Welcome to *my* personal relapse journey........
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Originally Posted by itisatruth 
You are absolutely right: you and your boys do deserve this -- a life of stability and happiness, without lies, without insanity, without addiction. I'm so glad you were able to get to this point -- I mean, I know you must be sad about this too, but you are doing exactly what you wrote on your mirror. You are taking your self-worth and not giving it up again for him. I am happy for you and hope to watch as you grow even more in your own recovery.
Hope you can catch up on your sleep very soon....you must be exhausted!
:ghug3
PS: Glad you like the song too, I'm going to see him in concert on the 27th
I LOVE Jack Johnson! His latest album really helped me over a few months.... like he was singing to me!
Have you seen him live before? I saw him back in Apirl and it was a healing show. It was cool..... both nights... the skies opened up with a warm shower of rain for a few minutes mid set
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Fair Oaks
Posts: 1
So very proud.....
I read all of this tonight. We didn't get a chance to talk today, my cell battery is dead because my charger broke, so no text.....and an email, without having read this, would have been really one sided.
To anyone other that Abundance, I am her best friend. She introduced me to this site some time ago. I have never made the time to read an entire thread. I had to today.
I want to thank all of you for the support you have given. Just like most things in life, without personal experience with something, it is difficult for one to show the patience or understanding that someone who has actually lived through or is going through, can give. I try, I love, I try to encourage....but that is why, a site like this, is so wonderful. We don't just have to rely on friends, family, etc.....there is an entire world out there that we share things in common with. Both good and bad. By reaching out. By being honest. We can find people to inspire, encourage, support with no strings, no unwanted or unsolicited advice.
When one of you break it down for another, it is from a place of love, and with the power of experience. That is the beauty of this forum. None of you have to hold anything back out of fear of not being invited to a BBQ on Saturday......or not being spoken to for awhile. There is security with the honesty you all share with one another....and that is beautiful communication, is a comfort to not only you who are responding and posting, but to others who just "check-in" from time to time.
There is safety is numbers.....misery loves company.....and it is so reassuring to know, that none of us are fools for loving and not wanting to give up hope.
As someone who isn't involved with someone facing this challenge, I admit my initial reaction is hasty and firm. Through life experiences, I have learned to never say never, and I am old enough to know that sometimes, we are all surprised with what we are willing to put up with. This wisdom I possess allows me to admit not knowing my a$$ from a hole in the ground at times, hopefully, this fact helps me be a bit more evolved and not so quick to judge or act as though, I would "never" deal with such things. Instead, I am thankful, grateful that this particular challenge hasn't presented itself to me, but I can reach to the depths of my soul, my mind, my heart, to imagine....and attempt to put myself in this situation with a loved one....and wonder, how I would truly deal.
With all of this being said, Abundance, I am so proud of you. I know the past couple of years has been a bit of a bumpy ride. I know the past 60 or so days have been some of the most amazing, as well as, some of the most devastating.
I want you to know, how much I was pulling, hoping, wishing, & praying...that your faith in your A was going to reward you all. He would get well. You would have your soul fellow......your family could get to see the man you know he could/can be. I know you want stability. You want some structure. You may not need the white picket fence.....but you do crave some basic foundational security.....such as honesty......and you sooooo, beyond deserve that. As do your boys.....your family......
You have the most amazing, accepting, unconditional love to offer. I want this for you so much. I feel as though at one point or another, everyone in your life, myself included, have let you down. I know to some extent, everyone lets someone down, or feels let down by loved ones....but with you.....the purest of hearts.....the kindest of souls.....you deserve what you radiate yourself so very honestly, organically, naturally,unconditionally, and willingly.
I feel blessed to have you in my life.....and I thank the universe and anyone who will hear, or read, or see me say......just how special you are!
I know music is important to you, when I have the chance to listen, it means so very much to me as well. When I heard this song for the first time, I felt so very happy to hear words that I felt explained the peace I have with my mate. There is just a calm there. I know how fortunate we are to have that because I have learned in life, there are issues, and challenges that arise....and not all of them are under my roof.....but, they effect my spirit, my energy, my mind.....which is why, I am so very aware that alone, and together, we have a sanctuary. I am not trying to act like we have it made in the shade because you know that we are usually broke as a joke.....and we are human and things aren't always perfect.....however, I can count on him not to add to the "drama" of life. A partner who more often than not, puts me above all else.....perhaps second only to the children. And logically I get that this isn't your A choice....he has a disease....and if he could choose recovery.....and live a life of recovery.....I would love for him and you to experience this calm. Consistently, be able to rely on it.....and not know a world where you could depend on it.
