keepthefaith

WarmHeart --- I really feel for you and 6 months ago, I was where you are. Being lied to, manipulated, made to feel it's all my fault -- classic addict behaviors. I always thought it was ME who had the problem - I couldn't trust him, I couldn't give him a break, I was too codependent, blah, blah, blah.... But now that he O.D.'d, I realize I was right about everything and now that he's gone, I realize how much I ignored the "red flags" - for 18 years I ignored the "red flags". My addict used to go out for "cigarettes" only to return 3 days later - wearing the same clothes he left in, dirty, stinky and burnt out from smoking crack for 3 days straight. So, if he doesn't even care about being clean, there's no way he's going to care about another person. It's like they have one mission in life and that's to get high, no matter what. There's nothing we can do to stop them until they are ready to stop - I repeat - there is NOTHING we can do to stop them. It's amazing how we can lie to ourselves and make excuses for the way the addict in our life treats us. Sometimes kicking him out seems worse than living with him and putting up with his addict behavior, but trust me, it's not. Since the addict in my life is gone I have come to know a calmness in my life - the anxiety is gone, the ball in the pit of my stomach is gone, the worry, the arguing has stopped, the frustration of knowing he's out using and there's nothing I can do about it - it's all gone! I never wanted him to die and I always hoped he'd beat his addiction, but I now know he didn't want to cause if he did, he'd be here right now, sober. Even with the best support system, top notch rehab facilities, a great job, family, etc. - he still didn't want to give up getting high. None of that stopped him - that's how powerful crack is! Now I'm forced to take care of myself and it's scary, but it's also powerful to realize I'm in charge of my own destiny now. Sure I get lonely sometimes, but being lonely is a million times better than all those nights I laid in bed alone while he was out smoking crack. I wouldn't want to repeat those times for anything in the world. I pray for your strength to do what's the best for you. Forget about him and worrying about what he'll do, where he'll live, what to do with all his stuff, etc. He doesn't deserve your concern and worry. Maybe one day he will if he gets sober and works his program, but right now he only loves one thing - crack - and everything else is secondary to that. Don't ever forget the 3 C's - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it!! That has gotten me through some really hard times. Put yourself first and take care of yourself. Maybe by you changing the way you react and how you deal with him, it may make some changes in him. Pray for him, then give him up to God.

Aysha

Sorry but thats a classic line. OMG...cant even believe people still use it.
Like getting caught with stuff in your pocket and sayin they arent your pants and you dont know where you got em.
And maybe just me....But I NEVER got caught with drugs. But I always got caught with a pipe.

rozied

Thank you so much for this information though it scares me to death. My AS OD'd a few yrs ago from crack & he swears he doesn't use cocaine this way anymore BUT the more I come here & read the more I knowe he is lying. It is literally destroying his brain & I pray to God he stays in jail......... even for 17mts. That is 17mts I know he will be alive.

Cupicake

I was married to a crack addict....I still keep in touch with my exah. The classic symptoms/signs never change. No matter how many relapses he follows the same patterns...the sweating, eyes opened wide, the jerky movements, the strange hesitated speech, paranoia, lack of hygiene, staying up all night, no appetite, disappearing acts, cellphone going unanswered or going straight to voicemail....but the man always wanted clean socks - - go figure. I didn't understand it then and I still don't understand it now.

So, an answer to your question..."yes..sounds like he's on it again and if not that then he's still on something". I'm going to be honest with you. You may never find the evidence you are searching for because he will always deny it and you will always feel like what you know is not enough. And even if you do find the evidence he will likely plead for your forgiveness and promise that he'll stop at which point you might feel inclined to give him a chance because we innocent bystanders always hold hope very close to the heart.

Personally, I didn't divorce until I had enough and all the pleading and promises didn't matter anymore. I just had enough and that was my driving force to leave. I lost and will never get back the 4 years I spent hoping and praying for things to get better. I did get moments of recovery from him but they never lasted as long as his using days...or atleast they never seemed to.

Warmheart4U

Well he just came home from his three day trip. Dirty and wearing the same clothes. He never called me once while he was gone. I asked him for the key to my house because I told him I found out he was using crack. He argued and denied and finally he gave me the key and said he would move to his mother's. He came back today and was almost euphoric. He brought a couple of people to help him move some things and he was laughing and singing. He was hugging and kissing me and said we would remain best friends.

