AH just got kicked out of rehab
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Originally Posted by rose 
Callie,
I know the emotional feeling you are having right now, as I could have been through just what you are going through right now. I think the major upset within me was the hope that I had that things were going to get better. It was such a blow when I got the call that my husband was being removed. Samething Callie, he was caught using. But it didn't happen just once, we got him into another one just shortly after and he was removed again. Then onto the 3rd one, he managed to finish and get his certificate, he had his car there and he wasn't even out of the parking lot, had some crack hidden under the ashtray and enough said....!
He said all the samethings to me that your husband is saying to you. I need to be with my family to get clean, I fell for that one to. Brought him back home, I just about went insane, needed 2 sets of eyes, one to sleep and one to keep and eye on him. He tried pulling the wool over my eyes, I knew he was lying, lying and the fights were on.
Oh and then there was the "well if I can't have my family there is no point in me stopping". It is all a game of manipulation! It doesn't matter if we do or don't do for them, if they are going to use they are going to use.
We just have to be strong and learn to keep the focus on us and the children. I know for me that any contact I had with him even over the phone he would just dragged me back down again.
Rose
I know the emotional feeling you are having right now, as I could have been through just what you are going through right now. I think the major upset within me was the hope that I had that things were going to get better. It was such a blow when I got the call that my husband was being removed. Samething Callie, he was caught using. But it didn't happen just once, we got him into another one just shortly after and he was removed again. Then onto the 3rd one, he managed to finish and get his certificate, he had his car there and he wasn't even out of the parking lot, had some crack hidden under the ashtray and enough said....!
He said all the samethings to me that your husband is saying to you. I need to be with my family to get clean, I fell for that one to. Brought him back home, I just about went insane, needed 2 sets of eyes, one to sleep and one to keep and eye on him. He tried pulling the wool over my eyes, I knew he was lying, lying and the fights were on.
Oh and then there was the "well if I can't have my family there is no point in me stopping". It is all a game of manipulation! It doesn't matter if we do or don't do for them, if they are going to use they are going to use.
We just have to be strong and learn to keep the focus on us and the children. I know for me that any contact I had with him even over the phone he would just dragged me back down again.
Rose
Originally Posted by lightseeker
Callie -
Great insights above me. I'm just here to add moral support. Speaking from experience - I would not want a man with no clean time moving into my house. My RAH has stayed clean (not recovered) for 3 years and it is not worth the pain, misery, and anguish that I have gone through. I wish that I had stood my ground and said "show me a year of clean living, get your act together, and then we'll talk". Instead, when he moved in with me I became his higher power and let me tell you - I don't want that job. I was his "savior" that was going to help him stay sober. Addicts don't have relationships - they take hostages. Blah blah blah - I won't be able to do without you, etc. My ego was high on thinking that could be true. He has stayed sober but I have walked through hell in his sobriety. His addiction was covering up lots and lots of problems that neither or us had any idea of.....learning to deal with life on life's terms without drugs has been quite the experience and brought to light lots of character defects (his and mine!). I hope that you can stay strong and not surrender the well-being of your children and yourself. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
So sorry to hear about this - I know that you are disappointed.
Great insights above me. I'm just here to add moral support. Speaking from experience - I would not want a man with no clean time moving into my house. My RAH has stayed clean (not recovered) for 3 years and it is not worth the pain, misery, and anguish that I have gone through. I wish that I had stood my ground and said "show me a year of clean living, get your act together, and then we'll talk". Instead, when he moved in with me I became his higher power and let me tell you - I don't want that job. I was his "savior" that was going to help him stay sober. Addicts don't have relationships - they take hostages. Blah blah blah - I won't be able to do without you, etc. My ego was high on thinking that could be true. He has stayed sober but I have walked through hell in his sobriety. His addiction was covering up lots and lots of problems that neither or us had any idea of.....learning to deal with life on life's terms without drugs has been quite the experience and brought to light lots of character defects (his and mine!). I hope that you can stay strong and not surrender the well-being of your children and yourself. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
So sorry to hear about this - I know that you are disappointed.
Rose and Donna.... I NEEDED to read that. Thank you.
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Abundance -
No, thank YOU. It's posts like yours that make what I've gone through worth it. Addiction is a ruthless beast that I now understand will have its way no matter what anyone says or does. It's always looking for a way to rear its head and not give up it's precious ground. It wants people dead.
