working on letting go
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 126
working on letting go
Hi this is my first time starting a new thread.
My RAS just called and told me he moved out of the half way house and in with his RGF and her family. I truly believe his recovery is a long term thing but am worried that moving away from the protected environment he was in will put him under stress to try to make rent pmts plus pay his fines for 2 DUI's.
I am struggling with trying to be supportive while the worrying mother codie part of me is trying to take control. He has his path set out and a good game plan in place and I am afraid this might derail his recovery under the pressure of college (which he was just accepted to) and the need to earn money to pay all his bills.
I need to turn this over to my HP but am finding it really tough.
HELP!!!
My RAS just called and told me he moved out of the half way house and in with his RGF and her family. I truly believe his recovery is a long term thing but am worried that moving away from the protected environment he was in will put him under stress to try to make rent pmts plus pay his fines for 2 DUI's.
I am struggling with trying to be supportive while the worrying mother codie part of me is trying to take control. He has his path set out and a good game plan in place and I am afraid this might derail his recovery under the pressure of college (which he was just accepted to) and the need to earn money to pay all his bills.
I need to turn this over to my HP but am finding it really tough.
HELP!!!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR, HopeandPrayer. As the mother of an addict I know your frustration and fear.
What I found was that what were clearly bad choices through my eyes, weren't always seen the same way through his and in the end he did what he wanted to do anyway. Worrying never change the outcome of a single day.
I hope all goes well for him, wherever this leads, and I hope you'll stay and walk with us on our journey of recovery.
There are lots of moms here and terrific people with many different relationships with addicts, and we understand each other and support each other along the way.
Hugs
What I found was that what were clearly bad choices through my eyes, weren't always seen the same way through his and in the end he did what he wanted to do anyway. Worrying never change the outcome of a single day.
I hope all goes well for him, wherever this leads, and I hope you'll stay and walk with us on our journey of recovery.
There are lots of moms here and terrific people with many different relationships with addicts, and we understand each other and support each other along the way.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
HopeandPrayer,
Welcome and glad you posted. It has always helped me to post and get replies - knowing the support is there no matter what I do about whatever I'm dealing with.
Sounds like you could almost say to your AS what you posted. "I love you and I support your recovery. I pray that the decisions you make about where you live are the right ones for you, I want you to succeed in recovery and the plans you have for your future."
Take care of yourself!
Welcome and glad you posted. It has always helped me to post and get replies - knowing the support is there no matter what I do about whatever I'm dealing with.
Sounds like you could almost say to your AS what you posted. "I love you and I support your recovery. I pray that the decisions you make about where you live are the right ones for you, I want you to succeed in recovery and the plans you have for your future."
Take care of yourself!
Let me grow up.
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Charles, LA
Posts: 201
Welcome HopeandPrayer. It's a difficult thing letting go but a necessary thing for you and your RAS to recover. Have faith that his willpower is strong in his recovery and so is his GF's. HP will guide and protect him better then you can. He's there with your son 24-7 seven days a week and He will make a way for him so long as you keep him in your prayers.
Wish you and yours luck and blessings
Wish you and yours luck and blessings
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 126
Thanks everyone
I just got a call from him today, he is enrolled in classes that start on the 25th of this month. He just went out and bought a dog called Millie. She's a cross between a scottie and huskie I think. He sounded really positive and is looking forward to going to a meeting to get his 3 month chip.
He is making plans to get an apartment and has a job interview on Monday.
I really apreciate all the kind thoughts and prayers. Most of the time I am solid in my own codie recovery but there are times when it helps to have things reafirmed by others just to keep me going. Hugs to you all. :ghug3
He is making plans to get an apartment and has a job interview on Monday.
I really apreciate all the kind thoughts and prayers. Most of the time I am solid in my own codie recovery but there are times when it helps to have things reafirmed by others just to keep me going. Hugs to you all. :ghug3
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Your worries are something all of us moms have.
It is natural. But we practice keeping our worries to ourselves because our grown kids will live their life on their own terms and to become men they have to break from us.
I figure my job as mentor has ended whether I want it to or not. Now girlfriends, peers.
others in recovery, employers, the legal system, etc, will offer life lessons.
My son is in recovery too. The best for me is be supportive and let him determine
his next best move and stay strong in my own recovery.