I am proud of you.....I love you......I am here for you.....and I thank your supporters here.....and hope my lack of knowledge of life experience in this area hasn't offended anyone by my reaching out.
Easy Silence lyrics
When the calls and conversations
Accidents and accusations
Messages and misperceptions
Paralyze my mind
Busses, cars, and airplanes leaving
Burning fumes of gasoline
And everyone is running
And I come to find a refuge in the
Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay
Monkeys on the barricades
Are warning us to back away
They form commissions trying to find
The next one they can crucify
And anger plays on every station
Answers only make more questions
I need something to believe in
Breathe in sanctuary in the
Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay
Children lose their youth too soon
Watching war made us immune
And I've got all the world to lose
But I just want to hold on to the
Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay
To anyone other that Abundance, I am her best friend. She introduced me to this site some time ago. I have never made the time to read an entire thread. I had to today.
I want to thank all of you for the support you have given. Just like most things in life, without personal experience with something, it is difficult for one to show the patience or understanding that someone who has actually lived through or is going through, can give. I try, I love, I try to encourage....but that is why, a site like this, is so wonderful. We don't just have to rely on friends, family, etc.....there is an entire world out there that we share things in common with. Both good and bad. By reaching out. By being honest. We can find people to inspire, encourage, support with no strings, no unwanted or unsolicited advice.
When one of you break it down for another, it is from a place of love, and with the power of experience. That is the beauty of this forum. None of you have to hold anything back out of fear of not being invited to a BBQ on Saturday......or not being spoken to for awhile. There is security with the honesty you all share with one another....and that is beautiful communication, is a comfort to not only you who are responding and posting, but to others who just "check-in" from time to time.
There is safety is numbers.....misery loves company.....and it is so reassuring to know, that none of us are fools for loving and not wanting to give up hope.
As someone who isn't involved with someone facing this challenge, I admit my initial reaction is hasty and firm. Through life experiences, I have learned to never say never, and I am old enough to know that sometimes, we are all surprised with what we are willing to put up with. This wisdom I possess allows me to admit not knowing my a$$ from a hole in the ground at times, hopefully, this fact helps me be a bit more evolved and not so quick to judge or act as though, I would "never" deal with such things. Instead, I am thankful, grateful that this particular challenge hasn't presented itself to me, but I can reach to the depths of my soul, my mind, my heart, to imagine....and attempt to put myself in this situation with a loved one....and wonder, how I would truly deal.
With all of this being said, Abundance, I am so proud of you. I know the past couple of years has been a bit of a bumpy ride. I know the past 60 or so days have been some of the most amazing, as well as, some of the most devastating.
I want you to know, how much I was pulling, hoping, wishing, & praying...that your faith in your A was going to reward you all. He would get well. You would have your soul fellow......your family could get to see the man you know he could/can be. I know you want stability. You want some structure. You may not need the white picket fence.....but you do crave some basic foundational security.....such as honesty......and you sooooo, beyond deserve that. As do your boys.....your family......
You have the most amazing, accepting, unconditional love to offer. I want this for you so much. I feel as though at one point or another, everyone in your life, myself included, have let you down. I know to some extent, everyone lets someone down, or feels let down by loved ones....but with you.....the purest of hearts.....the kindest of souls.....you deserve what you radiate yourself so very honestly, organically, naturally,unconditionally, and willingly.
I feel blessed to have you in my life.....and I thank the universe and anyone who will hear, or read, or see me say......just how special you are!
I know music is important to you, when I have the chance to listen, it means so very much to me as well. When I heard this song for the first time, I felt so very happy to hear words that I felt explained the peace I have with my mate. There is just a calm there. I know how fortunate we are to have that because I have learned in life, there are issues, and challenges that arise....and not all of them are under my roof.....but, they effect my spirit, my energy, my mind.....which is why, I am so very aware that alone, and together, we have a sanctuary. I am not trying to act like we have it made in the shade because you know that we are usually broke as a joke.....and we are human and things aren't always perfect.....however, I can count on him not to add to the "drama" of life. A partner who more often than not, puts me above all else.....perhaps second only to the children. And logically I get that this isn't your A choice....he has a disease....and if he could choose recovery.....and live a life of recovery.....I would love for him and you to experience this calm. Consistently, be able to rely on it.....and not know a world where you could depend on it.
