Ann

I wanted to share with you something I have only shared with a small handful of people here, because I think it may help the newcomer see that we can and do arrive at a better place with all this, and how grateful I am to be where I am today.

Last week, taking a course in Toronto, was an epiphany for me, in a way that I don't think I could have experienced any other way. It was a good week, the course was terrific as were the people instructing and sharing the course with me...each of them working with the Ministry of Health in different areas that help people who need help...Alzheimers workers, senior workers and those who help autistic children and others, like me who work in the field of addiction or social services that help those who have been touched by addiction.

But I think God took me there for another reason too, and that's what I need to share here.

I stayed on the 16th floor of a lovely hotel, with a balcony where I could stand and look down on an area of Yonge Street where addicts travel by night. Far enough that I could not see faces or zoom in on who the people were but close enough to catch the action. A few street people, panhandling for their next fix, small groups of young people out looking for action that their families might not approve of, and a hooker or two who were somebody's daughter, somebody's sister, somebody's wife...doing what they needed to do to survive in the city.

It wasn't pretty but something made me look, and I think I needed to do that to feel true gratitude that I was no longer of that world. I could look down and see where I had come from, I could look up and see God who sees all and loves all, including His lost sheep on that street, and I could step back to the safety and luxury of my room blocking out what I no longer wanted to watch. The 16th floor was the perfect distance to see what I needed to see without making it personal. I don't think this was any coincidence, I think it is where God placed me to see clearly where I stand today...with compassion and faith above His world and below His world..with a "knowing" that He could see more than I.

I know for certain now that I do not want to find my son on that street, or any street where addiction lives. I know that God is taking care of him, just as my prayers ask, and that God takes care of me too, and that my son can come into my world but I cannot venture into his. If ever there was a doubt of where my place is in all this, it no longer exists....I KNOW something that I didn't know a week or more ago and that epiphany makes me stronger in my recovery and in my faith that life unfolds as it should...even the ugly side.

I don't know if this makes a whit of sense, but even if it does not, I know that my family here "gets it" and knows the "me" that stood on that balcony between the worlds of where I came from and where I place my future...in God's hands.

I'm a better person today because of all this, and I understand myself in a way that I didn't before. And that is good.

Hugs

rozied

I think as long as we live we move from insight to insight...............and grow in our understanding.
Thank you for sharing.

peaceteach

God bless, Ann. Thanks for sharing

patchoulli

Thank you for sharing that ANN...I always look forward to your posts, this one makes me cry...I feel your hope , your faith , and your LOVE...thank you...Marian

BBD

Thank you for sharing that Ann. I am at such a bad place right now. I understand what I have to do to detach but my heart is so hurting.....thanks again, Bonnie

CatsPajamas

Thanks for sharing this Ann. I remember a while back when you were posting about your son, and you said "If he's in hell, and I go to hell too to find him, who will be left to hold the light?"

Your light is shining brightly, my friend.

ladyamalthea

Thank you for that, Ann. You are always putting such meaningful things in your post, and this was deifinitely not an exception.

frankly

That feeling you had as you stood there, I know that feeling. It's almost as if a loving hand of comfort is placed on your shoulder, and you know, you are not alone. Bless you Ann, for sharing that, for sharing your pain, your hope, your personal life with all of us. Through your light, others see hope. You are an angel on earth, a messanger who shares herself so that others may "see" what you saw and feel what you felt. Through your words, it was almost like standing there myself. Thank You.

B

maggie6

That was so beautiful and so true. I wish I could be at that point in my life right now. I cant help but wish for my son to be found, especially alive. I do think God is watching over him otherwise he would be dead.

Ann

That's exactly how it was, Frankly, a surreal moment in time when the past (below) and the present (the balcony) and the future (above) all blended as one.

I knew where I was and that I was safe, and yet could safely feel compassion for those on the street below.

Recovery gives us so many gifts, and I am grateful to have had this moment of clarity.

Hugs

greeteachday

Thanks, Ann. I believe that when we can find our inner peace, we reach acceptance which breeds compassion.

Your light shines here and we are so blessed that you share it with us. I know I am not the only one who is grateful for the times you have shone your light and helped me get out of the darkness.

outtolunch

So many of us seem to have been on that balcony at onetime or another , then reached for binocculars and when that did not work, we took the elevator down just to have a closer look.

Thank you Ann, for reminding us that it's our choice to dive in or remain detached and order in Room Service.

Kimm992

Thank you so much for sharing that.

rahsue

My mother used to say," that which does not kill us, makes us stronger". It has new meaning for me ever since this addiction stuff came into our lives. I do believe that if addiction was not in my life, I would not be the more compassionate, non-judgemental,optomistic (ect ect) person I am today. I can remember worrying about things that are so trivial now and getting into a bad mood for the whole day of something so stupid. Geez I really missed out on some nice feelings and times doing all that worrying. Now, ha, don't sweat the small stuff, life is too short.

your post reminds us of what we should be thinking about or doing with ourselves.


THANK YOU FOR THE "SHARED" EPIPHANY.


GOD BLESS

Jody Hepler

Thank you so much Ann - I know exactly what you are saying. What a beautiful moment.

During the 20 years my son was using - and often among the missing - I took comfort in the fact that I didn't know the specifics of his life. It would have just been too painful for me. I think our God is a loving Father and protects us Mothers. He never gives us more than we can handle.

Son is back in AA - and will have a year this week. I don't know most of what and where, and I don't want to know. But he is the loving son that I always yearned for - and hadn't seen since he started using in 4th grade. And I treasure the time we have together - because I know only too well that nothing is forever - it is a day at a time.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

MsPINKAcres

((Ann))

I could feel the "God Bumps" all thru my body as I read your description of that street - what a beautiful heart and compassionate eyes you have - that you for sharing that special time with you & your God with us.

May your son be able to look up one day and feel that love and compassion from his HP.

HUGS,
Rita

Lobo

Ann, I can only pray that one day your son will join you on the balcony and you both can look down together.

I could feel myself in your shoes, Ann. I almost felt like I was being lifted up.

Love and thank you.............Lo

Spiritual Seeker

Ann I get it.

I also get your positive outlook.
We can choose to focus upon what seem to be limits or we can let go of our resistance, and let the magnificence of being flow through us.
This is what you do and you do it well.

HoopNinja

Thank you for sharing that. It almost slapped me in the face with reality and made me think about what is important--who is important. My husband gets high with my nephew. To me that is crossing the line into very dangerous territory. My nephew is 25 and a big boy--and makes his own choices but it completely whipped my brain when I found this out. To me he is still the little boy I bought Transformers for when he was our oldest son's age. I think--what happens to our son when he is 25 (or younger)--will Daddy be sharing his addiction with him too and have the same life that sucks the life out of everyone around him. Also, our older son is adopted and statistically at risk. I am busting my butt with him, working on his attachment disorder and PTSD--trying to get him whole again. He was left because his birth mother wanted to keep using and being a mother was not part of the equation--which I thank her for realizing she could not take care of him or I thank God for having her decide she just did not want him--either way it is painful for our son. I always thought that alone would make my husband wake up--your son is suffering because his birth mother chose drugs, not him. He did not even connect the dots.
Your description made me think-stay and that might be our older son down there...or our younger son or both. My husband does not have the ability to even see why I am so upset that he is getting high with my nephew.
I think one of the biggest problems I have had is the first person my husband went to for his addiction told him he was not an addict--he had impulse control problems. HUH? I don't care what you call it--it is still addiction.
Sorry, I went off track--but thank you again for this great post.