hit his rock bottom about a month ago after he lost his job over his addiction and he realized he needed to get some help.
thankfully he went to his sister to confide in this issue and he is now in rehab.
he confessed to me what had been going on (he was addicted to percs) and of all the lies and secrets he had been hiding from me for the four months this had been going on
(the past four months were actually a relapse of a i-dont-know-how-long-prior sobriety period. he said he was addicted to percs before and quit cold turkey but the withdrawls were too much).
this all of course, started with a script of percs from his doctor and spiraled out of control.
for those of you who have gone through this - any advice? any hope? any success stories? any ANYTHING at this point!
today is the first day since he went in that I haven't been a sobbing snotty mess.
thank you
i'm new to this forum and this disease.
my fiance hopefully hit his rock bottom about a month ago after he lost his job over his addiction and he realized he needed to get some help.
thankfully he went to his sister to confide in this issue and he is now in rehab.
he confessed to me what had been going on (he was addicted to percs) and of all the lies and secrets he had been hiding from me for the four months this had been going on
(the past four months were actually a relapse of a i-dont-know-how-long-prior sobriety period. he said he was addicted to percs before and quit cold turkey but the withdrawls were too much).
this all of course, started with a script of percs from his doctor and spiraled out of control.
for those of you who have gone through this - any advice? any hope? any success stories? any ANYTHING at this point!
today is the first day since he went in that I haven't been a sobbing snotty mess.
thank you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: SC
Posts: 1,027
Hi Queen-
I went through it too, only no rehab and drug of choice was xanax. I say if HE recognized that this was too big for him to handle on his own, WAY TO GO! He's getting help to make himself a better person.
My husbands clean now for a couple days over 1 year. It was a struggle and remains a struggle. The problems don't simply end because drugs aren't involved anymore. There are still a LOT of issues that come with addiction, for you and him. Trust is a major one.
I don't know when you are planning on marrying but I have a suggestion that it be put off until he has 1 year clean. This is only my opinion. Had I known about my husbands addiction prior to our marriage, we would not have gotten married. Marriage or long term living together makes it harder to get out, IMO.
I hope that this is it for him and he's done. Please stick around and read some of the stickies up top. There are also great books that you can read to help YOU out.
I went through it too, only no rehab and drug of choice was xanax. I say if HE recognized that this was too big for him to handle on his own, WAY TO GO! He's getting help to make himself a better person.
My husbands clean now for a couple days over 1 year. It was a struggle and remains a struggle. The problems don't simply end because drugs aren't involved anymore. There are still a LOT of issues that come with addiction, for you and him. Trust is a major one.
I don't know when you are planning on marrying but I have a suggestion that it be put off until he has 1 year clean. This is only my opinion. Had I known about my husbands addiction prior to our marriage, we would not have gotten married. Marriage or long term living together makes it harder to get out, IMO.
I hope that this is it for him and he's done. Please stick around and read some of the stickies up top. There are also great books that you can read to help YOU out.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi starbucks queen.
I'm sorry you are going through this with your fiance. I'm glad you shared your story. Lots of people on this site can probably relate.
I know many recovery success stories. Unfortunately though, I know of more failed attempts at recovery. It usually takes more than one attempt to get clean. People don't generally just "quit" on their first time. Staying clean is a lifetime journey and a lifetime struggle for some. Once an addict, always an addict. He will always have to be on guard and stay focused on recovery.
I learned that the success story had to start with me. I had to learn to draw clear boundaries and follow through on them. I learned to trust myself and my gut feelings about other people. I had to learn how to stop trying to save people and save myself instead. I had to learn not to enable the loved one in my life in his addiction. I had to learn how to let go and put him and his recovery in the hands of a higher power. I had to accept that I could not fix him.
IMO, if your fiance tried to get clean before and never made it through the withdrawals. He was never really clean in the first place. He didn't really have a chance to relapse because the drugs were never out of his system.
So anyway, I'm afraid you may be in for a tough road ahead. But I truly hope not. I wish your fiance the best. But more than that, my wish for you is that no matter what happens with him, you have success & happiness that is not dependent on whether or not he stays clean. He may or may not have hit his rock bottom.
But what about you. Have you hit yours?
I'm sorry you are going through this with your fiance. I'm glad you shared your story. Lots of people on this site can probably relate.
I know many recovery success stories. Unfortunately though, I know of more failed attempts at recovery. It usually takes more than one attempt to get clean. People don't generally just "quit" on their first time. Staying clean is a lifetime journey and a lifetime struggle for some. Once an addict, always an addict. He will always have to be on guard and stay focused on recovery.
I learned that the success story had to start with me. I had to learn to draw clear boundaries and follow through on them. I learned to trust myself and my gut feelings about other people. I had to learn how to stop trying to save people and save myself instead. I had to learn not to enable the loved one in my life in his addiction. I had to learn how to let go and put him and his recovery in the hands of a higher power. I had to accept that I could not fix him.
IMO, if your fiance tried to get clean before and never made it through the withdrawals. He was never really clean in the first place. He didn't really have a chance to relapse because the drugs were never out of his system.
So anyway, I'm afraid you may be in for a tough road ahead. But I truly hope not. I wish your fiance the best. But more than that, my wish for you is that no matter what happens with him, you have success & happiness that is not dependent on whether or not he stays clean. He may or may not have hit his rock bottom.
