Why feel low after being an enabler?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 21
Why feel low after being an enabler?
Hey everyone,
I decided to post here because I feel like I need help. It all started about two years ago, when I met this girl, who, at that time I had no idea, was an addict. She was into prescription drugs as well as street drugs. After being with her, I found out that her addiction was very severe. I, on the other hand was falling in love with her. (Obviously, associating sex for love). She was very good at manipulating me emotionally, and every other way to be with me. I was fooling myself, saying that I can change her and make her better. But I was merely a resource to her. We lived together, and I had set a lot of rules, being a "dad" to her taking care of an adult child. I saw (fooled myself) immense potential in her. The times she was not clouded, she was great. And slowly, I believe her frequency of usage decreased for a while. When ever she went home to stay with her parents, she had incidents, where she would steal money, cars, go out on a binge for few days. She had done that with me as well, and I'm feeling stupid for staying with her even after that. (hence the rules, locking my stuff up etc.). It started to become an escalating commitment. She could never keep a job, and she was making my life harder as well. Finally, when it started to go downhill, and was affecting my job, I told her we should take a break. She goes home and after few incidents her parents decide to put her in rehab. I was supportive of the whole idea and I still loved her.
She goes into rehab for two weeks, and then all of a sudden she stops all contact with me. Later I find out, she has met someone there who is also in recovery and they have decided to be together. She tells me she has finally found love and is happy with this man. Frankly, I'm happy that she is in love with a man and not with what he can get her. She just got out recently (quiting the program early, with him) and they have moved together into his apartment. They attend meetings together and she says he can understand her addiction better than I did or ever will.
Why am I going upset. Well, I have done a lot for her hoping that one day she will be sober for good and live a life of clarity with me. My life is damaged with all the burden of taking care of her and my own personal poor choices. I am so lost I do not know how to function. I have been so used to the drama for 2 years that I think I miss it. (maybe?) I know I have been nothing more than an enabler in her eyes. And once she had drained me of everything she moved to another prey. Frankly, I am not sure. I personally feel that, she can actually recover now, with this other man (also in recovery), and saddens me that she could not do that with me. It hurts me, after helping her out several times, in turn hurting my own emotional wallet (and I'm really not into S&M!!) she can walk away and make a fresh start with someone, and not deal with me.
Makes me feel like an idiot for believing in her every time she said she loved me. She has no investment in the relationship that she can walk away and into another one. I am trying to analyze this every possible way. Was it the sex I missed most, or the fact that it was an escalating commitment that I did not want to walk out after putting in so much? I am blaming myself, for maybe being with her or maybe not doing something better to help her out. I know it is not my job to do that. I am not helping her if I was an enabler. But, the thing that hurts them most is the metal picture of what we could have had. (or was it all a pigment of my imagination??). Has she really changed? Or is she enamored by this other man? Is she substituting love as another high? And relapse once the honeymoon is over? Why do I care? Do I want to enable her again?
I decided to post here because I feel like I need help. It all started about two years ago, when I met this girl, who, at that time I had no idea, was an addict. She was into prescription drugs as well as street drugs. After being with her, I found out that her addiction was very severe. I, on the other hand was falling in love with her. (Obviously, associating sex for love). She was very good at manipulating me emotionally, and every other way to be with me. I was fooling myself, saying that I can change her and make her better. But I was merely a resource to her. We lived together, and I had set a lot of rules, being a "dad" to her taking care of an adult child. I saw (fooled myself) immense potential in her. The times she was not clouded, she was great. And slowly, I believe her frequency of usage decreased for a while. When ever she went home to stay with her parents, she had incidents, where she would steal money, cars, go out on a binge for few days. She had done that with me as well, and I'm feeling stupid for staying with her even after that. (hence the rules, locking my stuff up etc.). It started to become an escalating commitment. She could never keep a job, and she was making my life harder as well. Finally, when it started to go downhill, and was affecting my job, I told her we should take a break. She goes home and after few incidents her parents decide to put her in rehab. I was supportive of the whole idea and I still loved her.
She goes into rehab for two weeks, and then all of a sudden she stops all contact with me. Later I find out, she has met someone there who is also in recovery and they have decided to be together. She tells me she has finally found love and is happy with this man. Frankly, I'm happy that she is in love with a man and not with what he can get her. She just got out recently (quiting the program early, with him) and they have moved together into his apartment. They attend meetings together and she says he can understand her addiction better than I did or ever will.
Why am I going upset. Well, I have done a lot for her hoping that one day she will be sober for good and live a life of clarity with me. My life is damaged with all the burden of taking care of her and my own personal poor choices. I am so lost I do not know how to function. I have been so used to the drama for 2 years that I think I miss it. (maybe?) I know I have been nothing more than an enabler in her eyes. And once she had drained me of everything she moved to another prey. Frankly, I am not sure. I personally feel that, she can actually recover now, with this other man (also in recovery), and saddens me that she could not do that with me. It hurts me, after helping her out several times, in turn hurting my own emotional wallet (and I'm really not into S&M!!) she can walk away and make a fresh start with someone, and not deal with me.
