Hello! Please read and I welcome any help or advice...
 

Hi everyone! I'm a single mother of a 2 yr old girl. I left my ex almost a year ago because he is an alcoholic and a drug abuser. At one point, in my younger years, I also partied with him and never saw it as a problem.
One Friday he left work and never showed up at home, he never came home that night, the next day I was so worried I called everyone that knew him and everyone I knew and no one knew anything. So I filed a missing person's report only to find out that Sunday when he finally came home that he was on a cocaine binge all weekend.
I wish I could say that it ended there, but that was 6 years ago. I continued the realtionship with him b/c I loved him, b/c I was scared to leave him, b/c I wanted to take care of him, b/c I thought I could change him.....the list goes on and on and on.
Well, in 2005 I found out I was pregnant and in 2006 our beautiful daughter was born. Mind you all, during these 6 years, he disappeared alot more times, I would find empty baggies hiding in weird places, he would leave work at 5pm but get home at 9pm or after and blame it on traffic and we lived 30 mins aways from his work and I would find empty liquor bottles that he had made a point to hide from me in the trash.
Last July, I went out with my friends to vent and came home drunk. We had a huge fight and to make a long story short, I destroyed our home, scared the hell out of our dog causing him to run away, not to mention the emotional trauma my then 1 yr old daughter went thru and I was arrested on domestic violence. A month later I made the hard decision to leave him and move on with my life and my daughter's life and that was a year ago.
Now looking back, I was so consumed with his life that I had forgotten about my life. It has taken me almost a year to let go of him and his life, because, eventhough I left him, I never detached myself from him and being in constant contact with him because of our daughter almost gave me a reason to still question him about his lifestyle or try to enforce my opinions on him.
Last week I attended my 1st Nar-Anon meeting, yesterday I joined SR and so far I'm starting to understand that his addiction is HIS problem, eventhough I had made it my addiction as well and it had consumed me so much that I had lost reality of my own life.
I work full time, my daughter is in pre-school, we live on our own and we barely get by but we're happy. Up until a week ago I cried everyday, I worried everyday, I was still consumed by his life, but I have SLOWLY let go and I am doing fine. I'm much happier, I'm more productive and my attention is 100% given to my daughter.
Thank you for the opportunity to share my story and in return I'm happy so say that I will get advice, get help and find wonderful friends thru this website.
Thank you and I welcome everyone and anyone that wants to talk or offer some advice!
:Dance7:

wendyarb,

Welcome to SR. It is great to hear from you and delightful to hear that you are attending Nar-Anon and posting here. Both have helped me.

My only advice would be to keep taking care of and focusing on yourself and your daughter - it's what is important! Hope to hear more from you and I am sure others will be along shorting to offer messages of welcome and encouragement.

Thank you JMFburns! I'm so glad to be here. My main focus has been my daughter and myself, but I have found that on those bad days, I fall back, call my ex and it all starts up again.
The sad thing is I emailed his sister and mother yesterday trying to explain to them in a nutshell what exactly was going on, since his mom lives in San Fran (has no idea or is in denial) and his sister is busy with work and school, they don't know the shape he is in and I got no response from his mom and barely any feedback from his sister. And I started thinking, how can I make this better? How can I make him understand what he is doing? How can I make him understand that he is missing out on his daughter's beginnings? It made me sad and I found myself crying again. But then I think about my beautiful daughter and I just keep going knowing that it will all turn out ok. I need to keep telling myself that he will make his own decisions and there's nothing that I can do about them. It's hard but I'll be ok.

Welcome to SR. Your post makes me sad and happy all at the same time. How sad for Dad and your little girl... but thank goodness she has you. You were so strong to remove yourself from the situation and do what is best for the two of you. Keep coming here for support and understanding. It helps the tears go away. Enjoy that little one. They grow up way too fast. HUGS

Welcome and thank you for sharing your story! You are well on your way, good for you!

I also welcome you and thanks for your story. It may make you sad today but in the years to come you'll be happy and proud that you stuck up for yourself and that sweet daughter of yours...Enjoy the site~~~~there are some really strong, enlightened women and man here..Smiles, Bonnie

Your on the right path!
 

