Please help me understand detaching
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 561
Please help me understand detaching
I need help understanding how to detach myself from my sister's addiction.
Because I'm raising her daughter, at least for now, I feel forced to some degree into having a relationship with my sister so that her daughter can have a relationship with her.
Specifically, I'm not sure how to proceed right now. My sister has been booted out of her recovery home and is staying at the Salvation Army. She wants me to come and get her and drive her to another recovery centre that has said they will take her.
Some people (her counsellors at the old recovery house, and my mother) have urged me to leave her alone and let her solve this herself. Others, her friends from AA, have asked me to help her out saying that taking her to another recovery house is the right thing to do for her. I honestly don't believe the people that are asking me to help her really fully understand the extent of her addiction or her mental illness.
I'm lost. How do I detach? And what does detaching mean? Do I do nothing? Or do I examine each incident separately?
I want to reclaim my life for myself and for my husband. But I don't want to be heartless either. Where's the line? What would you do?
Because I'm raising her daughter, at least for now, I feel forced to some degree into having a relationship with my sister so that her daughter can have a relationship with her.
Specifically, I'm not sure how to proceed right now. My sister has been booted out of her recovery home and is staying at the Salvation Army. She wants me to come and get her and drive her to another recovery centre that has said they will take her.
Some people (her counsellors at the old recovery house, and my mother) have urged me to leave her alone and let her solve this herself. Others, her friends from AA, have asked me to help her out saying that taking her to another recovery house is the right thing to do for her. I honestly don't believe the people that are asking me to help her really fully understand the extent of her addiction or her mental illness.
I'm lost. How do I detach? And what does detaching mean? Do I do nothing? Or do I examine each incident separately?
I want to reclaim my life for myself and for my husband. But I don't want to be heartless either. Where's the line? What would you do?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 50
Advice
I am new at this too. Well not new at the many years of dealing with my AH, but this recovery process. A wonderful person posted to me yesterday to get the book Codependent no More by Melody Beattie. It is literally saving me. And fast. I was hanging by a thread yesterday and I needed answers and solutions NOW. I found them there. I suggest you go to your library or local book store and get it ASAP. You will get it.
Your post is exactly what will keep you sick. You are reacting. You are too obssessed with this persons actions that you are not even seeing your immediate needs. I know this sounds blase and "pie in the sky", it isn't. The book will grab you in the first few pages and lift you out of that despair that you are in and you will find what you need there.
You are spiraling by reacting to this persons every action. You, yes you, are the one keeping yourself sick. You don't have to keep doing this to yourself. Go get this book and begin to heal. In 24 hours I am already there. Read my post on it. Only yesterday I was lost in a pit of anger, despair, hopelessness and didn't know what to do. I couldn't function as every thought was on my AH.
Please, take the advice that was give to me and that I am now giving you.
-Peace and prayers to you.
Your post is exactly what will keep you sick. You are reacting. You are too obssessed with this persons actions that you are not even seeing your immediate needs. I know this sounds blase and "pie in the sky", it isn't. The book will grab you in the first few pages and lift you out of that despair that you are in and you will find what you need there.
You are spiraling by reacting to this persons every action. You, yes you, are the one keeping yourself sick. You don't have to keep doing this to yourself. Go get this book and begin to heal. In 24 hours I am already there. Read my post on it. Only yesterday I was lost in a pit of anger, despair, hopelessness and didn't know what to do. I couldn't function as every thought was on my AH.
Please, take the advice that was give to me and that I am now giving you.
-Peace and prayers to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 325
Oh I just love those people who think that others- *should*
If her AA *friends* are unable or unwilling to give her a ride to a treatment center, don't know anyone else who can, she may want to choose different AA *friends* in the future!
If her AA *friends* are unable or unwilling to give her a ride to a treatment center, don't know anyone else who can, she may want to choose different AA *friends* in the future!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
That was going to be my reply as well, what about these AA friends who are pushing it off on you, why can't one of them just take her? Doesn't make sense, if they don't want to get that involved whey are they then pushing you too?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by SistersHelp 
I'm lost. How do I detach? And what does detaching mean? Do I do nothing? Or do I examine each incident separately?
Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. Separating ourselves from the adverse effects of another person’s alcoholism can be a means of detaching: this does not necessarily require physical separation. Detachment can help us look at our situations realistically and objectively.
Alcoholism is a family disease. Living with the effects of someone else’s drinking is too devastating for most people to bear without help. In Al-Anon we learn nothing we say or do can cause or stop someone else’s drinking. We are not responsible for another person’s disease or recovery from it.
Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another’s behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves. We can still love the person without liking the behavior.
IN AL-ANON WE LEARN:
• Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people
• Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another’s recovery
• Not to do for others what they can do for themselves
• Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink, or behave as we see fit
• Not to cover up for another’s mistakes or misdeeds
• Not to create a crisis
• Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 49
Here is my recent act of detaching:
Today: Alcoholic asked me to dial a 3 way conference call to insurance co. to take care of an issue that we all needed to be on the phone for. It's HIS insurance company and his problem that needs to be managed.
I asked why (LOL...dangerous for a codie to ask questions). Said: "Cus on my phone I have to utilize 3 buttons to make that kind of call".
"WOW....3 buttons??? Man..that must exhaust you" (I thought silently).
Reply: " Well how many buttons do you think it takes on MY phone?".
He says "OK,,hold on I'll do it".
I refuse to do anything...ANYTHING...for the alcoholic/addict that he/she CAN do for themselves.