Callie, honey, hope that you are hanging in there. Hopes that are dashed are particularly painful. I know that there are many things about your current and past life that you cherish and it's hard to think about things changing. It's times like you are in right now that "one day at a time" has a particularly important meaning. You don't have to make any decisions today other than the next right thing for you and your children. I've learned that situations can make me emotionally drunk and I'm not fit to make a proper decision at those times. The best thing that I can do is keep doing the next right thing....for each moment. Hang tight to the boards and other friends in recovery. I've found that the "general public" loves to chime in and attempt to influence. Now is a great time to apply the principles of recovery to everything that is coming your way. Good for you for still doing the things that need to be done like getting the kids to soccer.
Thinking of you -
No, thank YOU. It's posts like yours that make what I've gone through worth it. Addiction is a ruthless beast that I now understand will have its way no matter what anyone says or does. It's always looking for a way to rear its head and not give up it's precious ground. It wants people dead.
Callie, honey, hope that you are hanging in there. Hopes that are dashed are particularly painful. I know that there are many things about your current and past life that you cherish and it's hard to think about things changing. It's times like you are in right now that "one day at a time" has a particularly important meaning. You don't have to make any decisions today other than the next right thing for you and your children. I've learned that situations can make me emotionally drunk and I'm not fit to make a proper decision at those times. The best thing that I can do is keep doing the next right thing....for each moment. Hang tight to the boards and other friends in recovery. I've found that the "general public" loves to chime in and attempt to influence. Now is a great time to apply the principles of recovery to everything that is coming your way. Good for you for still doing the things that need to be done like getting the kids to soccer.
Thinking of you -
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Callie........... Anvil is SO good at that isn't she?! I think I want to marry her... I hope she accepts my marriage proposal when I get my sex change 
Okay...... chica..... you are right now sounding so much better! And that is great! You are not shaking... you are not freaking out.... it's like you are in the calm before and after the storm. Take this time and savor this energy.
Keep on going.... and coming here and listen to your inner child/spirit.
When my guy relapsed ... he went to IOP high...... and then he was discharged for using. Also, how lame that he got punished for telling the truth. But ..... rules are rules... anyway you look at it. This is called dealing with life on life's terms .....
It sounds like he does want to get help... it sounds as though he is remorseful. Shoot... if my guy was offered those in the rehab house on day 8...... for sure he would have used. Just like when he got in touch with his dealer last Tuesday.... MAN I was SO mad at that dealer. How dare HE sabotage my guy's recovery. What a real JERK! But really.... my guy made the choice to do it.... and the dealer couldn't have been happier about it. He got his buddy back! They were even making plans to move in together..... well he just might get to make that plan come to fruition now. IDK.... but it's out of my hands.... and he is going to do what he is going to do.
When I was going crazy.... my guy would talk with me and tell me that I was going through the normal stages of grief. That is one of the remarkable things about my guy ... even though it's his addiction that is driving me to insanity... he can step outside of it and help me deal with it and calm me down. He was a healer to me on so many levels.... but that is to think about / talk about at another time.
Anyway..... I find that focusing on how I am feeling and how I am reacting vs. acting in situations brings me to the answers I am looking for. For example.... just observing how I am doing in whatever situation. It's like the cause and effect. This happens and I *feel* this way..... sure I want to fix it.. change it... have craving to feel differently or aversion to how I'm feeling....... but instead of immediately reacting to it....... I observe it. Observe the emotion/sensation at the time for what it is... it will pass, but in the meantime... just observe it. I observe it by acknowledging it by talking it out or writing it out.
Today I was told.... if you are in doubt..... don't make a decision.
I can't tell you just how much I understand what you are going through.... just be good to yourself and know that you are an amazing person.
What his next step is going to be does not have any correlation to you or what you are going to do.... keeping that in mind and staying with your program and what you are going to do - regardless of what he is going to do. you get it? Stay in your hula hoop....
You are already doing really well btw. You are taking your kids to soccer practice.... you are continuing on with your duties as a mother. You are staying true to yourself. When I was in the throws of it all last week, I wanted to know what to do...... even though I already knew what I needed to do.... I just wasn't ready to do it.
I guess what I really want to say most of all to you....... is that I am proud of you. You are staying honest with yourself and all around you. You are giving power to your self - worth and not his addiction.
Okay...... chica..... you are right now sounding so much better! And that is great! You are not shaking... you are not freaking out.... it's like you are in the calm before and after the storm. Take this time and savor this energy.
Keep on going.... and coming here and listen to your inner child/spirit.
