My son and my recovery

Old 08-08-2008, 12:29 PM
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StrivingToThrive
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My son and my recovery

Hi SR friends,
Thank you again for all of your support when I asked regarding this issue. So I thought I would give you and update on how it all went.

Well as some of you know, I had a hysterectomy 4 weeks ago. The surgery ended up tougher than they thought as my uterus turned out to be the size of a football. My belly stuck out some but not that much! so we didn't know! ( They say it was tucked way back into my spine and pelvis area hence the backaches). Recovery has been slower and harder than I had thought or I guess hoped!

I had originally posted that my 22 year old AS wanted to come down and help me during my recovery and I was on the fence about it for many reasons most of them realized by all you on here. I wanted him here but I could not take any stress or problems that could follow him here.
I kept praying for the right decision and it seemed to lean towards giving it a try but being ready to kick him out if any boundaries weren't being met. He tries to have good intentions but it has ended up badly at times when he comes down here. It's hard for both of us to not talk about his life choices right now.

He came the day after I came home. And despite all my misgivings he has been a wonderful help. (I did not realize how tough this recovery was going to be.) He cooks and cleans. He has been a big help making sure I do nothing and anticipating what I might need so I don't do anything I shouldn't. He is actually a bit of an over-worrier but a wonderful care-taker.
I'm not completely surprised because he has a kind and good heart. I am just surprised that he could do it for so long without needing to hang-out with his friends where he could smoke pot and ?.
He did get his Drug and Alcohol classes completed down here. ( a part of his deferred sentence probation).
We have had fun and enjoyed each others company. We had a few heated debates but we both tried to keep that area of topic shutdown and we were mostly successful.

But I can tell the time is coming to an end. He is getting antsy to return to his lifestyle up there. I had hoped as usual that being away from it and seeing other possible choices would encourage him to look elsewhere. He did talk about different ideas and dreams that had nothing to do with Marijuana but in the end that's what he is going back to.
Yet, Its important to me that this visit ends positively. I have enjoyed what is best in my son, encouraged his positive dreams and will do my best to keep quiet as he heads back sometime next week or early the week after, because I know nothing I do or say will matter anyway and will just anger and isolate us both.
Its hard to watch but I have to. I know he's going back to a life that probably will get his parole revoked and if that happens he will have to do a bit of time but the biggest issue is a felony will then get on his record and so many doors will be closed on a very bright young man's future. But right now that's not an issue for him. Standing up for his belief that Marijuana isn't a drug and shouldn't be illegal is worth it to him.
But no one knows what tomorrow will bring and where he will go from here. He does have the brains and knowledge to do and make many choices.
And so do I. I can choose to worry about his going back or trust God to walk with him. So today I am choosing to be happy to have my son in my life. I am happy to have shared this time with him. It has been a gift so I'll take it as that.
Thank you for all of your support and encouragement even when I ignore your advice!! :praying
Cathy
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Old 08-08-2008, 12:59 PM
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****{Cece}}}

I'm so sorry I missed your post about all this before.
I'm really glad you had such a good time and he was
so good to you... I know how you feel about him..

I know hysterocotomy's are a bitch, my Mom had one,
there was talk just recently about me maybe having
to get one and I was scared out of my mind. They
are not fun... I'm glad you are on the mend.

I can relate to having to let go of someone else's beliefs
about what they do. If I had the choice I would choose
for my parents not to drink anymore, but that is not going
to happen. So I have learned to live with it.
Since I have accepted it, our relationship is better and I am
actually happier also. It's not about what I want, they are
there own people with their own minds, like you said, so I
have let it go. I used to get really angry about it.

A lot of people think like your son do, I'm not saying it is
right or wrong, I'm just saying he's not in the minority anymore.
He could change his mind next month and want something
totally different who knows..

Big hugs and love and light to you.. :ghug2
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Old 08-08-2008, 01:38 PM
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Yikes, I missed that post too and hope you are beginning to feel better.

I think it's wonderful that he came and helped (without problems) and that you could enjoy his visits without stress.

He may head back to where he was but he's had some time away from it all and time to think and maybe that will help him realize that there IS life without drugs and maybe want to take a better path.

Hugs to you and prayers for healing.

:ghug3
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Old 08-08-2008, 02:25 PM
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I am so glad that this time has gone well - and you have stored up some precious memories. Over the years with my AS, that's what kept me going. To have had the time to enjoy him, love him and have him be there for you. To be grateful for each hour, because some folks never get that.