I am proud of you.....I love you......I am here for you.....and I thank your supporters here.....and hope my lack of knowledge of life experience in this area hasn't offended anyone by my reaching out.
Easy Silence lyrics
When the calls and conversations
Accidents and accusations
Messages and misperceptions
Paralyze my mind
Busses, cars, and airplanes leaving
Burning fumes of gasoline
And everyone is running
And I come to find a refuge in the
Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay
Monkeys on the barricades
Are warning us to back away
They form commissions trying to find
The next one they can crucify
And anger plays on every station
Answers only make more questions
I need something to believe in
Breathe in sanctuary in the
Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay
Children lose their youth too soon
Watching war made us immune
And I've got all the world to lose
But I just want to hold on to the
Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
As someone who isn't involved with someone facing this challenge, I admit my initial reaction is hasty and firm. Through life experiences, I have learned to never say never, and I am old enough to know that sometimes, we are all surprised with what we are willing to put up with. This wisdom I possess allows me to admit not knowing my a$$ from a hole in the ground at times, hopefully, this fact helps me be a bit more evolved and not so quick to judge or act as though, I would "never" deal with such things. Instead, I am thankful, grateful that this particular challenge hasn't presented itself to me, but I can reach to the depths of my soul, my mind, my heart, to imagine....and attempt to put myself in this situation with a loved one....and wonder, how I would truly deal.
With all of this being said, Abundance, I am so proud of you.
With all of this being said, Abundance, I am so proud of you.
Abundance, keep that writing on your mirror, especially now, when you may be experiencing different emotions. Do you have anymore light switches available?
You have so many things to look forward to and so many gifts to give to the world....your positive attitude being one, being a good mother another, and your growth in your recovery to share here.
I've never seen Jack Johnson but I have seen one of is live concerts on dvd -- it looks like it's going to be an awesome show. I'm very excited about it! His music has helped me "mellow out" so many times, I can't wait to sing along and dance to it live.
-- a dancing banana for "Banana Pancakes"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
4kids4me!!!!!!!!! WOAH!!!!!!!! You have the same avatar as stellargirls!!!!! Ha Ha Ha! WHAT A TRIP!!!!!!!!
I have been crying here this morning.... just trying to process through all of this. LIKE serious bi-polar rapid kind of cycling on the hour. I am WITHDRAWING from all of this! Man ...... I TOTALLY relapsed into what addiction does to the significant other.......
and check this out.... this is such a SIGN from my HP just how much support I have out there ........ me and stellargirl got really close back in december..... I spoke with her on the phone while my guy was moving out 2 nights ago. And then last night we videod for hours online........ and then I see that my best friend 4kids4me..... chose the same avatar as stellargirl. She knows of my friend - but doesn't know her as stellargirl on here! WHAT A TRIP!!!!!!!!!!!
Please God.... give me the courage and the strength to get through this. To come out of this okay. I am not going to give power to ANY negativity around this.
4kids4me............. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank you for sharing all of that. I LOVE YOU xoxoox
Truth......... I LOVE my dancing banana! I'm saving it for my signature! Thank you
I have been crying here this morning.... just trying to process through all of this. LIKE serious bi-polar rapid kind of cycling on the hour. I am WITHDRAWING from all of this! Man ...... I TOTALLY relapsed into what addiction does to the significant other.......
and check this out.... this is such a SIGN from my HP just how much support I have out there ........ me and stellargirl got really close back in december..... I spoke with her on the phone while my guy was moving out 2 nights ago. And then last night we videod for hours online........ and then I see that my best friend 4kids4me..... chose the same avatar as stellargirl. She knows of my friend - but doesn't know her as stellargirl on here! WHAT A TRIP!!!!!!!!!!!
Please God.... give me the courage and the strength to get through this. To come out of this okay. I am not going to give power to ANY negativity around this.
4kids4me............. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank you for sharing all of that. I LOVE YOU xoxoox
Truth......... I LOVE my dancing banana! I'm saving it for my signature! Thank you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
ONE year later.......
***~*~**~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~**~*~*~**~**~**~**~*~*~ *~*~*~*
*This is one year later*
Oh... I'm so glad to have this all written down and to be able to read it.
He ended up moving back in - a few weeks later. <insert time line> of 9/08 thru 6/09, of what life was like living together.
Now... since mid 6/09 and the end of 8/09 - for over 2 months now - I have been on my own. And on 8/2/09 - I had what would be a relapse or emotional drunk - and it was proof that I absolutely have to go - No Contact.