But what about you. Have you hit yours?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
I know you read my thread, so you know I'm a recovering addict. I'm also a recovering codie, who has been involved with addicts or alcoholics.
Kitty is right...there is way more to recovery than stopping the drugs. Most addicts take a few times at recovery before they "get it" (I did), but some do it right the first time. I think the fact that he is seeking it for himself is a good thing!
I also agree about waiting a year before marriage. Addiction is not something he will ever be "cured of"...it's a lifelong thing. That will give you time to see what he's doing. With addicts, you need to go by their ACTIONS, not their words. We are the masters of manipulation and that is something we have to learn how NOT to do.
Read around the posts and start thinking of boundaries...what YOU will accept in your life. My motto with addicts is "prepare for the worst, hope for the best". Addiction is a very serious thing, and I've read too many posts of someone saying "I never would have married him/had a child, etc. if I had known what I was in for".
Some of us find out that recovery is so great that we do whatever it takes to stay in it...change friends, habits, etc. I'm hoping he is one of those. But, no matter what, keep your focus on YOU. The relationships I've seen that work when an addict is in recovery, is when both people are focused on THEIR recovery. Your recovery means not focusing totally on him and what he's doing, is he going to meetings, how many, etc. Decide what YOU want from life, and see if he is it.
And remember the 3 c's...you didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't change it...it's all up to him.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I know you read my thread, so you know I'm a recovering addict. I'm also a recovering codie, who has been involved with addicts or alcoholics.
Kitty is right...there is way more to recovery than stopping the drugs. Most addicts take a few times at recovery before they "get it" (I did), but some do it right the first time. I think the fact that he is seeking it for himself is a good thing!
I also agree about waiting a year before marriage. Addiction is not something he will ever be "cured of"...it's a lifelong thing. That will give you time to see what he's doing. With addicts, you need to go by their ACTIONS, not their words. We are the masters of manipulation and that is something we have to learn how NOT to do.
Read around the posts and start thinking of boundaries...what YOU will accept in your life. My motto with addicts is "prepare for the worst, hope for the best". Addiction is a very serious thing, and I've read too many posts of someone saying "I never would have married him/had a child, etc. if I had known what I was in for".
Some of us find out that recovery is so great that we do whatever it takes to stay in it...change friends, habits, etc. I'm hoping he is one of those. But, no matter what, keep your focus on YOU. The relationships I've seen that work when an addict is in recovery, is when both people are focused on THEIR recovery. Your recovery means not focusing totally on him and what he's doing, is he going to meetings, how many, etc. Decide what YOU want from life, and see if he is it.
And remember the 3 c's...you didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't change it...it's all up to him.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 4
Thanks all for the great advice and kind words!
Actually, when he gets out of rehab I'm going let him adjust for a day or two and then let him know the wedding is postponed until he can prove to me that he wants to get better.
And Impurrfect - "prepare for the worst and hope for the best" is EXACTLY what I told him before he entered rehab. I live by those words! That and "one day at a time".
At this point in time, I'm having a hard time going home to an empty apartment with all his stuff still sitting around and trying to picture it empty and without him there. It kills me.
I will try my hardest to concentrate on myself during this time. Although it will be difficult b/c I do care about him so much and I want nothing but the best for him.
Thank you all!
Actually, when he gets out of rehab I'm going let him adjust for a day or two and then let him know the wedding is postponed until he can prove to me that he wants to get better.
And Impurrfect - "prepare for the worst and hope for the best" is EXACTLY what I told him before he entered rehab. I live by those words! That and "one day at a time".
At this point in time, I'm having a hard time going home to an empty apartment with all his stuff still sitting around and trying to picture it empty and without him there. It kills me.
I will try my hardest to concentrate on myself during this time. Although it will be difficult b/c I do care about him so much and I want nothing but the best for him.
Thank you all!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
It sounds like you have a good plan and a good perspective.
I know it hurts and the loneliness is so hard. Doing the right thing can be so hard and uncomfortable sometimes. That's how I know it's the right thing when it comes to my ex. It was so easy just to pretend everything was going to be ok. I did it for too long.
Keep us posted ok. You definitely have the support of everyone on this board no matter what happens!
I know it hurts and the loneliness is so hard. Doing the right thing can be so hard and uncomfortable sometimes. That's how I know it's the right thing when it comes to my ex. It was so easy just to pretend everything was going to be ok. I did it for too long.
Keep us posted ok. You definitely have the support of everyone on this board no matter what happens!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Welcome starbucksqueen,
I am here for myself, but my addict is my 27 yr old son, so do not have experience w/significant other. I would strongly encourage you to try Nar-Anon or AlAnon as well as reading and posting here. The face to face support and sharing is wonderful.
I am here for myself, but my addict is my 27 yr old son, so do not have experience w/significant other. I would strongly encourage you to try Nar-Anon or AlAnon as well as reading and posting here. The face to face support and sharing is wonderful.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
I too am new here and I am here to get better. I have read such great posts here. Thank God I found this place. I am dealing with my RAD who lives with us. She has 2 sons and a little over 120 days sober. I hold no illusions that it may all fall apart tomorrow but for today I am proud of her progress. I hope your fiance gets thru this but most importantly I hope you get thru this. No great words of wisdom, just want to let you know someone cares.
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