I called his mother and told her what happened. She said that someone else had told her that he as using crack as well. She said that he just told her that we decided to call it quits and be best friends.

He also quit his job today and decided to paint houses. He thought that was great too.

I have no interest in being best friends with him. I am so sick and hurt right now.

Warmheart4U

Well, he already has a party going on at his mother's house. Lots of people over there at 4:30 in the afternoon. She is out of town. I told him I did not have any interest in being friends with him. He said that I had better be friends with him if I wanted him to teach me how to use the computer software that I want. I told him I broke up with him because of him using crack. This time he didn't deny it. I told him he needed to get some help. He said that maybe we just need a break from each other. He said he just likes living his life one day at a time. He makes no plans.

Now I have to still see him so he can train me on the software. This is going to be so hard. I don't know what to do.

TTOSBT

What software? There is no software that you need him for? I would not have some crack addict teaching me a damm thing!
I am glad he is gone and it wasn't too much drama but seriously? You need to have a little fear. Why aren't you scared of this addict and what he could do?
For goodness sakes, the Mom is not going to put up with this for long and then he will be begging to come back. Cut off ALL contact!!! NOW!!!!!
I am really frightened for you that do not consider this man dangerous!

outtolunch

You do not have to do anything.

He can't be the only person who knows the sorftware. You can and will find someone else to train you.

You have come so far, why sabatoge yourself, now?

Warmheart4U

I really do appreciate all the help and advice you are all giving me. I have no one else to talk to about this.

I am self employed and I was going to do some work for the company he works for to make some extra cash. He is the one that would train me and teach me the software.

He is also mad because I will not let a friend of his come and stay at my house again. I let his friend stay here last month for three weeks. I thought that was very generous. Today, he told me he was mad I would not let him come back and stay again. So now he and his friend are partying it up at his mother's house.

Yes, his mom will put up with it. She has been putting up with it for a long, long time.

I don't know anything about crack addicts. What kind of fear should I have. He never was violent. I'm not afraid of him.

ZombieWife

First off, find someone else to teach you the software. Either you are subconsciously trying to make excuses to keep seeing him or you need to think outside the box of what you both lived in. There are people out there who know this software that can help you, people who are not him.

As for what you should be afraid of, how about losing your self dignity? Losing all your money (I would change any PINS he may know, take him off any accounts, make sure you have all your checks numbered and in order, any credit cards, etc.) I would also go through my cd collections, dvd's, make sure my VCR was still there, my DVD player, cell phones, laptops, computer hardware, etc.

How about being afraid for your sanity, your mental health and your identity? I won't deny that I'm one of the people here who envy you having left someone at this stage--before there were kids, before there were marriage vows, before it got so incredibly ugly that we (ourselves) contemplate suicide, dream of running away (yet have hemmed ourselves into no-win situations,) and go through so many emotions that we can barely think sometimes.

After a year of my husband being clean, we are still struggling. I'm still getting over the broken trust and the hurt and his destructive selfishness. We're still trying to pick up the pieces of our finances, dig our way out of debt, we are trying to learn to love one another again.

One idea is to read some of the stories here, of mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, husbands, wives, daughters, sons, friends who become physically ill at their loved ones using--wondering if they will ever see them alive again.

I will also add that I, personally, am unbelievably proud of you and how you have handled this. I think you really need to hear that. All I can suggest is to keep reading here. I think you avoided an extreme disaster.

Also, someone else posted that his mom won't let him get away with this for long. They're right. Her cup will run over (same as yours did,) and he'll be somewhere else. Chances of him ending up on your doorstep, crying and begging for a place to sleep "just for the night" is extremely high.

Finally, huge hugs. I'm sorry for the pain this has caused you. It's very difficult to let go sometimes. It's like a death in a sense. Mourn, grieve, and then decide how you want to move on.

