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Old 08-01-2008, 06:58 AM
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Anger

So...it's been a little over a week since the bf showed up on my doorstep after detox. He's doing good, going to meetings, talking with people, even including me in the process this time by being more open with me and trying to talk to me when he has cravings and such. Good for him.

what about me? I am trying to take care of myself and put myself first. I have been so angry this whole week its taking a toll. I got my gas card bill in the mail and I had let him borrow it about the time he relapsed and I jumped on him cause it was over $500. I accused him of hussling to get $ for dope. But after I sat down and looked at it, everything he said to me regarding the bill was true. He had his son's cousin Madison for 4th of July and had to pick her up and drop her off. She lives more than 2 hours away from us and his car is not so great on gas. So once I really looked @ it, he was telling me the truth. Any little thing sets me off. He has been actively looking for a job, but didn't really go anywhere yesterday, so I flipped out. I need help. I can't support us both and his child on the weekends. I need him to get a job and start pulling his weight. He says he understands but I feel he is being too picky. He won't work here or there because he doesn't want to. I know fast food isn't a glamorous job...but it's a paycheck until something better comes along. Especially after he cleaned out my checking account and I am negative $930 and now the $500+ gas card bill. I don't know what to do. I was so angry this morning part of me wanted to throw him out an tell him to figure it out on his own. We already got to this point on Wednesday when I dropped him off at the train station cause I thought he was lying to me about the gas card. I ended up going back and finding him.

He listens..but its not sinking in and the more time goes by that he doesnt have a job...the more angry I get.
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Old 08-01-2008, 07:11 AM
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(((Alaia)))

When I relapsed, my dad covered several debts that I had run up in a week...on the condition that I get a job QUICK!!! I had lost my job, at a restaurant, but my boss said I could work in another restaurant in our chain.

I worked with my dad for several weeks, found out that merchandising was NOT going to pay my bills and pay him back. I tucked my tail, went to another restaurant in our chain and was hired.

My point is, I wasn't given the "luxury" of being picky about jobs. I had the choice to find something/anything to pay him back AND start back paying my own bills...or find another place to live.

Finding a job isn't easy these days, but fast food and places like that are always hiring. He doesn't have to STAY there...he can keep looking for a better job...just like I'm doing right now.

I think it all goes back to boundaries...what are you willing to put up with? Just because he's clean and doing good, doesn't mean he doesn't have to pay the consequences...that's just a part of life.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 08-01-2008, 07:22 AM
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It is easier to get a job if you already have one, so tell him to work at that fast food place until he finds something else. My daughter is coming home this weekend after rehab and a halfway house for the last 2 months. She is in the same situation, in a small town with practically no jobs. She will work fast food if that is necessary. She has a mountain of debt and we are not paying it. But I also understand how important it is for her to put her recovery first, they stress that at rehab. It is a fine line we walk with our addicts and it was their actions in addiction that taught us to distrust. If he is really working recovery, you will see changes, but they take time. In the meantime take care of yourself. One thing I will try to do is not to overreact until I know all the facts. Tough to do but I will try Hugs, Marle
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Old 08-01-2008, 07:34 AM
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WOW - I'm going through the SAME thing right now! My issue is as if he thinks that he can get the job he wants... Times are tough, I am not working at a job I really worship, but it's a job.... I get angry as if they are so wonderful and all-knowing that they are better then a job at a fast food resturant. But you know something? They have a job, they have resposibilities, and they really deal with a lot of crap... Not everyone gets a job at a fastfood place. You have to work, you have to be in on time just like anyother job... I just hate the way they think they are better at times.
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Old 08-01-2008, 11:27 AM
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Unhappy

Originally Posted by littlebird77 View Post
WOW - I'm going through the SAME thing right now! My issue is as if he thinks that he can get the job he wants... Times are tough, I am not working at a job I really worship, but it's a job.... I get angry as if they are so wonderful and all-knowing that they are better then a job at a fast food resturant. But you know something? They have a job, they have resposibilities, and they really deal with a lot of crap... Not everyone gets a job at a fastfood place. You have to work, you have to be in on time just like anyother job... I just hate the way they think they are better at times.
yeah, my bf keeps saying he doesn't want to work this one or that one cause the pay is too low, or he doesn't want to work at a certain place cause he wants a career. Well he had 2 VERY good jobs and screwed himself on both. The first one was awesome and they sent he to re-hab when he needed help, and he relapsed before he was to go back on the active list and then the last one that he just got fired from he loved, but he was stealing and got caught. Then had the nerve to go back a week later in the early am and they had him on video in the parking lot, so now they are going to press charges because he went back to steal from them again.

