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Old 08-01-2008, 09:20 PM
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feel bad

My RABF and I had dinner dat tonite and his previous drug use came up. I was just trying to get a few answers or maybe some justification and clarifying of how I felt. In the end I think it was a bad idea; he eventually became very quiet and was like I dont like to talk about it because it makes me want to use. I feel like I should have known better than to bring it up. He has been doing a great job these past weeks with being sober and I dont want to mess that up for him just to get things off my chest. Is there a better way to approach this? Any advice would be great, at some point there are things that i need to say to him but i realize now may not be the best time. When is a good time??
xoxo
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Old 08-01-2008, 09:25 PM
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Ya know, I think everyone is different in how they deal with this stuff. I would just let him know that you are there to talk. Maybe take your questions/concerns to an alanon meeting or naranon meeting? Start there with others?
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Old 08-02-2008, 12:37 AM
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There is never a good time. But bring it up anyways. He's in your life and recovering, so he should be aware that you are in need of healing as well. It is not fair (in my opinion) for him to tell you that he does not want to talk about his past drug use because of his cravings. Tell him how important it is for you to be able to communicate with him. Go to meetings if you can Kristen. They help tremendously.
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Old 08-02-2008, 12:46 AM
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IMO, there will be a time when he is ready to talk. But I think it is important that he take the lead in this. There is so much shame and humiliation in our using (me, alcohol) that sometimes it is too painful to face in the beginning and it will make us want to run and hide or use. I would suggest going to a Al-anon or Nar-anon meeting and sharing there. It is important for you to talk and share and be heard.

I am working the steps and slowly but surely I become more comfortable facing my past. I know that I will face so much more and I WILL make my amends to my husband when I work my 8th and 9th step. He knows this and today does his very best to look forward with me and share in my newfound joy in recovery. That is not easy to do if there is a lot of resentment built up for you. I believe he will be able to hear you and discuss this in time as he recovers but in the meantime, you can share this with others that have gone through like experiences with their loved ones.

Good luck :ghug2
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Old 08-02-2008, 04:41 AM
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I too believe that just like I could not make my addict get sober, I could not make her talk. I found that when it was time...her time, not mine, she wanted to talk a bit and let some things out and I could express a little of the fear I felt as well as how proud I was of her perserverance. I don't think there is a stronger person than an addict working recovery.

I think too sometimes, that the shame is what makes them grow quiet. I found Naranon meetings helped me greatly so I did not need to "have to" get it out...I already had with people who understood. Hugs
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Old 08-02-2008, 05:32 AM
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You have recieved some excellent answers here. I am sure if you found other people to vent to that have gone through similiar situations you will be more abel to let your ARBF bring things up when he feels stronger.
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Old 08-02-2008, 07:51 AM
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Reversing the situation, if someone wants to talk and I'm still feeling rough and raw around the edges, I'm not going there for the sake of my own serenity. When I'm ready I will.
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