When my guy relapsed ... he went to IOP high...... and then he was discharged for using. Also, how lame that he got punished for telling the truth. But ..... rules are rules... anyway you look at it. This is called dealing with life on life's terms .....
It sounds like he does want to get help... it sounds as though he is remorseful. Shoot... if my guy was offered those in the rehab house on day 8...... for sure he would have used. Just like when he got in touch with his dealer last Tuesday.... MAN I was SO mad at that dealer. How dare HE sabotage my guy's recovery. What a real JERK! But really.... my guy made the choice to do it.... and the dealer couldn't have been happier about it. He got his buddy back! They were even making plans to move in together..... well he just might get to make that plan come to fruition now. IDK.... but it's out of my hands.... and he is going to do what he is going to do.
When I was going crazy.... my guy would talk with me and tell me that I was going through the normal stages of grief. That is one of the remarkable things about my guy ... even though it's his addiction that is driving me to insanity... he can step outside of it and help me deal with it and calm me down. He was a healer to me on so many levels.... but that is to think about / talk about at another time.
Anyway..... I find that focusing on how I am feeling and how I am reacting vs. acting in situations brings me to the answers I am looking for. For example.... just observing how I am doing in whatever situation. It's like the cause and effect. This happens and I *feel* this way..... sure I want to fix it.. change it... have craving to feel differently or aversion to how I'm feeling....... but instead of immediately reacting to it....... I observe it. Observe the emotion/sensation at the time for what it is... it will pass, but in the meantime... just observe it. I observe it by acknowledging it by talking it out or writing it out.
Today I was told.... if you are in doubt..... don't make a decision.
I can't tell you just how much I understand what you are going through.... just be good to yourself and know that you are an amazing person.
What his next step is going to be does not have any correlation to you or what you are going to do.... keeping that in mind and staying with your program and what you are going to do - regardless of what he is going to do. you get it? Stay in your hula hoop....
You are already doing really well btw. You are taking your kids to soccer practice.... you are continuing on with your duties as a mother. You are staying true to yourself. When I was in the throws of it all last week, I wanted to know what to do...... even though I already knew what I needed to do.... I just wasn't ready to do it.
I guess what I really want to say most of all to you....... is that I am proud of you. You are staying honest with yourself and all around you. You are giving power to your self - worth and not his addiction.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Oh yeah..... I was thinking that Hank might be kind of an obstacle
My guy asked me a few times after the relapse if I honestly really thought this wouldn't have happened. That he really would have gotten it the first time around??? I told him....... that I had hope. But that expectations typically are just future resentments. But I was hoping.... and that I thought he was strong enough to really do it. That he was going to at least get right back into recovery if he did relapse.
Also Callie.... when I showed my guy one of your posts asking what you should do..... in regards to the whole divorce thing while he is in rehab...... his advice was the following:
"I'm sorry to say this, but she should stick with him in re-hab and then right before or after he gets out..... divorce him. Just so that he at least gets some tools." And then..... he said...... "That is what I was expecting you to do to me." I told him that I hadn't even thought of that..... and I wouldn't and I didn't. It's no wonder that he didn't put up a fight to not use..... as well as..... a fight not to have left last night when I asked him to leave.
My guy asked me a few times after the relapse if I honestly really thought this wouldn't have happened. That he really would have gotten it the first time around??? I told him....... that I had hope. But that expectations typically are just future resentments. But I was hoping.... and that I thought he was strong enough to really do it. That he was going to at least get right back into recovery if he did relapse.
Also Callie.... when I showed my guy one of your posts asking what you should do..... in regards to the whole divorce thing while he is in rehab...... his advice was the following:
"I'm sorry to say this, but she should stick with him in re-hab and then right before or after he gets out..... divorce him. Just so that he at least gets some tools." And then..... he said...... "That is what I was expecting you to do to me." I told him that I hadn't even thought of that..... and I wouldn't and I didn't. It's no wonder that he didn't put up a fight to not use..... as well as..... a fight not to have left last night when I asked him to leave.
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Join Date: May 2008
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Geeze guys (abs and AH). I am completely torn. It's not that I want to stay with him or be married to him. It's just that I completely see his heart and who he can be. He's played me, no doubt. He's played my family whom I cherish - no doubt. BUT I see him today and I KNOW he's clean and trying. He asked what can I do to relieve the W/D's and I told him what I've learned here. He's abided by everything that I've said about doing/telling the kids because he "knows I've got their very best interests @ heart." He's said "I want this so very badly" but I cannot promise you tomorrow or next week or next month. He DID choose to take those pills. I KNOW he did, but again I've never been in the massive throes of withdrawal.