That's detachment!
Today: Alcoholic asked me to dial a 3 way conference call to insurance co. to take care of an issue that we all needed to be on the phone for. It's HIS insurance company and his problem that needs to be managed.
I asked why (LOL...dangerous for a codie to ask questions). Said: "Cus on my phone I have to utilize 3 buttons to make that kind of call".
"WOW....3 buttons??? Man..that must exhaust you" (I thought silently).
Reply: " Well how many buttons do you think it takes on MY phone?".
He says "OK,,hold on I'll do it".
I refuse to do anything...ANYTHING...for the alcoholic/addict that he/she CAN do for themselves.
That's detachment!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 561
*taking a huge breath*
Thank you all so ENORMOUSLY for these replies which are giving me great clarity. I understand much better now. This place is just amazing. I am so appreciative... and I can't say it enough.
(Just as I was posting this she called to tell me she has arrived at the next recovery home. I let the machine take the message. You guys are SO right.)
Thank you all so ENORMOUSLY for these replies which are giving me great clarity. I understand much better now. This place is just amazing. I am so appreciative... and I can't say it enough.
(Just as I was posting this she called to tell me she has arrived at the next recovery home. I let the machine take the message. You guys are SO right.)
Last edited by SistersHelp; 08-13-2008 at 05:22 PM. Reason: late breaking news
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
We learn in al-anon "Don't do for them what they ought do for themselves."
keeping the focus appropriate- on yourself, husband and niece at this time -
sounds like detachment in action.
When your sis can be a cooperative inpatient fully engaged in recovery, visiting her on family day may be the best way to engage and support her.
If she chooses behav. to get kicked out again....detachment will be a good tool.
keeping the focus appropriate- on yourself, husband and niece at this time -
sounds like detachment in action.
When your sis can be a cooperative inpatient fully engaged in recovery, visiting her on family day may be the best way to engage and support her.
If she chooses behav. to get kicked out again....detachment will be a good tool.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I'm glad you posted here, and didn't jump to take her.
We addicts are VERY resourceful...whether it's getting drugs or getting recovery.
You have made a tremendous amount of progress since you first came here...taking care of YOU and your husband and niece, are a priority, and I think you've done a great job.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
We addicts are VERY resourceful...whether it's getting drugs or getting recovery.
You have made a tremendous amount of progress since you first came here...taking care of YOU and your husband and niece, are a priority, and I think you've done a great job.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
((Sister))
Good job with letting the answering machine be your secretary, especially when you really didn't need to get that info anyway . . .
You are focusing on your life and your sister can take care of her own without your help - as many before me have said, she'll find a way if she really wants to.
On one of your posts someone mentioned that we need to get out of the way to let our HP run the show - it was a needed reminder for me!
Hang in there Sister!
Good job with letting the answering machine be your secretary, especially when you really didn't need to get that info anyway . . .
You are focusing on your life and your sister can take care of her own without your help - as many before me have said, she'll find a way if she really wants to.
On one of your posts someone mentioned that we need to get out of the way to let our HP run the show - it was a needed reminder for me!
Hang in there Sister!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 561
Last night my sister called to say goodnight to her daughter and stopped to treat me to a lecture about how bad drugs are. It's hard not to laugh sometimes... at least I'm keeping my sense of humour! 
She told me that she learned a whole lot from spending a night at the Salvation Army and that she now fully intends to get off the Oxys because she recognizes that they were the reason she was kicked out of the last two recovery centres. She says she's determined to get off them and that she now understands that she can't fight us for custody because she realises she can't really be a parent.
This is all good stuff except that she's said it all before.
I shoved a piece of duct tape over the mouth of my inner sarcasm and told her I was glad she felt that way and that I would be even gladder when she showed me.
I'm learning not to hold my breath and to just let her do her thing.
My next show of detachment is that I am NOT going to call the director of this centre to give them background information or anything. I'm just going to let them get to know my sister for themselves and do what they can with her. I'll hope for the best for her while continuing to do what's needed for her daughter, myself, and my husband. Our lives will come first.
She told me that she learned a whole lot from spending a night at the Salvation Army and that she now fully intends to get off the Oxys because she recognizes that they were the reason she was kicked out of the last two recovery centres. She says she's determined to get off them and that she now understands that she can't fight us for custody because she realises she can't really be a parent.
This is all good stuff except that she's said it all before.
I shoved a piece of duct tape over the mouth of my inner sarcasm and told her I was glad she felt that way and that I would be even gladder when she showed me.
I'm learning not to hold my breath and to just let her do her thing.
My next show of detachment is that I am NOT going to call the director of this centre to give them background information or anything. I'm just going to let them get to know my sister for themselves and do what they can with her. I'll hope for the best for her while continuing to do what's needed for her daughter, myself, and my husband. Our lives will come first.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
ya know, I think we should have stock in duct tape
You did great, and who knows? Maybe a little light bulb DID go off for her? No one ran and jumped when she wanted them, too, and she's getting a dose of reality.
On the other hand, you are doing exactly right...let her actions show if she's serious. In the meantime, taking care of you, your husband and your niece is priority, and you are doing it!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
You did great, and who knows? Maybe a little light bulb DID go off for her? No one ran and jumped when she wanted them, too, and she's getting a dose of reality.
On the other hand, you are doing exactly right...let her actions show if she's serious. In the meantime, taking care of you, your husband and your niece is priority, and you are doing it!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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