should I prosecute/jail my addicted nephew?
 

My "nephew" - actually a Godson, but I'm very close to him and his family - is an addict. It has included heroin and cocaine with steroid use, and I don't know what else. He's in his early 20s.

We had an intervention six months ago. Under pressure he went into a hospital treatment program. Stayed about 25 days; left and did not do the "three quarter way house" the hospital staff recommended. Returned to his parents. Things went bad. Last Sunday he went back to the hospital (no pressure from us this time) but is leaving today, against advice.

My Godson stole several thousand dollars from me before the first hospitalization (by forging checks from me to him). He stole several thousand more within a few weeks before going back to the hospital this Sunday. I told him on the phone today that, unless his counselor told me it was best for him to leave the hospital and come back to the area - and resume living with his addict girlfriend - that I would press charges.

I've been told by the person who lead the first intervention that that is the best option now. I'm fearful of doing nothing - his parents and I think he's had several overdoses. His parents tend to think jail is better at this point but, like me, are fearful.

I'm trying to figure out how to search the forums, but wanted to ask for any advice or information anyone had.

My stepson stole and wrote several checks of ours. Hubs didn't tell me until later and until he had covered them and covered it up. I threw the fit of the decade. Dad was, and rightly concerned about the felonies he already had and that he was on probation.

I had told the son that however he lives his life is none of my business but if he stole the slightest thing from me or my home I would press charges. Meant it and he knew it.

He stole the checks while hubs and I were separated.

We are on a fixed income and barely squeak by.

Stepson heard me going ballistic on the phone and knew I wanted to press charges right now!
But he also knew Dad had covered for him for years.

I did not out of consideration for Dad. Stepson turned up with a dirty UA twice in a row and is back in prison. I breathe a sigh of relief. As they say...he has three hots and a cot....on the outside, I don't know if he would have lived. And I am glad to have this mess out of my life and marriage.

So, now, you are in his mind someone he can steal from as you let it go the first time.
So, and this is just my opinion......yes, I would turn him in, sooner the better. And don't put up bail for him!

:)
Live

tough choice. only you can decide. Of course you risk his anger...

but...

you did set a boundary and he crossed it.

he did break the law and now sees you as an easy mark (if you don't press charges.)

jail is safer than the streets and gives addicts a harsh dose of reality.

addicts must feel the consequences of their use before they ever stop.

This is just my personal experience.
When I did finally press charges for forging my name on checks.
All that happened was the money was returned to my bank account. It's funny, I thought he would be arrested, immediately!! Go to jail.. and yes, it would be all my "fault" that he was there.. (more importantly my son's father was there.)

Well.... he was not arrested, in fact the police didn't even try to.
The bank??? Well the investigator called numerous times for information, a lot of time.. talking to them.
They never pressed charges-
Now mind you- this was not a "tough" case.. he wrote the checks out to himself and didn't even attempt to mimic my signiture.. he cashed them at the bank- was photographed doing so..
I still laugh when I recall what the bank investigator told me- my shock!!
No, they were not going to press charges against him.. it cost them to much time and money to do so. He just wanted to talk to him, to try to cut a deal...
:c029:

Heck- the addicts don't surprise me anymore.. now the normies do!!
That was a learning lesson to me.. I'm really not that powerful or in control or responsible for things!! Obviously!!
As I say this- I know how difficult it is to make that decision..
At the same time- I would not expect him to change, to not repeat the same thing and forge checks from you in the future.
If it helps at all.. I believe that the bank will have to return the funds to your account. Donate them to some organization that you believe is offering the help your god son needs.. will/may need in the future. Being a selfish person- I vote for one that helps the children of alcoholics/addicts.. the real victims of this disease. The truly powerless one's.. ah- it will give them hope!! Maybe not in their parent- who is sick.. they may not feel loved by them personally that day.. (darn it is hard to feel loved, cared for and about by addicts who are parents) But my guess- they will believe someone really does care about them!! Hmm.. maybe- that guy upstairs!!
Just a thought!!

WOW, I never would have thought, Still Learning. But thanks so much for sharing. And can't wait to show your post to hubs!

I mean, yeah, our concern was serious felony charges!

Live,
Just to clarify- this was my personal experience.
I understand there are other states that appear to be far more strict, have far less tolerance. A good way to see how your area works- go to the court house and listen to what happens.. It is an eye openner!
Now- there is a thread here- for those with loved one's in prison.. so I know my experience is different than theirs.

I just never in a million years- thought.. That was/is my intent, for sharing our experience. I assumed a lot in the past- big mistake!! Please anyone reading- don't assume.. just information of what can happen and is possible!

I usually just look up the statutes but that is an excellent idea to sit in at the courthouse. Also my daughter is the Judge's right hand gal in IN and I usually just ask her.

Thanks for the input and support. I'm shocked that a jurisdiction would just ignore blatant forgery. I am a lawyer (civil law, though - not criminal) and will contact the prosecutor before deciding. I would not want to do something perceived as so hostile if it was going to be ignored.

I told him on the phone today that, unless his counselor told me it was best for him to leave the hospital and come back to the area - and resume living with his addict girlfriend - that I would press charges.


You said you would! I did w/ my AD, twice.

Prayers for you and yours,
susan

In my HO your decision needs to be based on what YOU do, not what the consequences are. If you told him you would turn it in...then you need to turn it in. If he gets a big consequence or a little consequence that has nothing to do with you...it is between him and the consequences he was chancing when he made the decision to forge checks in the first place. We have to remember, we are only in control of ourselves, not others, not our addicts, not the legal system, not anything but the choices WE make. Turn it in, then unattatch yourself from the consequences HE will face for HIS choices! That is my opinion anyway.

