Expectations... We should be able to have some
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Expectations... We should be able to have some
Hey guys!
I thought I'd check in, and share a little of where and what work I'm doing at the moment (it never stops!).
Intimacy and Expectations (and Trust).
My friends and family know and I'm testing the waters, trying to make sure when I start keeping things in that I find someone to "let it out" with. It's working. I continue to see great strides in my work in how I deal with friends and family and feel really good about that! But, long way to go still.
So, here's a little example of just how low my expectations are and how little trust I have in anyone... A friend (male friend) came with me to my Aunt's to pick up the furniture she gave me. We drove back up the coast and stopped at a cute seaside town for the night. As we were unloading my friend asked if we could take a walk on the beach after we unloaded and got something to eat (we were right across the street from the beach). I said of course, I would like to do that too. So, chores all done, my friend asks- Do you still want to go for that walk? I was surprised and actually shocked! Yes, I'd love to go. So, off we went, across the street. We walked down to the waters edge, it was pretty, saw some dolphins, and then he asked if I wanted to go left or right. Left I said. I again was surprised, we weren't turning around and heading back to the hotel. AND, he didn't make me feel like going for a walk on the beach was going out of his way or a great burden to do with me! The whole episode surprised me! How pathetic is that? My therapist thought this was a good example of my low expecatations of anyone in my life. If I continue to keep my expectations so low, what and who I will choose to be with will more than likely only be those who meet those very low expectations. I don't want to go there again! Time to up the ante! Expecting someone to want to take a walk on the beach is not unreasonable, what do you know? My AH would probably have found an excuse not to go, or gotten over there for 5 minutes and then wanted to get back to the TV. Always the TV!
Wow.
After I realized just how I felt about the whole episode, I felt a bit out of sorts with myself (I won't say guilt, because it wasn't that, but maybe more like disappointment... not quite that either...) because this friend that came with me to do the furniture run I have known for 15+ years and he has never done anything to make me doubt anything he says, no matter how insignificant. He hasn't lied to me or earned my distrust. He didn't know at the time just how surprised I was by the whole thing, but I did talk to him about it later.
As has been pointed out many many times, our AH works in mysterious ways. What a seemingly little thing, but for me - such a huge "ALERT"!
Here's to more "walks on the beach" for all of us! We are worth it!
:ghug2
I thought I'd check in, and share a little of where and what work I'm doing at the moment (it never stops!).
Intimacy and Expectations (and Trust).
My friends and family know and I'm testing the waters, trying to make sure when I start keeping things in that I find someone to "let it out" with. It's working. I continue to see great strides in my work in how I deal with friends and family and feel really good about that! But, long way to go still.
So, here's a little example of just how low my expectations are and how little trust I have in anyone... A friend (male friend) came with me to my Aunt's to pick up the furniture she gave me. We drove back up the coast and stopped at a cute seaside town for the night. As we were unloading my friend asked if we could take a walk on the beach after we unloaded and got something to eat (we were right across the street from the beach). I said of course, I would like to do that too. So, chores all done, my friend asks- Do you still want to go for that walk? I was surprised and actually shocked! Yes, I'd love to go. So, off we went, across the street. We walked down to the waters edge, it was pretty, saw some dolphins, and then he asked if I wanted to go left or right. Left I said. I again was surprised, we weren't turning around and heading back to the hotel. AND, he didn't make me feel like going for a walk on the beach was going out of his way or a great burden to do with me! The whole episode surprised me! How pathetic is that? My therapist thought this was a good example of my low expecatations of anyone in my life. If I continue to keep my expectations so low, what and who I will choose to be with will more than likely only be those who meet those very low expectations. I don't want to go there again! Time to up the ante! Expecting someone to want to take a walk on the beach is not unreasonable, what do you know? My AH would probably have found an excuse not to go, or gotten over there for 5 minutes and then wanted to get back to the TV. Always the TV!
Wow.
After I realized just how I felt about the whole episode, I felt a bit out of sorts with myself (I won't say guilt, because it wasn't that, but maybe more like disappointment... not quite that either...) because this friend that came with me to do the furniture run I have known for 15+ years and he has never done anything to make me doubt anything he says, no matter how insignificant. He hasn't lied to me or earned my distrust. He didn't know at the time just how surprised I was by the whole thing, but I did talk to him about it later. As has been pointed out many many times, our AH works in mysterious ways. What a seemingly little thing, but for me - such a huge "ALERT"!
Here's to more "walks on the beach" for all of us! We are worth it!
:ghug2
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((CW)))
I feel a lot like you. I've had 3 relationships in my life, and all 3 were with A's. I think my expectations of MYSELF are pretty low. I'm sure that's thanks to being the very good codie I was....my self-worth totally depended on someone else.
It's not even just relationships...I can be that way at work, too.
I think it's something we really have to work on. I started with baby steps..when someone gives me a compliment, I just say "thank you". Before, if someone said "you're hair looks nice", I would have said "oh, but I need to color/cut it". I'm getting better, but have a long, long way to go.
Progress, not perfection
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I feel a lot like you. I've had 3 relationships in my life, and all 3 were with A's. I think my expectations of MYSELF are pretty low. I'm sure that's thanks to being the very good codie I was....my self-worth totally depended on someone else.
It's not even just relationships...I can be that way at work, too.
I think it's something we really have to work on. I started with baby steps..when someone gives me a compliment, I just say "thank you". Before, if someone said "you're hair looks nice", I would have said "oh, but I need to color/cut it". I'm getting better, but have a long, long way to go.
Progress, not perfection
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Good for you. It must feel wonderful when you realize that someone is doing something with you because they want to and that are not just "being nice to you because of what they want or because they feel bad for you." That darn old TV. I swear my TV has been on about 2x since my AH moved out. All he did was sit in front of it.... I can't stand to even be in that room!!!
Glad things are looking up for you.
Glad things are looking up for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Keep those expectations high CW - you deserve it! Someday soon, this will be the norm rather than the exception, and you will have lots of opportunities to expect the best for yourself without any thought to how it once was.
It seems like it was a moment of realization of how, in the past, you weren't true to yourself. I'm so happy for you that you are continuing on with your recovery and counseling.
:ghug3
It seems like it was a moment of realization of how, in the past, you weren't true to yourself. I'm so happy for you that you are continuing on with your recovery and counseling.
:ghug3
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I think Amy said it well..The more progress I make in feeling worthy of love and of loving myself, the more love I have to give and the more I expect to be treated with respect and consideration.
Sounds like you have a really nice friend too...Helping you move furniture and still with energy to enjoy some quiet refective time
Sounds like you have a really nice friend too...Helping you move furniture and still with energy to enjoy some quiet refective time
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