He's only 8 miles from here right now, but my kids think he's miles away "getting better". He's abided by everything I've layed down for him thus far as far as not disrupting their world. For that I'm grateful.
I guess I'm at a point where "I" can let go myself as painful as it will be. But whether we're together or not I don't want to bury him. I don't want to be standing OVER him putting him in the ground. I want to help him for himself. For the person that I and everyone else sees him for. I KNOW it's not a healthy R or M. But I just believe in him so much. I KNOW he can do this. Maybe not enough to meet my standards, but he can at least lead a right life for himself, his family, my family and most importantly MY family (kids).
I realize through all of this that I may be deemed "sick as him". I don't deny that. But ya know I don't come from addiction. I come from trust. I don't surround myself by people who willfully lie to me on a daily basis. From my world, I trust most everything that everyone tells me. If I catch them in a lie, what do I do? Most likely forgive them. It takes a few 2 x 4's to get me to never trust you again. Call it naieve, stupid, dumb or whatever, but that was the way that I was raised. I come from a GREAT family, with a GREAT childhood. All of this is foreign to me. I know many think I'm a complete codie and I'm not denying that. But damn#t I see him and KNOW him to be better than this.
If I leave he has NOTHING but his codie mother. She's EXTREMELY codie. The roles between mother and son are completely reversed because AH is in control of that. Without me his entire family (except his mom) turns their back on him. My entire family turns their back on him. Does he deserve all of this -- probably yes. But that means taking my kids, ah, his family down too. I'm not trying to toot my own horn but there is NOBODY in his family who will stand up and fight for him. NOBODY. His very own dad who he loves and cherishes hasn't called for 1.5 weeks. I tell you if it were )MY( son I'd be fighting tooth and nail. AH's dad has his "own life' and can't be bothered. Foreign to me I guess.
For tonight only he's clean. I hope he's had a trip instead of an entire fall. Thanks for reading. and I welcome ANY advice good or bad. Anvil - I didn't want to hear it, but I'm so glad for the 2 x 4's. I truely mean that girl. Again, nobody will hurt my feelings, I'll take all of the shout outs or advice that I can get.
He's only 8 miles from here right now, but my kids think he's miles away "getting better". He's abided by everything I've layed down for him thus far as far as not disrupting their world. For that I'm grateful.
I guess I'm at a point where "I" can let go myself as painful as it will be. But whether we're together or not I don't want to bury him. I don't want to be standing OVER him putting him in the ground. I want to help him for himself. For the person that I and everyone else sees him for. I KNOW it's not a healthy R or M. But I just believe in him so much. I KNOW he can do this. Maybe not enough to meet my standards, but he can at least lead a right life for himself, his family, my family and most importantly MY family (kids).
I realize through all of this that I may be deemed "sick as him". I don't deny that. But ya know I don't come from addiction. I come from trust. I don't surround myself by people who willfully lie to me on a daily basis. From my world, I trust most everything that everyone tells me. If I catch them in a lie, what do I do? Most likely forgive them. It takes a few 2 x 4's to get me to never trust you again. Call it naieve, stupid, dumb or whatever, but that was the way that I was raised. I come from a GREAT family, with a GREAT childhood. All of this is foreign to me. I know many think I'm a complete codie and I'm not denying that. But damn#t I see him and KNOW him to be better than this.
If I leave he has NOTHING but his codie mother. She's EXTREMELY codie. The roles between mother and son are completely reversed because AH is in control of that. Without me his entire family (except his mom) turns their back on him. My entire family turns their back on him. Does he deserve all of this -- probably yes. But that means taking my kids, ah, his family down too. I'm not trying to toot my own horn but there is NOBODY in his family who will stand up and fight for him. NOBODY. His very own dad who he loves and cherishes hasn't called for 1.5 weeks. I tell you if it were )MY( son I'd be fighting tooth and nail. AH's dad has his "own life' and can't be bothered. Foreign to me I guess.
For tonight only he's clean. I hope he's had a trip instead of an entire fall. Thanks for reading. and I welcome ANY advice good or bad. Anvil - I didn't want to hear it, but I'm so glad for the 2 x 4's. I truely mean that girl. Again, nobody will hurt my feelings, I'll take all of the shout outs or advice that I can get.
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I want to help him for himself.
Without me his entire family (except his mom) turns their back on him.