When they leave again, back to the life that pulls them - it is always hard. But I had to allow him to do what he needed to do - until he had enough. His mother, me, had enough 20 years earlier!

And now, Kevin celebrated a year end of July - first in more than 20 years - and he calls regularly, helps me and is everything I could ever wish for in a son. Will it last - I hope so. But I cherish every phone call and every hour together.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

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Old 08-08-2008, 07:01 PM
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Cece, i am very glad you are on the mend and that your son has been there to help you along the way. I love how you are viewing this...Imagine how much tension and unhappiness there could have been if you played the controlling game instead. Your recovery helped this to be a special, precious time with your son and to see "him" and not just the pot.

Continued prayers and positive thoughts for your speedy recovery and that you and your son enjoy the remaining days you have together this summer.
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Old 08-08-2008, 07:36 PM
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thanks everyone!

" Done"
I know you know how I feel about him and how I've struggled with all this.

I agree that many people think the same way as my son. And I would probably understand the legalization of marijuana. I think it's less addictive than alcohol and less problematic and legalization would take away certain criminal aspects of it.
But like any other substance it can be abused and used to hide and escape from life. I think my son has a problem with it, and uses it too much. I know he is involved with it illegally, but I also think he uses it the same way he used the other substances he fought to get away from a year and a half ago. He thinks I am wrong and that this is okay for him.
Right now it is illegal and right now my son could go to jail even with his medicinal marijuana card. But it's his choice in life. He's a very smart kid and he knows all the possibilities good and bad.
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Old 08-08-2008, 07:44 PM
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Originally Posted by cece View Post
thanks everyone!

" Done"
I know you know how I feel about him and how I've struggled with all this.

I agree that many people think the same way as my son. And I would probably understand the legalization of marijuana. I think it's less addictive than alcohol and less problematic and legalization would take away certain criminal aspects of it.
But like any other substance it can be abused and used to hide and escape from life. I think my son has a problem with it, and uses it too much. I know he is involved with it illegally, but I also think he uses it the same way he used the other substances he fought to get away from a year and a half ago. He thinks I am wrong and that this is okay for him.
Right now it is illegal and right now my son could go to jail even with his medicinal marijuana card. But it's his choice in life. He's a very smart kid and he knows all the possibilities good and bad.

Right now it is illegal and right now my son could go to jail even with his medicinal marijuana card.
That tells me, or makes 'me' think he has a problem....
If someone didn't have a problem with weed or alcohol then there would not be a problem of not using if the threat of jail was there.... They just would not take that chance...

That's how I think anyway..
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Old 08-08-2008, 08:40 PM
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" So today I am choosing to be happy to have my son in my life. I am happy to have shared this time with him. It has been a gift. "

Way to go Cathy !!!!

It is a tough one but we get closer to serenity when we accept what is and
live in the now. It seems you've been able to do this for the most part during your son's stay.
When they are addicts we can forget or no longer see all the wonderful aspects
of them. He came and you saw. You needed him and he's been available, caring and
present...what a gift. No matter how he lives, when you needed him most, He is being a good son...bravo.

You have just a couple of weeks left to heal before returning to work.
Hopefully, you are feeling well enough to have lunch at the beach or a walk in the sand
and have a little fun together before your son has to leave.

I had the same operation in 2002. Eventually, you will feel good as new in all areas.!!
Even your libido will return, which was my worst fear.
Sounds like you are on the mend physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Take care, my friend.
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Old 08-09-2008, 09:16 AM
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thanks Spiritual seeker!

I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel in my recovery. I was starting to get depressed because it was much harder than I thought! But now everyday a bit better.
The weird thing is my digestive system seems out of whack. My bowels and my bladder seem to be irritated. Maybe they got moved around too much and now are trying to find their new place in my body.
And yes I am hoping I get my energy back before I have to go back to my classroom.
Definitely hoping my libido kicks in!
I am walking more each day and hopefully can start back on a regular exercise program again as my muscles are turning to increasingly spreading flab!
Cathy
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Old 08-09-2008, 10:11 AM
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Vathy, So glad to hear you are feeling better. It takes time to come back after any kind of surgery & I know cuz I had alot. Be patient with yourself.
Love,
Diane
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