Makes me feel like an idiot for believing in her every time she said she loved me. She has no investment in the relationship that she can walk away and into another one. I am trying to analyze this every possible way. Was it the sex I missed most, or the fact that it was an escalating commitment that I did not want to walk out after putting in so much? I am blaming myself, for maybe being with her or maybe not doing something better to help her out. I know it is not my job to do that. I am not helping her if I was an enabler. But, the thing that hurts them most is the metal picture of what we could have had. (or was it all a pigment of my imagination??). Has she really changed? Or is she enamored by this other man? Is she substituting love as another high? And relapse once the honeymoon is over? Why do I care? Do I want to enable her again?
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Wow. I wish you knew how lucky you are that she has moved on. But I do believe that for you, you should get involved in some counseling or Nan-Anon. I think you need to work on you or you are going to end up with a woman just like her and that is a life of pain. She is sick and truly, if she left the program for this guy, it is not healthy or anything to be jealous of. You did not cause the addiction, you can not cure it and you can not control it.
Wash your hands of her and go work on you!
Wash your hands of her and go work on you!
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Dear goinginsane;
Welcome to SR!
First, please know that you're not going insane!
You're hurt. And you've been used. And you've forgotten what a healthy relationship is right now, because of the last two years. Because, in a healthy, loving relationship, you don't hide your belongings, and have stealing, and lies... They are not part of a healthy relationship at all. And that's why you're feeling so low right now... You've lost a basic part of yourself.
Please read the sticky titled, What Addicts Do.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html
Jon, the original owner of SR, wrote this. It's from the heart and it's the painful truth. She couldn't love you, cuz she didn't love herself, as an active drug abuser. And nothing else mattered to her at all but getting her next hit.
Finally, if she was serious about her recovery, she would have stayed in the program. And she wouldn't be hooking up with someone else so soon into her program of recovery. She needs time to work on her right now; time she's not giving herself. Though I wish her well, the odds are not with her. Sadly.
I hope you continue to come here to SR and to receive the wisdom of those who've come before us. There's lots to learn about detaching with love; the three C's; taking care of the self; and learning once more when to say "no." And that it really *is* ok to be selfish once in a while!!
If you get a chance to attend some live meetings of Naranon or alanon, too, you would find them very beneficial. Getting a sponsor, and working the steps will help you find your way once more. And finally, a book by Melody Beattie, Codependent No More is a definate! You can get it on Amazon.com.
I hope to see you here often as we both grow in our recovery. It will get easier; I promise.
Shalom!
Welcome to SR!
First, please know that you're not going insane!
You're hurt. And you've been used. And you've forgotten what a healthy relationship is right now, because of the last two years. Because, in a healthy, loving relationship, you don't hide your belongings, and have stealing, and lies... They are not part of a healthy relationship at all. And that's why you're feeling so low right now... You've lost a basic part of yourself.
Please read the sticky titled, What Addicts Do.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html
Jon, the original owner of SR, wrote this. It's from the heart and it's the painful truth. She couldn't love you, cuz she didn't love herself, as an active drug abuser. And nothing else mattered to her at all but getting her next hit.
Finally, if she was serious about her recovery, she would have stayed in the program. And she wouldn't be hooking up with someone else so soon into her program of recovery. She needs time to work on her right now; time she's not giving herself. Though I wish her well, the odds are not with her. Sadly.
I hope you continue to come here to SR and to receive the wisdom of those who've come before us. There's lots to learn about detaching with love; the three C's; taking care of the self; and learning once more when to say "no." And that it really *is* ok to be selfish once in a while!!
If you get a chance to attend some live meetings of Naranon or alanon, too, you would find them very beneficial. Getting a sponsor, and working the steps will help you find your way once more. And finally, a book by Melody Beattie, Codependent No More is a definate! You can get it on Amazon.com.
I hope to see you here often as we both grow in our recovery. It will get easier; I promise.
Shalom!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 21
Dear Historyteach,
Thank you so much for the link. It was summed up clearly, in few lines by Jon. I am sure I'm not the first one and won't be the last one to tread this path. But it is so easy for people especially narcissistic people hooked on drugs to manipulate others and make them their resource. I understand that I was simply used. Realization is hard, it hurts. I am sure I can pick myself up again financially and emotionally with time. But when I think of how much I really did care for her, (unconditionally) and making myself a co-dependent, again it hurts. Like you said, I have forgotten how to be in a healthy relationship. I still constantly think about her, making a metal effort to forget her, and it's hard. But with help, and pampering myself, I think it will soon fade and be another closed chapter in my life. I can be so much more than I was with her. She was nothing more than dead weight. And like I said, the only thing that hurts me more when I try to forget her is, (she tells me she has no cravings and not taken any pills) what if she was actually on the road to recovery now? (but not with me!?)