Step back for a year at least and watch and see if HIS ACTIONS match his 'oh so sorry and you are right and I want this so bad' words.
Sorry to sound cynical, but you see I was the way your AH is for many many years before finding recovery so..........................................instea d of looking at 'his potential' and 'the person you know he can be' look at the person you have been living with, who has continued to lie to you, is this WHAT YOU WANT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE????
Only you can answer that. He has to want recovery FOR HIMSELF (not for you, not for the family, but for himself) more than he wants to continue to use, and only he will know when he has reached his bottom.
Please take the focus off of him, and put it on you and the kids.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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Originally Posted by Callie
I'm not trying to toot my own horn but there is NOBODY in his family who will stand up and fight for him. NOBODY. His very own dad who he loves and cherishes hasn't called for 1.5 weeks. I tell you if it were )MY( son I'd be fighting tooth and nail. AH's dad has his "own life' and can't be bothered. Foreign to me I guess.
You can't save him Callie. You can offer support and compassion but you can't save him. It isn't your job, it's his:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rty-lines.html
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Sorry Callie - they are ABSOLUTELY right. I didn't want to hear it either, but even though you won't believe me, you will actually make this worse for everybody if you don't set hard boundaries and keep them. Look at your posts and the time frames. Don't do a thing for a while (ie, more than a day). Tell him you have to see some real progress before you'll consider letting him live in the same house with your kids. Remember what he was doing the day before he checked in? You didn't have a clue!
The best indicator of future performance is past performance. Ask a million people who've been through this - they will say anything to get what they want! Make him show you something! I've seen people at my XAH's treatment facility who've been in and out of treatment up to 16 times. This is excruciating business and we non-addicts don't get to check out and forget from time to time. Step back and tell him you need some time and space to figure out what YOU need to do for YOU and the KIDS. Don't let him rush you. What he says is meaningless, utterly, only go by what he does.
Read what you felt like this morning - are you willing to go through it again?
The best indicator of future performance is past performance. Ask a million people who've been through this - they will say anything to get what they want! Make him show you something! I've seen people at my XAH's treatment facility who've been in and out of treatment up to 16 times. This is excruciating business and we non-addicts don't get to check out and forget from time to time. Step back and tell him you need some time and space to figure out what YOU need to do for YOU and the KIDS. Don't let him rush you. What he says is meaningless, utterly, only go by what he does.
Read what you felt like this morning - are you willing to go through it again?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Originally Posted by Callie
MY AH has said that if he doesn't have me (and my family) that he chooses to be high for the rest of his life and only sober up when he sees the kids. He's now lost his job, his house, his wife, gotten himself kicked out of rehab. His family will turn their back on him (except for his extremely codie mom). What does he have to live for. That will be his mentality. I haven't even spoken with him yet.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Callie -- I haven't read the replies, only your fist post, but I wanted to check in and let you know I'm praying for you and sending hugs.
I will share this though, your AH had to leave rehab and mine can't leave. Apparently he was incoherent and had to be physically restrained. He is on a 72 hour hold and needs to be released by a doctor before he can go anywhere. And he has scrapes and bruises all over.
OH, The INSANITY!
I will share this though, your AH had to leave rehab and mine can't leave. Apparently he was incoherent and had to be physically restrained. He is on a 72 hour hold and needs to be released by a doctor before he can go anywhere. And he has scrapes and bruises all over.
OH, The INSANITY!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Originally Posted by Callie
If I leave he has NOTHING but his codie mother. She's EXTREMELY codie. The roles between mother and son are completely reversed because AH is in control of that. Without me his entire family (except his mom) turns their back on him. My entire family turns their back on him. Does he deserve all of this -- probably yes. But that means taking my kids, ah, his family down too. I'm not trying to toot my own horn but there is NOBODY in his family who will stand up and fight for him. NOBODY. His very own dad who he loves and cherishes hasn't called for 1.5 weeks. I tell you if it were )MY( son I'd be fighting tooth and nail. AH's dad has his "own life' and can't be bothered. Foreign to me I guess.
I have been on both sides of the fence, as a recovering addict, and as a recovering codie.
My oldest daughter got kicked out of rehab in less than a week because she wanted a bed and breakfast and would attend classes when she wanted to.
When I went to rehab and was finally allowed to call my parents, the first thing out of my mother's mouth was 'You don't belong there with those people'!
I did not have the support of my family when I first got clean. My husband at the time was still actively using, and 2 hours away.
The only support I got from him were phone calls threatening to kill me if I didn't leave rehab and come home.