/hugs and support

:ghug2

Aysha

Well for someone who just had to move at the drop of a hat. Quit their job. Lost their girlfriend. He sure is happy.
Yea..I would be too if I had a free place to live with mommy..Knew I could do whatever I wanted now and not have to worry about some GF naggin at me. Can work when I fee like it. Have all the friends I want to come and bring me drugs. Yea I would be ecstatic too if i still smoked crack.
Hell that was me for years.
I am sorry..and please dont take this the wrong way. Wash your hands and now. He isnt worth it right now. Maybe if he really cleans up and gets some serious clean time. But until then. It is a waste of time. He is in crackhead heaven right now.

keepthefaith

Warmheart4u -- You took the first step toward taking care of yourself by asking him to leave. Now stay strong and stay away from him. I took my addict back time and time again, and I can't help but wonder now, if I would have not let him come home after his relapse in December, that maybe he'd be alive today. I'd kick him to the curb telling him he wasn't coming home until he was clean for at least 6 months, even if that meant living in a halfway house, but he'd start calling, telling me the things I wanted/needed to hear and before long, he was back in. And then we'd have a 'honeymoon' phase where everything would be great, then he'd relapse again and the whole cycle would start all over. I know how hard it is to detach and not dwell on what he's doing, with whom, etc. but you have to or else it will drive you insane. This forum has helped me tremendously and I highly recommend you post everytime you want to call him or start thinking "it might work this time". You have taken a big step that took alot of courage, now enjoy your serenity and the peace you will experience now that he's gone.

Warmheart4U

Well he called yesterday and said he and his friend had no place to go since his mother called him and said he couldn't stay at her house. He asked if he and his friend could spend the night here last night. I thought since I had a broken arm they could help do some things around the house. It was a nightmare.

When they arrived my a/bf thought I was gonna cook for them. He is 45 yrs. old and his friend is 34 yrs. old. Well my a/bf was trying to be so cool. It was Hey Dude, Awesome Dude, Cool Dude. Trying to act like he was 20 yrs. old. He was high and drunk of course. Said he and his friend were going to get a two bedroom apt. together ao they could party all the time. I asked him to come into the other room so I could talk to him alone. He told me to shut up and leave him alone. He told me I was too old for him because I am a few yrs. older than him. Just one insult after another. I think even his friend thought he was weird.

Anyway, he ended up kicking in my bedroom door. Breaking the lock and wood, and everything. I asked him to leave. He left last night, but left his friend here. I have not heard from today, but his friend is still here alseep.

Too much stress right now. Just can't take it anymore.

ZombieWife

Hang in there. And when his friend wakes up, tell him to get lost. =)

TTOSBT

Oh WH, I am very sorry for the drama you are going through, so I have to ask, Are you done yet?

This is part of what I was talking about being afraid of him. He kicked in your bedroom door? That is violent and scary behavior. He will escalate. He is gonna get desperate. 45 years old? Lordy. get the friend up and out as soon as you can.

Take care of you!!!!

Warmheart4U

Yes, I am through. His friend let a little while ago. His friend is not a crackhead. He smokes pot is all I know.

A/bf is out and I have the keys to my house. I have not heard from today. He is sitting at his mother's house getting drunk right now is all I know.

Thanks everyone for your support.

Hangin' In

And did the dog eat his homework? Sorry, but if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, you can be pretty sure ... it's a duck!

Not getting on to you here for I did the same thing. I SO wanted to believe my AD. And I tried to, but in my gut, I knew. Denial can be a very dangerous friend. Do a gut check and admit what you are really seeing here.

And then maybe find a meeting near you, Al Anon or Nar Anon. There is a reason you are attracted to the addict. Recovery is needed for both... the addict and the friends and family of the addict. I hope you'll put the focus on you and find a meeting. The support there is great with folks who understand exactly what you are going through.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

Warmheart4U

Thank you Hangin'In. Yes it was very obvious that it was his crack pipe. The guy he is blaming it on, never even had that bag now that I look back.

He got most of his things out of my house today, but I have to tell you that I miss him because I loved him so much. I told him from the beginning I would not tolerate drug use. So I had to stick by what I said.

I will attend an Al-anon meeting, but I don't have a clue why I chose an addict to be with. Actually he chose me and would not let go. I'm sorry that I miss him.

ZombieWife

Don't be sorry that you miss him. It's good to have the drama gone, but you are a human being. We all feel pain and regret and loss in situations like this. You gave yourself a piece of him and he took it and did not look back. You have friends here to help you heal.

Aysha

I am so glad you are sticking to your bounderies.
His aggression will get worse. And if you let it go time and time again. He will get worse and think it is ok.
You are doing pretty good I think.
Never be sorry for having feelings. You didnt do anything wrong. I am sure he wasnt always like this. And like most addicts. I am sure he has a better side to him that you fell in love with. But that person has obviously checked out for awhile.
So stand your ground. And dont isolate.
You have to take care of yourself. Bceause there isnt jack you can do for him right now.
I hope you feel better.