Thank you so much for the link. It was summed up clearly, in few lines by Jon. I am sure I'm not the first one and won't be the last one to tread this path. But it is so easy for people especially narcissistic people hooked on drugs to manipulate others and make them their resource. I understand that I was simply used. Realization is hard, it hurts. I am sure I can pick myself up again financially and emotionally with time. But when I think of how much I really did care for her, (unconditionally) and making myself a co-dependent, again it hurts. Like you said, I have forgotten how to be in a healthy relationship. I still constantly think about her, making a metal effort to forget her, and it's hard. But with help, and pampering myself, I think it will soon fade and be another closed chapter in my life. I can be so much more than I was with her. She was nothing more than dead weight. And like I said, the only thing that hurts me more when I try to forget her is, (she tells me she has no cravings and not taken any pills) what if she was actually on the road to recovery now? (but not with me!?)
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
I do understand, oh sane one!
Please do think about using the resources that I mentioned on my post -- SR, naranon or alanon with a sponsor, and the book. Utilizing these resources will help you learn healthy boundaries that you won't ever have to lose again.
As far as her recovery, please wish her well. My son is an addict. It's a horrible disease. Detach with love, and say a prayer for her. It will be the best thing you can do for yourself!
Shalom!
Please do think about using the resources that I mentioned on my post -- SR, naranon or alanon with a sponsor, and the book. Utilizing these resources will help you learn healthy boundaries that you won't ever have to lose again.
As far as her recovery, please wish her well. My son is an addict. It's a horrible disease. Detach with love, and say a prayer for her. It will be the best thing you can do for yourself!
Shalom!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 21
I am sorry to hear that your son is an addict. I hope he recovers soon and becomes a functional, potential man. The last time I spoke with her I did wish her well and hoped that she stays clean and leads a sober, productive life. She wants to stay friends. Honestly, I'm stuck with a thought, what makes her new relationship any better, wants her to become a better person, and not with me? Where did I go wrong? Why am I jealous (maybe)?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
aaaaaah insane.... I'm so sorry you are going through this. 
My advice to you is that you keep yourself totally and completely busy.... focus on your healing. Don't stay in contact with her.... all that matters is you.
Someone said here earlier that you really are the lucky one in the end. Right now... I gotta say you are! You are learning to live on life's terms... and you get to make the choice for your happiness!
I wish I could give you a big hug right now!
Stay busy..... seriously.... just keep moving forward and thinking about what things YOU enjoy! Your own life can be filled with your own chaos for now.... and then soon you will find serenity....
I'm not sure if that makes sense.... actually. I'm sorry. But you will....
What do you enjoy? What plans have you made this week that are just for you? Fill that calendar up!!!!!!
Seriously.... share those things here.... what do you have going on?
My advice to you is that you keep yourself totally and completely busy.... focus on your healing. Don't stay in contact with her.... all that matters is you.
Someone said here earlier that you really are the lucky one in the end. Right now... I gotta say you are! You are learning to live on life's terms... and you get to make the choice for your happiness!
I wish I could give you a big hug right now!
Stay busy..... seriously.... just keep moving forward and thinking about what things YOU enjoy! Your own life can be filled with your own chaos for now.... and then soon you will find serenity....
I'm not sure if that makes sense.... actually. I'm sorry. But you will....
What do you enjoy? What plans have you made this week that are just for you? Fill that calendar up!!!!!!
Seriously.... share those things here.... what do you have going on?
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Welcome Goinginsane,
Glad you've found this board.
I know my response isn't going to give you any instant relief, but I'd suggestion that you find an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting in your area. I have an addicted daughter and the only way I started to get better was by educating myself on why I was feeling like I was feeling. That's what attending meetings did for me.
I also attend open AA/NA meetings from time to time to hear the speakers. I've learned a lot about addiction and I've learned what true recovery looks like.
I hope you'll stick around and listen to the wise folks here. Look for someone who has something you want and pay attention to how they work their recovery. That's what I did, and I began on my road of recovery.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Glad you've found this board.
I know my response isn't going to give you any instant relief, but I'd suggestion that you find an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting in your area. I have an addicted daughter and the only way I started to get better was by educating myself on why I was feeling like I was feeling. That's what attending meetings did for me.
I also attend open AA/NA meetings from time to time to hear the speakers. I've learned a lot about addiction and I've learned what true recovery looks like.
I hope you'll stick around and listen to the wise folks here. Look for someone who has something you want and pay attention to how they work their recovery. That's what I did, and I began on my road of recovery.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
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