You sound like you are getting strong in your recovery too.
It is natural. But we practice keeping our worries to ourselves because our grown kids will live their life on their own terms and to become men they have to break from us.
I figure my job as mentor has ended whether I want it to or not. Now girlfriends, peers.
others in recovery, employers, the legal system, etc, will offer life lessons.
My son is in recovery too. The best for me is be supportive and let him determine
his next best move and stay strong in my own recovery.
You sound like you are getting strong in your recovery too.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Hey HopeandPrayer,
Welcome to SR. There are lots of supportive and wise folks around here, so I hope you'll stick around.
I am the mother of a RAD and I understand your fear. And FEAR was the name of the game for me. I was so scared to let my AD makes decisions for herself because, after all, the track record of her decisions wasn't all that great.
I attend Al Anon meetings and they have helped me tremendously in learning how to let go. I think I will always have to work at it, but I'm telling you I am so much better than I was 5 or 6 years ago. I've learned that I have to take a good look at me and figure out why I can't let go, what keeps me from it. And everytime I look at that question, I know FEAR is at the root of it. I have been so fearful that it will not turn out the way I WANT.
Recovery for me is accepting that I can't live someone elses life. My AD has the right to live her life and make her own decisions. And just like every other person on this planet, she will either reap the benefits or suffer the consquences of those decisions. "But I don't want him to suffer the consequences of those decisions!!" Yep, I think I just heard you say that.
None of enjoy watching our kids learn the tough lessons, especially when their decisions look life threatening. But Al Anon (the 12 step program) and this board have taught me that my AD will never get to learn what she needs to learn if I don't back off and let her learn it.
Daily I turn my AD over to her Higher Power and then I try to get the focus back on me and correcting all the things I need to be working on. Maybe you can find an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting in your area and start attending. I just know when I started adding meetings to my life, my life began to improve.
Hugs and prayers for you and your son,
Hangin' In
Welcome to SR. There are lots of supportive and wise folks around here, so I hope you'll stick around.
I am the mother of a RAD and I understand your fear. And FEAR was the name of the game for me. I was so scared to let my AD makes decisions for herself because, after all, the track record of her decisions wasn't all that great.
I attend Al Anon meetings and they have helped me tremendously in learning how to let go. I think I will always have to work at it, but I'm telling you I am so much better than I was 5 or 6 years ago. I've learned that I have to take a good look at me and figure out why I can't let go, what keeps me from it. And everytime I look at that question, I know FEAR is at the root of it. I have been so fearful that it will not turn out the way I WANT.
Recovery for me is accepting that I can't live someone elses life. My AD has the right to live her life and make her own decisions. And just like every other person on this planet, she will either reap the benefits or suffer the consquences of those decisions. "But I don't want him to suffer the consequences of those decisions!!" Yep, I think I just heard you say that.
None of enjoy watching our kids learn the tough lessons, especially when their decisions look life threatening. But Al Anon (the 12 step program) and this board have taught me that my AD will never get to learn what she needs to learn if I don't back off and let her learn it.
Daily I turn my AD over to her Higher Power and then I try to get the focus back on me and correcting all the things I need to be working on. Maybe you can find an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting in your area and start attending. I just know when I started adding meetings to my life, my life began to improve.
Hugs and prayers for you and your son,
Hangin' In
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Hi Hope and welcome to SR!
You've landed in a place with many smart moms who have been down this road before. I learn new stuff from them ALL the time!
What really helped me to let go of my son was to tell myself (a hundred times a day at first) that my son had some really important life lessons to learn ~ and they weren't from me. It was the only way that I could get OUT of the way and let his true learning begin.
If you haven't had a chance, read the stickies at the top of the forum. There is much good information - lots of experience, strength and hope from those who have walked this path.
Glad you found us!
Cats
You've landed in a place with many smart moms who have been down this road before. I learn new stuff from them ALL the time!
What really helped me to let go of my son was to tell myself (a hundred times a day at first) that my son had some really important life lessons to learn ~ and they weren't from me. It was the only way that I could get OUT of the way and let his true learning begin.
If you haven't had a chance, read the stickies at the top of the forum. There is much good information - lots of experience, strength and hope from those who have walked this path.
Glad you found us!
Cats
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