Detaching! (and God it feels soo good!)
 

So today is my first day of detachment. And it feels sooo good! Today is the first day in many years where I have woken up with out the proverbial knot in my stomach. It is the first time in a long time where I didn't say to myself, "oh, god, how am I going to get through this day and what is he going to do to us now!"

Today, I have broken free of the sickness that has been holding me captive. I have spent to many years trying to hold up the 4 walls that were caving in on me with only 2 hands. Today, I let those walls fall and I stepped out of the box that has imprisoned me. And you know what? It sure is beautiful out here!

My AH is coming home from rehab in 2 days. Up until now I have been fretting and worried sick over what "he might do", did I want him home, will he behave and stay clean, and driving myself nuts over the what ifs. Now, I woke up today and said, he is coming home, but this is my home too. Only he can control if he screws up, not me. I have no power over that. I do however, have the power to decide how I am going to live. And that is what I plan on doing.

I am going to live! For me! I am going live my life, which has been on hold for years and centered around him. No longer. I am not going to enslave myself to someone elses needs and actions. I am no longer my "brothers keeper". I am a beautiful, loving, and caring woman. I have a lot to offer...to ME!

My mother (r.i.p.) was not an educated woman. She only had a 7th grade education as she had to work to help the family. But she was one of the smartest women I have ever known. Her words are haunting me now. "People will only do to you what you let them do to you". I hear that now in my mind and smile.

Today I stand strong. I stand for me. I am getting healthy for me.:Dance7:

Good for you!

You mention your mom and I've been thinking about my family a lot lately. My ancestors didn't fight out on the plains, negotiate peace treaties, and learn how to thrive in a world they'd never known, just so their descendants could become dependent on anything or anyone. By the way I'm American Indian.

I could write a book about my family, detailing all they went through from four generations ago. My ancestors thrived despite insurmountable odds and they did their best to make sure their children did too. They didn't do it by wringing their hands and asking "why?" every time something went wrong.

They didn't enable their loved ones and if they ever had a victim mentality they didn't verbalize it, that was considered shameful. It took me a while to remember I'm not a victim; I'm a survivor and it's in my genes. It's my birthright, it's everyone's birthright.

It feels great to be on this side of the fence. There's quicksand on the other side and I finally got tired of sinking in it.

sounds like real progress, good for you.....

Yeah for detachment. Your post got me rereading Codependent no more last night for the 3rd or 4th time, and it was good for me. Detachment doesn't happen all at once, though. It is an ongoing process. Sometimes I feel like my son has octopus-like suction on my heart and my life. I have to peel them off one at a time. And when I'm not on my guard, he sneaks back in and tries to get ahold of me again. But the good thing is, once you realize that you need to detach, you begin the process of understanding and discovering yourself. And that is a great,worthwhile journey. Good luck Greeneyed with your recovery.
krhea

Wow, that is a really big step for you. I can't wait to get to where you are right now. I am learning slowly and feeling better everyday. It is amazing how taking care of yourself really makes all the difference.
Good for you. I will keep you in my prayers. Stay strong and never give up.............. on yourself and your goals.

Take care.

Good job! I wish you good luck with everything and with continuing on track with your detachment. Just remember to read back on what you wrote when you feel like your caving in! You are capable of doing the right thing, you're doing it right now! Take care! Wendy

Stuff
 

Thanks everyone. And yes, I feel like I have tools now stop the chaos and turmoil. All I was doing was chasing my tail and getting nowhere and feeling so low and helpless. I know see that I have a way to get better and live better.:ghug2