Bless your hearts. You seem to want what you dreamed of as much as I do! It's just so hard to let go sometimes. I love mine completely, and I hate the pain he causes himself, but I refuse to partake in his drama anymore. I miss what could have been, but I'm trusting my HP to handle it and keep me sane, and I'm so grateful that I have the gift of our kids to fill my time right now.

What a blessing you have to have control over life now. This site has such wonderful people on it. In the last year, I've learned to say "Thanks for Crack, God". I know it sounds crazy, but I'm nearly fearless now. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right? If there was an Olympic event for how much mental anguish one person can endure there are a bunch of us here who would be gold medal contenders!

Thank you for sharing your story Wendy :) I enjoyed reading your experience. And welcome to SR.

Wow! When I opened up my registry I was so happy to find everyone's reply to my posting! I'm so glad that I can get the support I need from the people that visit this site. It's really a blessing and I thank all of you that took the time to read my posting. I look forward to sharing alot more and getting thru this with everyone's help. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you a million times! Wendy

Hi Wendy. You are not alone. I have been feeling so sad and angry that my ex abandoned my son to chase his drugs and now, can't even be bothered to call him from prison. But the truth is that it's probably a good thing.

I want to strangle him - to make him understand what he is doing to his little boy - to force him to be a good loving father. But I can't. Those are his choices.

I must let it go.

Thanks for the post today.

[QUOTE=hello-kitty;1869401]I want to strangle him - to make him understand what he is doing to his little boy - to force him to be a good loving father. But I can't. Those are his choices.

Hi Hello Kitty: That's exactly how I feel, what you wrote I feel! I want to make him understand that what he is missing, in his daughter's development, he will never see or experience again. It breaks my heart to see my daughter look at her friend's father's as they pick them up from school, she runs up to them and hugs them (mind you, my daughter is extremely affectionate), but just knowing that she's doing that makes me wonder if she's missing her father. Does she know about missing yet (she just turned 2 in May)? Or am I being dramatic about the whole situation? Am I appplying my own experiences of my father's abandonement when I was 12? Am I applying the hurt that I felt to my daughter's affection to other people? I'm not sure and that's why I'm seeking answers and help and advice. I just know that it's out of my control what HE decides and it drives me insane b/c I'm a control freak! I need to let go and just give my daughter MY unconditional love and hope that that is enough for her. It just really breaks my heart, more than the heartache I went thru when I left him.

Wendy -

Thanks for sharing your story with us. And keep coming to SR and Naranon. There are lots of us out here who understand only too well what you have lived through. Alanon/Naranon gave me the education about addiction that I needed - to make some tough, but necessary decisions about my addict sons.

One of the indicators of addiction for the addict - is what are they willing to give up, the risks they are willing to take, to continue their addiction. And for us who are as addicted to the addict as they are to their drugs - it is the same.

I have a friend that spent a New Year's Eve in the police station handcuffed because she broke into her addict boyfriend's apt., found him with someone else and hit him over the head with a frying pan and he called the police - never mind he was always the violent one. And she was a lawyer! That was her bottom. As she says when she tells her story, she was willing to risk her profession - and her professional reputation - to find out what he was doing. We get crazy too.

Keep coming back - the support is here.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

:Val004:

WOW...... I can not tell you just how much you sharing your story here has helped me! I am just day #2 from physically detaching.... it really is quite the time of it! But I question why I'm even giving power to it... ya know? So I have to tell myself little slogans and personal affirmations to knock it out of me. Either that or pick up this drug addiction that numbs the pain and is so much better than me. :::rolls eyes:::
Seriously....I could see that as being a possibility. Will I do that? NO! I don't like drugs like that. It doesn't call me, but I'll tell ya... even my mom said she didn't understand how all of this didn't lead me to drinking! Ya think? I can totally see how people are double winners in recovery. I really love how it is referred to as winners btw!!! RECOVERY IS FOR WINNERS!

Sorry for going off on a tangent there..... I am SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!

And thank you again for sharing, because it really helps me so much right now to read stories where people are able to move forward and moving forward or have moved forward. :)