Tomorrow the boys both begin school after having summer vacation, and as we are all in the moment of getting "prepared" for the transition, my oldest cooking mac n cheese, and they both are getting showered before bed, and exited and nervous about the first day of school - I'm too feeling some crazy emotions. I'm thinking about how I'm going to do this... but then I remind myself... it's not "how".... it's ... I AM! One foot in front of the other... and moving forward.
I had my healing meeting today- and my lesson this week is to think about how I "abandon my feelings". Reading this thread is a prime example - but what I was also doing - was working through/processing through it all. I was having many feelings.... and those feelings were trying to actually tell me what I was to hear- I just wasn't open to hearing it!
It's great to read posts/replies that are old- I am actually receiving it much differently now than I was then! I wasn't ready to hear it then.
I just listened to that song my best friend posted - YouTube - Easy Silence
Everyday I am learning and am able to create that "easy silence" for myself... from myself .... to myself. In doing so, I am not abandoning my feelings, but giving them honor and allowing them a place to stay..... and teach myself to not allow my feelings to be abandoned anymore..... period! I am not a victim or an enabler..... I will be true to myself - and strong in myself...... so that I don't abandon my feelings!
I'll never forget that relapse from last year......
Tonight- I was getting lonely, but I'd rather be lonely than deal with all of that pain. It's like when Sia sings... "let him go - he can't hurt you". He can't hurt me anymore..... only by memories... no more making *new* memories.
Right now - I would love to have a ciggie, btw - and it's a darn good thing there are none around me - because quite honestly, it sure would be nice to have one right now. But I know that it will pass. Just like I know the whirlwind of emotions I am feeling is also going to pass. Change is forever constant!
My 9 year old boy woke up in dream state tonight. When I put him back to bed, we were cuddling and he said that he was going to miss me sooooo much tomorrow while at school. That is so sweet... but I told him that he'll get right in the groove of it as soon as he returns as he is so familiar of the routine there. That right away gave him comfort. We all have spent such a lovely last couple of months together, despite the sadness/anger of my *x* moving out. Now... THIS is where the rubber hits the road! It's going to get really bumpy.... and during these next few months.... I'm going to go with what I know..... and that is being .... Aware - Present - Loving - Kind - Compassionate - and Making the Best of What's Around!
Have the annual trip to the Gorge coming up for Labor Day Weekend! It's going to be my 4th one in a row. love it there! Everything has been paid for since Feb/Mar - so aside from standard cost of food..... I don't expect much more cost.
I was telling myself last night - I can't believe that "here I am... back here again.... out of a relationship ...single..... and making plans only for ME........ and only *me* having to keep my boys in mind. At first there was negative feedback from my - self... but I turned it around! It's all about perception!
I spent time with a mutual friend of ours earlier this week - they still keep in touch .... she just got her 6 month chip.... and they used to snort oxy together..... but that was prior rehab days. It was hard on me actually, having a piece of *him* here with me..... I'm pretty grateful that I don't have to deal with having the same friends. So grateful, in fact.
Okay - I have to get to bed.... Morning comes quick.
Peace and Love xoxoxo
*This is one year later*
Oh... I'm so glad to have this all written down and to be able to read it.
He ended up moving back in - a few weeks later. <insert time line> of 9/08 thru 6/09, of what life was like living together.
Now... since mid 6/09 and the end of 8/09 - for over 2 months now - I have been on my own. And on 8/2/09 - I had what would be a relapse or emotional drunk - and it was proof that I absolutely have to go - No Contact.
Tomorrow the boys both begin school after having summer vacation, and as we are all in the moment of getting "prepared" for the transition, my oldest cooking mac n cheese, and they both are getting showered before bed, and exited and nervous about the first day of school - I'm too feeling some crazy emotions. I'm thinking about how I'm going to do this... but then I remind myself... it's not "how".... it's ... I AM! One foot in front of the other... and moving forward.
I had my healing meeting today- and my lesson this week is to think about how I "abandon my feelings". Reading this thread is a prime example - but what I was also doing - was working through/processing through it all. I was having many feelings.... and those feelings were trying to actually tell me what I was to hear- I just wasn't open to hearing it!
It's great to read posts/replies that are old- I am actually receiving it much differently now than I was then! I wasn't ready to hear it then.
