BBD

I, at least, know Chris is alive. He called his x-wife last night and said he has met new friends (that know nothing about him)) and is working hard. Even though she could tell he had been drinking he did sound well. She and Chris have been friends ever since their divorce which just blows me away. Every time he has a rough spot he calls her. I'm sure this time its the fact that he hasn't called us and I know he suspects I'm worrying. Why in the heck won't he call me. I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm a factor in his drug abuse. We have stood by him through so much .....just makes me so sad. At least he's walking and breathing ~so today~~~I am OK!!!! And if you read this Maggie~~Keep the faith!! Hugs, Bonnie

greeteachday

Hi Bonnie - I am glad Chris is okay...Please remember the 3 C's - You really did not cause nor are you the reason for continuing his addictions....Promise!!!

It's difficult not to take it personal, but truly this isn't about you. I found that I had less contact with my kids when they were using because they did not want to concern me. They knew I'd be upset and worried....In the strange way their minds were working during active use, ignoring, not facing reality would somehow make it better. Like a little child who thinks if she covers her eyes and can't see you, she too is hidden from you. My kids also knew that contact would mean in some way relinquishing some denial. They would not be able to hide the truth, even if they said little. So it was only when they wanted to be clean that they comminicated more since they were moving back towards honesty.

I think Chris knows that through his ex you will know that he is safe. I'm grateful that you know this.

Sending lots of hugs

marle

It could also be his guilt. My daughter felt a huge amount of guilt anytime that she was around me. She had a really hard time looking me in the eye. She knew that she had hurt me horribly and SHE was not ready to face that. So it would sometimes be months between seeing her and quite a bit of time between any contact. I was part of her life before addiction and anyone that was was not part of her life during addiction. It is hard not knowing how they are doing but I think it is even harder to watch addiction on a daily basis. I am grateful that my daughter did not live with me nor try to use me to further her drug use. Sounds like what Greet said is right, he is trying to protect you from more pain. It really is a blessing not to have a front row seat. Hugs, Marle

BBD

Thanks Merle and Greet~~~~My Xdaughter-in-law told me that Chris does feel so guilty for what he has done.....and she told him "he should"~~~~~~I'm not sure if that was the correct answer to his statement but she's not in Alanon..Thanks ladies. I'm doing OK tonight but sometimes I just get caught up in the "Chris situation" instead of the "Bonnie situation" I'm learning and it feels good.

Omm anomanom

Hi BBD,

I'd like to think that it is, as it's written above, that when they are moving closer toward honesty and recovery (properly), is when they feel comfortable enough to talk with us. As you're chris is now talking with the ex, he may be moving closer to being able to be honest with you also.

Here's hoping. I know when I was using, I avoided all the people, that I felt awkward lying to. Especially people that respected and loved me. The dissappointment and sadness in their eyes, just crushed me and made me feel so much worse - not like soberring up at all.

Take care

krhea75

Glad you heard from Chris. Prayers and thanks for just today.
krhea

Impurrfect

(((BBD)))

I'm glad you heard that he's okay.

I promise you, him not calling you has NOTHING to do with you. It's all about his feelings. My dad begged me to "just call and let me know you're alive" but I didn't. To call him, when I was using, was to face reality and I was doing crack to AVOID reality.

It's entirely selfish of us addicts to do that, but it really, really is not a personal attack.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Jody Hepler

My using son would rarely call me - because "he knew" that "I knew" - and the guilt was killing him.

When he would call, he would tell me some story about how well he was doing - and all I would say was "Gee, that's great. Your Mom just wants you to be happy."

And "he knew" that "I knew". But I had long stopped crying on the phone, begging, trying to make him see the light - I was just able to love him and be grateful he called.

His drugs just had that kind of hold on him. And I didn't take it personally (most of the time!.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

BBD

Thanks Jodi. I usually just ask Chris if he's OK when he does call. I don't mention drugs at all anymore. I just don't ant to be in the middle of drama anymore and in the past we woud get stuck in the middle after it was way to late. I will keep my serenity the best way I can....and try not to force info out of him when he does call. I wait everyday but I'm beginning to see he doesn't want to talk to us right now...thanks agin, Bonnie

Jody Hepler

Be gentle with yourself - this is really tough stuff! We know what to do - we know that us staying out of the way is ultimately best for them - but it always felt like this mother's heart was getting ripped out.
I cried a lot - but somehow with Alanon support was able to most of the time "do the right thing". But not always!
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

Spiritual Seeker

Now matter how well we can detach we want to know certain things...are they safe, alive, how bad is their addiction, are they homeless, etc.
So glad you got some information, even if it was second-hand.

sleepygoat

Not sure how long its been since your son called you, but I just went thru a similar period with my AD. It was a little over 2 months without a call. when she finally did call, her explanation was something like, "I felt so bad about not calling you... that I continued to not call you". Yup.

:wtf2

beegee

BBD,
I am happy your son got in touch with his ex. Because don't you think he knows you will find out through her he is alive. I know it isn't the way you wanted but this is better then the way it was two weeks ago when you knew nothing. A little at a time, day by day and like everyone is saying he has his reasons. ((((HUGS))))) ((((BBD))))