Indeed, my boundaries are for me and if I do not respect my boundaries, I shouldn't expect any one else to.
This came up recently for me in a whole nother scenario.

As a recovering addict, I strongly suggest you do what you said you would. I didn't even entertain the THOUGHT of getting clean, until my consequences caught up with me. If someone had made things easier for me, I would probably still be using.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

My experience with my addict, as many others here will say, is that nothing changes if nothing changes. Right now, he has no reason to not steal again, since up until now he has gotten away with it. If it's to the point where even his parents are convinced he would be better in jail, they are probably right. Just remember that the best way to help an addict is to do the opposite of what would help others; put yourself first, allow yourself to heal, and do not give in to anything that supports the addict's destructuve behavior. He'll have no reason to want to change otherwise.

Of course, only you can make the decision. But if it was me, I would press charges.

I had a similar experience. Blew me away, at the time.

Back when, I used to follow my daughter and knew the places she was sleeping and what was going on. I recorded dates/times/license plat #. I researched who owned and rented space to addicts. I was a regular little Nancy Drew.

In the end, it is not worth the bank's while to go after most of this stuff. Heck right now, in the U.S., they have bigger problems with people walking away from mortgages. The Police do not have the resources to go out of their way to pursue all the addicts, especially the end users.

I have since given up my career as a private detective and have taken the necessary measures to protects my assets.

Don't in any way cushion his fall.

Follow up with any boundaries that you've set. Remind him that you will support him in recovery/treatment but other wise you will no longer be a victim.

Don't put yourself in a position to get robbed again.
Addicts lie and they steal.

Big ol' hugs to you as you suffer through loving an addict.

I pressed charges against my RAS and his EXAGF, it was the hardest thing I did, but I feel I did the right thing. They both have to pay for their mistakes and why should I be the one paying and everyone else live a good life.
Please do what you feel is best for you, will it be hard YES, will you live with pressing charges if you do YES.
They have to learn that we will not roll over and let them do whatever they want without them having to pay for it.
Good luck,
Sending prayers for all of you

I am saddened to hear that I may go through the pain of pressing charges, and nothing happen. That is, if I do this, I'd want it to be at least meaningful (whether it will help us up to him, I know). But I appreciate the warnings. I a greatly appreciate being advised by those who've been through it as an addict (Ladyalmathea, Impurrfect), or in the family/friend role (the rest of you, I think).

Slight change in question.
He's here now. He is afraid I'll do something so he came to see me (but refused to see his parents). I extracted a medical consent from him and faxed it to the counselor at the treatment center he left. Told him I would decide after I spoke to the counselor.

So, I'm likely to do what the counselor suggests (if she is willing to suggest) BUT what I had been aiming for is his return to the center.

My Godson is violently against that, but might do it ("I want treatment, That's whay I went there, I just need to do it on an outpatient basis and I need a job, I've come back because I want to fix my life but help me to do it in the way that will work for me - outpatient" - ending with "what do I have to do to stay out of trouble").

SO if you patient people with experience will chime in: is it a good idea to force him back to the treatment center under the threat of prosecution? I'm inclined to give him the choice of return or facing the consequences legally, and let the chips fall.

But maybe some of you know that forced treatment doesn't work. But that is often done with those in trouble with the law, I gather (they get the option of jail or treatment)?

Thoughs appreciated. And your support is very much appreciate.

I never went to treatment, so I don't know. I did go to jail...spent a month there and 4-1/2 months in a diversion center. This SHOULD have been enough to make me quit. And I did, for a while. Unfortunately, it took another relapse before I finally realized that it wasn't just worth it anymore.

I've always sworn that an addict will not seek recovery until they're ready. HOWEVER, I also think that any time spent in treatment or jail gives them a foundation to build on...whether they do it then or not, is up to them.

It sounds like he's scared...and for us addict's that's a good thing. But if he goes into treatment and doesn't WORK at recovery it will be a big waste of time and money.

I know that doesn't really answer your question...just my 2 cents.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

He’s manipulating you and this entire situation. Sorry to sound so gruff but often the truth is gruff and something we rarely want to accept.

He’s doing what addicts do, manipulating and selfish behavior so things will work out how he wants them by directing everyone around him holding them emotionally hostage.

Believe his ending, “what do I have to do to stay out of trouble?”

He’ll do what he has too in order to appease you and keep himself out of immediate trouble as long as he’s also getting his way and directing how and where and when he’ll do what he wants.

The counselor should recommend going back into treatment followed up with a sober living physicality for several months along with attending meetings regularly. All the things your godson doesn’t sound ready to accept.

I personally have never seen forced treatment work as a long term solution, short term of course. It keeps many out of jail by accepting a 28 or 30 day stay at a rehab instead of jail.

A person whose mind is saturated with alcohol or drugs certainly is not going to make good decision for them. His best decision, his best idea thus far has been to take drugs, get more drugs and do drugs. So even though he may not have put drugs into his system today his mind is still very much affected by them so allowing him to dictate his own treatment will be filled with what’s going to be the easiest way for him to do the least.

You can't help someone who really doesn't want the help. He sounds like he's making all the usualy excuses for not doing the hard work towards a real chance at recovery.

I don't want to be glim and I do hope he makes the right choices for himself and seeks the kind of treatment that will work in his best interest for the long run and not the quick short term solution just to get out of trouble.

I haven't heard back from the counselor (think it's some detail on the consent form) but I do feel better hearing that there is some chance either jail or a "forced" return might help. I do realize now that my Godson will have to make the choice on whether the forced treatment or "time out" (jail) helps.

I would like to believe that my Godson will do the outpatient treatment on his own. But my mind tells me that won't work and your comments make that clear. So that helps me do the hard thing. Many thanks.