I just listened to that song my best friend posted - YouTube - Easy Silence
Everyday I am learning and am able to create that "easy silence" for myself... from myself .... to myself. In doing so, I am not abandoning my feelings, but giving them honor and allowing them a place to stay..... and teach myself to not allow my feelings to be abandoned anymore..... period! I am not a victim or an enabler..... I will be true to myself - and strong in myself...... so that I don't abandon my feelings!
I'll never forget that relapse from last year......
Tonight- I was getting lonely, but I'd rather be lonely than deal with all of that pain. It's like when Sia sings... "let him go - he can't hurt you". He can't hurt me anymore..... only by memories... no more making *new* memories.
Right now - I would love to have a ciggie, btw - and it's a darn good thing there are none around me - because quite honestly, it sure would be nice to have one right now. But I know that it will pass. Just like I know the whirlwind of emotions I am feeling is also going to pass. Change is forever constant!
My 9 year old boy woke up in dream state tonight. When I put him back to bed, we were cuddling and he said that he was going to miss me sooooo much tomorrow while at school. That is so sweet... but I told him that he'll get right in the groove of it as soon as he returns as he is so familiar of the routine there. That right away gave him comfort. We all have spent such a lovely last couple of months together, despite the sadness/anger of my *x* moving out. Now... THIS is where the rubber hits the road! It's going to get really bumpy.... and during these next few months.... I'm going to go with what I know..... and that is being .... Aware - Present - Loving - Kind - Compassionate - and Making the Best of What's Around!
Have the annual trip to the Gorge coming up for Labor Day Weekend!
It's going to be my 4th one in a row. love it there! Everything has been paid for since Feb/Mar - so aside from standard cost of food..... I don't expect much more cost. I was telling myself last night - I can't believe that "here I am... back here again.... out of a relationship ...single..... and making plans only for ME........ and only *me* having to keep my boys in mind. At first there was negative feedback from my - self... but I turned it around! It's all about perception!
I spent time with a mutual friend of ours earlier this week - they still keep in touch .... she just got her 6 month chip.... and they used to snort oxy together..... but that was prior rehab days. It was hard on me actually, having a piece of *him* here with me..... I'm pretty grateful that I don't have to deal with having the same friends. So grateful, in fact.
Okay - I have to get to bed....
Morning comes quick. Peace and Love xoxoxo
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Geeze - it's amazing how our addicts can make us so crazy. They can overtake our minds, our hearts and souls. As if WE are taking the drugs. I re-read MY posts to you a year ago, but yet 'I' am no better off than you were @ that time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Originally Posted by Callie
Geeze - it's amazing how our addicts can make us so crazy. They can overtake our minds, our hearts and souls. As if WE are taking the drugs. I re-read MY posts to you a year ago, but yet 'I' am no better off than you were @ that time.
I don't know what post it 'was' (about 9 months ago maybe?) ... but at one point - i was doing really well in my recovery and then BOOM... I fell back... and someone posted saying they saw me getting sicker and deeper into it. And it couldn't have been more dead on.
I call it addiction fog.
Now the fog has been lifted and at times I still have the "wawawawawaawawaaa's" between my ears. Like I have to shake my head out of it... and remember that while it felt like a dream... (night mare) - it's most certainly NOT... and it's very real.... and I can relapse again at any time!
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Just as the A's relapse, we can too. Been there myself (recently) The thing is, we know where to turn, we know where we are loved & understood, and hopefully none of us will go totally CRAZY, and all the way back b/4 we found support. Yep, we each need to go back to step 1 time & again, but IMO it just reinforces our knowledge and acceptance of what is. We acknowledge that we are powerless over the A's but we are empowered to make choices that are right for us. You have done just that, made the choices that will benefit you & your boys. 
Hoping you & your boys have a wonderful evening.
Hugs,
Chris
Hoping you & your boys have a wonderful evening.
Hugs,
Chris
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Originally Posted by Serenity Bound
The thing is, we know where to turn, we know where we are loved & understood, and hopefully none of us will go totally CRAZY, and all the way back b/4 we found support.
I do not ever want to go back there!!! But we do have to remind ourselves....these "lessons" we've learned are not something to minimize -- they are life tools we need to take with us!
Abs ~ you know what I'm getting from reading your last post.....I'm seeing a lot of YOU AND YOUR BOYS and not him. You are living it.... you are doing for you, having those wonderful moments with your beautiful boys ---- and enjoying them --- WITHOUT the drama/chaos/stress/anxiety that you lived with before - and that's a very good thing! SO, stay vigilant about your recovery but know that you can do this and are already on your way!!
Big hugs!!!
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