Asked AH for a decision
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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Asked AH for a decision
2 weeks ago I told AH to either go into treatment or I was filing for divorce. I gave him until the end of this month (first I do not know if that is unreasonable or not). Also, I know ultimatums are dumb because he needs to do it for himself or it won't stick anyway--but I wanted him to know that this was the end of the road.
Things have become clearer to me in the last month. We have 2 kids and I don't want them growing up in the same crappy environment I did--with no security. I also don't want my kids resenting me for putting them through that--they deserve better and so do I. I wrote the following letter to AD last night:
I do not know if you think I was kidding about divorce. I was not. I look at myself and think I will be 50 next year--do I want to live like this for the rest of my life and the answer is no I do not. Nor do I want our kids to grow up like this. In the last few months (that I know of) you have crossed lines that are way beyond what I think is even remotely OK. You are now doing what you normally do and that is shifting to drinking. I'm not OK with that. If you are not actively seeking treatment by the end of the month then I will go talk to a lawyer. I do not want a divorce--but I am not living like this anymore. I would be happier alone--because that is what I am now anyway. Our marriage is nothing more than some sort of financial arrangement. You tell me I am cold toward you--and that is because I have finally given up caring anymore. If I did I would be so depressed I don't know what I would do--and we have 2 kid that need serious help and I don't have that luxury. I'm not going to let them go down the drain because you want to.
It's your decision. I've made mine.
He is thoroughly pi--ed off at me and our older son called me 3 times this morning saying Daddy is yelling at them and he is scared. So I called back and told him to stop doing what he always does--he's mad at me, leave the kids alone (because when he has been mad at other people I have been the victim of his anger).
I know I cannot control him and that a divorce will turn everyone's life upside down--especially our kids because they both have attachment disorder. But I do not see any other way.
Just needed to post--I feel clear in some ways and lost in others.
Things have become clearer to me in the last month. We have 2 kids and I don't want them growing up in the same crappy environment I did--with no security. I also don't want my kids resenting me for putting them through that--they deserve better and so do I. I wrote the following letter to AD last night:
I do not know if you think I was kidding about divorce. I was not. I look at myself and think I will be 50 next year--do I want to live like this for the rest of my life and the answer is no I do not. Nor do I want our kids to grow up like this. In the last few months (that I know of) you have crossed lines that are way beyond what I think is even remotely OK. You are now doing what you normally do and that is shifting to drinking. I'm not OK with that. If you are not actively seeking treatment by the end of the month then I will go talk to a lawyer. I do not want a divorce--but I am not living like this anymore. I would be happier alone--because that is what I am now anyway. Our marriage is nothing more than some sort of financial arrangement. You tell me I am cold toward you--and that is because I have finally given up caring anymore. If I did I would be so depressed I don't know what I would do--and we have 2 kid that need serious help and I don't have that luxury. I'm not going to let them go down the drain because you want to.
It's your decision. I've made mine.
He is thoroughly pi--ed off at me and our older son called me 3 times this morning saying Daddy is yelling at them and he is scared. So I called back and told him to stop doing what he always does--he's mad at me, leave the kids alone (because when he has been mad at other people I have been the victim of his anger).
I know I cannot control him and that a divorce will turn everyone's life upside down--especially our kids because they both have attachment disorder. But I do not see any other way.
Just needed to post--I feel clear in some ways and lost in others.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Wife))
I'm sorry he's taking it out on the kids, but I think you are making the best decision for you and the kids.
One thought...you don't HAVE to wait until the end of the month. This is YOUR life and your KIDS"S life...if he is acting out of control, nothing says he can't be told "I won't tolerate this" today.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm sorry he's taking it out on the kids, but I think you are making the best decision for you and the kids.
One thought...you don't HAVE to wait until the end of the month. This is YOUR life and your KIDS"S life...if he is acting out of control, nothing says he can't be told "I won't tolerate this" today.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Why does he have the kids?
I see this as Impurrfect sees it. End of the month or no end of the month, you do not have to accept unacceptable behavior today or ever. You can always change your boundary and move up the date. What would be best for you and your kids today?
I see this as Impurrfect sees it. End of the month or no end of the month, you do not have to accept unacceptable behavior today or ever. You can always change your boundary and move up the date. What would be best for you and your kids today?
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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We are still married and living in the same house. I work full-time. He has not worked full-time in over 2 years and is home with the kids during the day.