The resources out there for an addict in recovery, including, and for me, most importantly, other recovering addict are limitless.
Someone who truly wants to get clean and change their life does not have to have family support to do it.
I am living proof.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
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Sometimes we parents have to say "enough is enough" and find a better way of life. My daughter hit her bottom when she was ready, not because of anything that I did or did not do. She is in recovery and I am very supportive. If she chooses to go back out and use, she will be on her own. I love her now and I will love her no matter what, but I won't ruin my life chasing her around and trying to make her better. That is her job. I have my own. No one but your husband is responsible for what is happening to him. When I was growing up my mother used to tell me that "you made your bed, now lie in it". In other words we are all responsible for our own behavior. Your husband will find recovery when he is ready and the only thing your being there to champion for him will do is give him someone to blame when things don't go his way. Step aside and see what he is capable of doing. You may be surprised. Hugs, Marle
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
My stepsister is 40. Her father bailed her out time and time again. She used and dealt drugs since she was a teenager (not to mention stints involving prostitution and id theft). She finally got her act together about 5 years ago and is now a counselor in a rehab facility.
She recently told my mother she wishes her father had NOT bailed her out all those times, so that she might have experienced her bottom sooner and she could have had more time sober in her life.
Her father thought he was her savior. Despite everyone telling him he wasn't doing her any good, he fought like hell (almost lost his marriage and caused some real damage to it) to rescue her. And what did he get in the end? A thank you? Nope, just the opposite. All that time, energy and funds were for nothing. They did more damage than good, according to the very person he thought he was saving.
She recently told my mother she wishes her father had NOT bailed her out all those times, so that she might have experienced her bottom sooner and she could have had more time sober in her life.
Her father thought he was her savior. Despite everyone telling him he wasn't doing her any good, he fought like hell (almost lost his marriage and caused some real damage to it) to rescue her. And what did he get in the end? A thank you? Nope, just the opposite. All that time, energy and funds were for nothing. They did more damage than good, according to the very person he thought he was saving.
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Join Date: May 2008
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To all of the parents with AK's I apologize. I didn't mean to offend any of you. With my AH and the comment about his dad "not being bothered"- his dad has really never been there for him. I'm sorry if I touched a nerve with any of you.
Thank you so much for all of your responses and for the "in your face" truth that I desperately need. I realize that I went from "frantic" at 9 am to "it's ok, it is under control" by 10 pm. That has pretty much been my life for a while now. All the while caring for 2 kids, being buried at work, cooking dinner, doing laundry and coaching soccer.
I know you are all right - detach, detach, detach. Thank you for being there for me yesterday and please don't give up on me yet.
Thank you so much for all of your responses and for the "in your face" truth that I desperately need. I realize that I went from "frantic" at 9 am to "it's ok, it is under control" by 10 pm. That has pretty much been my life for a while now. All the while caring for 2 kids, being buried at work, cooking dinner, doing laundry and coaching soccer.
I know you are all right - detach, detach, detach. Thank you for being there for me yesterday and please don't give up on me yet.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Callie, We will never give up on you. It took me a long time to learn to detach from my daughter's addiction. It is progress, not perfection and you have come a long way. You will find your way. Don't give up. Keep posting and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
Callie, you are having "forgetters" because you talked with him yesterday. Each time I do that with my AH, I can't tell reality from lies anymore, once I'm sucked in. It's almost like a relapse you are having now, and if taken further, makes it harder to come back just like an addiction. This is what happens each time you talk to him, feeding into his " poor me's." .......Until he has some real life changing recovery, it will be the same old, same old, and you will get sicker too.
I'm sorry to be so straight forward with you right now, but I'm afraid you are relapsing into him. I see it, because I have seen it with myself many times. You don't have to do divorce today, but I would advise a legal seperation if you can afford it to keep you safe from any financial disasters, and have a safety plan for the childrens sake as well.
Huggs,
NH7
I'm sorry to be so straight forward with you right now, but I'm afraid you are relapsing into him. I see it, because I have seen it with myself many times. You don't have to do divorce today, but I would advise a legal seperation if you can afford it to keep you safe from any financial disasters, and have a safety plan for the childrens sake as well.
Huggs,
NH7
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
It just doesn't seem like he DOES want to be sober. I know that we all can't know the future, but the constant reiteration of, "I can't promise I won't get high tomorrow," is BS on his part. It means he's still looking for a door to use and will always look for a door to use until he's recovered both physically, mentally and spiritually.
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