I have a lot of anger and rage issues right now. I thought I could handle this, but I think he needs to figure it out on his own. I deserve to have a normal healthy relationship. I want to be taken out, and given flowers once in awhile , or even get back what I give to someone. I hate him so much sometimes for all the things he has done to me and his family and most of all his son. He has not only ruined his own life, but everyone else around him. I thought it would be ok if he stayed at my house while he tries to pick up the pieces, because it really does seem like he wants to this time, but all the horrible things that have happened have taken their toll. He will be homeless, on the street if I tell him to go, because he is putting in a serious effort, I feel like he should have a chance, but what is that going to cost me in the end? It might be time for me to just let it all go. I am sooooo emotional today
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Old 08-01-2008, 12:39 PM
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Oh girl.....I know where you are. My AH checked into detox the first week of December and he lost his job because he was a guess what....substance abuse counselor. He assured me that if money was an issue, that he had never ever been unemployed and he would get another job quick.

Fast forward 8 months....still no job. He's relapsed twice. He doesn't even look for a job really. He sleeps all day and watches TV all night. He doesn't DO anything around the house but fill the sink with dishes and burn holes in our stuff. I have had it too. Why can't he get a job delivering pizzas???

I resent working all day and watching the money I make disappear after I figure out how to borrow from Peter to pay Paul. AH is collecting the unemployment extension but that's for what...13 weeks? He needs a JOB. Time is a dangerous thing in the hands of an addict and I'm afraid all the time.

Every day I loose more and more respect for him. Every day my resentment and bitterness threaten to come roaring out of me. Every day I consider kicking him out and then I feel guilty because he'd have nowhere to go. I'm the only one who has stuck by him through this. He has nothing left to sell or pawn cause when he decided to relapse this last time - he decided he needed to be a crackhead (because he's on methadone now and can't get high off pills or heroin).

Like you, I have just had it. This is not getting any better and I just don't think I'm doing him any favors. He wrecked my car last week so now I don't have a car. He has "his" car (both of our names are on it) but no job. I feel like I'm dragging dead weight and it's exhausting.

I'm not entirely ready to give up on him but I can tell you I'm close. I recommend that you do not let this go on as long as I have. You sound strong and determined and that's good. Run with it!!!


Live you life for you. A addict, when active, is the most selfish individual you will ever meet and your needs won't be met for a very long time until they are secure in a solid recovery program. They focus on the themselves to be high and have to focus on themselves to get better. The family is usually still pushed out either way, for a time.

I'm sorry if this has a lot of negative energy. I try not to respond to things that hit too close to home right away because my perspective is not intact.
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Old 08-01-2008, 05:40 PM
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It sounds like you feel like you are getting sucked down into the vortex of addiction again and with good reason. I think the ultimatem about getting a job is a must. You need to take a step in the right direction to make yourself feel better.
krhea
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Old 08-02-2008, 08:16 AM
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Thanks for the support. Yesterday was just a horrible day. He took a suboxone the other day, tried to lie to me about it, but quickly told me the truth after I asked him the same question a 2nd time. He was told by one of his friends from his meetings that it's not a good idea to take them and that he didn't recommend taking them, but if he felt that he really needed it then to take a 1/2 and not to take anymore. my bf doesn't have a sponsor yet. He wants to ask someone from his group but I guess the guy wasn't at the meeting Monday. He wanted to do it in person, not over the phone. I didn't make a big deal about it cause my bf is a little shy. It really upsets me that he took a sub and even more that he has unlimited access to them because his ex has an rx and so does his brother...plus he knows people who sell them. He said he took it cause it takes the edge off. I am not a fan of him doing this. He needs to learn to cope without taking anything because I feel he is just using it in place of getting high. He has no $ so he can't get high, but the ex can give them to him and so can his brother or he can buy them if he had to. He knows how I feel about this. I know when he takes them...his pupils don't lie.

He promised me he wouldn't take them and also to be honest when I ask him questions (not that I totally believe him) so thats a start, and he did quickly change his mind and tell me the truth the other night. It's gonna be a long bumpy road. He applied for mass health and I hope he gets it so he can get in an intensive outpacient program and go to the doctor and maybe a shrink if they will cover it. Maybe us going to a shrink together might help too. HE is open to all options.
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Old 08-02-2008, 08:56 AM
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You are so right, any job is better than no job until something better comes along. You cannot afford to be picky when you need money.
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