Clearing My Mind
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Clearing My Mind
I bought myself some time by telling my ex I would have an answer for him about giving my address to my son by Wed. So tomorrow he is going to call me & then tomorrow nite my son is calling him for my answer. This is a very hard NO for me to say. I know I must but it doesn't make saying it any easier.
My AS is so jealous of his younger brother, the one I babyit for. My As thinks I am harder on him than on anyone else.
There is so much family dynamics going on here. Things that have gone on for 20-30yrs.
Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed.
My AS is so jealous of his younger brother, the one I babyit for. My As thinks I am harder on him than on anyone else.
There is so much family dynamics going on here. Things that have gone on for 20-30yrs.
Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Rozie, what helps me at times like this is to say a prayer and led God lead the way.
What he "thinks" is coming from the mind of an active addict who cannot think clearly. He will push whatever button will get him what HE wants, regardless of how it hurts others.
Sending hugs your way, I know this is hard and whatever you decide, please know we are walking beside you.
:ghug3
What he "thinks" is coming from the mind of an active addict who cannot think clearly. He will push whatever button will get him what HE wants, regardless of how it hurts others.
Sending hugs your way, I know this is hard and whatever you decide, please know we are walking beside you.
:ghug3
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
There is NO WAY I could give it even if I wanted to & I don't. Jim is 100% dead set against it cuz 2 yrs ago we did it & the PO came to the house 3 or 4 times plus called & I know he knew we were lying. It made me feel like s__t, and Jim felt the same way. It would be bad enough if I did it & lied but I can't ask Jim to do lie again, its not fair & he has put up with enough bs from the kids.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
rozied,
Sometimes the sooner I can get the answer out there that I am fighting against giving (NO) the easier it makes it. I can say it and forget it, walk away, turn my back, am done, etc.
I sympathize with you, I know how hard it is to say "no" to our children and I can hear your AS saying "It's no big deal, I just need an address." But rozied, you gotta do what you gotta do. It is more than "just an address" and you know it.
We are behind you 100% percent.
Sometimes the sooner I can get the answer out there that I am fighting against giving (NO) the easier it makes it. I can say it and forget it, walk away, turn my back, am done, etc.
I sympathize with you, I know how hard it is to say "no" to our children and I can hear your AS saying "It's no big deal, I just need an address." But rozied, you gotta do what you gotta do. It is more than "just an address" and you know it.
We are behind you 100% percent.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Rather than spending an extra day worrying about your answer, why not call the ex today and tell him NO,NADA, NOWAY Jose. Then be done with it. I know it is not that easy so I am sending big hugs of strength your way too. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I agree with Marle...why wait until tomorrow? I also know how hard it is to do. I've been through a similar situation and would agonize and be all stressed out, when it would have been easier to get it over with.
I'm sorry you're having a rough time with this, but once again, I will remind you....he really, really needs to deal with his consequences. He doesn't have an appropriate place to parole to because of HIS actions. He's still acting like an addict...wanting you to lie, so he can do what he wants.
He will never get the incentive to change his ways until he gets damned sick and tired of dealing with the consequences....just like I did.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm sorry you're having a rough time with this, but once again, I will remind you....he really, really needs to deal with his consequences. He doesn't have an appropriate place to parole to because of HIS actions. He's still acting like an addict...wanting you to lie, so he can do what he wants.
He will never get the incentive to change his ways until he gets damned sick and tired of dealing with the consequences....just like I did.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 325
Rozied,
Oh I feel for you!! I'm also standing and applauding!! No doubt in my mind, it hurts when we have to say "no"- it's what I hate about this disease/sickness. No doubt you wish you could take care of your son, tuck him in bed with a hug, care for him. I believe that one of the most difficult stages I went through was when I knew it in my head- but it was not in my heart yet.
Canuhear me- wrote a great post about this recently. I did feel like an addict in many ways- Just as my ex. could not say no- to the people who used drugs and alcohol, were not in a program of recovery- I was very much like him I realized!! The things I could not understand about him- why HE couldn't just say,"no." Couldn't just listen to those who had gotten sober and into recovery- healthy.. Follow those steps, do what they did.
I have to laugh at myself. I recall thinking for goodness sakes- it isn't going to feel good immediately- no one expects it to silly!! Just think that slogan, "act as if...." and eventually this too will pass!!
Hmm- I expected him to.. do that. I didn't expect myself to do that!!
Even my prayers changed.. I realized that all those prayers (I can't tell you the hours I spent praying). Asking God to remove crack from his life, remove the people who used it, the people who sold it. Remove the longing for it. All the prayers for him that he would be safe, that my HP would protect him..
Have to laugh- at myself, it had become that even all my prayers were for him!!!
That changed!! I started praying that my hp- would remove crack- the people who choose to use it from my life!! My kids!! That He would protect us, give us the strength. That was a humbling experience for me!!
I did what I thought he should do, expected it of myself!!
When it came to making decisions where I *had to* say no.. and I felt like I was being mean to him, unloving, all that stuff.. I would think to myself.. Now, if this was him and someone else was asking him to do this for them... what would I want/expect him to do?
That made it simpler for me, less confusing.
Just a thought- It did help me. Try asking yourself.. If your son was sober and in recovery, healthy.... what would you think of him, want him to do, expect of him if someone asked him to use their address? Would you think that was good or bad for him to do? That helped remove a ton of guilt for me!!! No doubt in my mind- I would *judge* him- if he did the same thing I was doing.
Just my experience, this seems to help me.
Oh I feel for you!! I'm also standing and applauding!! No doubt in my mind, it hurts when we have to say "no"- it's what I hate about this disease/sickness. No doubt you wish you could take care of your son, tuck him in bed with a hug, care for him. I believe that one of the most difficult stages I went through was when I knew it in my head- but it was not in my heart yet.
Canuhear me- wrote a great post about this recently. I did feel like an addict in many ways- Just as my ex. could not say no- to the people who used drugs and alcohol, were not in a program of recovery- I was very much like him I realized!! The things I could not understand about him- why HE couldn't just say,"no." Couldn't just listen to those who had gotten sober and into recovery- healthy.. Follow those steps, do what they did.
I have to laugh at myself. I recall thinking for goodness sakes- it isn't going to feel good immediately- no one expects it to silly!! Just think that slogan, "act as if...." and eventually this too will pass!!
Hmm- I expected him to.. do that. I didn't expect myself to do that!!
Even my prayers changed.. I realized that all those prayers (I can't tell you the hours I spent praying). Asking God to remove crack from his life, remove the people who used it, the people who sold it. Remove the longing for it. All the prayers for him that he would be safe, that my HP would protect him..
Have to laugh- at myself, it had become that even all my prayers were for him!!!
That changed!! I started praying that my hp- would remove crack- the people who choose to use it from my life!! My kids!! That He would protect us, give us the strength. That was a humbling experience for me!!
I did what I thought he should do, expected it of myself!!
When it came to making decisions where I *had to* say no.. and I felt like I was being mean to him, unloving, all that stuff.. I would think to myself.. Now, if this was him and someone else was asking him to do this for them... what would I want/expect him to do?
That made it simpler for me, less confusing.
Just a thought- It did help me. Try asking yourself.. If your son was sober and in recovery, healthy.... what would you think of him, want him to do, expect of him if someone asked him to use their address? Would you think that was good or bad for him to do? That helped remove a ton of guilt for me!!! No doubt in my mind- I would *judge* him- if he did the same thing I was doing.
Just my experience, this seems to help me.
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Thanx still learning. I like your log in name. I am still leaning too after dealing with addiction in one form or another for more yrs than I care to count......... I am still learning.
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