I get home from work at 2:30 every day--although that may change soon as I am looking for another job as the one I am in is not really doing what I have been trained to do (and like to do). I am trying to get our younger son into daycare full-time so he is in a stable place during the day. Our older son will be in school soon. These are things I need to consider with our kids. One therapist once told me if I divorced AH I would lose our older son (meaning he might not ever recover from his attachment disorder). Our current therapist disagrees and likens my situation to keeping the kids in an abusive relationship--yes, it will be very hard on them--and it will set them way back--but she thinks in the long run they will heal, especially since I am the one doing all the therapy and therapuetic parenting--not AH.
Having kids with attachment disorder adds another layer to the problem. Our older son is getting much better and I think he is far enough along that he will understand why we are leaving. Younger son is a mess but is young enough that I think he will be OK--again, with a great deal of therapy and therapuetic parenting from me. He also has PTSD. Our kids are adopted from Russia and suffered severe neglect (and younger son abuse) during the first year+ of life.
It is very important that I create a VERY safe place for our kids and a lot of stabiliy. Part of the reason for the month is I am also taking that time to try to set things in place if AH decides he will do nothing. I need to move to a new house in a school district that can provide services for our kids. It will not take forever to do this but it will take some time. In the meantime I am doing the best that I can. Also, our older son knows something is going on but not what and the therapist said until it is going to happen to leave him out of it--don't tell him. What I have said to him is that Mama and Daddy are disagreeing on some very important things but none of it is because of him or has ANYTHING to do with his attachment disorder. Our older son is anxiously attached and has an intense fear of abandonment.
I get home from work at 2:30 every day--although that may change soon as I am looking for another job as the one I am in is not really doing what I have been trained to do (and like to do). I am trying to get our younger son into daycare full-time so he is in a stable place during the day. Our older son will be in school soon. These are things I need to consider with our kids. One therapist once told me if I divorced AH I would lose our older son (meaning he might not ever recover from his attachment disorder). Our current therapist disagrees and likens my situation to keeping the kids in an abusive relationship--yes, it will be very hard on them--and it will set them way back--but she thinks in the long run they will heal, especially since I am the one doing all the therapy and therapuetic parenting--not AH.
Having kids with attachment disorder adds another layer to the problem. Our older son is getting much better and I think he is far enough along that he will understand why we are leaving. Younger son is a mess but is young enough that I think he will be OK--again, with a great deal of therapy and therapuetic parenting from me. He also has PTSD. Our kids are adopted from Russia and suffered severe neglect (and younger son abuse) during the first year+ of life.
It is very important that I create a VERY safe place for our kids and a lot of stabiliy. Part of the reason for the month is I am also taking that time to try to set things in place if AH decides he will do nothing. I need to move to a new house in a school district that can provide services for our kids. It will not take forever to do this but it will take some time. In the meantime I am doing the best that I can. Also, our older son knows something is going on but not what and the therapist said until it is going to happen to leave him out of it--don't tell him. What I have said to him is that Mama and Daddy are disagreeing on some very important things but none of it is because of him or has ANYTHING to do with his attachment disorder. Our older son is anxiously attached and has an intense fear of abandonment.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I think you are doing an excellent job, considering what all is going on. I think the kids will struggle a bit, but once they realize how stable life is without the chaos, and you are the constant in your life, they will be fine.
However, if he gets too out of control, please get you and the boys out of there. The 3 of you have been through a lot, and deserve some peace and quiet.
It sounds like you have a great plan and are working toward your goals.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
However, if he gets too out of control, please get you and the boys out of there. The 3 of you have been through a lot, and deserve some peace and quiet.
It sounds like you have a great plan and are working toward your goals.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Prayers for you and your family.
how awesome for you to been doing such a great job in the middle of this chaos in looking out for your children's welfare.
Please take good care of you too - try not to let everything overwhelm you and keep remembering AH is not in control - the God of your understanding is in control and will be your guide thru this situation.
((HUGS))
Rita
how awesome for you to been doing such a great job in the middle of this chaos in looking out for your children's welfare.
Please take good care of you too - try not to let everything overwhelm you and keep remembering AH is not in control - the God of your understanding is in control and will be your guide thru this situation.
((HUGS))
Rita
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Thanks Impurrfect. If he does get out of control I can go to my sister's house or a friend's house. My kids feel safe in both places. Older son just called and told me they had all gone on a bike ride and he had fun with Daddy--which means my phone call home telling him to back off the kids worked. Also, older son is going over to a friend's house to play this afternoon until I get home from work. More than likely he will stick our younger son in front of the TV :-( but it is better than being yelled at. The last couple of years have been hard on him. I was supposed to be the one staying home but then AH quit his job 
But I have started taking him to therapy every week and he is slowly getting better.
But I have started taking him to therapy every week and he is slowly getting better.
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